This story was written for the First Round of the Seventh Season of the Quidditch League Fanfiction Competition. I'm writing as Chaser 2 for The Tutshill Tornados.
Name of the round: Snake Humour
It's a round inspired by Monty Python, with emphasis on inspired. When I saw that I got the holy grail, I was hoping for a bit more, but this is good too.
The task of CHASER 2: "The Holy Grail" King Arthur must answer three questions correctly to cross the Bridge of Death. The guardian gets a question wrong himself. Write about a canonly clever character being outwitted.
These are the prompts I'm using as a chaser to score some extra points:
4. (word) insufferable
8. (situation) Catch-22 (according to wiki: paradoxical situation from which an individual cannot escape because of contradictory rules.)
15. (word) coincidence
Disclaimer: I don't own any part of the world J.K. Rowling has created. It's all hers, from Diagon Alley to Hogwarts to all the people living there.
Thanks a lot to my team for betaing, inspiring me and being awesome!
Pink Toads, Pompous Politicians, and Impossible Old Geezers
Words: 1 107
Fudge stood behind his large desk in the Minister's Office on the first floor of the Ministry of Magic. At the other side of the desk sat Headmaster Dumbledore. Though one man stood and the other sat, they were close to equal height, making for an interesting tableau. The third person in the room added to the particularities of the assembly. In a corner of the room, camouflaged in a pink velvet armchair sat a third person, clipboard on her knee: the Senior-Undersecretary to the Minister of Magic, Dolores Umbridge.
"How goes the search for a new professor of Defence Against the Dark Arts?" asked Fudge. "The start of the school year approaches. There has to be time for some preparation. The students need their supply lists. The Board of Governors grows impatient and has reached out to this office with their concerns. If you cannot find someone suitable, the Ministry will have to see to the appointment." He gave a close-lipped smile, rocking slightly on his heels.
"Well..." Dumbledore stapled his fingers together, elbows on the Minister's desk, smiling placidly in turn. "The search has indeed gone on for slightly longer this year, but it has been for a good reason. To abide by the Ministry and Board of Governors' new edict that all personnel at Hogwarts be proven competent, I have decided to change the requirements of a Hogwarts Professor."
"I see," said Fudge. His mouth turned into a straight line and he narrowed his eyes. "That's good. Very good. And what are the requirements now? I must ask, you understand. We don't want repeats of the last two years."
"Quite right, we don't. I wouldn't want to bring back any of the Defence Against the Dark Arts teachers of the past. That is part of the condition I've set up."
Fudge worked his mouth, frowning. He shook his head quickly. "I don't see why you need to spell it out, but all right. Yes. That is a given. Werewolves! Death Eaters! Of course, they can't return. But that can't be all. What else?"
"The lowest demand has always been that the professor should know the subject he or she is to teach which is why I have always conducted interviews with all eligible candidates myself. However, as we've learned, to know the subject hasn't been sufficient. To be a good teacher, you need to have experience. Wouldn't you agree?"
"Of course!"
Dumbledore nodded. "And the experience should be in teaching. While any witch or wizard who is capable and knowledgeable could be a possible candidate, not all are suited to teach. We must take care when it pertains to who we allow to tend to the minds of our country's young."
"Yes, yes. I inferred you meant that."
"And to work at a prestigious school such as Hogwarts, you must have nothing less than teaching experience from an equally reputable establishment."
"Yes, yes. And?"
"Do you agree that Hogwarts is without question the foremost magic school in the world?"
"I…"
"That it is without equal?" When Fudge didn't immediately answer, Dumbledore peered at him over the top of his spectacles.
Fudge got flustered, cheeks reddening, speech quicking. "Yes." He harrumphed. "Naturally. There is no better school than Hogwarts. Not in Europe. Not in the whole world. Or there has not been before, and we need to keep it so. What are you getting at, Dumbledore?"
"Hem-hem." Umbridge coughed.
"Would you like a drink of water, Madam Secretary?" Dumbledore asked.
"No, thank you." She pointedly turned her gaze away from the Headmaster. "My dear Cornelius, what the Headmaster is saying is that to teach at Hogwarts, you must have done so before, but you must also not be one of the failures who has taught at the school."
"What!" Fudge floundered then went on to swell like a bullfrog. "Dumbledore! What's the meaning of this? It's preposterous!"
"Not at all." Dumbledore remained completely unfazed. "On the contrary, it's the only reasonable thing to do. You've yourself agreed with all my reasons. Shall I repeat them?"
"No, no need—"
"A Hogwarts teacher must be competent, have experience teaching at Hogwarts, and have no past teaching failures on their record."
"No such person exists! To teach, you must have taught, but if you have taught before you're a proven disaster. You've created a set of rules that are impossible to abide by."
"Ah, but that's where you're wrong. As coincidence would have it, I have found a perfect candidate."
"Coincidence! Bah! If such a person exists, there is nothing coincidental about it! Who's your so-called perfect candidate?"
"Severus Snape."
Umbridge tittered. "The Death Eater?"
Dumbledore's eyes darkened and the room with them. "He's no more a Death Eater than you or I. For his services as a spy, he was pardoned at his trial, and he has served faithfully at Hogwarts as Potions Master for many years."
"Ah-hah!" Fudge whooped. "I got you now!" He pointed a shaking finger at Dumbledore. "Positions! That's not experience with Defence Against the Dark Arts."
"Well—"
"No. No, no, no. Not this time! This time you've hexed yourself into a corner. You don't have a suitable candidate, and you've run out of time to find one. That is, unless you've got another coincidence hiding up that ridiculously patterned sleeve of yours. But you don't, do you? No, you're done being insufferable. The Ministry will make certain that the students of Hogwarts are properly taught."
"Cornelius, I'm afraid I must insist—"
"Hem-hem." Umbridge coughed artificially again.
"Are you sure you wouldn't like something to drink?" asked Dumbledore.
"Perfectly sure. Now, before you start trying to transfigure things to your liking, there's another coincidence to take into consideration."
"Oh? Well then, Madam, I'm all ears." He bowed his head at her.
"As it happens, I have teaching experience at Hogwarts."
The two wizards looked wide-eyed at her.
"I was the leader of a study group during my last two years at the school, helping the younger students in my house with all their subjects, and from my previous work in the Department of Magical Law Enforcement I have more than adequate knowledge about Defence Against the Dark Arts."
Fudge gave a little laugh. "Splendid! That's absolutely splendid!" He clapped his hands together. "It's settled. Dolores will teach Defence Against the Dark Arts beginning this September."
"Yes," Dumbledore said, drawing out the word, "if she performs adequately at the interview."
"Dumbledore!"
"Settle down, Cornelius," she said sweetly. "I'm sure the Headmaster and I will become the very best of friends, and that he'll find nothing to object to." She smiled widely. "Nothing at all."
The End
A/N 19th April 2019
They're all rather insufferable, I have to say. But very fun to write. Hope you liked the story. Do let me know.
I've barely written over the past year. In an effort to cure that cessation I joined the Quidditch League anew. Although it was like pulling teeth to get myself to actually type it up, that's the whole point. I'll get back in practice and start posting not only Quidditch stories but other stuff too.