He did it. Drakan is dead. Dead. Lying in the snow with his throat cut. He killed him.
Nico knows he would feel sick if it wasn´t for the pain. It clouds everything else, and his only thought is make it stop.
He feels hands on him and he is lifted off the ground. He can´t help but whimper as the movements jars his arms and sends bolts of pain out through his body. It hurts so badly. He can´t see. Everything is white, then black. Then white again as something presses hard against his wound. Then black.
It´s warm and cold at the same time. He´s scared, he´s tired and it hurts. Make it stop.
He hears voices, kind voices but they are so full of fear it scares him, and he clenches his eyes shut. They yell and scream and he thinks he hear his name. Is that really his name?
Make it stop.
He hears is again, his name. Someone is calling for him, someone whose name he can´t remembers. He loves but fears that voice, fears what it can do and make him see and he turns away from it.
Nicodemus Ravens! It yells and he opens his eyes in chock. Everything is red and dark and warm. Water is running down his forehead and he shifts his eyes around, trying to see. She is there, standing above him. Her hair is dark and her face pale, her hands are bloody.
No, please, no more.
Stay with me! The voice demands and he is as if frozen, unable to move as the voice makes him stay.
Nico, stay with us, you can´t die now, another voice says. This one he doesn´t fear and he lets himself be pulled towards it. It slowly becomes slightly brighter and he can see again. He sees her, looking just like her mother, right down to her bloody hands.
It hurts.
I know, but just lie still, mama is almost done.
Done with what? A flame stands beside her and he recognizes the flame. He likes her. She saved his life. His life. Is he alive? Yes, he must be. Death is painless, death is peace. There is no such thing here. It hurts and all he wants is to go back to the darkness. There is nothing for him here. If there is he can´t remember what it is. There is only pain.
Don´t you dare, Nicodemus! Don´t you dare leave us like this! She is angry and he wants to answer but just then something hits his side so forcefully, only a scream leaves his mouth.
Make it stop, please, make it stop. I don´t want to feel anymore.
Living is feeling and we need you alive. The people need you. They need their Castellan.
Castellan? Oh no, not that. He doesn´t want that. He never wanted that. He is not a castellan; he is not a man like that. He can´t live like that. He won´t.
I rather die. Yes, I´d rather die, don´t let me live such a life. Let me die. Please.
He lets go, he turn to the pain and let it pull him down into the darkness. It grabs him and drags him away from the light and the fire. It hurts but it better. Better than what awaits him in the light.
How long is he there, in the darkness? He doesn´t know. He´s not sure he cares. Sometimes he sees the light and hears the voices and he is scared.
Let me die, I don´t want it. I don´t want a life like that.
Then don´t live like that, the voice says, now far more gentle, Let your old life die. Let Nicodemus Ravens die and live like Nico. Let Nico live and come back to us.
He can´t think. Die but live. Live but die. The house of Ravens has fallen. The dragon is dead. His brothers are dead, his father is dead. The Raven has fallen. Is he dead? Nicodemus, is he dead?
Yes, Nicodemus is dead. Let the raven die. I am Nico. I can be Nico.
Then fight!
And he does.
S
He wakes feeling bone thin and very warm. And alive, the pains tells him that much. He smells blood and panics. No, not again. He can´t go through it again. The smell of vomit and dragon blood fills his nose and he trashes, fighting to get away from it all.
"Nico, Nico, stop! Stop it! It´s fine, you are safe."
"No, the dragon… blood!"
"He´s dead, Nico. Don´t you remember?" he knows that voice.
Dina.
He opens his eyes and sees her. Young and with dark hair, beautiful with her green eyes. Eyes he can look into now, since her gift is hidden. He doesn´t recognize the room. It's long and there is several beds alongside his own. He can still smell it. Dragon blood.
"Dina," he rasps, his voice barely over a whisper and Dina brings him some water. She supports his head until the cup is empty and he fall back against the pillow, the small task having exhausted him completely.
"Dina," he whispers but she shushed him and sits down on a chair beside the bed. There is no sign of Rosa or Melussina.
"Mama is getting some soup for you," Dina says and takes his hand in hers. He is paler than her now.
"What…what are you going to do?" he asks, remembering the voice in the darkness.
Dina looks at him with those serious eyes that don´t belong to such a young girl. But Dina is not so young anymore. She has done more in this war that any of them. All Nico did was kill a dragon. Two dragons. Dina has powers he can´t grasp. She is so powerful, Shamer or not.
"Nicodemus Ravens is dying," says Melussina as she strides into the room. Her dress is bloody and he has to look away, "But he has much to do before that."
He stares at her, at her eyes, not seeing anything. Maybe that´s the key. To be near death before you can see a Shamer in the eyes without shame. It doesn´t sound right to him.
Her words linger in the air between them before he realize what she is saying. He gives her a nod and tries to sit up, only to nearly black out as a stab of pain runs through him.
"What do you need?"
"Paper," he whispers through clenched teeth. Melussina nods and disappears. Dina holds his hand until she returns and then leaves the chair to her mother.
"Please write this down," he says and Melussina nods, dipping a pen into a small inkpot.
S
Carmian takes the news badly and his heart cries for her. He cares for her, but not like she cares for him. It´s better like this. Better hurt her now and once, but later and again and again. She is strong. He trusts her. Melussina hands over the paper with his name on it. His title, his castle, his city, his people. He gives it all to her, because he knows she will do right. She will lead Dunark into a better future. Better that he can ever give it.
Playing the role of dying Nicodemus isn´t hard. The longer he stays awake the more pain he feels and the more trouble he has breathing. It hurts him to see her distress, to see Dina cry and Davin stand before him, pale as a sheet. But it must be done. They will understand.
Melussina leads them out, saying he needs rest. They all leave but Rosa, Dina and her mother. They change his bandages and dress him as well they can without bringing him too much pain. He is going to die now. Nicodemus Raven is breathing his last breath in a few hours.
It´s a scary thought. And he has never been to brave.
S
He finally knows why he can smell dragon blood. Drakan is lying in a bed near him. His dead body protected from vengeful parents and children driven by grief.
Melussina makes plans. She tells the girls what to do and they pack. Melussina sits down beside him, her face serious.
"If Nico must live, he can´t stay here. You must go somewhere they don´t know you," he nods, agreeing. But he can´t right now. She tells him he is to stay with them until he is well enough to travel to a faraway place. Dina hears this and drops the clay bowl she has in her hands. She cries and clings to his hand, saying she don´t want him to go. He can only stroke her hair.
He doesn´t want to go, but he has to. Only somewhere where his face is unknown can he be safe and free. He wants to be free.
Time has come. Melussina says Nicodemus is dead and Dina and Melussina leave to tell them of his passing. He is dead. He is free.
S
But there is the matter of his funeral. He tells them to bury Drakan in his name. Rosa looks disgusted but Nico has made up his mind. Maybe his lost brother can find some peace by being buried under the Ravens name. To be a part of the family he always longed for. Yes, that´s the right thing to do.
They dress Drakan in his armor and lay his sword and shield on his body. They give him his helmet and Drakans face is hidden enough, so if only no one looks too closely, he can be Nicodemus for a day and rest of eternity.
He asks to see Drakan before they take him outside. Dina and Rosa help him sit down in a chair beside Drakans bed. He looks down at the pale face. Now smooth and still. The blood has been washed away, the black hair even darker in death than life. Nico takes his brother´s hand. He has no family left. He is alone. He remembers the nights in the dungeon, covered in blood, believing he had killed his father and Adela. And little Bian. He hadn´t killed anyone.
He has now.
"I´m sorry, brother," he says "Not for your death but for your life. I wish it could have been different."
He lets go of Drakans hand and they take him away.
They tell him the funeral is quite beautiful.
S
Davin is furious at him, at all of them. But the road home is long and he eventually forgives him. They even laugh along the way, even though it hurts. It takes many days, but finally they are home.
Master Maunus hugs him so tight he nearly blacks out from the pain. But the old man doesn´t apologize. Instead he curses him and calls him dumb and a fool and every other name in the book. He fumes like one of the dragons and refuses to speak to him for days. Nico let him run out his feeling. He can´t blame him for his anger. But after a few days they talk again and it feels strangely like coming home. Like the time he carried Dina out from the dragon pit and ran to Master Maunus´ house.
Weeks pass and slowly Nico grows stronger. So many things happen around him. The Tonerres family seems to grow lighthearted as one happy occasion happens after another. Melusinna and Callan marries in the early spring and could soon announce a child is on the way.
Rikert blacksmith has settled down but is no longer alone. The news that he is Melli and Davins father didn´t come as such a big shock to Nico. Normal rules for families' don't apply to this family. Here it is only about love and kindness. And Nico is drifting along in it.
But summer comes and his wound is now just an angry red scar, which doesn't pain him daily anymore. Only when he tries to lift something too heavy or if a nightmare wakes him in the dead of the night.
The fights with Master Maunus begin again, but the fire is no longer in the old man's eyes. He insisted Nico should wait until next spring. A travel so close to winter is dangerous. But Nico has made his decision. He knows his old teacher doesn't want him to leave, but he has to. It was the deal. Nico can´t stay here.
S
The day came all too quickly.
He had borrowed the brown mare from Dina, and the horse was now packed for a long trip. She stood beside Falk, packed with Davins blankets and saddlebags. Davin had insistent of joining Nico, at least until he reached the coast. Melussina had after several minutes of silence, reluctantly given her permission. Her son was no longer a boy after all.
They all gathers at Master Maunus´ house in the early morning hours, surrounded by light fog.
He turns to Rikert and Callan first, saying goodbye to them. They clap him hard on the shoulder and wish him luck. Melli jumps him with a shriek and wraps her arms around his neck so tightly he can barely breathe. But he lets her do it. He has never been able to deny her anything.
Rosa hugs him tightly. He thanks her for saving his life so many times and kisses her cheek. She cries and hits him on the arm. It actually hurts and he hugs her again before she walks over to Davin and cries into his arms.
Melussina gives him a very motherly hug – it's a difficult since her stomach has grown quite a bit - and kisses him on the forehead. He feels his eyes grow misty but he keeps it at bay. He thanks her for everything. For saving his life, for sacrificing so much for him, for letting him die and by that live. She smiles at him and then says something that takes his breath away.
"You can´t travel with only one name, Nico," she says and smiles "and since you´re no longer a Raven, please accept Tonerre as your last name."
He stares at her, his mouth open. He doesn´t know he is crying until she pulls him into a tight embrace and he clings to her shoulders, shaking as he sobs.
Tonerre. He is a Tonerre. He can barely believe it. She whispers in his ear. "You are family Nico; you are just as much my son as Davin is." And all he can say is thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.
She kisses his forehead again and he steps away from her with a chest much lighter and a name much longer. Callan comes and puts his arms around her, hugging her against his chest. He nods at Nico with a smile.
Master Maunus hugs him the longest. He doesn´t say anything. He just holds on tight and when he finally lets go, he places a hand on Nico´s cheek. "Be careful, son." He says and tears spill again.
Last is Dina. She has grown so much. She almost reaches past his shoulders now and he smiles at the memory of the little girl stepping into his cell. A little girl forcing grown men to get water so he could wash. A little girl who faced a dragon. A little girl who saved his life.
She isn´t looking at him. Instead her eyes a glued to her shoes and her clenched hands are trembling slightly. He carefully places his hand on her arm.
"I´m going to miss you so much." She whispers and he pulls her into his arms.
"Not as much as I will miss you, Dina. But maybe this won´t be forever. Maybe one day when everyone has forgotten about me, I can return."
"I hope so. I really do."
"Me too." He pulls back enough so he can place his forehead against hers, "Dina, you´re the most incredible girl I have ever met. You are strong and kind and more stubborn than a mule." This makes her laugh a little, "And I know we will meet again. I´m a part of this family now," he looks at Melusinna who nods, "and if there is anything I know for sure, it´s that the Tonerres do not separate easily." She hugs him again and as they pull apart, she kisses him on the cheek.
As he gets ready to mount the horse, he looks at them all. Holding on to each other with tears in their eyes, and he suddenly feels happier than he ever though he could be. He has people who love him. He has a mother now, and a father. He has a family.
Davin is already sitting astride on Falk. Nico mounts and takes a last look at them all. Dina and Rosa are holding on to each other. Melli is crying into the shoulder of Melussina, who´s also crying with Callans arm around her. Master Maunus is beside Rikert, red eyed and wiping his nose in his sleeve. He gives them a wave of goodbye and then kicks the horse, sending the mare into a fast pace.
He lets her run, eager to get away. Davin is fast and soon reaches his side, and they ride in silence.
S
Two weeks pass until they reach the coast. They manage to find a ship, The Grey Fox, whose captain is willing to let Nico join them on their voyage to the west, without asking too many questions.
Nico stands on the dock, drawing out time as the ship prepares to leave.
"This is it, then?" asks Davin and scratches the back of his head.
"I guess it is." Says Nico and kicks a small stone.
They are both idiots, they know that, and had Dina or Rosa been here, they would gladly tell them so. There is a call from the ship and Nico, knowing his time is running out, says hell to it all, and pulls Davin into a hug, Davin don´t hug. Not really. But he wraps his arms around Nico.
They stand like that for a few seconds.
"I´ll miss you, you know." Davin says.
"I know."
They let go and grins at each other, both a little embarrassed.
"Well, goodbye Mesire Tonerre." Nico says and holds out his hand. Davin takes it.
"Goodbye, Nico Tonerre."
He stands by the rail as they release the sail and looks down at Davin.
"Be careful on your way home." he yells.
"I will," Davin yells back, "you be careful too. Goodbye brother."
He doesn´t have time to answer as the captain blows in his horn and the men lets the ship move. He stands still and watch the dock until it disappears and Davin is no more.
The Grey Fox is sailing west. And Nico Tonerre is with it.
A/N
This is my first Shamer fic and there is many more to come. I have always loved the Shamer Chronicles, but it was only after seeing the musicals that I was hit by the need to write. So there we go^^