*Spoiler Warning!* This work of fan-fiction contains spoilers for all three Mass Effect games, including the ending of the trilogy.
Author's Note:
"Embers" is a post-game Mass Effect 3 story focusing on Tali'Zorah following Shepard's death after activating the Crucible. A number of scenes involve flashbacks or Tali reflecting upon her interactions with Shepard throughout the past 3 years.
Additional Details:
Written assuming Shepard was essentially pure Paragon, and chose "Synthesis" at the end. Other notable choices made include: destroyed Maelon's data, worked the crowd during Tali's loyalty mission in ME2 ("Treason")
I just played through the entire Mass Effect series for the first time this past month, and absolutely fell in love with it! The entire thing is beyond amazing. Even the ending, which garnered much controversy and hate, I found myself deeply satisfied with- Except for one thing. Tali (my chosen Love Interest, and in my opinion, of course, the best LI) didn't get a happy ending... so how do I fix that? Write my own!
Part of a larger project of intertwining stories and perspectives I'm working on. Still a work in progress, so unfortunately I've skipped some minor scenes during the initial writing process to get to the things I needed to write right away. I'll be adding in anything I've skipped (along with additional portions from other perspectives) as I go along.
Feel free to leave comments about what you liked or didn't like in the story, I'm always open to feedback. :)
Hope you enjoy it!
MASS EFFECT 3: Embers
Loss was not an unfamiliar feeling for Tali.
Not anymore. It was altogether unavoidable in a war with a force like the Reapers. Worse yet when you were at the forefront.
Mordin. Thane. Legion.
Her own father.
A memorial stood on the Normandy's Crew deck, commemorating those lost during the past three years.
Yet, it all seemed trivial by comparison. Nothing could have prepared her for this. As if every isolated bit of pain she'd felt over the course of her years had all compiled and sharpened into this single point: a serrated knife, driving deep and twisting. Carving out everything Tali had held dear for so long.
Now, standing amongst the remaining crew of the ship they'd shared for what felt like a lifetime, Tali'Zorah vas Normandy held a plaque engraved with the name of this pain. Her greatest loss. The piece - the entirety of her, which she'd opened up and reached out with - only for it to be stolen from her by the war.
Shepard.
It was one time she was absolutely grateful to be sheltered by her suit.
A welcome solitude, the remoteness helping her hide away her torture.
With no small effort, it was all she could do not to break down then and there. It was all she'd been able to do since leaving Earth. Tali felt an endless hollowness had spread within her, threatening to consume her the moment she presented an opportunity. But Tali had never been one to surrender. She had to keep strong. For the crew. For herself.
They had all suffered loss, of course: even apart from Shepard, who had meant so much to all of them. Garrus and Liara had practically lost their entire homeworlds to the Reapers. Palaven and Thessia gone. While Tali and her people had been given theirs back. Most of the ship's crew was human, and Earth was now a mere shadow of what it once had been. Innumerable dead of all races. Countless loved ones perished. An endless list of sacrifices, lives given up for the sake of the galaxy as a whole. Including a score of those who had served aboard the ship.
It seemed juvenile to be so crushed over losing one person. If Shepard even qualified as 'just one person'; he'd been so much more than that, to a number of people all over the galaxy.
Although for none more than Tali'Zorah vas Normandy.
Slowly, at first, Tali stepped forward with the plaque. The cenotaph loomed before her. Smooth stone with columns of plaques on either side of the Alliance emblem. Those plaques bore the names of crew who had served aboard the Normandy. Those whom hadn't been fortunate enough to be standing with them today.
What Tali now held was no different from the twenty or so others. A simple tile quietly stating, "Commander Shepard." - plain perhaps, but adequate: One more memory for the wall. One more story. One more hero lost. Possibly the greatest hero the galaxy had ever known. Would ever know.
She went to lift it, the thin metal object suddenly feeling much, much heavier.
How did all of this happen? After everything they'd all been through…
Pressing the plaque to the wall, Tali slid it into place, in the middle of the memorial wall, beneath the embossed Alliance symbol. There, she held it momentarily, thoughtfully, while allowing the adhesive to take effect. Running her gloved fingers over it one more time, there was the dim feeling of the engraved letters pass by underneath. Tali wished she could leave her the entirety of her anguish up on this wall with it. Commander Shepard had always been brave, unwavering. He wouldn't want to see her feeling this way…
He would want her to believe that everything would be okay. Wouldn't he?
Shepard had mentioned before how Tali spent too much time thinking about others, and not enough about herself. But as a quarian, thinking about everyone else was everything. It was life. Maybe that was why she refused to go easy on herself now.
With a steadying breath, Tali turned back to the gathered crew. Her head hung, she stepped back into place. All were silent; their condolences communicated solely through the pain in each person's eyes. Catching a glimpse of EDI, Tali noticed the grief upon the now-living AI's face. She turned, gathering EDI into a comforting hold.
"I am sorry, Tali'Zorah. I can only imagine how you must feel. I owe Shepard everything… Thanks to him, I am alive. Moreso than I would have thought possible. And I am not alone. Neither are you. We are all here for you."
"Thank you, EDI. But I am alright. We've all been through a lot."
"Readings indicate otherwise, Tali-" Joker placed a hand on EDI's arm, interrupting. With what looked like the tiniest shake of his head, he added, "It's okay, Tali. You might've only been there half the time, what with you becoming an Admiral and all… but you have just as much claim to feel down right now as any of us. EDI's right. The crew's here for you."
A mixture of surprise and a fresh wave of grief washed over Tali. Of course Joker was trying to lighten up the situation, but Tali wasn't quite expecting such sympathy. She hesitated, unsure of what to say.
"I…" Words failed her. "Thanks."
It was a chink in her armour. Tali felt her resolve starting to break down. Everyone here, despite their losses, despite the hardships, despite everything. They were a team. Even in this, they were together. The lapse was momentary, and Tali quickly re-steadied herself.
It wasn't that she thought they wouldn't understand, or that she was self-centered. Almost the opposite: she'd come so far in the past three years. Gained so much more than she'd lost. How many people here could say the same? Still, they were reaching out. Trying to help her. Understanding. When Tali felt she deserved it the least.
A delicate warmth edged inwards, loosening the tightness in her chest. Tali presented a slight smile - something of an unnecessary gesture, with her helmet on; however, it was more for her own sake than anything. You can do this, Tali.
"Thank you. All of you. I know that we've all seen more than our fill of this wretched war. We've all endured so much," Sovereign, the Collectors, war with the Reapers. 'Endured' felt like an understatement, "So much has been lost... but I know none of us will forget the sacrifices that made it all possible. No matter how far we move forward."
Tali looked over each of them in turn. The soothing warmth she felt from them was growing, but coexisted with rather than replacing the sorrow she felt. Still, it was comforting. A comfort she could definitely use at the moment.
As the crew dissipated following the brief memorial, Tali found herself lingering. She stood a few paces from the wall, gazing intently at that final name upon it.
Someone shifted their weight behind her.
"You know, I've never met anyone quite like Shepard. Damn good Commander. Hell of a hero." It was Garrus.
"Me neither, Garrus." She couldn't bring herself to say any more. As she continued to stare at the engraved plaque, Garrus stepped up beside her.
"The galaxy won't be the same with him gone. We all know it. But that's not to say it's all bad: just look at everything he's given us."
Tali looked up at the turian. His face was as much a mask as hers. Probably didn't feel much better than she did, either. Garrus had been the only other member of their crew who'd been with Shepard since the beginning. The scar on his face only the barest glimpse into everything he'd suffered through the past three years.
Which, she felt, made him a perfect example of why Tali had no right to wallow in misery.
"How do you do it? I see his name up on this wall and all I can think about is how I wish it didn't have to be this way. I'm not weak, Garrus, but this is almost too much. I love him."
"Underneath this tough exterior, I feel it too, Tali. But I can't afford to let it show. The scar helps with that." A slight smirk crossed his face, and Garrus put a hand on Tali's shoulder. "I know you're thinking the same thing. Shepard would want us to keep moving forward. He did this for us. All of this: three years of fighting against everything wrong with the galaxy. Then bringing it all back together. He's nothing short of a miracle worker. With him gone, it falls to us to fill in that gap. It won't be easy, but after the Reapers, I don't see anything stopping us anytime soon."
"Thanks, Garrus. You're right, and I'm sorry. We've both watched him stand strong against everything the galaxy threw at us for so long. We've always backed him. Now that he's gone, I'm acting childish; so caught up in everything that I don't know what comes next."
"Whatever you do, just stay away from that turian brandy. I doubt any of us could handle a raging drunk quarian in our current state." What passed for the turian equivalent of a smirk was back. Tali appreciated his making light. She glared at him through her mask.
"I still have a shotgun, Garrus Vakarian."
Garrus quickly raised his hands in surrender, giving a quick laugh. "My point exactly."
Tali couldn't help but laugh. Talking to Garrus was helping her forget, if only momentarily. He was almost like an older brother to her now. "You're just worried that if we're attacked, you won't have anyone to cover your backside. A sniper isn't much use in close quarters."
What passed for a Turian smile crossed his face. "I'm told there are some calibrations that need doing. Take care of yourself, Tali."
"You too, Garrus. And thanks, for everything."
Engineering. Tali's first home away from the Migrant Fleet- and more recently, from Rannoch. In truth, for a long time she had felt more at home here than almost anywhere. It was perfect for her. Surrounded by the powerful hum of the drive core, with control terminals at her fingertips and all the intricacies of the Normandy for her to explore and tinker with. As far as ships go, it was basically a quarian's dream.
But where once the soothing thrum of the engines could help Tali drift off to sleep, now there was a lack. Quiet. She'd come down here hoping to relax: find some solace in the ship's still-impressive design. Instead, her words echoed back to her, from shortly after she first boarded the Normandy.
"I just sort of feel... out of place. The Normandy runs so smooth it feels like we're not even moving. And the engines are so quiet. How do you sleep at night?"
It was something she'd gotten used to, over time. Silence on the Migrant Fleet usually meant danger. On board the Normandy, it become security. The SR-2 wasn't as quiet as the SR-1 had been, but it was special to her. As she looked around the space, she could re-imagine fond memories playing out in front of her.
"What could I possibly be suggesting? I mean, a young woman gets rescued by a dashing commander who lets her join his crew and then goes off to save the galaxy? How could she possibly develop an interest in him?"
Tali never imagined anyone would be able to see past the suit, past the helmet. Let alone her own personal hero. Even when she'd met Shepard, Tali held her feelings for him at arm's length. Stood by as he laid down so much for those around him. Watched as he stood up to the council. As he was faced with leaving a comrade behind on Virmire. As he took down the geth, and stopped Saren.
But she could never be there for him, not really. How could she ask him for that level of closeness, when she wasn't sure she could even offer it? Intimacy meant risking getting sick. It might even have meant death. Those, Tali had always been willing to accept, if it meant being with and being there for Shepard. What she couldn't accept was putting the mission at risk because of what she wanted.
She'd been traveling with Shepard for so long before she found out he was interested, it came to her as a shock. Of course, subtlety wasn't exactly her forte when nervous... so it wasn't surprising the Commander had figured out she was already interested.
"Tali, if you're scared, I don't blame you. But I don't want anyone else. I want you. And I'll do whatever it takes to make this work."
He'd been so willing to make everything work out. Offering to help any way he could. Being patient while Tali researched everything involved. She hadn't trusted anyone enough before to get that close.
That Shepard treated the situation so delicately made opening up to him that much easier. It was exhilarating; although surprising, at first, seeing a battle-hardened soldier - the best solider humanity had to offer - being so sensitive in a relationship.
"If I'm going to be with you, I need it to be real. I need to feel your skin on mine. I've never shown my face to anyone, but I'm ready to show you- if I can do it without dying."
As the memories washed over her, Tali found herself smiling in earnest. That sliver of warmth, still nesting snugly inside her chest, was slowly teasing it's way into the hollowness within. Strangely, remembering all their time together was helping her forget the pain of losing him.
She didn't mind.
Remembrance was the greatest thing she had right now.
"I wish Shepard were here…" Barely a whisper, Tali's throat tightened even as she spoke.
Her fingers playing across the terminal interface a final time, Tali stepped out into the hall, and into the elevator. She paused, considering spending the night in the crew quarters. It wasn't an entirely pleasant thought. Instead, she took the elevator to the top floor of the ship, to the cabin.
Since re-joining the Normandy after becoming an admiral, Tali had spent most of her night's in the captain's cabin. As the war progressed, Shepard of course had taken to getting less and less sleep. This was common for most of the crew; as the tragedies piled on, and the situation became more dire and more difficult to deal with, sleepless nights spread throughout the Normandy.
Some nights, it was simply because rest was a luxury they couldn't afford. Others, it was nightmares. The weight of the entire galaxy bearing down upon each of them. The inescapable Reaper threat. Small miracle any of them could ever sleep.
The doors to the cabin slid open. A familiar comfort greeted Tali as she entered; this had been as close to home as she had ever known-
-Suddenly Tali was back on Earth.
London: the end of the line. The Beam was in sight. Salvation.
What remained of Hammer team dashed towards their only hope of ending the war once and for all. Behind it, a two-kilometer tall pillar of death. A symbolic analogy of oblivion. The Sovereign-class Reaper carved swaths of destruction before it.
Infantry, Mako, gunships. All of them moved with desperation, hoping beyond hope that even one of them might make it to the Beam.
None of them stood a chance.
The Reaper's lasers shot forth, sweeping out into their meager force. Infantry burned on the spot. The gunships caught fire, exploded, crashed into the charred earth. Mako suffered a similar fate: those few lucky to be spared the brunt of a laser strike still being tossed aside by the sheer force behind the Reaper's attacks.
Fifty paces from the Beam, the world came to a halt.
A Mako exploded just in front of Shepard. Tali watched as the Commander narrowly avoided being crushed by the vehicle, sliding under it while airborne. It met the ground with a crash, coming to a halt. Crisis averted.
Until the Reaper shot another Mako into the air, launching it backwards over the first.
Over and past Commander Shepard.
Straight for where Tali was sprinting.
She stopped dead in her tracks, barely maintaining enough momentum to redirect herself into a lunge sideways. The Mako came down on where she had only just been, and exploded. The force of it launched Tali forward, flames licking at her. She met with the ground on her back, knocking the wind out of her.
Everything went black.
As reality seeped back into view, and sound that Tali didn't even know had become muffled steadily became more clear, strangled wisps of incoherent thoughts twisted together in hazy sequences. Somehow she was on all fours, crawling haphazardly to get to safety.
Wherever 'safety' was right now.
Someone was shouting at her, "Tali! Are you okay?" She didn't answer. Couldn't, even if she could manage the words. Truthfully, Tali didn't know if she was okay. Her suit covered in blood - her own blood? - it was impossible to tell if there were any ruptures. A distinct lack of any severe pain told her the blood belonged to someone else. Sore all over, reeling from the explosion, she managed to escape relatively unscathed.
Shepard's luck must have been rubbing off.
Strong hands gripped her arm and side, carefully lifting her to her feet. It was Shepard. Limping, her arm around him for support, Tali followed his lead to shelter behind the first Mako wreckage. She slumped down to rest against it, trying to regain herself.
What was going on? The war couldn't end like this.
Not now.
Shepard was looking her over, making sure she wasn't in any severe danger. Being quarian, the threshold for 'severe' was quite a bit lower than with most races. Tali managed a few reassuring nods. She'd make it. Her vision and hearing were back to normal now, and the pain had subsided.
"Down, but not out," her nod told him.
The Commander initiated contact with the ship, "Normandy, do you copy? I need an evac. Right now!"
Tali wanted to protest. The words escaped her. They were so close! A fresh wave of pain was creeping over her. Maybe it had only been adrenaline numbing the pain after all.
Joker's reply came through her helmet, the sudden sound snapping Tali back into focus, "On our way Commander."
Shepard helped Tali to her feet once again. "Come on," he urged, as the Normandy landed swiftly in the middle of the battlefield. The shuttle bay door opened, with Alliance troopers taking position to provide cover fire. Garrus was on the ramp now, looking to the Commander for direction.
"Here, take her." Tali heard it in Shepard's voice: he wasn't planning on leaving with them. The evac was for her alone.
"Shepard!" Urgency brought strength back with it, fortifying her resolve. Tali still had some fight in her, and she wasn't about to leave Shepard to face this alone.
"You've gotta get out of here!"
"I can't stay behind." Anguish flooded into her. She couldn't let him do this.
"Don't argue with me Tali!" His voice was stern, but not harsh. His eyes looked past her helmet, into her own, and held them. They betrayed his confidence. Shepard was afraid. But not for himself. He knew Tali could take care of herself, but he had to make sure.
"Don't leave me behind." She implored, holding back tears.
"I need you to make it out of here alive, Tali." Shepard stepped forward, bringing one hand up to Tali's mask. She put her own hand against his. "Get back to Rannoch... Build yourself a home."
"I have a home!" It's with you, Tali wanted to plead with him. She knew it would be fruitless. Shepard was going through with this. No matter what. Not because he didn't care; it was exactly the opposite. This was as much for her - if not more - as it was for the rest of the galaxy. "Shepard... Come back to me."
He backed away, their fingers brushing as he withdrew his arm. "I'll always love you, Tali." A few more steps back. He checked over his shoulder. The situation was getting worse. As he noticed Tali still standing there, stricken, arm outstretched in silent, solemn protest, he gestured for her to get inside, to safety. "Go!"
Defeated, helpless to protect him, Tali dropped her arm. There was nothing she could do. With Garrus' help, she retreated back into the Normandy. A silent prayer crossed her lips, hoping against hope that this wouldn't be the last time she and Shepard were together.
As the Normandy took off, Tali had found her way to the observation deck. Medical attention could wait. She dared to steal a glimpse of the barren stretch between where they had left and the Beam, one final time. Almost their entire force had been wiped out. A scarce few Mako and infantry were left making the charge.
Among them, Tali spotted the unmistakable form of Commander Shepard. Running alongside one of the six-wheeled transports. The Reaper struck the vehicle with a blast of energy, and sent it soaring. Shepard lunged to the side to avoid being crushed.
Despair began to replace all of Tali's fear, and pain, and anxiety.
On the ground, exposed, nothing between him and the Reaper but open air, the world came to an end.
That all-too-familiar robotic cry tore through the air.
The cry of a Reaper.
The sound of imminent death.
A laser fired from the synthetic colossus. Swept forward almost in slow-motion.
In a blaze of searing red light, Tali watched in horror as Shepard was consumed by the blast.
Tali fell to her knees. Didn't move for a long while, except for the shuddering brought on by her dread. Paralyzed.
Shepard. Her home, her love - gone. In an instant that lasted forever.
This was war. With the Reapers. Of course death was always a possibility. For everyone. She knew that.
But not for Shepard.
Not for the man who defeated Sovereign, survived a suicide strike on the Collectors, and united the galaxy against the Reapers despite all odds. Somehow, Tali had convinced herself long ago that no matter what happened, Shepard would pull through. He always did.
Except now, he was dead. Gone. And it was her own damn fault. If Shepard hadn't paused for her - hadn't requested evac from the Normandy. If Tali hadn't stalled him further, trying to hold on to what they had... If she'd only been stronger, he might have made it to the Beam.
The rational portion of her brain plaintively suggested that against a Sovereign-class Reaper, the outcome would've been the same regardless. Had they even had a chance? Was it all just another suicide mission, and Shepard had spared her with this very reason in mind?
Shortly after the Normandy fled London, the reports came in: someone had made it onto the Citadel.
It had to be Shepard. Even with the sheer impossibility that Shepard had survived the Reaper blast, Tali continued to believe in him. Tali was convinced. The sad truth was no one else could have made it. Not after what she'd seen. A champion is someone who always gets back up, even when it feels impossible. Commander Shepard was this war's champion. There was a glimmer of hope.
She'd held onto that spark for even longer than she'd knelt, crying.
Shepard was on the Citadel. Hackett had even confirmed it. Tali had no doubt she'd seen him be nearly obliterated by the Reaper. His wounds might have been mortal. But still he pushed on. Once again Commander Shepard got back on his feet, even when he couldn't possibly do anything more. And when the Crucible fired, sending forth it's wave of green-tinged energy, they all knew he'd been successful in his mission.
But at what cost?
So they waited. The Normandy held position. Delaying as long as possible. Joker and EDI continuously running scans. Anything to find a trace of the Commander. He must have made it out alive. Somehow. When they'd waited as long as they could, to no avail, Garrus urged Joker that they had to go.
Shepard was lost to them after all. In the end, he gave his life to save those of everyone in the galaxy.
In the Commander's cabin, Tali shuddered. Her focus returned to the here and now. Tears threatened to escape, and she had to blink them away. Tali slumped onto the bed, and realized she was holding a picture.
Her picture.
A simple display of affection; a massive display of trust. She had never even shown her face to anyone else, and here she'd given the Commander a picture of it. It almost felt silly, but she'd wanted to share everything with him.
But there was something else. An envelope, tucked into the picture's frame, which Tali hadn't noticed in her reverie. Written in Shepard's hand, the envelope stated simply, "Read this on Rannoch. Once you build yourself a home."
A flurry of emotion swept up inside her all at once. Her heart skipped a beat even as it began to sink. She desperately wanted to open the envelope and read what lay inside. To see what Shepard had left for her… And yet? Shepard had already planned for the possibility of him not coming back from London. Had already planned that Tali would see this, despite her being right there alongside him as they fought through the city.
Maybe he hadn't counted on it. After all, he'd only called for the Normandy after Tali was injured by the exploding Mako. But he had accounted for it. Keeping her safe might have been Shepard's plan all along. Maybe it wasn't because of her the Reaper's blast caught him off-guard. Maybe the hero of the galaxy had known that in the end, heroes die. And he wanted to save everyone he could before it came to that.
It was impossible to tell.
Tali'Zorah knew Shepard always kept her in his thoughts, but, for perhaps the first time, she wished the Commander hadn't thought of everything. The little Bosh'tet. With his pleased-with-himself smirk, and all the confidence in the world, without coming off as arrogant and - and what was she thinking? Must be running a fever, Tali figured. She hadn't had any cuts or suit ruptures after escaping London. Maybe from the shock of the explosion?
Still, Tali was willing to bet that's exactly how Shepard would look now, seeing her safe and sound and secure in his bed. And it was a nice bed. Warm, and welcoming, and reminded her so much of him…
"So... I've taken some antibiotics, as well as some herbal supplements that should bolster my immune system." Tali stepped gingerly down the short steps leading to the lower part of the cabin. Shepard beamed at her from next to the table. That only helped make her more nervous. "I was going to bring music," She added, grabbing the datapad Shepard held and placing it on the table. Before she knew it, Tali was drawing him in close and stroking his arm, "but I didn't know what you'd like. And... I'm babbling like an idiot."
"It's okay. Come here." Shepard pulled her smaller form right up to his, caressing her. He felt so warm, even through her enviro-suit. It was a feeling unlike anything she'd felt before. She felt like nothing in the universe could hurt her here. There was nowhere she'd rather be.
"I just don't want to... I want this to work." Tali began, leading Shepard to take a seat on the bed. "I've thought it over. I've minimized the risks, but I'm still nervous and that always makes me talk too much... it's a defense mechanism and it's stupid," Shepard said nothing. He simply sat, smirking as Tali stumbled over her words and emotions. While she was usually so apt at handling both, it wasn't surprising seeing Shepard's amusement with Tali's demeanor now. "And people who... who just see the helmet can't see my expression so I have to make it clear what I'm…" the Commander reached for Tali's mask, "what I'm-" he unfastened it from the rest of her suit. Tali felt a rush of exhilaration, "-feeling."
The word barely escaped her before her bare lips were pressed against his. Tali pushed Shepard to lie back on the bed, climbing on top of him, running a hand along his chest, passion seizing the moment.
The next morning, having spent the night in Shepard's embrace, wanting to postpone the seclusion of her suit for as long as possible, Tali collected her discarded mask from off the floor. She secured it in place as Shepard stirred in the bed next to her. He propped himself up on an elbow, smirking.
"Just so you know…" Tali started, playfully, "I'm running a fever, I have a nasty cough, and my sinuses are filled with something I can't even describe." She glared at him as convincingly as she could - which, apparently, wasn't very convincing. Shepard's smirk only widened into a grin. "And it was totally worth it."
Tali lay back down on the bed next to him, allowing herself to be wrapped in his arms. She could live like this forever.
The Commander's cabin on the Normandy melted away, replaced instead with the harsh, bleak stone walls of their refuge in London. Not far off, Tali could hear Wrex was giving a speech to his fellow krogan. Elsewhere, Garrus, Liara, James and the rest were likely all making their own final preparations. It all came down to this.
"Almost time for the final push. Are you okay?" Tali had approached Shepard before they discussed the plan of attack with Admiral Anderson. She sensed his tension, felt that for once, the galaxy might be weighing down on him. It wasn't something she could blame him for. Anyone else would be crushed.
"I thought id be asking you that question." A faint smile played across his lips. A mixture of being happy to be talking with Tali, and a hint of irony. All these years, as Commander of the Normandy, Shepard was almost always the one starting conversations with his crew.
"Shepard, I backed you when I was just a kid on her pilgrimage… I backed you when the Normandy was a Cerberus ship. Wherever you go, I'm with you." Tali stepped in closer. She took one of Shepard's hands in both of her own; ran a finger along the back of his hand gently, reassuringly, "And you haven't answered my question. Are you okay?"
He visibly paused, considering. Then, "You remember how you felt, when you landed on Rannoch? Now imagine it's not just a story passed down by your people. Imagine you were there just a few months ago." He gazed out of the collapsed wall nearby, with what might have been a pained look. His expression quickly rearranged itself into one of determination. Shepard shifted Tali's hands into either of his own, locking fingers with the quarian.
"And now you're seeing it like this…" Tali offered. She looked out upon the city with him. It had largely been reduced to rubble, some entire city blocks cleared away entirely.
"We need to put it right."
"We will…" Tali raised a hand to Shepard's chin, turning his face towards her, fixing her eyes on his, "Do you remember what we said on Rannoch? Just before you took down that Reaper?"
"You said, 'I love you.'" That smile of his was working it's way back onto the Commander's face.
"And you said 'keelah se'lai'…" A Khelish phrase, the language common to all quarians. Meaning, 'By the Homeworld I hope to see someday'. It had been the perfect response - 'I love you' and more. Words weren't enough to tell Shepard how much that meant to her. All Tali needed was right in front of her. She lowered her head, resting it on Shepard's chest. What she wouldn't give to end this war. " Shepard… I want more time…"
"I know…" He drew her into an embrace, running fingers along her back. "Tali, whatever happens out there…"
"I know." Tali couldn't bear to hear the finality of it. She knew what he was about to say, and she knew he meant it. She wanted to hear it. But she also wanted to believe that they'd be able to exchange those words again someday.
A lifetime of being a quarian on the Migrant Fleet woke Tali with a sudden start.
Something was wrong.
And she almost slept through it.
The Normandy jerked noticeably, solidifying Tali's concerns. Evasive action? The war was over. She brought up the bridge on the intercom, "Joker, what's our situation?"
EDI's reply came back instead, "A hostile ship somehow eluded our detection until moments ago, when they opened fire. Origin unknown."
Faintly, Tali thought she could hear Joker mumbling in the background at the same time. "Oh, Tali, fantastic timing. Great to have you with us right before we're shot out of space."
Eluded detection? The Normandy SR2 was one of the most advanced ships in the galaxy. With the single most advanced stealth system. How could anyone-
Oh.
There were only three groups of people who had a stealth system akin to this one. There was the Normandy, of course; Certain ships on the Migrant Fleet as well, thanks to Tali's contributions upon her brief return; and the ones who re-built the Normandy after the SR1 was destroyed.
"Cerberus." Damn!
"I believe you are correct, Tali'Zorah. No other space-faring forces would risk such actions immediately after the war. However, it is interesting to note that they are shooting to disable the Normandy, not destroy-"
A blast rocked the ship. For a moment, the systems went dark, before everything came back online. They must be firing at the Normandy with some sort of EMP cannon.
Bosh'tets.
"EDI, Joker. It's no use running away. Their ship is as good - if not better than ours. We're in no condition to outrun them. They want to talk? We'll talk."
"That's a great idea Tali! While we're at it, let's just invite the Collectors back on-board and give them the entire crew too! I am not letting my ship fall into Cerberus' dirty paws." As if on cue, another surge from the EMP struck the ship, causing the intercom to sputter little more than static.
The emergency power and life-support kicked in immediately. Only rudimentary engine power, but everything else they'd need to stay alive on board would still work. Looks like they were going with Tali's plan, like it or not. Ashley must have made her way to the bridge, because it was her voice coming through the intercom now.
"Joker, she has a point. Regardless, we have no other options right now. This is the best way for us to bring the fight to them."
"I really doubt they want to stop by for tea and to see how we're feeling. What if they just want to get in close, make it personal before they shoot all our faces off?" Garrus sounded further away than the rest, moving closer. It
"Let them try." Tali was already making her way out of the cabin…
**Cerberus fight. Skipped for the time being.**
"Joker, I need to get to Rannoch."
"Oh, it's about that time again is it? Mission's complete, you run off to do your thing and we'll see you back here the next time the galaxy needs saving?" The Normandy pilot swivelled around in his chair to face her. Tali just stared out the cockpit window, pensive.
"I'm sorry, it's just - I have to get back. I need to build a new home."
Tali descended the steps into their shared cabin.
Keelah. No matter how many times she did this, she didn't think she felt any less nervous. "It's going to take a few more hours for the fleets to mobilize," Shepard looked up from the paper he was holding. "I hate the waiting. I've been… trying to find ways to pass the time."
"Come up with anything good?" The Commander teased, apparently having come up with the same idea. Tali sat with him, resting a hand on his.
"I thought maybe you could use some company tonight?" She did her best to sound suggestive without being too forward. Although he smiled at this, Shepard paused before answering. He spoke with a hint of trouble in his voice, placing aside the letter he had been writing.
"Will you stay here with me? Until the call comes?"
"For as long as you want."
Together, they removed Tali's helmet. Both stood, the movement fluidly leading into a kiss. Navigating blind, the couple found their way to the bed. Shepard met the edge of it first, stumbling backwards onto the mattress, Tali sprawling on top of him.
Laughing, Tali propped herself up somewhat. She noticed Shepard enjoying the view, "I'm inclined to think you're a little over-dressed, Miss vas Normandy."
Always knew the right thing to say, didn't he?
"Mm, and I seem to remember you promising you'd find me someplace louder to sleep." She sat up straight, straddling the Commander. Winking playfully, she began to unfasten her envirosuit with Shepard's help.
Time trickled by, with Tali comfortably drifting off to sleep next to the Commander. Every so often, he would squirm in his sleep, sometimes mumbling to what must have been haunting him. He awoke, covered in sweat. Not just from the time they'd spent together awake, Tali figured. Shepard must have had another nightmare.
Tali reassembled the final pieces of her suit, clasping the mask back in place. "Hey," she offered affectionately. She wished there was something, anything, more she could do to help Shepard in this. She could only imagine the number of things that might haunt the dreams of someone who's seen so much war.
"You okay?" Of course, Shepard's first priority wasn't even what troubled him. Tali crawled back onto the bed towards Shepard as he sat upright. She surveyed his naked upper torso, laid down beside him, with an arm around his waist.
"My system has adapted. No more negative reaction to you anymore. That's how we survive."
"Is it how we survive? Adapting?" He sounded distant. Reassured, yet distracted.
"To a cold, or inter-species contact? Yes. To the Reapers? No." Tali replied matter-of-factly. She continued, encouragingly, "You're doing the right thing. You've assembled the largest military force in history. Nobody could have done more, Shepard."
He gazed into Tali's eyes, not even seeing the mask between them."We've lost so much already. Sometimes I…"
Sensing his hesitation, Tali spoke up before Shepard could finish the thought, "You don't know if what'll be left was worth the fight. I know. And when I feel that way, I reach for you." A ghost of sadness crossed Shepard's face. He extended a hand, stroking the side of Tali's mask.
"Thanks, Tali." He managed, sincere appreciation on his voice.
"Whenever you need me. You gave me back my world, Shepard. I'll do whatever it takes to give you back yours."
It was still breathtaking.
The "Walled Garden" - Rannoch.
Just a few months ago, Tali never would have thought it possible.
A world to call her own. A world for all quarians to call their own. Serene, almost surreal. An image of the beauty and peace her people had yearned and strove and died for in the past 300 years. After everything, it was theirs once more.
She would be Tali'Zorah vas Rannoch now.
Thanks to Shepard.
Just a few years ago, Tali never would have thought any of this was possible.
Everything changed when Shepard had rescued her from Fist's thugs back on the Citadel. As if that hadn't been enough, Shepard provided her with information on the geth that let her complete her pilgrimage. And then, after two years spent thinking the Commander was dead, Tali stumbled into his path again. It was because of him she'd been spared exile from the Migrant Fleet, fighting for her before the Conclave. He'd done so much already; then he took back the quarian homeworld.
Tali couldn't help but give a short laugh.
Her own Knight in Shining Armor.
It was at this very spot, not long ago, Tali had stood contemplating the landscape. Not even the ruined husk of the destroyed Reaper could take away from the magnificence of being able to take in Rannoch. Shepard had come to join in her reverie.
"Shopping for another house?"
"Beachfront property," Tali's voice itself was beaming. Despite the war, despite everything, here it was: happiness. She lowered herself to sit on the ground, easing into a comfortable position. She welcomed the Commander to sit next to her.
"Claim it fast. It's a buyer's market." Shepard smiled at her, sharing the moment. But he could tell there was something else on Tali's mind, too. "You okay? I know working with the geth will be difficult."
"I'm not staying." She replied, turning her head to face him, "I'm coming with you."
Shepard was hesitant, almost cautious, "I wasn't going to ask."
The response caught Tali off-guard, what? "Why not?"
"Because I respect you, damn it!" The Commander looked solemn, yet determined. As if he felt guilty removing Tali from the world they had just fought so hard to win back. With a pained undertone reaching his voice, Shepard added, "You think I don't want you to come with me?"
"So ask me!" Tali encouraged him.
"Tali, I can't…"
"I don't know how much time we have left. I don't know if we can beat the Reapers. But whatever happens, I want to be with you." Tali saw this bring Shepard's warm smile back to his face, easing his features. He'd already known how she felt, but with everything that was going on at once, she was sure it meant a lot to hear it out loud.
"I bet you say that to every guy who gets you a homeworld," Shepard teased.
"Only the cute ones." Tali winked playfully at him. Keelah, how she wished they had more time. How she wished this could last forever. How she'd love to get lost in this moment.
"You know I'd understand if you needed to stay." He said, placing a hand on her shoulder. Tali knew he meant it; she also knew what he was really saying: I want you to be happy. I can't ask you to follow me headlong into danger anymore.
"I know… But…" Tali began, solemn, "I look at all this… this picture of hope and peace. And all I see is everyone I've lost. My team on Haestrom. My father. Even Legion." A quiet, self-mocking laugh escaped as she thought of the irony. "I'm mourning a geth. How crazy is that?"
"It's not crazy at all."
Tali smiled, rising to her feet as the Commander did the same. Sighing with contentment, she looked out to the horizon. "It is beautiful, though, isn't it?"
Shepard was looking instead at Tali, appreciating her in the slowly fading light. He closed the gap between them, taking her hand in his. "Yeah. It is."
She could hear his words again as she knelt this time, alone, incomplete.
Tali removed her mask, breathing in Rannoch. Hoping to find some comfort in the action; she found none. Hoping to feel at home; she felt lost.
"You've heard me say, 'Keelah se'lai'? The best translation I can come up with is, 'By the homeworld I hope to see someday.'"
"Looks like you're seeing it today."
The warmth that had slowly been gathering inside her as she came to terms with all that had happened had all but vanished. In it's place she felt only longing. Here she had her entire homeworld before her; the very spot she and Shepard had begun planning their future together.
"The living room window will be right… here."
"Something I should know?"
"I just claimed the land. I know it doesn't mean much, but when this is over… We'll have a home."
Pleasant memories danced in her mind, the scenes playing out before her, but where once she found solace, now she found only vulnerability.
Shepard was gone. And a piece of her had died with him.
Tali became increasingly aware of a lump growing in her throat.
The loss she had felt up until now had been easy to compartmentalize and do away with, because there was always something that needed doing.
Now?
The war was over. Rannoch reclaimed. And here she was. Now she needed to rebuild. She needed to accept. She needed to be strong.
But what she found herself really needing was Shepard.
They'd won the war. Didn't that mean that everything was worth it?
Garrus' words reached out to her, "If just one survivor is left standing at the end of a war, then the fight was worth it."
Tali, somehow, didn't feel that way.
After spending the entirety of her life with the concerns of the Migrant Fleet at the forefront of her mind, Tali wanted to let herself be selfish. To cry until she had nothing left, because what she'd wanted for herself more than anything - more than Rannoch! - was something she could no longer even consider. That selfish part of her wanted to keep fighting, to bring him back. It had already been done, once, hadn't it?
Except they already searched the whole of the Citadel and the Crucible, Tali reminded herself. Nothing left.
Or, almost nothing.
She remembered the letter that had been waiting for her in Shepard's cabin, and it found it's way back to Tali' hands in a heartbeat. Clutching the paper to her chest, Tali steadied herself to open it. Shakily, she unfolded the letter, absorbing it's contents.
"Tali'Zorah vas Rannoch,
I can't tell you how much I wish I could be standing there with you. By your side, now and forever. Sharing your new world, your new life.
For a long time, I had doubts about why we were fighting this war. If it would be worth it after all. Not everything I've done is something to be proud of. I know that; but I also know that if I had to go back, I'd do it all again. For you. Giving you a future and a home has been the one thing keeping me going more than anything else.
You've given me the strength to go on. I wish I could be there for you now, just as you always have been for me.
Don't lose hope. Never surrender.
I love you, Tali.
- Shepard"
Faintly, she felt a stinging at the corners of her eyes, but paid it no mind.
She couldn't do it. Every shattered piece of her was wholeheartedly willing to commit to believing she would see Shepard again. But she couldn't let herself abandon her people. The quarian people needed her, and she knew it.
It wasn't a matter of saving what was left of Shepard. The Citadel and the Crucible had been scoured. No signs of him anywhere. Wanting so badly to look for him made Tali feel childish and foolish.
Childish? Foolish? A child might be upset if they stubbed their toe, or they didn't get their way. This was beyond that. This was Tali's universe stripped from her. Her heart had been crushed; embers left to fade into ash. In its place stood devastation. Desperation.
Fear.
She'd been fighting for so long, against her inner struggles and the more immediate war for the galaxy. Tali couldn't keep up the mask anymore. Couldn't fight back. She'd helped save the galaxy from extinction, but was losing the battle against herself. Hope was now a far-off memory, drowning in misery.
Unable or unwilling to stifle the swell of sorrow, Tali finally let herself succumb to the lack. The emptiness rose to engulf the light she'd been struggling to hold on to; and this time Tali resigned herself to it.
Something of what little remained inside her broke apart. The pieces swept away in the current of feeling: despair, longing, sorrow, pain. Love. All of this took shape in a single tear. A droplet of emotion, escaping, fell from her sunken head, eagerly greeting the ground beneath her. A herald of the coming downpour.
Why?
Another tear followed. No less filled to the brim with everything Tali had held onto. Tali herself felt filled to bursting: an emptiness that somehow consumed the light within her. Everything that had gone into holding back now contributed to letting it out.
Powerless, she wept.
Loss was not an unfamiliar feeling for Tali.
But this was so much more than that.
This was the death of a star; the universe collapsing in on itself; the final, fatal realization that the single person she had ever held most dear - the only person she had trusted enough to share every bit as much of herself with as was possible - was lost to her. Forever.
Why, Shepard?
Fresh tears washed over her. Tali's small, fragile frame was shaking now. She pounded a fist against the ground, uselessly. After everything, she was still that scared little quarian girl Shepard needed to save back on the Citadel. Tali had been awestruck since the moment she met him; now she was merely struck down. Diminished.
Tali grabbed hold of her elbows as if hugging herself. The thought of his embrace… their bodies entwined, at peace, lying as one on the bed of his cabin after escaping Omega-4 Relay… the feel of his skin against hers… the shelter of being held by him, and the tenderness of being able to hold him…
Droplets of her emotions were forming quicker now. Tali's resolve to stay strong long past wavering; she couldn't hold back. She could barely form coherent strings of thought. It was all a crescendo, a clash, sensitive heart and analytical mind a maelstrom within her.
No focus, no restraint. No hope.
Pure, unadulterated bereavement.
The tears wouldn't stop. Tali didn't think she wanted them to anymore. There was relief in this, somewhere. Being able to admit just how much Shepard had meant to her. No one had to hear it; quiet acquiescence to herself.
While he was alive, it was enough to let the Commander himself know. Spending nights with him in his cabin. Surprising him with a picture of her face in his cabin. Kissing him passionately, or whispering 'I love you' in his ear. Letting him inside her suit, her armor. Being there for him, no matter what. And he had reciprocated in return.
With his death, that was all something Tali had felt she needed to do away with. For everyone else's sake. They had all their own losses to cope with; what was one man?
Trying to hide it had only made it worse.
So Tali'Zorah cried.
The galaxy would move on, of course. It would remember Shepard's sacrifice and perhaps commemorate him. He'd practically already been a living legend. In time, Tali might move on, too. That was how they survived, wasn't it? Adapting? But right now, that was the last thing she wanted.
Desperately, beyond describing, she wanted to hold on to every fragment of memory, of time shared with Shepard. Tali thought she would've chosen to go back to being at war if it meant more time.
Maybe she'd learned to be a little bit selfish after all.
There was the faint sound of approaching footsteps from behind her. Another quarian must have been nearby when the Normandy dropped her off; no doubt they'd come to welcome her. Most would recognize the ship and know one of their admirals had been aboard.
It crossed her mind to ask them to leave her be, but the willpower to do so escaped her. Instead, Tali kept silent. Internally she felt anything but quiet.
Tali wanted to be alone. She stared at the specks of discoloured dirt where her tears were landing. She wanted to scream. Wanted to forget the world around her. To forget all of it's ordeals and harsh realities. All of the pain. The loss. She wanted to just curl up in the cabin on the Normandy, insulated from the darkness. Let sleep take her. Wake up to something, anything better. Maybe not wake up at all.
But more than anything she wanted Shepard to be here.
The footsteps drew nearer. A voice cut through the sombre silence.
"When I feel that way, I reach for you, too."
Tali's heart skipped a beat, or three. Her mind fumbled to make sense of what she had just heard. Scattered shreds of emotion
Suddenly, swiftly, there was that unmistakable warmth again. A spark. Reigniting the smouldering embers of her heart. Light. It flooded her with new emotion- no, not new. Emotion that had all began three years ago. The sensation flared. In an instant, it filled her hollow shell. Heart aflame. Coalescing into something tangible. Liquid droplets of anguish transformed into beads of unbound exhilaration.
Strong, familiar arms wrapped themselves around her gently from behind. That moment compressed into a single point frozen in time and simultaneously stretched into eternity.
United. This was how Tali had known it was meant to be.
She felt his heartbeat through her body, his lips brushing up against her neck, kissing her suit softly. His stubbled cheek brushed against hers, lips placing themselves upon her bare skin. With the barest tilt of her head, Tali found her lips locked with his own once more. A feeling so perfect it would forever defy description.
Speechless. Language failed.
Another tear streaked down her cheek, and a gentle hand wiped it all away. Burned away the darkness. Tali melted at his touch: it wasn't a dream. Beyond that.
This was Home.
He was alive.
In her ear, Shepard whispered, "Keelah se'lai."