a/n: using song titles because i'm unoriginal but also because the lyrics of this song will be added into this and I'll be using italics for the lyrics. anyways this is a darker fic that I've been thinking about for a while. The song is Feeling Whitney / Post Malone if anyone wanted to listen to it as well.

And I've been looking for someone to put up with my bullshit

I can't even leave my bedroom so I keep it pouring

And I ain't seen a light of day since, well, that's not important

It's been long

Soda's back was dripping with sweat that ran cold once his back hit the cool summer breeze. Again. For weeks now he's been waking up form nightmares unable to stand them for any longer. He woke up with a start realizing he must've been screaming in his sleep again waking his brothers up too as the kitchen light flooded his room through the crack. Ponyboy and Darry have been wary of letting him lock his door, they insisted he keep it closed with a slight crack just in case.

He knew what that meant. In case— he tries to kill himself.

You knew I was losing

You told me to wake up, oh, my clock always stays on snooze

I'm done

Pony knew that it's been a rough couple weeks since Soda's return, anytime him or Darry approached him about it, Soda quickly shut down and disappeared into the darkness of his room refusing to answer them. Soda's rare appearance each night was to sit with them for a silent dinner, his eyes sunken in and tired even though it seems like all Soda does is sleep.

it was actually the fight against sleep that drained Soda of all his energy. Scared and anxious he'll relive his time back in 'nam he tried his best to keep his eyes open, staring at the clock across his room slowly feeling his mind slip into darkness. The dark thoughts that followed him through the jungle seemed to be catching up with him back in Tulsa.

To each their own and find peace in knowing

Ain't always broken, but here's to hoping

Show no emotion, against your coding

Just act as hard as you can

You don't need a friend

Boy, you're the man

Soda could feel the dam inside himself start to crack and when it finally broke down, he couldn't stop the flood of tears running down his cheeks. He sobbed uncontrollably and he felt himself ball into a tight curl and started to rock himself back and forth. The loneliness was probably the worst part. He couldn't bring himself to tell Darry and he promised he would never tell pony of the things he's seen. Of the things he's done.

Things that made him. hate. every. minute. of. his. existence.

He tried to stay tough in front of his brothers, telling himself he couldn't go running to Darry and Pony. They already had enough on their plates. Even though Darry continues to insist they are ready to hear whatever he needs to say— to move forward he must forgive himself of the past.

Darry knew he would love his brother no matter what. Pony would love Soda no matter what. Deep down even Soda knew that but he was so goddamn stubborn. He wanted nothing more than to tell Darry about everything, to let his brother hug him and let out all the pent of anxiety, anger, and loneliness he felt.

And I've been looking for someone that I can buy my drugs from

It seems like every plug ran east to Utah, became Mormons

Drought comes around, feels like I have no one to depend on sober, ugh

Soda let the cold air in, taking a deep breath. Even the air felt different here, there was less moisture and the stench of fear and death didn't linger about like it did back in the jungle. Soda leaned against the metal screen separating himself from the outside and carefully weighed the needle in his hand. Swiftly and quickly, with a deftness that can only come with experience, the needle found its mark and slid easily into the fresh vein being offered. He felt the first initial rush through his veins and let the drug coursing through his body take the pain away. He knew, god did he know, that the drugs would only bring him more trouble but — but Jesus fucking christ did it numb the pain, it temporarily made him feel whole again. Darry and Pony didn't know about this. God help him if they ever found out.

Darry had his suspicions as his brother insisted on wearing long sleeve during the hot summer days to hide his arms. It was becoming an increasing concern for Pony and Darry as their brother would leave the house and disappear for hours on end returning and refusing to say where he went or who he was with.

I had 80 beers on Tuesday night, I had nothing to do with it

I put on a little Dwight and sang a happy tune

And lit a cigarette, stepped out the door, had an appearance

Drank more

Darry and Pony sat around the kitchen table the next morning talking in hushed whispers but their voices carried down the hallway where Soda was slowly making his way to the kitchen. Darry was the first to hear Soda approaching the kitchen and motion for Pony to be quiet.

"Morning Soda do you want some breakfast? I can make you some eggs" Darry tentatively asked ignoring the loud scraping of the chair as Soda slumped down on his seat. Soda silently shook his head in response. Pony was the first to notice the track mark before Soda quickly pulled his sleeve down. It was 80 degrees in Tulsa and Soda still insisted on wearing long sleeves.

Pony's eyes widened when he realized what those marks were and got up to grab Soda a glass of water before Soda's arm reached out quickly to pull his brother back into his seat. Pony took a deep breath at a loss for words before starting "Soda I-" He was cut short by the tears starting to roll down Soda's cheeks.

Darry rushed to Soda's side when Soda quickly grabbed Darry's waist hugging him tightly as he began to audibly sob. Soda hadn't felt like this since he was 6 and he broke his ankle falling out of the tree in their yard. Darry was there to hold him as he cried until their mother rushed out to take him to the doctors. Darry choked back his own tears knowing the pain Soda must be in to break down like this.

"I think I'm ready to talk. About everything" Soda mumbled letting Darry go and wiping away the trail of tears on his face. "I don't want to die, but I don't know how to live anymore. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry." Pony got up and hugged Soda tightly.

"We'll get through this Soda. Together."