Kick-Ass: Experimental Solution

by Scott Tettamble

I'm not making any money of of this, and I just wanted to tell a story I thought was cool. Please don't sue me.

It was beginning to drizzle when Hit Girl and Kick Ass heard the shriek of a man who has just looked death in the eyes. Bolting down the alley, they came skidding to a stop when Kick Ass nearly tripped over the body of a man who lay in a pool of his own blood.

"Check him," whispered Hit Girl, drawing her pistol and letting her gaze roam over the rest of the alley.

Kick Ass rolled the body over, and as he got a look at the remains of the man's head, he promptly threw up. Hit Girl turned to tease him.

"Geez, dude! Would you grow a pair already? You've seen-..."

As it occurred to her what she was seeing, her voice dropped to a whisper again.

"Dave? Where the hell is his face?"

Dave, alias Kick Ass, was taking deep breaths to calm himself.

"I think it's over by the dumpster, but I am not going over there to look for it. You want to find it? You're on your own."

Gulping thickly, Hit Girl shook her head.

"Nope. I'm good. Let's get back to the safe house."

As the two heroes turned to leave, a sound above them had them both turning with weapons in hand. Standing there on the fire escape above them was a man in a cloak made from a length of canvas. It was olive drab with dark stains on it, and covered him completely. The sound that had attracted their attention came from him again; a strange kind of hiss that put the back hairs up on both heroes.

Dave decided to do the macho thing, and barked in his best hero voice "Who are you? Did you see who did this?"

The figure in the cloak nodded, and motioned for them to follow him. He climbed up the fire escape towards the roof, and turned watch them once he had reached the top. As they followed him, he led them on to a shack on another rooftop. As they followed him in, they saw it was a fairly well equipped shack. A nest-like bed of pillows and cushions, a small refrigerator, a blender, a microwave, three different laptops, each running a different program, and a police band radio playing quietly. There was also a small bathroom sink, and a camping toilet.

Sitting down in front of the computers, the cloaked figure pulled the material away from his hands to type, revealing that he had drying blood on his fingers. He minimized the primary window, which appeared to be a search of some kind, and pulled up a word processing program. Once that was done, he typed out a few sentences, and then motioned for the two heroes to look at the screen.

I've seen you guys around. I thought I'd lend a hand tonight. The man I killed was a sniper. The mugging you stopped was a trap.

Hit Girl read the message, and cut loose with a round of vile cursing. Kick Ass sighed, and said "I bet I know who sent him, and his name rhymes with Red Mist." Hit Girl snarled, and growled "That mother fucker needs to die, and I mean like yesterday!"

Turning to the cloaked figure, Kick Ass asked "Who are you, anyway?"

The hood of the cloak tilted to the side, as if in thought, and he typed out I'm not really sure. I think I was human once, but I can't be certain.

Hit Girl and Kick Ass glanced at each other, and then stared at the cloaked figure. Dave cleared his throat, and asked "Um, if you're not human now, what are you?"

The cloaked figure typed out I'm what happens when you give a crazed geneticist lots of comic books, lots of free time, and government funding, and then removed the cloak.

Standing up to his full height, the creature was at least six feet, six inches tall, with facial features that seemed to blend those of a spider with those of a man, with short pedipalpi on each side of his jaw. He had four arms, all human like and all covered in blood up to the wrists. He wore an army flak vest that had been modified for the extra arms, and a pair of BDU pants. On both the harness and web belt were what appeared to be grenades made from beer and soda cans. Those caught Hit Girl's attention.

"Dude! You make your own grenades? Fucking cool!"

Kick Ass, as creeped out as he was from looking into the larger set of solid black eyes, rolled his own eyes heavenward. The creature leaned over to type again.

You two are taking this pretty well, considering the reaction I usually get is a lot of screaming.

Dave thought that over for a moment, and replied "I have to say, having done hero work for a while now, this doesn't surprise me as much as it probably should. We've actually been hearing stories about some kind of facility, and disappearing homeless people. That's something we were planning to check on tonight, actually."

Swallowing thickly, Dave asked "Uh, just out of morbid curiosity, what the heck did you do to that guy's face?"

The creature's head tilted to the side, as if amused by the question. He typed I have retractable climbing claws in my fingertips, and I can bench press a car. What do you think I did to his face? Besides, he was aiming for the girl. I'm guessing he recognized that she was the greater threat, and meant to take her down first.

Dave's eyes narrowed, his expression an angry one. Hit Girl, on the other hand, looked a little sheepish. She scratched the back of her neck, and said "Uh, yeah. About that? Thanks. I guess we owe you one."

No. Your enemy is also my enemy. That boy is causing problems for the people I care about, and I mean to end that. The problem is that I have no idea where he is basing himself. The building his father owned has stood empty and abandoned ever since that incident a year ago with the death of his mother. If we can put an end to him, my loved ones' problem will pretty much disappear with him.

Kick Ass looked confused, and asked "What's he doing that causing problems?"

The creature gave a hiss that gave new meaning to the word hostile, and typed He's leaning on the owner of this building, trying to get her to sell it for a tenth of what it's worth. If he gets his way, a lot of good people will lose their homes. Not to mention that the woman who owns the building is my mother-in-law.

Both the heroes stared at him, which caused the creature to hiss with laughter.

My wife, Krisha, and my mother-in-law, Kamala, are Hindu. I saved them both from a local gang, and Kamala decided that I was touched by the divine. Apparently I resemble one of their gods. Kamala decided to arrange a marriage between myself and Krisha, and my opinion was neither needed nor wanted on the subject. Next thing I know, I have a wife. A very beautiful wife, I might add.

Kick Ass was blinking in amazement. Shaking it off, he said "Let's table that for now. I think the priority here is Red Mist. We need to track him down, and take him out." Something occurred to him, and he added "How come you haven't nailed him yourself? You obviously have the abilities to get him."

Because I've been busy taking out the assassins he's been sending after you. That sniper was simply one of about nine guys that he's sent after you. Two of them had tracked you back to your safe house, and one of them was waiting for you in your house, Dave. Your father almost walked in on me killing the bastard. I killed two more in Mindy's bathroom. Young lady, you do NOT want to know what they had planned for you.

The two were staring at him again, this time in a kind of sick horror. The next sentence on the screen did not help them feel any better.

He knows who you are.

Hit Girl closed her eyes.

"ShitshitshitshitSHITSHIIIIT!"

Nudging Kick Ass to get his attention, the creature typed Has she always been this foul mouthed?

"Pretty much. Good fighter, though."

The creature seemed to be ready to ask something else, but was interrupted by a very lovely Hindu woman wearing a blue sari opening the door to the shack.

"Tarak, are you-... Oh! Forgive me, please. I did not realize that my husband was having guests here."

The creature, or Tarak, clapped his hands lightly to get Krisha attention, and then tapped his throat gently. Understanding what he wanted, she smiled, nodded, and left. She returned moments later with a strange looking collar. Placing the collar around his neck, Tarak clicked the small switch on the side, and spoke in a slightly mechanical sounding voice.

"Thank you, love. May I introduce to you the hero Kick Ass and his partner Hit Girl."

Krisha nodded once at the pair, and went to stand beside her husband. Dave and Mindy looked at each other, then at Krisha, and then at Tarak. Tarak made a strange hissing sound, which Dave realized was laughter.

"I don't have to guess at what you two are thinking! You can relax. While she may not put on a costume, Krisha is very much my partner in crime fighting. She is a very creative tactician, and I value her input."

"Actually, I was wondering how she could stand to look at you, 'cause the whole spider thing is really creeping me out," replied Hit Girl, who never was much for tact.

Again, they heard Tarak hiss with laughter, although Krisha looked moderately annoyed.

"Let's just say I have other attributes, and leave it at that, young lady."

Dave watched Mindy's reaction, and was surprised to see her actually blushing.

"You know, we should probably go," he said nervously. "We need to process all this, and talk things out. Is there a way to contact you?"

Tarak sighed, and answered "If you're still alive in two days time, I'll find you. As it stands, you now know what to expect when you go home. Be careful, you two. I can't spend all my time watching over you. I have duties of my own to perform."

The two heroes nodded, and left the shack.