Hello Everyone! This has been in the works for a while now. I'm not entirely happy with it but it is what it is. The first song at the rehearsal is One Call Away by Charlie Puth and the song at the end is Far Away by Nickelback, I thought they were fitting. So, regular disclaimer: Don't own Jane or Maura or the songs, just the story. No money was made. Criticism is welcomed as long as its constructive. Al l mistakes are my own since I don't have a Beta. For those who were interested in Lips of an Angel, Thanks for all the reviews! I have decided to continue with before and after chapters, however this will take time since I hand write nearly everything first. So, Thanks again everyone and on with the show…
Jane entered The Plaza de Amour. Twinkling white lights hung from well-manicured trees and shrubs as large halogen bulbs illuminated the flowing stone fountain. People mingled in groups around a placed and highly polished wooden floor. Jane smirked. Of course Maura would go all out. It is her rehearsal party after all.Jane heard soft music being played as a few couples swayed out on the floor. She had been able to convince Maura that a string quartet should be saved for the wedding day and a DJ would be acceptable for the occasion. Immediately she felt her heart clench at the thought. As more guests arrived and moved about Frost suddenly appeared beside her.
"Hey Jane." He turned and smiled at her. "You look nice." She snickered at his compliment.
"I look like I do every day just a little more ironed thanks to Ma." He shrugged and laughed. "Yeah you do, but you still look nice. So, you want to go get a drink?" He motioned to the bar.
"Oh yea." They walked together to the bar and took a seat.
Jane turned on her stool highly glancing in to the crowd very aware that Maura, the woman she loved, was somewhere with her soon to be husband. A sensation of nausea assaulted her stomach.
"You Okay Jane?" She turned and grasped the drink he held out to her.
"Yea, I'm fine." Wincing a bit at the burning of alcohol as she took a long drink from her glass. Oddly, she found it rather comforting. Frost sat slightly fidgeting beside her.
"You know it's not too late." Jane immediately frowned and turned to face him. The glare she sent his way immediately silenced any further remarks he may have had.
Quickly he held his hands up in surrender, "I'm going to go see if Korsak is here." Sliding from his stool Jane watched as her partner quickly retreated in to the crowd. What the hell does he know? Still a small part of Jane couldn't help but hope she would grow a back bone and tell Maura how she felt before it really was too late. She sat sipping the rest of her drink her mind wandering back to the text message that had started it all.
Jane sat in the BRIC staring at her computer. She loathed paperwork and at the moment that's all there was to do, so the chirping of her phone was a welcome distraction. Looking down at the screen an instant smile appeared on her face, it was a text from her favorite Medical Examiner. The message read: I need to speak with you….911! Jane frowned. What could be so important that I need to go down right now? We are having lunch in an hour? Quickly Jane stood and clipped the phone to her hip.
"I'm going to the lab. Maura needs me." Korsak lifted his eyes removing his glasses.
"Something wrong?" concern colored his voice.
"I'm not sure. I'll let you know." Jane made her way to the elevator and pushed at the button impatiently.
The doors of the elevator slid open and Jane looked toward the Doctors office. Maura was pacing quickly back and forth behind her desk. She looked worried but somehow excited as well. Jane knocked softly on the door frame bringing the anxious woman back to the present.
"Oh Jane!" Maura pulled the detective further into the office and shut the door behind her.
"Whoa! What's going on? Is everything Okay?" Jane followed the blonde with her eyes as she opened a drawer in her desk and drew out a green velvet box.
Jane's heart froze. Only one thing could be in that box. Oh Shit. Maura moved in front of the detective her eyes and her hands trembling. Grabbing Jane's arm gently she led them to the couch and sat. Jane's eyes never left the green box until Maura's voice caught her attention.
"It happened this morning. He made breakfast and there were roses and this. He asked me to marry him." She said it as if she was still amazed that someone would want her.
Maura opened the box carefully and turned it so Jane could see. A platinum Irish Claddagh ring with a large emerald inlaid in the crown and a bright diamond that shined brightly at her. A sparkling offender that seemed to be in drastic contrast to the distress and panic Jane was feeling.
"Are you going to say anything?" Maura's face showed signs of anxiety and Jane quickly cleared her throat slightly shaking her head in an attempt put her own feelings in check.
"Oh. Yea. It's beautiful. What did you tell him?" No, please let it be no.
"I told him I would think about it." Maura stood and began pacing restlessly. "I mean it will change everything. I would have to move, that means leaving my friends, my family, and…" Maura didn't want to finish that thought. Leaving Jane's family or her family as she often thought of them, would be hard enough but leaving Jane, that thought almost left her breathless.
Jane stood and lightly grasped the blonde's shoulders and looked in to her hazel eyes. God she is so beautiful. Quietly she asked, "Do you love him?" Please say no, say you love us, me more.
"Yes, I do." Jane's heart shattered. I have to be happy for her. Jane swallowed the lump that formed in her throat. "Then there's your answer. We all just want you to be happy."
Maura smiled, "I'm getting married." She took the ring from its box and slipped it on to her left hand. Jane would never have picked the ring for the doctor but somehow it suited her.
"I have to tell Jack!" She reached for the phone and immediately set it back down.
"Jane? Will you be my Maid of Honor?" Jane felt the sting of those words like salt in an open wound.
"Sure. I'm going to go. I've got some work to do." Quickly, she exited the office afraid that her face may give away her true feelings.
Maura was so lost in her own excitement didn't notice the tears that had begun to collect in the retreating detectives' eyes. Jane wiped at her eyes with the back of her hand. The doors opened and she swiftly made her way in to the bull pen without glancing at anyone. Grabbing her jacket from her desk chair and roughly slipped it on she turned to Korsak.
"Do me a favor and tell Cavanaugh I'm taking the rest of the day." She grabbed her gun from her locked drawer and slid it in to her hip holster.
The older detectives' eyebrows rose in surprise, "You Okay?"
"Yea, just not feeling well. You'll tell him?" she asked as she retrieved her keys.
"Sure." He watched as she was nearly running for the BPD exit doors.
The months that followed were some of the hardest of Jane's life. Maura had involved her in everything from seating charts, menus, to the first dance and vows. When Jane asked why Maura hadn't asked her mother to help her, the only reply she received was that Jane had always been there for her where as her mother had not. Every minute spent with Maura felt like a dagger slowly burrowing into her heart that causing her very soul to bleed. It was really a double edged sword, for as much as these moments hurt, she cherished them because she knew they would be their last together.
Several times she had wanted to tell Maura she should pick someone else to help her and every time she couldn't make herself do it. It would be too much to see the hurt and disappointment that would be in the beautiful hazel eyes she adored. So she stayed in her self-made hell. Maura's happiness was the only thing that really mattered. The night before the rehearsal party Jane had run out of strength. Her heart couldn't take it anymore. It felt like a puzzle that had so many missing pieces you couldn't tell what it was supposed to be. She hadn't been sleeping, which Maura had noticed, and had hardly been able to eat. Maura ever vigilant about the brunette's health confronted her and badgered her until she had choked down a salad, which promptly made a second appearance not long after. Finally, she convinced the doctor that it was just a stomach bug. The blonde was so caught up with work and with wedding planning she never questioned or took the time to scientifically verify Jane's flimsy excuse as she normally would have.
Jane sat on her couch with pen and paper and began to write a letter to her best friend. Sure it was cowardly but it would explain everything and would give words to what she couldn't. She would give it to her mother and ask her to give it to Maura after the wedding and honeymoon.
Maura,
I wish I could find the courage to tell you all of this to your face, you deserve that, but I can't. Not now that you are so happy. I'm sure that by now you realized I wasn't able to be there for your big day. Please believe me when I say I wanted to be, so much. I wanted to be happy for you and I am. I wish you nothing but happiness. I only wish that you could have found that happiness with me. I know it's too late. I missed my chance, and I had so many. If I regret one thing in my life, it's that.
Tomorrow is the rehearsal party and I will be there and smiling, happy for you, but my heart will be breaking. The first time I saw you in the café and you tried to buy a hooker coffee, that was the beginning of the end for me. From that moment I knew you were the one. Our Sunday dinners, movie nights, and nights at the Dirty Robber with friends will forever be some of the best times of my life. Every smile, every tear I wanted to wipe from your eyes will be forever tattooed on my heart, yes I know technically it's not possible.
I will miss all your genius google mouth talk that I could barely understand. Most of all, I will miss our talks, hugs and time just spent on your couch. Those nights I would steal glances at you in your P.J.'s as beautiful as always, so wrapped up in a documentary that you never even noticed I was watching. My heart skipping a beat as your eyes lit up when you learned something new and interesting.
I love you Maura, more than my own life. More than the Red Sox or the air I breathe. That's why I couldn't be with you on your happiest day. I can't watch someone else live the dreams that I had and marry the love of my life. My one star in the darkest night. I'm afraid I will be lost without you, but I will do my best to be happy because I know you are living your dreams with someone who truly loves and deserves you. I will love you forever Maura Dorthea Isles.
Jane
Jane sighed and placed the letter in a plain white envelope with Maura's name scrawled a crossed it in the detectives slanted left handed writing. Felling drained she got ready for bed hoping to find the sleep which had been so elusive as of late. Tomorrow she would talk to Angela to make the final arrangements. Morning found Jane in the BPD café the letter in her pocket and one thought in her head. Find her mother and ask her to help with one of the most arduous things she would ever do.
"Hey Janie." Angela took a customer's money while sliding a coffee across the counter.
"Hey Ma. Can we talk for a minute?" Angela looked at her daughter with concern. Normally, her daughter would go out of her way to avoid talking to her not seek her out to do so.
"Sure. Sit down." The detective moved to an empty seat and waited a couple of minutes until the Italian matriarch could join her.
"So, what's up? Are you alright?" she asked as she slid in the chair next to Janes.
"Yea Ma. Just tired." She ran her hands through her dark curls.
"It's Maura and the wedding isn't it." The blunt statement caught Jane off guard.
"What?!" She almost shouted becoming immediately defensive.
"I just mean it has to be exhausting. The plans and Maura's taste." She held up her hands and rolled her wrists for emphasis.
"Oh yea. Well, that's what I needed to talk to you about." She began to rub her palms a habit she had formed when she was stressed. Maura had been the one to point the it out and was the only one Jane trusted enough to touch her sensitive hands.
"Do you need me to help? I can do anything. Oh, I can…" She rambled on excitedly.
"Ma." Angela continued on. "MA!" The wordy woman immediately quieted.
"Yes, I need you to help me, but I don't want a lot of questions about it. Can you do that?" Her voice showing signs of strain and distress.
"Yes. Okay, sure." Angela settled back into her chair and crossed her arms like a chastised child.
"Okay. First, I need you to give this to Maura after her wedding and tell her not to read it until after her honeymoon." She placed the envelope o the table as the older woman eyed it curiously.
"What is it?" She gingerly picked up the white rectangle.
"It's just some things I wanted to tell her." Angela's eyebrows scrunched together in thought.
"You know I'm not good with actually saying all the emotional stuff so I wrote it down." Jane ran her left hand through her midnight curls. "It's important Ma, don't lose it and don't give it to her until AFTER her wedding."
"Fine, fine. You could just mail it ya know." She said as she slid it in to her apron pocket.
"Yea, because we both know how reliable I am with those types of things." Jane tried to temper her rising anxiety. "There is one other thing." Jane leaned forward onto her forearms and Angela leaned in to listen.
"Okay. Shoot." Jane across the table into the dark eyes that mirrored her own.
"I'm not going to be able to be there for the wedding." Angela instantly began to interrupt as Jane lifter her hand asking for her silence.
"I'll be there for everything else and the rehearsal party." She gave a heavy sigh. "Look Ma, I need you, I'm asking you to fill in for me." Angela could see the desperation in her daughter's eyes.
"It can't be helped Ma. I have to go undercover and I'm the only one that's qualified to do it." She sighed and sat back in her chair. Her heart feeling as though it was being squeezed in a vice.
"Maybe I can talk to Shaun. I'm sure…." Jane uncomfortable with lying and growing increasingly irritated interrupted.
"It's not for him. He doesn't know anything about it. As far as he is concerned I'm simply taking some time off. You can't tell anyone about this alright?" Her head was beginning to pound.
"Sure. No problem." Angela sensed something was off.
She had the feeling that Jane had more than "best friend" feelings for the M.E. for some time. Her inklings had become more concrete when she noticed the subtle change in Jane's behavior after the engagement announcement. She had watched as her stoic and brave albeit stubborn daughter did her best to hold herself together and this is where it had led her. Leaving and running away with a broken heart. The mother in her wanted to hug her and tell her how to fix this, but she also knew that this was something Jane and Maura would have to deal with on their own, for better or for worse.
"Can you do this for me?" Jane was almost begging.
"Of course sweetie." She reached across the table and grasped Jane's cool hand. Jane stood and kissed her mother swiftly on the cheek as she left the café. "Thanks Ma."
Back at the Rehearsal Dinner:
Jane watched as couples danced across the floor. Korsak and Angela smiled and laughed, Frankie and Nina, Maura and Jack. Jane's heart skipped a beat at the sight of the honey blonde. She wore an emerald green dress. Her hair was pulled up but gold curls fell over bare shoulders. The diamonds she wore sparkled and caused her eyes to dance. Just then Maura caught Jane's eyes and smiled brightly Jane could feel her face flush and lifted her drink and nodded her head in acknowledgement as Jack quickly whisked her away into the crowd.
Jane turned back to the bar grateful for the numbing effect the alcohol. Jane sat, lost in thought when a light touch on her shoulder brought her attention back to the present. She knew who it was instantly. The combination of the gentle touch and the sweet smelling perfume told her it was Maura.
"Hey Maura." She turned to face the smaller woman giving her best smile.
"How do you do that?" Maura grinned.
"Do what?" Jane feigned ignorance. She wanted to tell her she would know her anywhere. Instead she fell back on her trademark sarcasm.
"I'm a detective Maura. It's what I do." She shrugged her shoulders taking a large pull from a now almost empty glass.
"You look beautiful by the way." Jane motioned for another drink noticing that Maura immediately began to frown.
"Are you alright Jane?" Jane raised her eyebrows.
"I'm fine Maur. Just unwinding a bit. It is a party after all." Maura tilted her head to the side taking the time to really look at Jane. She looks sad and exhausted. Jane turned back to face the M.E. after retrieving her drink.
"Don't worry Maur. I can take a cab home." The honey blonde gave Jane a halfhearted smile and turned to look out at the guests.
"It turned out quite well don't you think?" Hazel eyes gazed out in to the crowd as she sipped her wine.
"It's perfect." Jane however wasn't looking at the party, only the woman standing next to her.
"The wedding will be too." Jane added as Maura turned her eyes to the detective.
"Yes. I still have so much packing to do before tomorrow night." She sighed as she worried her bottom lip between her teeth.
"Well, if anyone can do it. I'm sure it's you, all thirty bags of it." Jane smiled teasingly.
Maura set her glass on the bar and crossed her arms narrowing her eyes at her friend playfully.
"What? I'm not the one who has to carry all your crap Frankie is" she laughed as she pointed him out in the crowd, Maura finally giggling quietly at her antics. The laughter died and Maura's face took one of serious thought.
"I wish you could take me." She looked like a small child being separated from their favorite toy avoiding Jane's eyes.
"I know me too, it's only for a few days and then we will see each other." Jane felt like the worlds biggest ass for lying to one of the most important people in her life.
"I know." She said just barely above a whisper. It was then that Jack intercepted and drug Maura back to the dance floor.
Jane spent the next few hours mingling and visiting with other that had come from the department, while sneaking glances at Maura every chance she got. The blonde even caught her once causing the Italian detective to flush. Overall, the night had been quite pleasant. Maura was beautiful and appeared happy. Jane was happily buzzed which kept the intermittent bouts of sadness and self-loathing tolerable. Jane took a deep breath looked around saw that guests were beginning to leave.
Maura and Jack stood by the exit thanking and saying goodbye to those who were departing. Jane wanted so much to be the one standing beside the M.E. As she sat and listened to the soft music Jane had what she thought was a brilliant idea. Normally, she would have taken the time to talk herself out of her spontaneity, but what the hell? This could be her last chance and the alcohol had provided her with enough liquid bravery. Quickly, she jumped from her chair waiting only a moment for the world to stop its slow spinning. After a stop at the D.J. stand she carefully and nervously made her way over to her best friend.
Jane stopped and stood a few feet away from the couple trying to develop a strategy to gain Maura's attention. Nervously, she rubbed the scars on her palms, quickly getting the feeling she was about to lose her nerve. Calm down. What's the worst that can happen? Oh I don't
Jane stood a few feet away from the couple trying to develop a strategy to gain Maura's attention. Nervously, she rubbed the scars on her palms quickly feeling as though she were about to lose her nerve. Maura spied Jane anxiously standing a few feet away. Fearing something was wrong she politely excused herself from Jacks side and made her way to the brunette. Jane thought her heart was going to beat out of her chest, she could hear the blood pulsing in her ears as she watched the woman of her dreams walk towards her.
"Hey, are you alright?" she said softly tilting her head slightly to the left as she scrunched her face in concern. Jane began to mindlessly massage her palms.
Come on Rizzoli don't screw this up. "Ugh yea. I'm fine." She quickly mumbled as she dropped her hands. Dark eyes took in the woman standing before her and could tell the Doctor wasn't convinced.
"I just wanted to…ugh...wanted to know if or ask if you would," Jane began to fidget in earnest glancing behind her for something or someone to save her.
"Jane? What is it?" Maura watched as her best friend was close to literally squirming in place. Instantly, she became concerned that the usually calm and stoic detective would likely find herself in an anxiety attack soon if she kept it up much longer.
Damnit just ask HER! "I just wanted to ask if you would dance with me?" It all came out so quickly that it took the doctor a moment to process what had just occurred. No wonder she looked like what Maura imagined an anxious teenage boy might while asking for a date to the school prom. Jane took the momentary surprise and silence as a refusal and immediately felt embarrassed and heartsick all at once.
"I'm sorry. You know what never mind." She could feel hot tears begin to surface and her face flush as she turned to leave.
Quickly, she headed for the exit to make her escape with what little pride she may have had left. Suddenly, she felt a warm soft hand on her wrist halting her retreat.
"Jane, wait. I'd love to dance with you." Hazel eyes were bright and complimented with a warm smile.
"Really?" Jane could hardly catch her breath causing her words to sound raspy and disbelieving. Maura nodded and if possible smiled even more brightly than before.
Jane returned the smile and held out her hand. As the warm smaller hand slipped into hers, she led them to the mostly emptied dance floor. Looking over to the D.J. she gave him a nod and the song Jane had chosen earlier started to play. Pulling Maura close, probably closer than best friends should be, they began to sway. Maura rested her head on Jane's shoulder enjoying the warmth and lavender smell that was uniquely hers. Jane tilted her head close to the doctors and could smell the perfect combination of ecologically safe shampoo and expensive but sweet perfume.
"Did you choose this song for us?" Maura whispered just loud enough for Jane to hear, yet low enough to not spoil the moment.
"Yes, now just listen." It was all she could do to hold back the tears ad to break down and beg the smaller woman to stay, to stay with her.
They danced slowly and quietly until the last notes of the song faded quietly away. They held each other for a few more seconds longer, neither wanting the moment to end. Maura felt that if she let go that it might truly be the end of something truly special. For Jane, she knew when she let go that reality would come crashing in and tomorrow Maura would be gone; this was goodbye; but for the moment, in THIS moment, her life was complete. Reluctantly, the pair separated and the women looked at one another, both wearing strained expressions.
"Thank you Jane. The song was beautiful." Jane put her hands in her pockets and rocked back on to her heels.
"Your welcome." Maura could see Jane's discomfort as she tried to look in to the detective's sad dark eyes which were resolutely trying to stare at the floor.
"Why did you choose that particular song?" Jane shrugged as she looked up. "I just wanted you to know that I'll be around if you ever need me." A tear slipped from hazel eyes. Don't you know I will always need you? Jane gently reached up and wiped it away with her thumb.
"Hey, no crying. Don't want to mess up your model make up or anything." Jane smiled and Maura couldn't hold back a soft chuckle. "I suppose not." Jane, with a deep sigh, stepped back putting further distance between herself and the woman who held her heart and soul.
"Well, you should get back to Jack. I gotta go anyways." Maura stared at her for a moment before silently acknowledging the detectives' words.
"Okay. Well, have a safe flight and be happy." Jane reached out and Maura fell heavily into her arms, fighting the sinking sensation that had taken up residence in her stomach.
"I love you Jane." Oh, how I love you. The words broke Jane. Maura had no idea how much Jane wished those words meant so much more than how the doctor surely meant them.
"I love you too Maura." Forever and Always. They released each other quickly and Jane watched as the M.E. walked away. A silent hot tear finally slipped down her cheek, "Goodbye Maura." Jane turned hastily and made her way to the exit.
All the while, neither the detective or the doctor noticed to sets of eyes had been watching them, one full of sorrow for his hurting partner and the other filled with determination to see her daughter happy and to make this disaster of a situation right. Maura looked back and watched the retreating form of her best friend. She couldn't help the feelings of discontent that were weighing heavily in her heart. Something inside of her kept telling her, no screaming at her, that something was very, very, wrong.
5 Days later
Jane sat in front of the fireplace staring blankly into the flames. An empty beer bottle by her left hand, the stereo playing the same song it had for hours. Thinking and repeating the last week of her life. The week that broke her heart and spirit. The week that had broken her soul. The morning after the rehearsal dinner she had texted Maura and wishing her good luck and a safe flight and reminded her mother of the promise she had made. Sitting alone in her apartment she felt as if the world was caving in on her, she had to escape and try and put her life and world back into some sort of order, but how she would manage it was beyond her. She then remembered the present Maura had given her for her last birthday. Jumping from her couch she rummaged through a kitchen drawer, triumphantly holding up the voucher she had found for a reserved cabin in some secluded overly expensive area and quickly dialed the number. She was lucky that the M.E. was held in such a high regard, which meant she was able to get an immediate reservation. That is where she was now. In the middle of nowhere, alone, drinking and utterly miserable. She had taken two weeks of personal time without anyone knowing where she was going, even her boss. She knew eventually she would have to get back to her regular life, but for now, she was content to wallow in her misery.
Jane looked over at the clock. It was midnight and Maura should be on her honey moon in Paris. The wedding wasn't the one Maura had dreamed of, she had settled and compromised because of Jack and his daughter. Anger blossomed in Jane's chest. She shouldn't have to settle for anything! She deserves everything she wants. As quickly as it had come the anger dissipated into a self-loathing. Well, you could never giver her those things so it's a damn good thing she didn't choose you. She sat her legs spread open her beer bottle settled in between. She watched as the flames of the fireplace danced and cast shadows along the walls. Jane grabbed the remote that lay by her side and pressed the play button for what seemed like the hundredth time. The song began to play and seemed to reflect most of the feelings she couldn't put words too.
An hour had passed and the only movement that had been made was when the bottle had been brought to her lips. The beer long gone and the song still playing on repeat finally brought forth the frustration of the whole situation. Standing and having no immediate out let for her anger she threw the bottle towards the fireplace with all the anger she possessed. The beer bottle burst with a loud noise and glass dispersed all over the hardwood floor. Damnit! I can't even do that right! She rubbed her eyes and temples and blew out a frustrated breath as she made her way to find the small broom and dustpan in the cupboard. Kneeling down she began to pick up the largest of the pieces and place them in the dustpan. Somehow, she became lost in her thoughts and imagined what Maura would have said about her breaking things in anger. So caught up in her own head she hadn't realized that she had been gripping a large piece of the glass so tightly it had bitten a long deep gash into her palm. Crimson dropped and puddled on the floor she watched for a moment thinking that in its own way it was kind of beautiful. Shaking her head, she realized that even though she knew she should be feeling pain in her hand, she felt nothing but numb. Jane finished cleaning up the glass and wrapped a dish towel around the cut in her hand. It may hurt tomorrow but she couldn't honestly bring herself to really care. Feeling tired, emotionally and physically she lay on the couch silencing listening the song that had been playing for hours and watched what was left of the dying flames until she fell to sleep.
It was a loud urgent knocking that woke Jane. Groggily and momentarily confused she sat up confused. What the hell? Again she heard the knocking on the door. Rising, she glanced at the clock in the kitchen. Who the hell shows up at three in the morning?Again the knocking sounded louder than before making Jane more agitated.
"Alright! I'm coming! What the hell…" Jane swung open the door roughly and immediate became silent and very confused with what she found on the other side.
"Maura?" she asked not trusting her own eyes. This has to be a trick of my own mind. This can't be real. I must still be asleep. Jane looked back over to the couch half expecting to see herself still lying there.
Maura stood in the porch light her honey blonde hair shining like a halo. She wore a emerald green jacket with black leggings and high heels. Of course she would still look like a model. There was a fine mist coming down and nervous but hopeful eyes looked from the detective to the porch floor and back again. The soft clearing of her throat brought the detective out of her own head.
"Hello Jane." She gave a shy smile.
"Ugh Hi." Jane looked behind the M.E. expecting to see Jack waiting for her in the shadows. "What are you doing here?" Jane pushed an unruly curl behind her ears. Immediately, the doctors' eyebrows rose in concern when she saw the haphazard bandage around the detectives left hand.
"Jane! What happened to your hand?" She took a step forward reaching out but immediately stopping herself when the brunette instantly hid her hand behind her back and stepped out of reach. Jane thought she caught a glimpse of hurt in hazel eyes.
"May I come in?" Jane nodded and silently moved to the side allowing the smaller woman to enter. Jane clicked on a light in the dark living room since the fire had died taking the light with it. The medical examiner removed her coat and laid it across the back of the couch revealing the cream colored blouse she wore beneath. Jane felt her hear skip a beat.
"Ugh you want a beer or something?" Jane motioned to the fridge.
"No, no thank you." Maura mindlessly played with her long fingers.
"Ok. So, what are you doing here Maura? You're supposed to be in Paris." Jane watched her best friend open her bag and retrieve a white envelope and hold it out to her.
"This is why." Immediately, Jane felt her heart lurch. Son of a bitch!
"You weren't supposed to open that until you were on your way to Paris." Jane whined. "When did she give it to you?" Maura made her way to the kitchen island where the detective was hovering.
"That doesn't matter Jane. Why didn't you tell me all of this before?" Jane could hear the calm but growing agitation in Maura's voice.
"Maura, I just wanted you to have everything you wanted and to be happy?" Jane hung her head and ran her fingers through her hair.
"Did it ever occur to you that it was my choice to make?" Maura could feel the heat rising in her cheeks.
"Yes, it occurred to me ok? It occurred to me a million times, but in the end it didn't matter." Jane slammed her hand on the island counter and felt a surge of pain in her hand. She really wished that was the only pain she had to deal with.
"Why didn't it matter? It should have been the only thing that mattered. You say you want me happy, did you think just letting me settle for someone else was what would make me happy? That giving me away and letting me go and live without you was what I wanted? Or that maybe what I wanted was for you to ask me to stay?" Maura pushed and waited for the words she had said to sink into the hard headed woman who didn't know she held her heart.
"I didn't think it was settling! I thought settling would have been if you had chosen me, if I had ever even had a chance which I didn't." The Italians voice had risen and then softened with the realization of what the blonde had said.
"You settled for Jack? You wanted me to ask you to…Maura, I don't understand. Jack is smart, handsome, successful, a man! What can I possible give you that he can't, he is just simply the better choice. I can't keep up with that big brain of yours, I could never buy you fancy things, and I hate fancy dresses and dinners." Dejected she slipped on to a stool.
Letting out all of the feelings she had been holding in felt like a boulder had been lifted from Jane's shoulders, but it also left her feeling vulnerable, one of the feelings she hated the most. Maura had listened to the detective while her agitation and anger ebbed and flowed throughout the speech. She understood in her head where Jane was coming from, but did she really think so little of her? That thought hurt. Jane rubbed her eyes willing the warning sting of oncoming tears to stay away. Maura leaned across the counter and took Janes uninjured hand in hers, gently rubbing her thumbs across the soft scarred skin.
"Jane. Look at me." Jane kept her eyes on the counter. "Jane, I'm serious." When still no response came she walked around the counter and turned the stool so the detective was facing her and took her hand again.
"I know that you thought what you were doing was right. I know I never gave any clear indication of my affections for you. I was afraid that if we moved beyond friendship then we would be risking everything and there would be no going back. I get it, I do. Jack is all the things you said and much more." Jane blew out a frustrated breath and turned her head away. The M.E. gently cupped her chin and turned it back toward her. "but he's not you. He never came close to meaning what you do to me. You are worth so much more than science and money. I love that you try to understand all the science and facts and that you make jokes about it, but through it all I know, I feel that you care." Maura raised a hand and slid another curl away. "You are smart, funny, loyal, and beautiful. You make me feel loved and normal. You became my very first best friend and gave me the family I've always wanted. You are everything to me." Tears began to fall freely from her eyes.
Jane leaned her forehead against the doctors as warm tears slid down her cheeks and the cried softly together. Carefully, as if she might shatter the moment or break the doctor she pulled the smaller woman into a warm hug and leaned into kiss soft warm lip glossed lips. Jane smiled shyly as she gazed warmly in to hazel eyes.
"I love you Maura. I always have and you are my everything too. I'm sorry I was such an ass. I just don't feel worthy of your love." Maura made to object but Jane pressed on. "but I will try harder every day to BE worthy of it."
"Oh Jane." Maura's breath caught as she smiled and wondered at the beauty before her.
Maura tugged Jane gently to her feet leading her back in to the small living room.
"Maura?" the detective watched curiously as the doctor walked them towards the stereo. The smaller woman pushed the button and glanced at the CD before it was pulled back in.
Jane balanced her weight from one foot to another unsure of what she should be doing. Slowly, the smaller woman turned to face the detective. The dim light highlighted her cheekbones and casting a striking likeness to a strong amazon warrior. Maura couldn't stop herself from grinning as she pulled the Italians strong arms around her waist and laid them against her back. Jane could feel her heart pound as Maura wound her arms around her neck and leaned her head on her chest. Gently, they began to sway as the music began to play softly.
"Maura, shouldn't we talk about this?" she whispered, so badly not wanting to disrupt the moment, but she didn't think that she could do this now, and then leave it all behind her if things didn't work out.
Maura couldn't help but feel content and safe, with a peaceful sigh she knew Jane was right but this moment was too perfect, "We will Jane, but right now all I want, all I need is you to hold me."
Jane closed her eyes as she rested her head atop the soft honey blonde hair and softly whispered, "always."