Loss of a light.
This was all wrong.
This wasn't supposed to happen how it did.
She is supposed to live.
She is supposed to grow.
Standing...
Frozen...
Feeling nothing but pain...
Hoping in some way, someday...
This wouldn't have happened. That this was all of mirage.
That this wasn't how it goes.
That this was an allowed.
That somehow this is not where we should be.
We would have seen her eyes.
We would have seen her smile.
We would have heard her laugh. We would have heard her cry.
We would have seen her first steps.
We would have heard her first words.
We would have laughed with her.
We would have been her parents. We would have shown her the world.
We would have started something great.
But it was never going to happen.
Why do we have to bury her?
Why do we have to watch her die?
Why do we have to feel this pain?
Why do we have to cry this much?
Why do we have to lose our hope?
Why do we have to be separated?
Why do we have to miss for grow?
Why do we have to be here alone
She was our life, our key.
She was our hopes and dreams. She was our love, our own.
She was our first, our daughter.
She was our wish that never came true.
She was the one who made us smile.
She was the one who we were devoted to.
She was the light in our lives.
She was supposed to give us a chance of an actual life.
She was supposed to live longer than us.
She was supposed to carry out our legacies.
She was supposed to have a future.
We need her.
We need her back.
She should have lived.
She should have had a better life. She should have had her first birthday. She should have had her first friend.
But... She won't.
Even though we wish she could, she wont.
Not now, not ever.
Collapsing to the gravel with my wife nearby.
Scraping against the charcoal and the rocks.
Dropping the shovel, Dropping to my knees.
Hearing the soft cried of her silent sobs.
Tears falling and falling and falling.
A never-ending river of pain and madness.
Rushing waterfalls and cries of our wounded souls.
Screaming and shouting to God that this wasn't fair.
Her stone cold face wrapped in black cloth.
The small ditch placed with hay and a bed of flowers.
Thinking life was laughing too hard at our distress.
I can't handle this.
I can't think straight.
I can't do anything to numb the pain.
What did we do?
What sin did we commit to be burdened with this kind of distraught?
Why were we punished?
This tragic feeling giving us the despair we didn't deserve.
Ocean rushing forth,
Snow coating the ground we tread path on.
Memories that bring me to tears.
Hunting down a solution.
Finding an answer.
Learning thing aren't lollipops and sunshine.
It cruel to think that people heal their wounds.
But it isn't true.
We build walls.
Skyscrapers to hide the pain and drown all connections.
Coliseums around scars from my parents discipline.
Wounds never heal.
We all hide the fact we're aching and eroding away to a place called life.
Trying to cope with the empty loss of a child, your child, your first born.
Realizing it won't ever have a chance to go to a school or even a church.
We never even heard her first word.
We never even knew what her actual eye colors were.
We are never going to know.
Pain, distraught, depression, distress, tears and cried.
Mixed in a soundtrack on repeat going over and over again tell us that even though we tried to heal or build the walls, it's still there. Waiting for us to knock them down and open the wound larger as we learn of our dwindling child.
The child no longer alive.
Why did we have this suffering?
All of this brought tonight,
Wasn't real.
Wasn't right.
Wasn't true.
Wasn't there.
But as much as I would love to believe that she was out there, I knew she wasn't.
Placing the bundle in the bed and then wrapping a small necklace around her neck, telling other if they found her that she was our daughter. Amber Thurston.
I cried and cried holding my wife as we began placing the dirt around her. Then coating her in the dirt. As then the moon rose and then we both stayed until dawn. We didn't stop crying.
We couldn't. How could we?
She was in pain and drowning in dispair wishing that she was still in her arms. And wishing that she could hear that crying again. I hugged her close feeling her tears drip onto my shirt as my tears dropped in her hair. I held her close and rubbed her back. This void. This feeling of emptiness was all I felt. I felt guilty that this was all my fault. This shouldn't have happened in our lives. All we ever did was want to have a family. We wanted sons and daughters and once we saw that privilege I watched it leave my grip. Placing rose on the burial site. I planted a tree. Every fall I'd see Amber leaves and it would remind me of her. But then in the winter they would fall. Reminding me to stop wishing for her return. It won't happen.
Sitting in the cold I silently prayed as my wife's sobs grew and grew louder in agony.
"Charles... Ray... Take care of her for me..." I said with my voice breaking and breaking. As dawn rose my wife fell asleep in exhaustion. I picked her up then walked back to our small house we were going to settle down in. But now. I see no reason for that to happen. I lay her down in her bed then lay next to her. I plant a kiss on her forehead and then whisper.
"She'll be fine."
But the bigger question is: Will we?
AHHHH! SO OKAY! I never noticed that this story was messed up like how it was... Ew, Thanks to Zwoelf who gave a review about the problem I believe I fixed it So Enjoy like always. And if your waiting on Life After A Wedding, I haven't been able to work on it, one because of school and two because of feels, That last episode was sad I think I cried. But enough of this, I'll let you fill the void of a character with emotion, thank you and Read Like The Devil.