"Today we'll be learning about vampires; how to identify them, and defend against them," Harry announced to his class of third years, the first of the day. He was cautiously optimistic for the success of the lesson.
"Cool!" Charlie Goldsmith cried out, a mouthy Slytherin with very little respect for most of his teachers. Harry arched a brow and Goldsmith settled back into his seat.
"So, who can tell me one of the distinguishing features of a vampire?"
Marcy Banks, a cheeky Gryffindor, giggled and waved her hand. "Pick me, Professor Potter!"
Harry nodded, barely resisting rolling his eyess. "Miss Banks?"
"Their skin sparkles in the sunlight, and they're super strong, and so handsome," Banks gushed.
Harry's jaw dropped as the Gryffindors burst out laughing. The Slytherins looked entirely bewildered, just as he felt.
"Um, I'm afraid not… Vampires have very pale, papery skin that will burst into flames in the sunlight. Not sparkle."
Banks shook her head. "That's wrong," she informed him. "That's just a myth that got passed down because it looks like they've caught fire. They're actually just sparkling."
Harry scratched his head, bewildered.
"Don't be stupid, Marcy! Twilight's just a book series, you twit," Amy Carpenter, Banks' partner in crime, hissed at her.
"Just because you're Team Jacob!" Banks cried. "Vampires are cuter than werewolves!"
"Are not!"
"Girls!" Harry cried out, overwhelmed. "Calm down."
Their squabbling subsided, but they glared at each other. Harry cleared his throat, and continued with his lecture.
"Now, vampires can be distinguished by their pale skin, gaunt features and red eyes. While most vampires are not dangerous, if starved for long enough they will reach a state of blood lust that will drive them to sate their thirst upon the nearest living creature. A preventative measure against this is of course one of the articles in the Guidelines for the Treatment of Non-Wizard Part-Humans Act of 1905, where upon the ministry provides ample blood donations for all vampires in need. You may find the details in our class texts on page 374."
Harry noted with approval that many students were scribbling down his words.
"Does anyone have any idea what spells you might use to drive away a vampire that has been driven to blood lust?"
"Lumos," Patricia Parkinson said when he pointed at her.
"That wouldn't work!" Banks growled.. "You have to behead them, and then burn their bodies. Only a vampire can kill another vampire. Humans just aren't strong enough."
"Ten points from Gryffindor for interrupting class," Harry said, frowning at Banks. "While that would certainly kill a vampire, that's not what we're discussing – just how to keep them away. And five points to Slytherin for answering correctly, Parkinson. The sun light spell produces a bright enough light that no vampire would dare come near, for fear of burning. Vampires also have an aversion to garlic, although you hardly want to walk around wearing cloves of it."
No one laughed at his feeble joke, although Harry had hardly expected them to. The class had already been thrown into chaos with the girls peculiar arguement He checked the time, and was glad to see that first period was nearly done.
"Alright, I'd like a six-inch essay debating the dangers of vampires versus the dangers of witches and wizards, due next Tuesday. Class dismissed," he said, and sighed with relief as his students scrambled for the door.
Harry stared in bewilderment as he read over Banks' essay discussing some sort of vampire ruling elite, the 'Volturi', and the insatiable thirst for blood that drove all vampires, even when sated. He pinched the bridge of his nose, and marked it T for Troll, noting that she should see him after class. He'd have to figure out what text book she'd got her facts from so that he could ban it from Hogwarts, as it was obviously inaccurate.
Who'd ever thought that being the DADA teacher could be so confusing?
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