A flickering streetlight outside lit up the tiny, dingy room and the young man standing before her.
"That's it?" River asked, puzzled as he prepared to leave.
"Yeah, listen I gotta make a pick-up at dawn, see ya," the young man replied. "Thanks for the rut." And then he was gone.
River smoothed her clothes out as she put them back on. She was confused. He had danced with her, bought her food and drink, then taken her up to a room and River had had her first kiss. Swept up in the emotions washing over her, she'd enjoyed many more firsts in a matter of minutes. Then he left; just walked out.
Had she done something wrong?
Combing her brain, she found no point where she'd gone 'ape-shit,' as Jayne referred to it; she'd never touched a gun while in the young man's presence, never spoke in that 'eerie ass creepifin' voice, either. What'd happened?
And why couldn't she get Jayne's words out of her head? She glossed over that thought while putting her boots back on. It was dark and Jayne was probably getting his fill of what she had just received. Of course, chances were he was actually enjoying it. Jayne didn't give a second thought to taking from a whore and leaving, probably much like the young man that had just left River's side.
Walking back to the ship, River couldn't help but relive the whole evening over and over again. She had been so shocked when he walked out. Now the thought occurred to her that she should find him and punch him, maybe kick him in the face, and remove his manly appendage, anything but just letting him leave and get away with it.
"Hey, girlie!" a gruff voice came from behind her. "Wait up!"
River rolled her eyes; she did not want to talk to Jayne right now. Especially when he smelled of sex, enjoyable sex. She couldn't help but feel a little jealous.
"Why you walkin' alone?" Jayne asked catching up with her. "Your brother'll throw a fit if'n he sees you walkin' by your lonesome. Good thing I caught ya."
"How heroic of you," River replied sarcastically. "Now, I won't have to explain to Simon where I've been, he'll merely assume I was at the whore house with you."
"What's got your panties in a knot?" Jayne asked. "Didn't get your share from that little man twirlin' you 'round the dance floor?"
River sucker punched him in the gut and stalked off toward the open cargo bay doors. Jayne hunched over, grabbing his stomach. When he recovered he marched straight to his bunk.
Girl must've got shot down. No way in ruttin' hell a woman would punch a man after gettin' some. 'Course, she weren't a normal woman. River was feng le. No two ways about it. Well, she wasn't as bad since Miranda. It'd been a few years and she was all womanly and a little curvier than Jayne like to admit, and maybe not as crazy. She sure hadn't taken any butcher knives to his favorite shirt recently. Useful was really what she was. Made for a great partner to have on a job. 'Specially when she did that bendy thing with her legs, or made her body go all stretchy. Okay, so she wasn't so much a feng le kid anymore, more like a useful partner type woman. A damn flexible woman. Damn, this wasn't helping anything.
Inara could explain this. She was accustomed to having sex without feelings or attachments. It was her career. River jumped out of bed and ran to the shuttle door and knocked. Inara appeared at the door, her hair mussed from sleep.
"What's the matter mei mei?" Inara asked quietly. River pushed past her and plopped herself on the couch. Inara went to take a seat next her. "Something that can't wait until morning, I suppose."
"How do you condition yourself to have sex without emotions or developing dependencies?" River asked quickly.
Inara was surprised by the question. "What?"
"How do you-?" River started the query again, but Inara cut her off.
"No, I understood the question. I just don't understand why you are asking."
River looked at Inara as if she could deduce the answer by just staring at her.
"River, did something happen tonight?" Inara asked. "Did you meet someone?"
"I engaged in sexual activity for the first time, but was confused when my partner walked away straight after," River explained matter-of-factly.
Inara hesitated, flustered at what River had said. She knew that River was no longer a child but the idea that River would engage in a sexual relationship seemed foreign.
"The girl must have done something wrong," River continued. "The intercourse was not enjoyable and the man didn't seem to like me afterwards. Just left."
Inara was put off at her frankness. Which she thought was odd. Inara had no qualms talking about sex, even casual sex, but she knew the girl had been taken advantage of and didn't know how to explain it to her.
"I know he took advantage," River replied to Inara's thoughts. "I understand that now, but I want to know how I'm supposed to get rid of the repetitious feelings of inadequacy."
"Well," Inara started unsteadily. "You try not to let it happen again, I suppose."
"You have sex with people all the time without having this problem, what is the process you go through?" River asked with a childish expression of curiosity.
Inara couldn't really answer. She had sex with people as a job; she always viewed herself as a social worker helping people with problems, never imagining herself as a person who had casual sex without attachment or emotion. Inara put a lot of emotion into her job, or at least, she thought she did. Now with River questioning her methods, she couldn't really answer.
"Sweetheart, I'm sorry that you had to go through this experience, but I can't help you. My job and what you encountered are very different," Inara told her. "Why don't you go to bed and in the morning we'll talk to Simon about this."
Quickly River sobered and looked a little afraid. "Not necessary," she said, then bolted out of the shuttle. The last person she needed help from was Simon.
Jayne lay awake in his bunk. He couldn't get comfortable. The bruising on his stomach made it hard to sleep in his favorite position, on his stomach. Because he couldn't sleep he tried to figure out what he'd done bad enough to get a punch in his gut. That girl was his partner, or closest thing he'd ever had to one. Normally, a partner didn't punch you when you made a remark 'bout sexin'. Well, maybe a girl partner did. He didn't rightly know how girl partners reacted.
Jayne had seen her and that young, skinny thing passin' off as a man. Probably the kid's first turn on this planet. The boy had bought River drinks, but not to get her drunk. Jayne knew what that looked like; he'd have stopped it if that was the case. Just looking out for his partner, that's all. The boy wined and dined the girl like she was a princess. That's why Jayne decided he could leave the bar and head over to the cat house. Figured a girl like River could take care of herself, so he went to get some trim.
But something had happened between the time he left her and the time he met up with her again, walking towards the boat. River was all kinds of cranky, cranky enough to punch him in the belly. So now, he couldn't sleep on account of his stomach being black and blue.
"You have been spending too much time with Jayne," Simon grimaced as a shoe was thrown at his head. He ducked at the last second so the shoe hit the wall behind him. "Are you hung over?"
"Yes," River told him, merely to get him out of the room. "You are going to prescribe me aspirin, water and bed rest for the entire day."
"I'm going to let Jayne have it; did he even make sure you got home okay before he went out to do his thing?" Simon sputtered on the last bit of his sentence. A proper core man didn't have terms for whore houses.
"Simon, my head hurts. Go find Kaylee. She needs your help." River lied. He really was irritating and it was too early.
"Fine, but please, get up and eat something. It will help with the hang over," Simon conceded.
As the door shut, River rolled over onto her back and stared at the ceiling. Impossible was the word used to describe her sleep situation. She just couldn't do it. She was angry for allowing herself to be used. Mad at Inara for not having answers for her. Jayne just reminded her of her inadequacies. He assumed she was perturbed because she had lacked a sexual encounter when the truth was the opposite. River merely suffered from a terrible first copulation.
It ate at River like a starving rim villager would eat a core Thanksgiving dinner, big chunks out of every part of her. Her mind felt irrational for having the thoughts of inadequacy. Her emotions betrayed her. She knew that it should mean nothing, but it still burned.
Then she remembered what Simon said. He was upset at Jayne for going off to the whore house. She could ask Jayne how to get rid of the feelings! He would know for sure, he didn't seem to have the feelings at all.
Jumping up from her bed she ran to his bunk.
"What the-? Gorramit girl!" Jayne hollered as she tumbled down his ladder. She would have made a graceful dismount if Jayne hadn't been trying to go up the ladder while she came down it. Instead they fell into a mess on the floor.
"You better have a good reason for this! Somebody better be comin' with hands o' blue or an operative or some such," Jayne prattled on. "First ya sock me in my gut, then ya tackle me in my own bunk. It's bad enough you can do it at all, ya only weigh a hundred pounds soakin' wet, that kinda thing embarrasses a man with a reputation like mine."
Since she had unintentionally wrestled him to the floor, she let him vent for a moment before getting to her point. Of course, they were still on the floor and she was too focused on getting her question out to stand up.
"Jayne, how is it that you have no emotional attachment to the whores you visit?" River asked, bright eyed. Jayne could answer then River could get over her conflicted thoughts and feelings.
"Huh?" Jayne was confused, and he was still on the floor underneath River. "Get off me, I ain't talkin' 'bout whores with a tiny girl on top o' me." River obliged and plopped herself on the chair near his desk. Jayne stood up and just stared at her.
"I can repeat the question or reform it so you can understand better," River told him.
"Nah, I got what you asked," Jayne said. "I'm guessin' this is why I got punched last night. That right?"
"Your assumption is correct. My mood was not due to lack of sex, but rather, a poor experience with sex," River explained. She had no problem telling him the story. If he knew the whole situation she expected he could give a more accurate solution.
"Damn, shouldn't have left ya with that young buck. Didn't know nothin' 'bout pleasin' a woman huh?" he asked.
"It seemed pleasurable enough, I suppose. The issue was his lack of concern afterward. He just walked away. I thought he liked me, but his actions said differently."
"Oh, girlie…" Jayne sighed. "You wanna know how come you got your feelin's all hurt and he just walked out when he was done, yeah?"
"Yes! You understand! How do I get my emotions to understand that it was a brief encounter? Nothing coming from it. How do you enjoy a whore without dwelling on the feelings of closeness created by coitus?"
"Well, it's like this," Jayne started. "See, you women-folk get all mushy 'bout sexin', not your fault or nothin', just the way you're built. Women put all the emphasis on how they feel. Sex is making love and all that go se. You get all wrapped up in the connection, which probably for you, bein' a reader and all, worse. Girls see sex as an expression of feelin's." Jayne sat on his bed and looked up at the ceiling with a thoughtful expression. River hadn't seen him look so pensive before. "Now men, we see ruttin' as sumpin' totally different. It's more like a release of tension."
River looked confused.
"Tension being release? That's an accurate depiction, but why don't men feel the same feelings as women?" River asked.
"We do, just at different times. Like you released frustration and tension last night when you punched me in the gut. That's how a man views sex. Only time man ever gets caught up in feelin's is if he's really in love with the woman. Men don't confuse sex feelin's for love. Women do."
"I merely confused the euphoria of my first sexual encounter as love?"
"Yeah," Jayne said, and then his face fell. "Wait! That was your first time? Gorramit, you didn't tell your brother 'bout all this did ya?" River was thrown by the concern coming from Jayne. He felt awful about what happened.
"Why would I tell Simon I am no longer a virgin or that I was taken advantage of?" River asked. "It would just make him more protective and irritating. I don't need more of that."
Jayne chuckled. "That's the truth," he agreed. "I just didn't want him blamin' this on me."
"On what grounds could anyone blame you for my decisions?"
"I shouldn't have left ya there. Nobody deserves that kinda situation for their first time, ain't right." Jayne shook his head.
"Thank you," River said getting up from her chair.
"For what? Leaving ya to an idiot who couldn't even make it any fun for ya? Shoulda had Inara get ya set up with a friend of hers or some such. I should be apologizin' to you." Jayne was embarrassed and River found it endearing.
"Thank you for explaining to me the difference between men and women. I can let go of the feelings and know that there's nothing wrong with me," she told him. "No reason for you to feel bad."
Jayne smiled and River noticed his eyes were so blue. He was good looking, better looking than the young man from the previous night.
"Alright girlie, imma give you some advice," Jayne started. "Next time you got a feller lookin' to court ya, you let me have a talk with him first."
"No!" River blurted. "I don't need another brother."
"Fine, but you just be careful 'bout men, don't need to be havin' this chat with you again."
"Jayne?" River stopped on her way to the ladder and turned to him. "Sex can be enjoyable, right?"
Jayne smiled wide. "Ain't nothin' better than sexin', 'cept maybe shootin'." River smiled back at him and started up the ladder. Jayne put his hand on the rung and began to lift himself up. "Dammit girl!" he yelled and looked away from her. "You got to wear undies!"
"I skipped them so as to not get 'my panties in a knot'," she told him teasingly.
"It's an expression!" Jayne hollered staring at the bulkhead straight ahead. "Get on up the ladder so I can get some breakfast!"
River smiled again and made her way up the ladder. "Okay, I'm up, you can look now."
"You are gonna be the death of me," Jayne huffed as he too came up the ladder. "Better be breakfast left, I can't spend all my time tellin' you how life goes."