Cumming in the night By the Batenator
'Lily I'm smelly.' Severus said for the millionth time.
'Save your breath, which in fact reeks by the way. Like, oh my god, ever heard of tic-tacs...or TOOTHPASTE?!?!?.' She replied haughtily.
'Lily, please I didn't mean it.... Really? It smells that bad? you're such a jerk.' He resonated.
'No, Stinky, you did mean it. You birth like me, so why should bathing be any different?' She asked, jutting her hips forward in a suggestive gesture, intended for the fat lady, but Snape got the wrong end of the stick. He opened his mouth and made an even more suggestive gesture with his hands; but she didn't give him the satisfaction. 'No, I.... Oh god! No, Stinky, I......! That's enough, I've got chlamydia of the eye. Goodnight Snape.' She said, turning on her bosom and skipping back into the hufflepuff common room, towards the boy's dorm.
'Hey whorebag, what's up? I heard moaning.' pomona sprout spouted, running to meet her. Damn she was hot when she got angry, the professor thought. 'Oh go boil your head in a vat of Hagrid dung, sprouty!' Lily shouted back running up the boy's dormitory stairs and slamming the door behind her.
Sprout sat for a while. Then she leapt up and burst into a colourful rendition of 'lay all your love on me' by Abba. Then she burst into flames.
'Oh yeah, she wants me.' Lily said quietly turning back to it's friends after she'd spontaneously combusted in the distance.
Happy pooper shot up in bed, and listened, aware of a very painful vaginal wart. Someone was dying downstairs. Probably Peter, Happy hoped as he hopped out of bed and pranced downstairs. Like a flower girl.
Albus sat hunched over a rent boy called Llewellyn, though he (Alby) is neither welsh nor gay.
'Uhm, Alby?' Happy sang seductively from behind his own teeth before shouting "Oh alllllby, you came..." violently and hiccuping. 'Hey, hey, it's a beautiful new day, wheehey..."
"I focked you." Alby said bending over in a way his sexual positions teacher would be proud of next to him. 'Well well, what do you want Pooper? I do yoga now' he announced energetically.
'I only came to ask if you can suck my battleship.' He said coyly. Alby grabbed his throbbing man parts and pulled him back down.
'No, it's ok, well, only if you suck mine. At the same time ' He said ominously, portraying things that were worse to come. Wrong word.
'What's up then?' He asked sitting closer to him "Except, of course..." he glanced down suggestively.
'Just Llewellyn calling me Kevin and he really upset me. It's just, oh, I don't know he was the only rent boy that would have an old crooked, Std infested, elderly, did I already say crooked? Little scrotum of a man," Alby sniffed, looking at him.
"Hah. Boobies." Happy vaulted over the sofa and through a window. Alby giggled; his warts fading fast, Happy had never stuck him as the suicidal and gay type. He was always the obnoxious, over trying, paranoid, bug eyed, bug infested, wart and lice ridden, boob maddened, serial killing psychopath. Seemed like he was starting to see him in a gay light. His hair wasn't there anymore.
'You know Alby, even when you're crying you're really pretty.' Alby whispered quietly, kissing his own forehead(Without the use of magic) before moving downhill. Something inside of him roared with infection and caused his anus to race Happy out the window.
'Are you feeling ok?'' Llewellyn asked studying him with his vivid pink eyes (He was a welsh albino).
'I guess it's because I'm tired but I can't seem to perform or be bothered to go boil my head in a vat of hagrid dung.' He spat into his rent boy's already half blind eyes. Laughing, he ducked to the floor before reappearing behind alby and breaking his scabby back.
'I really like men.' Alby whispered as his dying words, cursing his rent boy and the communist society, although, at least he wouldn't have to pay...
Ok, ask for more chapters . This was a request for my smelliest friend Beth Bates, of star command, so I hope she endures it. Please feel free to leave me a stamp or a llama or a tree or a yoghurt or an inkwell or a rabbit or a well or a sprinkler or a cloud or a fish or a toothbrush or a....