If you give Sweeney Todd an MP3 Player
Sweeney Todd sat casually in my room, for some unknown reason. He came upon my MP3 player, screen lit up scrolling by itself through my songs (my Mp3 player has a mind of its own) Sweeney was confused, he had never seen anything like it before. But, he did recognize the ear plugs and carefully put them in his ears unsure of what to do next. There was this sideways triangle that looked promising. He pressed it.
"YOUR GONNA BE POPULAR!" the Mp3 blared and Jack cringed.
What was this device from hell used for? Torture?
He pressed a random button and was relived when the Mp3 when momentarily silent, then he heard a strange noise omitting from the machine. What was it doing?
"Good Night my someone good night my love sweet dreams my some " the contraption commanded, Sweeney paused, unsure of who was the some one was. He pressed the same button that had changed the song again.
"Past the point of no return…" it began in hushed tones.
Sweeney understood now, this…this…thing was used for musical entertainment! How…how…strange. Sweeney listened calmly to his song until it was finished, dreading what was next.
"GOOOOOOOOOOD NEEEEEEWWWWWWWS" the MP3 shrilled.
Sweeney waited to hear the good news.
"SHE'S DEAD!" the MP3 declared.
Who was dead?
"THE WITCH OF THE WEST IS DEAD!"
Who was the witch of the west?
"THE WICKEDEST WITCH THERE EVER WAS!"
What?
"THE ENEMY OF ALL OF US HERE IN OZ!"
Oz?
"IS DEAD! GOOD NEWS! GOOD NEWS!"
He already knew that! He pressed the button that had changed the songs before.
It started innocently enough with the sound of clapping then what appeared to be a sweet voice came on quietly with a little static "The French are glad to die for love."
Sweeney found that insulting but waited for her too go on...Suddenly the music grew loud, Jack tried to change the song but it wasn't working!
"A KISS ON THE HAND MAY BE QUITE CONTINETAL BUT DIAMONDS ARE A GIRL'S BEST FRIEND!" the voice shouted.
Sweeney wrestled with the machine until it changed songs.
"Thank God" he muttered as he waited for the oncoming torture.
It was quiet, Sweeney barely caught the words.
"Pop. Six. Swish. Uh-uh. Cicero. Lipshitz."
Sweeney didn't wait for it to go on, he changed the song.
"No one mourns the wicked" the thing whispered.
Sweeney sighed, not this song again. But it was different it was whispered this time.
"Now at last she's dead and gone, now at last there's joy throughout the land."
Hmm, this wasn't that bad there was even pretty music in-
"GOOD NEWS!" screamed the MP3 ,Sweeney jumped.
"Good news" it whispered.
Suddenly a female voice came on.
"Who can say if I've been changed for the better? But, because I knew you."
Sweeney swore he heard two people say 'because I knew you'
"Because I knew you" the original female repeated.
Two voices came on as one, "I have been changed."
"NO ONE MOURNS THE…"
The evil mob was back, Erik cursed.
"WICKED, WICKED, WICKED!"
Sweeney relaxed, the song was over but then the evil contraption changed songs. By itself!
,Sweeney raised an eyebrow. The voice whispered something Sweeney couldn't make out. There was a whole verse before the words became understandable.
"All I want is a room somewhere far away from the cold night air warm hands warm feet of would did it be lovely?"
Then another voice came on and sang and muttered something. Sweeney decided he had quite enough of that song. He changed it. And recognized it. The first song!
"When ever I see someone less fortunate then I" the voice said coolly.
NO, NO!
"And let's face it who isn't, less fortunate then I?" the voice said sweetly, but Jack heard the evilness behind it ( I have a good looking face) he thought.
He couldn't change the damn song!
"My tender heart tends to start to bleed!"
Tender heart indeed! It was agonizing!
"Liar, liar!" Sweeney shouted at the thing in his grasp.
"And when someone needs a makeover I simply have to take over I know, I know! Exactly what they need!" the voice declared.
Sweeney slammed the device down but the voice only got louder.
"AND EVEN IN YOUR CASE, THOUGH IT'S THE TOUGHEST CASE I'VE YET TO FACE!"
Sweeney passed out cold, never once attempting to take out the ear plugs and end his torment. It was not until later that night I found him rocking back and forth and occasionally twitching muttering "popular I'm going to be pop-U-ler."
Who will the MP3 get next?
The MP3 returns for Toby
Toby strolled into my room, bouncing all the way. He threw himself upon my bed and giggled like the little girl he is. Suddenly, something lit up. It was…my MP3 player.
"Ohhh" cooed Toby, picking up the device and immediately putting the ear plugs in his ear.
The devil's contraption scrolled through the long list of songs, picking its torture device.
"No more talk of darkness, forget these wide-eyed fears…" sang some masculine voice.
Toby wrinkled his nose is disgust whoever sung that song must be a totally fop. He pounded on the device hoping it would stop. The Mp obeyed his poundings and scrolled once again.
"Where's all mah soul sistas? Lemme hear ya'll flow sistas!"
Toby didn't understand any of those words, but assumed it was some tribal ritual. He threw the iPod to the floor happily hoping it would change songs.
Suddenly, loud music made Toby squeal like a girl and jump.
"FIYERO!" cried some female from the iPod.
Tobywas genuinely confused.
"I am notToby" he muttered to the iPod, giving it a little shake, "I am Raoul"
"Eleka nahmen nahmen Ah tum ah tum eleka nahmen Eleka nahmen nahmen Ah tum ah tum eleka nahmen!" cried the women in distress.
Toby was frightened of women with issues so he threw the iPod in the air, letting it crash to the ground.
The device was silent for a moment, as if pondering what torture to come up with next.
"Ladies up in here tonight! No fightin', no fightin'! We got the refugees up in here! I never really knew that she could dance like this she makes a man want to speak Spanish!
Como se llama, Bonita, mi casa, su casa Shakira, Shakira!"
Toby hopped up and jumped up and down on the bed screaming "Shakira, Shakira!" along with the iPod.
"Oh baby when you talk like that You make a woman go mad So be wise and keep on Reading the signs of my body I'm on tonight You know my hips don't lie And I'm starting to feel it's right All the attraction, the tension Don't you see baby, this is perfection!" Toby sang along, this was his favorite song of all time!
The mp3 was not satisfied, Toby was happy and that was not its aim its aim was to instill false hope then crush it! So it bided its time as tobysang off key with dear Shakira.
The song ended, Toby fell on his back giggling (he happens to do this a lot). The device launched its master plan.
"Think of me, think of me fondly when we've said goodbye" sang the iPod, Toby wrinkled his nose in disgust, what wench sang this hideous song?
He tried beating up the iPod to make it shut up, but it didn't heed just continued to sing. Toby lay back and sang "Hips Don't Lie" to drown off the terrible screeching (in his opinion)
Soon, the song ended and Toby relaxed.
"Finally!" he sighed, but then the song started up again.
And this time Sarah Brightman sung it!
"No!" Toby cried, falling to his knees, tears streaming down his face.
Then, much like Sweeney , he passed out cold. Where I again found him later. But, instead of offering comfort, he was unceremoniously flung out the window.
Mrs. Lovett
Nellie wandered into my room.
"How odd" she muttered, "I swear I could smell Sweeney's perfume…"
Suddenly, seemingly on cue, the hell device lit up in the dark room. Nellie flicked on the light.
"How odd" she repeated, picking up the device.
She turned it over and few time before putting the ear plugs in her ear. The device made a series of beeps, its maniacal way of laughing.
Then a song began to play, Nellie paused.
"Ev'ry day more wicked!"
Who were they talking about?
"Ev'ry day, the terror grows!"
Nellie cocked her head to the side.
All of Oz is ever on alert!
Oh God, she thought, not the Oz incident she hadn't meant to make that stupid brick road yellow!
"That's the way with Wicked – "
Wicked was a strong word
"Spreading fear where e'er she goes"
Fear?
"Seeking out new victims she can hurt!"
"It was an accident" Nellie shouted, throwing the device down.
The device giggled, but Nellie didn't hear over her shouted. It changed songs.
At first there was this guy talking to someone, and then the music truly started.
"(How you like it daddy?)Would you do it from the front? (How you like it daddy?) Would you do it from the back? (How you like it daddy?) Fyna break it down like that! (How you like it daddy?)"
Nellie stared at the sadistic machine in confusion, what was this hell music!
She threw it against the wall, it being invincible, bounced back and hit her in the forehead.
But, she had managed for it to switch songs. There was this noise, as if forwarding through part of the song then, it came on.
"I see a little silhouetto of a man. Scaramouche,scaramouche will you do the fandango. Thunderbolt and lightning-very very frightening me."
What kind of freak fest was this?
"Galileo,galileo, galileo galileoGalileo figaro-magnifico"
Nellie hit the machine, but it continued on.
"But I'm just a poor boy and nobody loves me
He's just a poor boy from a poor family-
Spare him his life from this monstrosity-
Easy come easy go-,will you let me go-
Bismillah! No-, we will not let you go-let him go-
Bismillah! we will not let you go-let him go
Bismillah! we will not let you go-let me go
Will not let you go-let me go
Will not let you go let me go
No,no,no,no,no,no,no."
Nellie had had enough! She attempted to pull the ear plugs from her ears, but the thing wasn't finished with her yet. It changed it's method of torture.
"You were once a friend and father" sang the iPod
"No!" howled Nellie , now this was pain whoever that was singing was horrible.
She hit her head against the wall, in a feeble attempt to end the anguish, but the demonic machine continued once again, flipping through its torture tools.
"No pido que todo los días sean de sol, no pido que todos los viernes sean de fiesta...Y tampoco te pido que vuelvas rogando perdón, si lloras con los ojos secos y hablando de ella."
Nellie shrieked it was that Shakira girl that Toby adored so much. She fell upon my bed, retching.
The iPod giggled again, imagine the sound of a furby. It flashed red as it went though the song choices again, going in for the kill. It fast forwarded to get to the perfect part.
"Something bad is happening in Oz" sang a man.
Nellie shrieked at the little device, "It was an accident!"
"Something bad happening in Oz?"
Nellie passed out from, maybe all the screaming and later joined her husband in the bushes.
The Judge and The Beadle
Judge Turpin and Beadle wander into my room, heatedly discussing who was hotter: Tom Cruise or Brad Pitt.
As usual, the Mp3 saw its victims and lit up its screen to get their attention.
"Oh, pretty light!" Beadle crooned, picking up the Mp3 and cradling it, "Judge can we keep it?"
The Mp3 Player was outraged at this behavior, it was no pet! It was a sadistic torture device!
"Let's see what it has to say" Turpin replied, picking up one of the earplugs and handing the other to Andre.
The Mp3 was especially pissed off now, it pulled out its worst torture devices.
"Bombs are flying. People are dying. Children are crying. Politicians are lying too" sang the iPod.
Beadle and Turpin didn't know what this thing was getting at so they continued to listen.
"Cancer is killing Texaco's spilling the whole worlds gone to hell but how are you?
I'm super Thanks for asking All things considered I couldn't be better I must say
I'm feeling super No, nothing bugs me Everything is super when you're
Don't you think I look cute in this hat?"
"What's going on" Beadle asked Turpin and thus began to cry.
The Mp3 cursed, it was too much too soon it decided to go easier on them.
"I am a sentimental man"
"Me too!" squealed Turpin .
"Who always longed to be a father"
Beadle glanced at Turpin seriously, "I'VE always longed to be a father!"
"That's why I do the best I can. To treat each citizen of Oz as a son or daughter!"
"What?" Beadle was losing it now, what the hell was this guy talking about?
"So Elphaba, I'd like to raise you high!"
Turpin looked over at Beadle and muttered, "Not that Elphaba business again, it was only once!"
"'Cuz I think everyone deserves…"
Turpin didn't want to hear anymore about his ex-girlfriend so he banged the device until it made beeping noises and was silent for a moment.
At the mention of such vulgar language, Beadle being the more girly one, passed out. The iPod was furious but it bided its time while Turpin brought him 'round. These two were more fragile then that Toby guy! It decided he had enough play around. It was time to go in for the kill. It skipped a little of the song, he didn't want them to pass out too soon.
"Hey Rod, you'll never Guess what happened to me on the subway this morning. This guy was smiling at me and talking to me."
Beadle and Turpin smiled, this sounded familiar, the iPod laughed they would be getting it soon.
"That's very interesting"
"He was being real friendly,
and I think he was coming on to me.
I think he might've thought I was gay!
"Ahem, so, uh, why are you telling me this?
Why should I care?
I don't care.
What did you have for lunch today?"
"Oh, you don't have to get
all defensive about it, Rod..."
"I'm NOT getting defensive!
What do I care about some gay guy you met, okay?
I'm trying to read."
"Oh, I didn't mean anything by it, Rod.
I just think it's something we should be able to talk about."
"I don't want to talk about it,
Nicky! This conversation is over!"
"Yeah, but..."
"OVER!"
"Well, okay, but just so you know —
IF YOU WERE GAY
THAT'D BE OKAY.
I MEAN 'CAUSE, HEY,
I'D LIKE YOU ANYWAY.
BECAUSE YOU SEE,
IF IT WERE ME,
I WOULD FEEL FREE
TO SAY THAT I WAS GAY"
Beadle and Turpin smiled happily at each other, skipping around to the beat of the song and knocking over various items in the room.
The Mp3 was fuming, that was it! No more Mister Nice iMp3 . The device, forged by Satan himself, whirred and clicked.
Then…it came on.
"I'm not wearing underwear today,
No im not wearing underwear today
not that you probably care
Much about my underwear
Still none the less I gotta say
That I'm not wearing underwear today!"
At the mention of…this…this...cruel act against nature Beadle and Turpin went into hysterics, clutching at each other until they fainted onto my bed. Of course, when I walked in later I was disgusted. I didn't know what to do with them. Nellie and Toby were STILL in the bushes and Sweeney was currently occupying the closet occasionally informing me that he was going to be popular, Glinda told him so. So, I dragged their two apparently lifeless bodies over to my neighbor's gate and threw them it. My neighbors have two viscous pit bulls who hate fops. I dread to think what will happen to dear Turpin and dear Beadle when the dogs awaken…
Sweeney …again
I couldn't resist! It's not my best, but, oh well!
Disclaimer: Do not own Sweeney or songs….yadda yadda
Me: Sweeney , really come out of the closet. My iPod is charging, so basically it is in a hibernation state.
Sweeney : I don't believe you!
Me: It's harmless really, it…it…doesn't know how to make friends!
Sweeney : I had to listen to a good witch tell me I'm going to be popular for hours, I think I have a right to be doubtful of that…that…thing!
Me: Sweeney you'll hurt its feelings (cuddles Mp3)
Sweeney : Are you sure it's safe?
Me: (look at iPod) Yes
Sweeney (comes out of closet) that's a relief-ahhhh!
TheMp3, smelling Sweeney's fear wrenched itself from it cord and sprung at him, ear plugs first. The earplugs lodged themselves in Sweeney's ear, nothing was pulling them out.
"I will break into your thoughts"
"Never" screamed Sweeney .
"With what's written on my heart"
"What!" cried Sweeney, unsure of what the iPod meant.
"I will break, break" the last word the Mp3 screamed, Sweeney joined in.
"HELP ME!" he cried, trying to pull the thing from his ears.
"Quiet down!" I said, fearing my parents would come in and check up on me.
Sweeney flung the Mp3 to the ground, but it didn't break only paused and whirred.
"Sweeney be careful that thing is expensive!" I sighed, hoping the little thing wasn't injured.
Then I could hear it from the Mp3 , the Buffy opening song thing. The guitar blared loudly over the earplug and Erik threw himself helplessly to the floor, attack the iPod.
I couldn't resist, I danced a bit the theme song. It's so good!
"I know I may be young, but I've got feelings too. And I need to do what I feel like doing. So let me go and just listen" the iPod sang, Sweeney cringed and looked up at me.
"Why is this on you…Sweeney" he asked slowly.
I shrugged, "My friend loves Britney!"
"ARRGH!" screamed Sweeney as Britney got to "I'm a slave 4 u" part
"I'm a slave for you. I cannot hold it; I cannot control it. I'm a slave for you. I won't deny it; I'm not trying to hide it."
I leaned down and patted Sweeney on the head, "I think it likes you!"
"Dearest darlingest Momsie and Popsical" said the iPod sweetly.
"IT'S HER!" cried Sweeney, I looked to the screen.
"It's just 'What is the Feeling?'" I didn't understand his pain.
"IT'S THE POPULAR GIRL!"
"Oh, Kristin Chenoweth rocks!" I said, jumping up and down.
"Just get this thing off of me" he mumbled into the carpet.
"Fine" I bent down but was repelled by the Mp3's mysterious powers!
The iPod changed it method of torture, I heard it giggle! I screamed and flew to hide under the covers of my bed.
I recognized the song.
"Oh, God" I muttered, it was the song my brother had put on my iPod.
"What you gon' do with all that junk?
All that junk inside your trunk?
I'ma get, get, get, get, you drunk,
Get you love drunk off my hump.
My hump, my hump, my hump, my hump, my hump,
My hump, my hump, my hump, my lovely little lumps. (Check it out)"
Sweeney looked up slowly from the carpet, "What is the meaning of this?" he growled.
My head poked up from under the covers, "My brother…" I trailed off.
"Help me" he said pitifully.
I have to admit, I felt bad. I had to try reasoning with the iPod.
"Mp3 , come on, Sweeney doesn't want to play right now!" I said softly.
The Mp3 growled menacingly.
"Come on, let him go!" I said more fervently.
It changed songs, I dreaded what came next.
"I hate men. I can't abide 'em even now and then. Than ever marry one of them, I'd rest a maiden rather, for husbands are a boring lot and only give you bother. Of course, I'm awfully glad that Mother had to marry Father, but I hate men."
Sweeney convulsed, "I'm sorry, it was a long night! And there was so much Diet Coke passed around! It seemed like a good idea at the time!"
Then the Mp3 flashed and I knew it was going in for the kill.
"Sweeney, hold on I'm sure I can…"
"Jeepers, creepers...where'd ya get them peepers
Jeepers, creepers...where'd ya get those eyes?"
I gasped as Sweeney passed out, ending is torment.
"I LOVE THIS SONG!" I jumped up and hopped on my bed, singing along with it.
I heard a loud knocking at my door, then my dad's deep voice, "Stop making so much noise I'm trying to watch the game!"
I heard footsteps stomping down the hall. I pulled the iPod from Sweeney's ears and plugged it back in, giving it a kiss.
Then, I dragged Erik back into the closet and prayed he wouldn't be speared by my many shoes.
I opened the door to my room and skipped off, wondering if I should watch Jeepers Creepers 2 or Interview with The Vampire