Author's Notes-
Yes, trans!Naoto fic. Don't try to fight me about it, I'm to tired and you can't win a fight no one participates in.
Shadow of my New Self
"I'd rather you not call me that." Naoto said, suddenly bringing the conversation to a grinding halt. The words had fallen from Naoto's lips far too easily, and now panic gnawed at his insides.
The day had been nothing special, just a completely mundane meeting of their patchwork group of friends. Naoto honestly hadn't meant to mention his thoughts. Perhaps he'd become too comfortable around his friends, even when he knew this wouldn't go over well. He hoped they couldn't see his shoulders shaking.
"Huh?" Yosuke, having been the last one speaking, seemed to think Naoto was addressing him in particular. "Call you what?" he asked. Naoto let the brim of his hat cast a shadow over his face.
"She." he said, plainly and to the point. He didn't let any of them answer before he was shifting in his seat, readying himself to leave. "I'd rather you use he pronouns."
Yosuke laughed nervously. "But your shadow…?" he said, obviously confused. Naoto tried hard not to glare, sighing out his nose.
"To be alive is to change." He said, features relaxed from exhaustion. "Now that I think about it, Teddie here is a great example of that." he said, eliciting a confused noise from his bear friend. "I accepted my shadow, accepted my true self, because that true self was true at the time." Naoto said.
"It's been a year since then," he continued. "and you'll notice I never once stopped binding. I never chose to switch to the girls' uniform. When you all asked me about it, I said I preferred to present how I was most comfortable. When I really thought about why I felt most comfortable this way..."Naoto's voice trailed off. He shook his head. He had no desire to explain himself in any more detail than he already had. He didn't feel like explaining himself, didn't feel like fighting with his friends over something he'd fought with himself more than enough already.
"I have accepted what I cannot change about myself." he said, following a beat of silence. "However, pronouns are something I can choose. I choose he." Naoto said.
"Is it really that simple?" Yukiko asked. Naoto frowned because, no, it wasn't ever simple.
"Yeah, male pronouns won't make you a boy, Naoto." Chie said, crossing her arms.
Naoto let the buzzing feeling of rejection pass through him for a moment. When he looked up, he regretted it immediately as he met Kanji's concerned gaze. His eyes were wide, eyebrows pinched.
"No, he pronouns won't make me a boy." Naoto said, rising from his chair. "I believe I get to decide that all on my own."
In the confusion of his wake, Naoto made a hasty exit. Anger and regret shook him, emotions piling up behind his eyes and pushing out tears. Naoto sniffed as he made it outside Junes' sliding doors.
He didn't regret what he'd said, but that he let himself think this might actually be accepted without protest.
He rubbed carefully at his eyes, anger washing away into numbness. It didn't matter how many times he looked in the mirror or how his shadow had cooed and crooned about his gender. Nothing would change what Naoto knew about himself. The people in his life could dress him up with femininity, like a costume and character he didn't want to play, but under it all Naoto wouldn't ever fit that mold.
He'd just about collected himself, ready to leave for home, when the doors wooshed open behind him.
"Naoto!" Kanji's voice cracked, making his sharp cheeks light up pink. Naoto wasn't in the mood to be supportive.
"I'm on my way home, Kanji-kun. Let's talk later." he said, careful to not let Kanji see his puffy eyes. Kanji, however, wasn't budging.
"Let's talk now." he said, stubbornness communicated through his stiff muscles and clenched jaw. Naoto sighed.
"Can it wait until we get somewhere more private?" he asked, turning to face Kanji. The taller boy seemed to relax, letting his hands fall to his side.
"I'd really like that." Kanji said.
Once safely behind Naoto's door, the boys took a seat on the couch in the living room. Naoto hadn't been interested in defending himself earlier with his friends, and he had no intention to be the one to break the awkward silence between them. Kanji took his sweet time realizing this, his blush creeping down his neck. Kanji coughed loudly, desperately trying to keep his composure.
"T-That stuff you said," he began slowly, his voice wavering slightly. "Do you really see yourself as a boy?" he asked, suddenly becoming very quiet. Naoto's throat clenched.
"I do." he said. He reconsidered for a moment, adding "Or, at the very least, not a woman."
"And it's not cuz being a girl hurts your image?" Kanji asked. Naoto wanted to be offended, but considering what Kanji had seen from his shadow, Naoto actually appreciated Kanji's concern.
"That was the case at one time," he said, shaking his head. "I feel very differently now. I'm a little curious what a shadow of my current self might have to say." he said, his head cocking to one side. "Maybe something like: now you're just trying to get attention!" he said in mock malice. "Why can't you just pick a gender and stick to it? You're such a bother, always confusing everyone around you! Selfish, selfish, selfish, that's what you are." Naoto bit his lip, consciously making an effort to derail his train of thought.
Kanji was silent for a while, a stretch of time that felt like hours to Naoto.
"I was-" Kanji made a strangled noise, his hands moving to his knees to grip the fabric of his jeans. "I was always really scared about likin' cute shit, yah know?" he gulped. "And then the whole, the uh, gay crisis, happened." he sighed. "what I'm trying to say is-" Kanji stopped himself, aware his voice was rising. He took a deep breath. "I know what it's like to be scared of yourself…"
Naoto let Kanji's words drift into silence. He liked the sound of them, but they didn't quite resolve the issues at hand.
"I will be blunt." Naoto said, already feeling his eyes begin to burn and his throat ache. "We are not dating, but the likelihood of such an outcome is...was becoming quite high." he said. "I like you Kanji." his voice lowered, nearly a whisper. "So you must tell me now if you can love me, Naoto, as a boyfriend. Or a girlfriend. Or something else entirely. If you can't then we have nothing more to talk about and I need you to leave."
Kanji's mouth hung open, his expression pained enough Naoto had to look away. This was going to be the end after all.
"I'm still-" Kanji's voice was soft, gentle, Naoto's favorite version of Kanji to listen to. "I'm still afraid of myself. The idea of likin' boys still...freaks me out. Just cuz a well, what people think of them. Of boys that like other boys." Kanji rubbed the back of his neck. "I'll be honest, I was happy when you accepted you were a girl, because it made my f-feelings for you easier for me to accept." Kanji shook his head, valiantly ignoring the blush heating his face. "But that's not really important right now..." he said. "I guess what I wanna say is...You weren't there when I faced my persona but, when I'm with you it kinda feels like I'm doing that all over again."
"If I'm such a burden, then why do you stay?" Naoto asked, clipped and impatient. Kanji glared.
"Hey now I didn't say you were a burden." he said, trying not to let himself shout. "What I mean is-" he let his voice fall back into its gentle kind. "It's hard yeah, but I faced my shadow and beat it and I'm a better person because of it. Same goes for you too." he said. Naoto finally lifted his gaze from the floor back up to Kanji. The rough looking teen was sporting a soft blush, though it suddenly deepened to a bright red as he held his hand out, his face contorting with embarrassment. "Being with you makes me feel like I can face anything. So I- I'd like you to be my b-b-boyf-" Kanji coughed. "Holy shit I'm fuckin' it up, I'm so sorry shit shit-" he said, speaking low and to himself though it wasn't like Naoto couldn't hear him.
The young detective caught Kanji's retreating hand, his chest swelling with affection.
"I know it's hard for you to say." Naoto said, eyes back to the floor but smile warm. "Maybe you can't say it right now, but I'd really love to hear you say it one day." he said. Kanji bit his lip, wrapping his fingers firmly, almost too firmly, around Naoto's. He took a whistling breath through his nose.
"I'd like you to be my boyfriend!" Kanji all but yelled, every muscle in his body drawn taut. Naoto flushed, squeezing Kanji's hand. "O-Or girlfriend or, fuck, I don't know what a gender neutral word for this..." Kanji's voice petered off awkwardly. Naoto watched the boy through the corner of his eye for a moment before making a hasty decision.
He leaned over, pressing his lips to the sharp edge of Kanji's cheekbone, blistering hot with embarrassment. "Thank you." Naoto said.
It seemed Naoto's peck on the cheek was all that was needed to reduce the fierce 'biker gang leader' to an unintelligible lump of flesh. Naoto didn't think Kanji said a single word the rest of the night.
Had Kanji not followed him home that day, Naoto might have actually broken off his friendship with the post-investigation group. With Kanji by his side, though, he felt more than relaxed enough to join his friends again at Junes.
"Oh, she's here!" Rise waved as Naoto walked into the food court with Kanji in tow.
"Can it!" Kanji growled, making Rise jump. "Naoto already told you, he ain't no she." he said, dropping himself into one of the cheap plastic chairs. Naoto couldn't stop himself from smiling, taking the seat next to him. Rise looked a bit lost.
"O-Oh, I'm sorry?" she said. Naoto wasn't sure she meant it, nor did she understand what she'd done wrong, but the angry scowl on Kanji's face put him at ease. It was as if Kanji was being angry for the both of them, letting Naoto relax in his usual state of indifference.
"Right, so about yesterday." Yosuke said, turning his attention to Naoto. "Are you really going to pretend to be a boy?"
Now both Naoto and Kanji were glaring, their anger currently directed towards Yosuke who immediately threw his hands up in defense.
"He ain't pretending." Kanji said, leaning forward in his chair.
"Well! What else do you call it then?" Yosuke asked. "She's not-" he said, biting off what he had to say as he feared literal daggers would shoot out of Kanji's eyes.
"He told you yesterday." Souji interjected. Everyone quieted down, listening intently to their had-been leader. "He can't choose what his body looks like, but he can choose his pronouns. He can choose how he dresses. He can choose what role to play, male, female, or otherwise." as he spoke, he met the gaze of all of his companions, a gentle smile on his face. "You all should respect that." he said.
The team seemed to lower their eyes in unison, guilt washing over their features.
"Also I'll fuck you up if you don't." Kanji said offhandedly. "Friends or not, I'm sticking up for Naoto, yah got that!?" he said, slamming his fist down on the table.
Their friends grimaced.
"Kanji-kun, please." Naoto said, resting his hand over Kanji's fist. "I'm sure they get the idea, there's no need to shout."
Kanji flushed, his features relaxing as he opened his hand to let Naoto hold it.
"Wait, wait, wait!" Chie said.
"Are you guys-" Yukiko asked.
"Dating!?" Yosuke and Rise questioned together. Teddie squealed with delight.
"W-W-What of it huh!?" Kanji stammered. Naoto was blushing, but kept his face trained to calmness.
"So you are gay?" Souji asked, earning a cup thrown at his face which he expertly dodged, all with a straight face (no pun intended).
"Maybe!?" Kanji shouted, pushing his voice to the breaking point. A light chuckle tumbled out from behind Naoto's lips.
"Does it really matter if he's gay or not?" Naoto said, musing.
"I'm gay!" Teddie shouted cheerily.
"I don't think you know what you're saying." Yosuke said flatly. Teddie puffed up his cheeks.
"Just because I'm not human doesn't mean I don't know things!" he protested.
"Being gay means you like people of the same sex." Souji said. Teddie scrunched his eyebrows.
"But I like everyone." he said, looking defensive.
"I got this." Yosuke said. "What he means is, you'd be gay if you wanted to score with dudes." he said. Teddie seemed to consider this.
"I hadn't really thought about it before." he said, eliciting cries of terror from Yosuke and fits of laughter from Yukiko.
Naoto lost interest in the conversation material, but enjoyed watching his friends interact nonetheless. Kanji's hand was warm and big around his, making his heart light. He leaned towards his boyfriend, and if he didn't know any better, he would have sworn Kanji leaned towards him just as well.
Author's Notes-
I really can't fathom why there aren't more trans!Naoto fics. I'm actually so appalled by the lack of trans!Naoto that I'm putting a trans!Naoto appreciation week together on tumblr, so look out fo that! (url is sirotterpup) To be fair, I played Persona 4 before I was in the trans scene so to speak. According to wikipedia P4 was released in North America in late 2008 and I didn't start to think about trans issues until 2009. Memories form those years are fuzzy because reasons, so I can't honestly remember how I felt when I played through Naoto's dungeon. I actually watched the anime to refresh how exactly Naoto's confrontation with his shadow went because I couldn't remember.
Anyway, as much as I like the idea of Naoto being and knowing he's trans from the get go, I wanted to stay canon compliant. That's good in it's own way, though, because there's a huge number of trans people that go through years and years of confusion and conflicting feelings about their gender. And I think it's really important, and in line with P4's overall message, that Naoto recognizes that yes at one point in his life he was content to see himself as a woman, and that past is a part of himself even if he doesn't feel the same now. Keeping the canon in my trans!Naoto headcanon makes me feel like Naoto is a bit more gender fluid, preferring to present as masculine and liking he pronouns but not necessarily completely identifying as male.
So leave comments and kudos if you enjoyed!
-FoxyGrampaGlasses