Breathing Slowly : Starless

by Shinsun1

A cross-songfic with Goku and Vegeta for two Crossfade songs. Vegeta is suffering and just wants to find peace, but Goku won't let him give up, stopping him from taking his own life more than once and attempting to give him reason to keep on living somehow. Serious angst warning, I'm just gonna say that right now.

Breathing Slowly/Starless

((A cross-songfic with two songs by Crossfade. The verses alternate, and with each one, the story will alternate perspective between Goku and Vegeta.))

I was numb now. Mercifully numb, but also frustratingly so. Every nerve ending seemed as though fitted with a plastic cap, I could feel nothing. I couldn't take it anymore... Kakarot...

...Why did the idiot have to care so fucking much?

A growl built in my throat as I thought of the other Saiyan. Damn, innocent Kakarot. He always tried to see the best in everyone, but there was nothing worth seeing in me. So why did he care? Why did he always catch me when I fell, did it not occur to him that I might want to fall? That I didn't care about my own safety or anyone else's one iota? No of course not. The imbecile assumed every measly organism on this mudball of a planet was helpless and needed to be catered to and protected... and humiliated.

Why did you stop me, Kakarot? I thought angrily. I had been on the edge of relief, able to taste the end of this grey nightmare that was my life, and he had to step in and rescue me as if I'd begged for his aid! It was an outrage. And of course now the idiot excuse for a Saiyan thought I hated him and was hiding. I couldn't sense his energy, but I knew he was watching me, carefully monitoring my ki to be sure I didn't try anything "drastic" again.

I just wanted to find peace, but in his attempt to keep me from harm, Kakarot had unknowingly turned my existence into a hell I didn't want to be part of.

~If only you could watch me fall
I cannot feel it anymore
The soul you cut the soul you adore
Cannot feel you anymore
Cause you've run through me with destructive force
I think somehow I gotta get it straight
I gotta get you out of me
But I cannot get through to you.~

Vegeta was avoiding me. I was careful to watch him, wishing I could help him, ease some of the pain I could feel radiating from him. Where exactly his new, darker moods had come from, I didn't know, but I could tell they were eating the prince alive, driving him to even attempting to end his own life. I had to stop him, I couldn't let him throw something so precious away, and to my surprise he'd seemed angry that I'd interfered. He shouted at me for what felt like an hour, gave me a scathing look, and then just flew away. I was afraid he'd try something dangerous again, and though I wouldn't go after him for fear of driving him further away, I kept an eye on his ki, making sure he was safe.

It made me angry that he wouldn't accept my help, all but spat on the effort, and there were times when I considered just letting him do what he wanted. But Vegeta was my friend... at least, I thought he was... and I wanted to give him whatever I could to make him feel like someone was on his side... he seemed so alone. So lost and frustrated. Since Bulma had walked out on him a month ago - she probably would have divorced him if they'd ever been married to begin with... - he'd been like a shadow.

It felt like he was dragging on me, taking me with him into the realm of depression, and I wasn't sure how I was supposed to help Vegeta when I could barely help myself fight free of it. I was upset because he was upset. And I just wished he'd look me in the eye and tell me what he really felt so I could help him reach some kind of closure. It was the least I could do for him.

~Who am I to save you,
To try and tame you,
And now that you are free of me,
But next time when you break down,
Is it me you'll take down,
With you on your knees? ~

I suppressed a long-suffering sigh. Kakarot seemed to have plucked up the courage to seek me out himself, but he was the last person I wanted to speak to right now... Alright, the second-to-last, but I wasn't about to track down the damn blue-haired woman either way, so...

"Get lost, Kakarot." I muttered once he was within hearing range. The wind on the desert plateau buffeted my hair, throwing sand into my eyes. I swiped at them frustratedly, turning to glare at the taller

Saiyan that had made no move to leave.

"Vegeta..." he began reproachfully.

"I said get lost!" I snarled, flaring to Super Saiyan and baring my teeth, lashing my tail threateningly.

The other Saiyan ascended as well, curling his own tail around his waist and meeting my teal stare with his. But his eyes showed defensiveness, not anger, he just wanted to be able to defend himself if I attacked him. I snorted, he wasn't worth the effort.

"Vegeta, let me help you," he implored, taking a step in midair towards me. I crossed my arms over my chest and stared him down, daring him to take another.

"I don't want your fucking help." I said sharply, my voice still raised angrily, "What's so hard to understand about that, third-class?"

He looked as dejected as he did offended, his eyes sparking but somehow listless at the same time, "Can you at least talk about it?" he asked sharply, "Ignoring your problems won't solve them, Vegeta."

Lightning crackled around me as I shouted at him, "I don't want to solve anything!"

Kakarot was silent a moment, as if gathering his nerve.

"Coward." he said shortly, spitting the word between clenched teeth.

Rage roared through my veins, and I perversely rejoiced in it; at least I could feel something. I leapt at the younger Saiyan with a wordless cry and swung a fist at his face, pouring energy into the attack.

Kakarot reacted instinctively, his eyes wide with surprise, and his own fist shot up to block me, colliding hard with my stomach and knocking me back through the air. I doubled over with a strangled curse, my ki leaving me as the force of the blow sucked it away.

The idiot had the nerve to look apologetic, and even pitying.

That was it. I was sick of this; of constantly being at a third-class excuse for a Saiyan's mercy just because I couldn't fucking measure up to him no matter how hard I tried... of constantly being betrayed and disrespected by the people that tried so damn hard to get close to me, but I wouldn't allow them. I could trust no one, especially after what had happened the last time I had.

~See me I'm down and I get deeper with every breath
See me I'm over the edge farther with every step
See me I'm down and I get deeper with every breath
Standing over the edge I'm taking my last breath.~

I couldn't believe I'd done that. I'd punched Vegeta in the stomach when he was off guard, not only that, I'd put a lot of my power into the blow, and I could tell that I'd hurt him pretty badly though he absolutely wouldn't say it. I hadn't meant to... he'd just charged at me, and I responded without thinking. I could see the utter defeat and outrage crawling across the prince's face, and without a word, he turned and fled through the sky again.

All I'd wanted was to help him, and I'd ended up hurting him instead. It felt like a form of betrayal, like I'd abused his trust - which he'd never put in me to begin with. Now he was even more upset and desperate, probably humiliated too, considering his pride... and there was no telling what he would do...

I had struck the prince before, during spars and battles alike, but never as a reflex, never when he was this twisted up and despairing. I was sure he'd hate me for it, even if he didn't let himself know why.

I knew why. I'd turned my back on him accidentally by fighting back; I'd retaliated when he hadn't sought a retaliation. I'd betrayed him in my own small way, and it would be enough to break what was left of his forbearance.

Feeling beaten, though I hadn't taken a hit, unlike Vegeta; I sank to my knees on the rocky ground, the weight of what might happen to the prince falling on me like a deadweight. I could sense his intentions, even from here, and that he was once again considering ending himself for good. I doubted I could go after him and stop him without making a precarious situation worse... I didn't know what to do.

~So who was I to hurt you,
To desert you,
When you needed me there,
So now that you've learned to hate me,
You're finally set free,
I fall to my knees.~

I would not cry. I was more leaden and frustrated than I'd ever been before, but I was still a prince, and therefore tears were unacceptable. Ignoring the burn in the corners of my eyes where the weakness was already gathering in the scarcely-used ducts there, I landed on the edge of a cliff, glancing at the setting sun distantly. This would be my last time looking at it. It seemed cheap somehow, like a cruddy painting of a sunset rather than the real thing, and I scowled, gathering a spitting ball of ki in one hand, charged with enough power to complete the task at hand and then some.

I brought the hand close to my chest, feeling the warmth of the energy and yet faintly numb to it. Half of me hoped the numbness would stay with me while the ki performed its deadly job, and the rest of me wanted to banish the unfeeling sensation so that I could have one last taste of pain before the end.

~How I feel like I'm starless
I'm ready to fade now
And how I feel like I'm starless
I'm hopeless and grayed out
Somehow I feel like I'm starless
I'm ready to fade now
And now I feel like I'm starless
I'm ready to burn out.~

I sensed Vegeta far away, how low his power was; he was at the end of his rope. For a second time. And this time I didn't know if I could stop him; it wasn't my place.

What can I do? I thought frantically, my eyes squeezing shut in desperation.

I remembered something Vegeta had said a long time ago when we were sparring and I was new to Super Saiyan, my power out of control and dangerous. Only the prince had known how to keep the wild power in check, for he himself had lost control like that before.

'Just breathe, keep a level head and slow your pulse... just breathe out slowly, Kakarot.'

I could recall the words as if he were speaking them to me now. The prince of chaos instructing me on how to keep calm and think; it seemed backwards, but his advice worked, and I'd been able to regain control.

Drawing on a distant sense of calm to steady my panicking nerves, I exhaled slowly, letting out my frustration and indecision with the gradual rush of air. I waited until my lungs were empty and burning before I inhaled again, taking a slow amount of oxygen back in to clear my head.

I sensed Vegeta's ki rise slightly in the distance, and a sense of dread made me feel dizzy. The energy was sharp and crude, full of one intent only... the intent to kill. If I didn't get to him quickly and stop him despite my misgivings, no one would, and he would escape this world on the unsettling terms of his own depression. Such a waste, and it could be prevented if only I could make myself move from here.

~And I'm breathing slowly,
Like you said to do when you had lost control,
My head spins from God's wind,
That carries you away from me,
Looks like you got away from me,
This time,
For good... ~

Yellow ki licked at my skin, threatening, promising death to my waiting body and mind. I took a deep breath, and let my eyes slip closed, a moment before the ball of energy was whacked from my hand. I blinked in shock, my eyes snapping to Kakarot standing directly in front of me.

"How dare you?" I snarled, not thinking, "Haven't you done enough, clown?"

He looked at me steadily, and I wanted to throttle him.

"I can't let you do this, Vegeta." he said slowly.

"Why not?" I shot back, "It's no skin off your nose, why can't you just leave me be?"

"You can't throw your life away so quickly, you have so much to live for,"

I snorted, "Like what?"

"Like Trunks, like life itself, like you, Vegeta."

My teeth gritted together, infuriated, "It's none of your damn business what I do, Kakarot."

"What will make you listen to me?" the younger Saiyan pleaded.

"I'll tell you what," I countered, "Get the fuck out of my sight, maybe then I'll listen to you."

"But -"

"You can't change my mind, Kakarot." I said flatly, turning away, "Stop trying."

I had to get away from him, I had to do something to cheat his surveillance of my ki... there had to be some way to escape without him tracking me down and cutting me off. He didn't understand that there were some things I just couldn't face... and I admitted silently that I wasn't nearly as strong as I believed myself to be.

~I can transcend you and mentally bend you
But I can't handle the shit that I'm into
I have been blinded and always reminded
Of the things I've wanted but I never could find
I am a part of a world that I hate I wish the
End would come faster my world's a disaster
Can't you see that I'm down and I'm drowning
And I can't keep my head above my wake

I gotta get you out of my veins
I gotta get you out of my blood
I gotta get you out of my scene
I gotta get you out of me ~

That was much too close, but I still hadn't solved the dilemma, I may have messed it up even more... but at least Vegeta was still breathing. I had to save him from himself somehow, but to do that I had to understand.

"Vegeta..." I said slowly, "Show me your hands."

He rolled his eyes tiredly and extended his gloved hands.

I looked at him, "Without the gloves."

….Now he was more reluctant, and he hesitantly pulled off one white glove, letting it fall unheeded to the ground. He proffered the hand exasperatedly again, palm down.

"Turn it over," I said.

He glared at me, and I could almost see the retorts and refusals clamoring in his mind, though none ended up meeting his tongue.

Slowly, he flipped the hand over, and my breath caught, my suspicions confirmed. From the heel of his palm all the way to the middle of his forearm, his skin was lined with thin dark scars, some more recent than others, all clearly deliberate.

How long has he...? I thought blankly.

"Why?" I breathed.

"I didn't know what else to do..." I almost didn't hear those quiet words, and the prince's lips barely moved as he spoke. He crossed his arms, hiding the self-inflicted injuries from view once again.

"But... Vegeta... you've been cutting yourself... how long?"

"Since the woman left," he muttered, averting his gaze furiously, and I was a little surprised at what he said next through clenched teeth, "... I just wanted to feel something."

I looked at him, at a loss for words. I was supposed to be the strongest person on the planet; in the universe, so why couldn't I do anything for the one person that truly needed my help? He wouldn't ask for it, and he would shun it if I did give it to him, but that didn't make him need it any less. I felt helpless, and I began to share a want with the depressed and suicidal prince before me... I wanted peace for him as well. But I didn't want him to have to kill himself to get it.

~And since those days have passed me by,
I'm in and out of life,
The way you used to be,
You know I always was the strong one,
But now I've come undone,
Sweet Release...(come to me) ~

I went home for the night once Kakarot was done interrogating me. He was such an interference, such an inconvenience, and he just wouldn't leave me alone. Capsule Corp was no longer my home, since the woman had run off, and I wouldn't have been able to bear staying there either way. Now it belonged to Trunks. A small one-bedroom apartment in the city was my residence. Bleak and restrained, just like me.

I had no intention of sleep, and I whiled away the hours pacing, thinking of Kakarot with a sneer of contempt. He didn't even know how much he enraged me, that his level of power could be so much higher than mine, that he could be so successful and well-liked. He was living the life that should have been mine, I was a prince, dammit! One more reason to quit this world, it had nothing more to offer me, and I was sick of looking at the one person who'd achieved everything I would never achieve now. I was sick of being in his shadow. I could take control of my position in one way, though, and if I was going to do anything, it would be on my own terms.

I couldn't use another ki blast, Kakarot would sense it and come running... I hated having to resort to a human device for something like this, but it did seem strangely and ironically fitting. A Saiyan brought down by a weak human thing. Sighing resignedly, feeling relief at my fingertips, I opened a drawer next to the bed and extracted the metal contraption. It had already been there when I had moved here, left by the previous owner for reasons unknown; but I'd never thought I would use it.

I ran a hand tentatively down the glinting barrel, seeing my own reflection and aware absently that my hands were shaking slightly. But not from fear... I was trembling with being so close to freedom. And I would at last be able to shake off this wretched planet and the failed attempt at a life I had tried to start here.

Setting my teeth, I cocked the gun with grim determination, hearing the click and rattle as it readied itself. I dropped my power as low as it would go, dropping my defenses so as to put up no resistance to the welcome killer in my hand. One bullet. It was all I needed.

~What I'm really trying hard to get down to words
Is the way I fit into this world
Things I survived pushed me to the darker side
Because of life as it was the life that was yours
Should have been mine
But I never could take anymore of this
Cause I'm always gonna get down to the floor
It's a cold gun that I kiss
'Cause I cannot break anymore.

Somehow I feel like I'm starless
I'm ready to fade now
That's how I feel when I'm starless
I'm hopeless and grayed out
Somehow I feel like I'm starless
I'm ready to burn out oh
Now I'm starless.~

I carefully watched Vegeta's ki all night, and I was wide awake when it lowered drastically. Concern set in, turning to panic when the wavering power leveled out, and then was erased completely. Without thinking, I teleported, foreboding gripping me almost painfully.

The smell hit me first, smoke and blood and the chill of metal. My gaze dropped to the floor, and I nearly passed out in shock. No...

Collapsed on the ground, a small pistol resting limp in one hand, surreal red blood soaking across the carpet, was the all too familiar body of Vegeta. I knelt without telling myself to do so, shivering with disbelief and fighting denial in my head.

I touched a hand gingerly to the side of his face, tracing it down to his neck. No pulse. No warmth from the cooling skin that felt cold as ice to my unsteady fingers. My eyes – blurred through they were with tears – focused on the prince's face, the numb shock taking over my brain paling for a moment in the presence of sorrow so intense that it cut at my throat and chest.

Vegeta's eyes were closed peacefully, sluggish blood still seeping from a single wound in the back of his head; he must have pointed the gun into his own mouth... a mouth that now curved just so slightly upward in an imitation of a smile; and I had a sickening feeling that he'd worn that self-assured and blissful expression from the moment he pulled the trigger.

I drew a slow breath, letting it out until there was nothing left in my lungs, like Vegeta had taught me. I knew that there was nothing I could do now. The prince had gotten his wish, and in a controversial, uncertainly guilty way... somehow I was glad for him.

~And I'm breathing slowly,
Like you said to do when you had lost control,
My head spins from God's wind,
That carries you away from me,
Looks like you got away from me, This time,
You got away from me oh yea,
You got away for good... ~

-Shinsun

((Wow that was a lot of angst. Sorry guys. And gods, this took me literally forever to write. ...I was going to make it into a two-shot or something, or at least end it on a lighter note, but both of these songs are so dramatic and sad, and I haven't written something with an unhappy ending in a long time. I'm not even sure if this counts as unhappy, because Vege was smiling at the end... Idk.

Thanks for reading and reviewing, takes a second, means a lot.))