Title: Trading Tomorrows
Author: KennaXF
Keywords: strong Mulder/Scully angst, hurt, a little implied MSR
Rating: PG-13, just to be safe
Spoilers: Nothing major. Assumes general knowledge of episodes up through season 7 including Fight the Future.
Disclaimer: I don't own the X-Files or the characters...they belong to Chris Carter and Fox. I'm just borrowing them for a bit!
Notes: This is my very first fanfic. After being a huge fan of The X-Files (and a die-hard shipper) for 15 years, I finally decided to give writing fanfiction a try.
If you happen to like this story I would really appreciate your feedback! Many thanks to Elizabethannfanfic for beta reading for me!!
TRADING TOMORROWS
Parking lot -- abandoned warehouse
Southeast Washington, DC
2:03am
Special agent Dana Scully had never been one to allow completely irrational thoughts cloud her ever-rational mind but still she could not deny a very uncomfortable feeling as she sat alone in her car that night. Of course the dream she'd had right before coming there had not done anything to steady her nerves. Oh well, it's not like I'm not used to bad dreams, she thought unhappily, but at least there weren't aliens in this one! She smiled and reached into her pocket to find the warm metal object she still carried and began to study it once again. It was beautiful really- she thought to herself - in a strange, ancient way. It appeared to be part of a medallion although of what significance she didn't know. The outstretched wing of a bird adorned the gleaming golden finish and she ran a perfectly manicured finger over the surface thoughtfully. Why in the world would he want me to have this, she wondered, involuntarily smiling as her thoughts carried her back.
She had met him three days earlier as she and Mulder were attempting to interpret a symbol they had run across while investigating an X-file. As was typical, their research had begun in a completely unorthodox manner...one consisting of a visit to a local mystic - an elderly gentleman of far eastern descent who proclaimed himself to be a mediator between the physical and spiritual realms of the universe. Although the very notion of such had immediately sent Scully's eyes on an involuntary trip northward, she eventually found herself intrigued by the musings of the sweet, soft-spoken man.
"Although our journey through this life is taken as individual beings," he said, "each having our own experiences, thoughts and beliefs, we still operate cooperatively as one unit. Each individual life begins as part of one universal soul…splitting from it at birth and eventually returning to it upon death. The image of the bird in flight," he said nodding towards the photo in Mulder's hand, "is the ancient symbol for the soul. The two small flames pictured next to the bird are symbolic of twin souls...two halves of one very strong soul separated in order to begin their individual journeys through this physical realm." He stopped to glance at Scully's face and smiled at her obvious skepticism. "Each half of the whole - the two who are yet one - are therefore destined to carry part of the other within themselves. Most never achieve a level of consciousness high enough to be aware of this added presence. Some, however, will experience an inexplicable emptiness - a longing - that they just can't seem to fill." He glanced at Agent Scully and smiled at the skepticism written on her face. "I assist the universe in bringing these souls together when they are ready." The old man's eyes began to sparkle. "The energy created by the physical union of twin flames is very great...it is the birthplace of miracles"
"So in essence," responded Scully with a smile and corresponding raised eyebrow, "your a...cosmic 'match-maker'?" The old man laughed and gently took her hand. "Agent Scully," he said winking an eye at her, "when you're ready, you will know." Mulder tried to stifle a very amused snort and quickly guided his open-mouthed partner out the door.
Needless to say, she had been surprised when the plain white envelope addressed to her had appeared on their desk that morning. The old medallion had been tucked inside, wrapped neatly in paper upon which was written, "When the student is ready, the teacher will appear." With an amused laugh, she slid the items into her pocket and had soon forgotten about them.
Scully shook her head to clear her thoughts as she slipped the broken medallion back into her pocket and once again focused on her present situation. She yawned and glanced absentmindedly at the clock, back lit against the dashboard of her FBI sedan. 2:03...he's already over thirty minutes late! Where the hell are you Mulder! she thought angrily. The frustration she suddenly felt towards her partner boiled up inside of her even as she guiltily tried to force it back down. This was just like Mulder to forget about her and leave her to do the dirty work alone. She imagined him on some last minute wild goose chase without her completely oblivious to the fact that he was over 30 minutes late for a surveillance that *he* had insisted she join him on. His lead, another one of his bizarre theories. She should be at home in her bed right now...having bizarre dreams, her mind added...not out here on a dark parking lot by herself in the middle of no where watching an old abandoned building for god knows what!
She sighed in resignation. She knew deep inside that he cared for her, maybe even as much as she did for him, she just wished that he'd show it. 'Come on Dana, that's never going to happen.' She inwardly chided herself for even allowing herself to consider such a possibility. Mulder was almost as guarded with his feelings as she was. If she couldn't bring herself to allow him - her partner, her best friend - access into her heart...there was simply no way that he ever would.
She glanced quickly around her and seeing nothing in the pitch darkness, tried to stop the icy fingers of fear that had begun to inch their way down her spine. She called his cell phone one more time and was again transferred to his voice mail.
"Mulder, it's me. You are late…again…and, since I really don't want to be here anyway I've decided to go home. Don't bother calling me back. I'll see you at work Monday." She hung up the phone feeling smugly satisfied.
I've had enough of this, she said to herself and reached for the key hanging from the ignition.
She never saw the stranger approach the passenger side of her car, or raise his gun to point directly at her head. She never felt the hot searing pain of the bullet as it tore through the flesh and bone of her skull. In one moment the world went black for Dana Scully. Her fingers dropped from the key and her body slumped limply against the glass that was already bathed in crimson.
________________
Fox Mulder reached into the pocket of his jeans for his forgotten cell phone and deftly turned it on. He noted the 9 missed calls and smiled, vaguely surprised that there weren't more. He knew that his partner would be on the warpath about his being so late to his own surveillance but the information he had obtained on his last minute excursion was well worth the small slight. He knew that in time she would agree with him...she always did. His heart warmed as he thought of his petite partner. Scully was always there for him.... his one in five billion he had told her before. She was always willing to follow him regardless of what she thought...and she never had a problem telling him what she thought, he grinned. That's what had made him fall in love with her, he knew.
*Love* Where had that come from? He had harbored a fierce protectiveness towards her since soon after they had begun working together but, he had no idea when he had he had finally made that unconscious leap from viewing his beautiful partner as his best friend and confidant to loving her as he did now. He had to admit that it was getting more difficult to keep their relationship...well, at least his part of it...on a strictly professional level. He caught himself lingering a little longer than necessary in her brilliant blue gaze and for some inexplicable reason there seemed to be a lot more reasons lately for him to touch her. He hoped that she hadn't noticed the change in him...the last thing he wanted to do right now was to have to come clean with her. Hell, who was he kidding...she had probably figured it out long ago. He wouldn't even allow himself to hope that she felt the same about him. Even if she did, he reasoned, there was no way she would ever admit it. No matter how hard he had tried, he hadn't been able to break through the impenetrable walls that she had protected herself with. In his mind, he had done everything in his power to bring them down...especially when they had been fighting her cancer. He knew that it had been hard for her to do, but she had actually relied on him for strength...and, although he had been forced to endure too many replies of 'I'm fine, Mulder', they *had* grown closer. Now, for reasons he didn't fully understand they seemed to have slipped back into the *comfortable* old routine of being 'just partners'. 'Damn it!!', he thought to himself in frustration, 'I don't want to be comfortable anymore!' Oh, how he longed for something more. Soon...he promised himself.... soon I'm going to tell her how I *really* feel.... everything else be damned.
He pushed the number for her speed dial and waited for the phone to connect.
"This is Dana Scully...I can't answer the phone right now...."
Voicemail? Why wasn't she answering her phone?
"Hey Scully, it's me. I'm right around the corner...so...I guess I'll see you in a minute. Oh...by the way...sorry I'm late."
He fought a growing sense of unease and put a little more pressure on the gas.
The light from his high beams reflected off the silver paint of her car casting it in an eerie greenish glow as he pulled onto the lot.
"What the hell?" he muttered to himself noticing the dripping splotches of crimson that dotted the shiny surface of the glass.
Oh god, he thought with sickening realization, I recognize that red.
He hit the pavement running towards her car...ice-cold blood pumping through his veins.
*oh god ,oh god ,oh god*
He reached for her door as he somehow dialed 911 and screamed into the phone, "This is Special Agent Fox Mulder...I have an emergency! I have an agent down!"
The next few hours passed in a horrible blur of time. Somehow he had managed to provide a coherent location to the operator and shortly thereafter a helicopter and multiple emergency personnel had arrived to take control of the situation. They found him there on the cold asphalt covered in the blood of his partner and cradling her lifeless body. He instinctively fought the paramedics when they tried to take her from him. "Get the hell away from her!" he screamed at them, brandishing his gun when they tried to pull him away. It had taken four of them to calm him down enough to allow them do their job. Mulder vaguely remembered helicopter flight to the hospital but had absolutely no idea how he came to be standing in front of the very large police officer guarding the door through which his partner had been rushed.
"I'm an F.B.I. agent," explained Mulder, willing himself to be calm. "My partner was just brought in with a...a gun-shot wound...to her head." His voice began to shake as all remnants of his hard fought for control shattered. "You've got to let me in there! I have to see her!"
"I'm sorry, agent" the burly officer sympathetically replied. "I can't let you go in there. They are working on getting her stabilized so that they can take her into surgery." He carefully watched Mulder's reaction for any indication that he needed to call for back up...grateful that the paramedics had radioed ahead to warn about this one. He could tell that the agent obviously cared *a lot* about his partner...and he, for one, could understand that kind of bond...after all, he had married his partner two years ago.
They stood in steely resolve...both contemplating how much force it would take to stop the other if it became necessary. After what seemed like an eternity, Mulder dropped his shoulders and nodded in silent surrender knowing that he couldn't take the chance of not being there.
The officer expelled the breath he had been unconsciously holding and relaxed his stance. "Agent, why don't you go have a seat in the waiting room over there," he said and nodded towards the room across the hall. "I promise that someone will come get you as soon as they know something."
Mulder could see his lips moving but, wasn't able to hear a word the officer said. His mind was back on that parking lot with Scully. He could still feel her lifeless body in his arms...could still see those vacant blue eyes staring at nothing...and the blood...her blood...was everywhere.
The officer caught him just before he hit the ground.
Mulder came to drenched in sweat and covered in no small amount of his partner's blood to find himself lying on a cot in the white sterile hallway of a hospital. Where am I? he thought utterly confused as he stared at the bleak and unfamiliar surroundings. Where's Scully? He glanced down and saw hands...his hands...still stained with the sticky brown residue of Scully's dried blood and suddenly the horror came back to him with sickening force. He began to scream for her and stopped only when a startled CCU nurse ran down the hallway and to his side.
'Thank goodness the officer took his weapon when he passed out,' she thought gravely.
"Agent Mulder...your partner's alive," she whispered. "She's...she's in a coma." the nurse looked down unwilling to meet the intense eyes of this man. "She just came out of surgery. They were able to remove the bone fragments from her brain but there was quite a lot of damage to the temporal lobe. I'm sorry but we just don't know anything else right now." She tried not to notice as a tear struck the white linoleum under her feet. "We have her in the Critical Care Unit. She is breathing on her own at least...you can go to her now if you would like."
Mulder nodded at the nurse, physically unable to speak.
She took his arm and slowly led him to the darkened room of his partner. The room was oddly quiet and he was grateful for the steady beep of the monitors just to remind him that she was still alive. Even that was more than he had hoped for. He was startled to find that she looked somewhat normal under the gauzy white bandages that were wrapped tightly around her head. She still looked like Scully. He could almost fool himself into believing that she was about to open her eyes and unleash a tirade on him for being so late to meet her. He could see her in his mind...her arms crossed and lips pursed in the way that only she could...and he smiled in spite of himself. Quietly he went to her and knelt by her side. He rested his head on the cool sheet next to her body and began to cry...her hand cradled in his. Memories came back of another time when he had done the very same thing...she hadn't known he was there that night either. His body shook violently as the tears continued to fall.
The nurse, still watching from the doorway and not quite knowing what to do or say, quietly shut the door behind her and left the shattered man alone to deal with his demons.
___________
Margaret Scully arrived at the hospital the morning after the shooting and took her place next to Fox at Dana's bedside. The neurosurgeon that had operated on Dana the night before came in to check her progress, made some notes on the chart and then quickly left the way he had come. Margaret had been in this same place several years before when she had helplessly watched Dana's sister Melissa slip away. She was determined not to lose Dana to the same cruel fate but had no idea how to stop it from happening. All that she could do was to stand vigil over her just as she had for Melissa and pray that the outcome would somehow be different. She glanced over at Fox who hadn't moved from her daughter's side...his hand wrapped around hers...his head lying against her body. Even though Dana foundered in the depths of her coma, he still called to her...willed her to open her eyes...to look at him once more. The raw pain in his eyes was frightful in its intensity and agonizing to see. She glanced away just as the door opened and the imposing figure of A.D. Walter Skinner strode into the room.
__________
"Mrs. Scully, it's nice to see you again. I only wish it could have been under better circumstances," said Walter Skinner with a sad smile as he shook her hand. He nodded towards Scully's still form on the bed. "How is she doing?"
"She's the same as she has been since the shooting....there's still no change." replied Margaret Scully. "They say she still has some brain activity at least but, she hasn't come out of the coma. We are, of course, still hoping and praying for the best." A silent tear slipped down her face and she hastily wiped it away with her fingertips.
"We are doing the same at the F.B.I. Mrs. Scully. Please let me know if there is anything at all that you need. I will be in touch." Skinner glanced toward his other agent who had not yet looked up or away from the pale face of his female counterpart. "Agent Mulder, I...I took the liberty of bringing you a change of clothes. I thought you might need a shower by now." He walked over to Mulder and dropped the small bag at his feet...still Mulder did not move.
"Agent Mulder," a little firmer now, "we need to talk. Will you step into the hallway with me please?"
Mulder begrudgingly looked up at Skinner and then back at Scully. Skinner might as well separate me from one of my kidneys while he's at it, he thought. Too tired to argue about it, he stood on shaky legs and followed his boss into the hallway.
"What the hell happened, Agent Mulder!?" demanded Skinner. One look at Mulder's face and he at once regretted his harsh tone and struggled to get control of his frustration. To say that he had been through a lot with these two particular agents over the years was one hell of an understatement. He had watched them work together, grow as partners, and save each other's ass more times than he could count. Hell, he thought to himself, they even saved *my* ass a few times. He felt a deep respect and, yes, even affection for them and it angered him when one of them was injured...especially in a manner such as this.
"I wish I could tell you," Mulder finally replied...his guilt too deep to take offense at Skinner's harsh tone. "All I know is that we were about to do a surveillance. I was...a few minutes late...and when I got there...I.... I found her...in her car...like that." He couldn't say anything more as tears began to fall uncontrollably in front of a very uncomfortable Skinner.
"Agent Mulder," he said as gently as he could "I want you to know that we *will* find the bastard who did this to her...I promise you that." Skinner hesitated and then awkwardly patted his agent's back. "I'm giving you some time off, Agent Mulder. Take as much as you need...be with her...help her...do whatever you need to do. The X-files will be there when you...when you both...return. Oh, and Agent Mulder...get some sleep. You look like hell." Without waiting for his reply, he turned and walked away.
Seated back at her bedside, freshly showered and clothed, Mulder again began the ritual of staring at his partner's face. Even with her eyes closed she was the most beautiful thing he had ever seen. He was responsible for this as much as if he had put the gun to her head himself. Funny choice of words, he thought to himself, I did that once. The guilt ate at him like a worm to a rotten apple. It refused to let him sleep...assuring him with its dark voice that if he shut his eyes he would be destined to find her in that car over and over and over again.
As the days slowly passed the doctors seemed to be encouraged by the steady improvement in Scully's condition. The wound was healing, the swelling in her brain had diminished and she was by all accounts getting better even though her eyes had yet to open.
Mulder's mental state seemed to deteriorate as Scully's improved. His guilt over Scullly being shot warring with the guilt over not being the one to hunt down *and kill* the sonofabitch who had shot her. He became increasingly frustrated by the daily parade of visitors - mostly coworkers - whose meaningless words of comfort festered inside of him like an infection. On more than one occasion he forced them from her room ...raving like a madman...demanding that they just leave her alone. He was sure he would have hell to pay when...and if....he returned to the F.B.I. but, he found that he really didn't give a damn about that anymore.
___________
Margaret Scully watched Fox in concern. She had never seen him like this...not when Dana had cancer or when she was in a coma several years ago. He had been upset then to say the least but now he seemed like one possessed...by what she just didn't know. When the nurse came in to check Dana's vitals, Margaret followed her out into the hallway.
"Would it be possible to give him something?" she whispered motioning towards Mulder with her eyes "to help him sleep? I haven't seen him sleep for more than an hour at a time and then he wakes up screaming. I know he's having nightmares and I'm really worried that he's going to have a breakdown if he doesn't get some sleep soon. Is there anything at all you can do?"
The nurse didn't want to mention it but she had also been concerned about Agent Mulder. She was very familiar with the effects of grief on a body and knew that he would kill himself at the rate he was going. She kindly assured Margaret that she would bring something for him shortly. True to her word, she soon returned carrying two steaming cups of hot cocoa...one for Margaret sans sleep aid and the other for Mulder. He absently took the cup from her and sipped at the foam on top. With a wink to Margaret the nurse left the room.
___________
The night grew dark and still he sat watching her. Another day, another night trying not to sleep...not to dream. He hated the very thought of it but very soon his eyes slipped shut of their own accord.
"Mulder..."
"Mulder...!"
Sleepily Mulder lifted his head and looked towards his partner's voice...a voice that he knew wasn't coming from her body...but one that he heard nonetheless. He glanced over at Margaret and saw that she was still sleeping on the cot on the other side of the bed. She had not moved...had not heard her daughter's voice calling to him. But yet, Scully was there...standing right in front of him looking very frustrated and very beautiful and giving him that look that he always seemed to get when he acted like a jerk.
"Mulder, I will not lie there and let you do this to yourself. This," she said, motioning towards her own body lying in the hospital bed, "was not your fault. I should have been paying more attention...not worrying about where you were. You did not put the gun to my head Mulder; you did not put that bullet through my brain. You have to stop blaming yourself for everything that happens to me!"
"But Scully…I wasn't there! I asked you to be there and then I was late! If I had been on time none of this would have happened! I would have been there to save you, Scully" Mulder cried, " and you wouldn't be here…like this. I wouldn't have lost you. I would still have the time I needed to tell you how much you mean to me...that…that I love you, Scully." He swallowed hard trying to force back the steady rise of emotion…determined not to let this ethereal Scully see him cry like a baby.
She looked at him with eyes full of sadness and concern. "Mulder, you *did* save me. You got me here...and, I'm still alive. Mulder," she whispered. "I hope that we get another chance at this….but, Mulder if that chance never comes I want you to know...to know that...I love you, too. I have loved you for so long now but, I just couldn't bring myself to show it." she heard his sharp intake of breath and looked into his beautiful eyes willing him to see that she meant her words. "Mulder, you can't blame yourself for this. I can't bear to look down on you and see you killing yourself with guilt. I want you to eat and I want you to sleep. I need you to stay strong Mulder...help me find a way back." She gave him one last sad smile and then slowly faded away.
Mulder was suddenly awake…he was hot and cold at the same time…his senses tingled and his mind was almost achingly alert. What just happened? he thought to himself. Had Scully really just spoken to him? He got up to check the readout from the EEG and was disappointed to find that there had been no spike in brain activity. It was not physically possible that she had spoken and yet he was as certain of it as he had ever been about anything. His heart still felt the warmth of her words...she loved him...and for the first time in two weeks he knew that their bond was not broken.
He lifted his fingers and gently tucked an errant strand of red hair behind her ear, caressing the soft skin of her cheek in the process. He leaned over and gently touched his lips to her ear and whispered, "Come back to me Scully. I need to see you again." Then, as if in answer to his plea, she opened her eyes. Tears ran down his face as he cried out to her "Scully, Scully! I'm here! I knew you would come ba…" his words stopped short as his brain finally registered the emptiness he saw in her eyes. Oh God…she couldn't see him….she didn't know he was there. Suddenly he relived every detail of finding her in that car…that dead vacant stare...the icy blue of her catatonic eyes contrasting so sharply with the bright red blood that had covered every surface. He felt the bile rise in his throat as terror gripped his heart. He retched and stumbled from the stifling confines of her hospital room…careening down the stark white hallway amid the curious stares of the late night staff.
Mulder made his way outside and took in as much of the cool night air as his lungs would hold. He felt incredibly foolish...inwardly chiding himself for his earlier reaction. "It's still Scully, you idiot", he muttered out loud. He knew that if she could, she would tell him how stupid he was acting. 'Dammit, Mulder!', she would say, 'it doesn't exactly help me if you lose your lunch just from looking at me. That doesn't do a lot for a girl's self-esteem you know.' He pictured her in full "Mulder, you're an idiot" mode...and couldn't help but grin at the thought.
"I'm sorry, Scully," he said out loud. "You've never lost faith in me...and, I'm sure as hell not going to lose faith in you now." With those last words he picked himself up from the bench and slowly walked back into the hospital.
When he entered the room he found Margaret Scully sitting on her daughter's bed happily brushing her hair and talking to Scully as though she were able to speak back. She too had noticed the vacancy in her daughter's blue eyes…the way that she always seemed to be looking at something just out of their realm of understanding…but she didn't care. To her it was enough that her daughter was still there for her to touch and hold…even if her mind was still asleep. Mulder still felt ashamed at his earlier display but Margaret sensed his distress and said nothing. She gently laid her hand on his and then quietly left the room to give them some time alone.
Mulder sat with Scully for a long time trying to come to terms with this new reality. The doctors had told them that Scully was now in a "waking coma". He supposed that was better than a regular coma…that is if any one kind of coma could be considered better than another. At least her eyes were open now. He loved being able to see the eyes that he was so used to but he didn't think he would be losing himself in them anytime soon. He thought about the past 6 years with her…eye contact had always been such a vital part of their communication. They could tell each other almost anything with a look...a feat that caused no small amount of jealousy among the other agents at the F.B.I. Regardless of what they might say, they all wanted that kind of bond with their partners but there were very few who ever had anything like he had with Scully. He smiled inwardly remembering how she had laughed at his "panic face" the year before...too bad I didn't show you the "I love you" face while I was at it, Scully.
*You had me big-time*
He glanced at the EEG and felt encouraged that at she still had brain function although he did wish those little lines were bigger. He grinned as he imagined what Scully would say about her lines still being larger than his. "Scully," he said smoothing the hair away from her face "we're going to make it through this...just like just like we always do." Mulder leaned down, kissed her forehead and then left to find Mrs. Scully...they had to talk about the future.
The doctors released Dana Scully from the hospital a mere twenty-three days after the shooting that almost ended her life. They recommended that she be placed into a home for the permanently disabled for as long as she remained in her current mental state. There was nothing that she could do without assistance. Every small and insignificant thing that a normally functioning person would probably take for granted now had to be done for her. She was like an adult sized infant…one that might not ever grow up. Neither Margaret nor Mulder could come to terms with committing Dana to some institution. Mulder knew that Scully would be humiliated by the mere thought of someone helping her in such intimate ways and he could not stomach the thought of that person not being him. He loved her and in the future, when she finally returned to him, it would matter to her that he had been there. Mulder therefore insisted that he be the one to take care of her full time and no amount of argument from Margaret Scully (or any other Scully for that matter) could convince him otherwise. It was finally decided much to the chagrin of Bill Jr that he would take Scully to his family's summer cabin in Quonochautaug, Rhode Island. He would stay there with her full time and Margaret would come up on weekends to visit and help out.
____________
It was a good arrangement and one that Margaret Scully was comfortable with even if her over-protective son Bill wasn't. She knew that Fox would take care of Dana as well as she could and she had known for several years just how much he loved her daughter…as well as how much Dana loved him. Why they had never expressed that love to each other was more than she could understand. It broke her heart to watch him with her sometimes…even when her own grief was almost more than she could cope with. She hoped that he had prepared himself that the Dana that they all knew and loved might not ever return as she had been. God knows that she had already prepared herself for what seemed to be that inevitability. She had already lost one daughter this way...at least Dana was still alive.
She helped Mulder get Dana settled into her room and stayed on for a few days to make sure that Fox had everything well in hand. Of course she soon found that he needed no help. He seemed as adept at taking care of her daughter as the most efficient of medical personnel and she noted that his added strength and size were a plus.
He could use definitely use some pointers cooking, she thought with a wry smile, but Dana didn't seem to mind it.
"I'll see you in a couple of days Fox," she said as she turned to leave. "Call me if you need me, okay?"
___________
"Don't worry Mrs. Scully, I have everything under control here. She'll be fine." He gave her a quick and somewhat awkward hug and watched her leave before he turned and went back inside.
The seaside cabin was simple and although it had not been used in a long while, it had everything they needed. He hoped that its proximity to the Atlantic would be soothing to her as well as stimulating to her mind. Scully had always loved the ocean, he thought bitterly to himself. He should have taken her there more…not simply because they were in the middle of some investigation…but just to show her that he cared and wanted her to be happy. What he would now give to have just one of those days back...he wouldn't make the same mistakes again.
The days passed quietly…one day into the next. Mulder and Scully settled into a somewhat comfortable routine of domestic life.
When he thought about it he really didn't miss his old life like he thought he would. Hell, at least he got to fall asleep next to his beautiful partner every night…too bad she didn't know he was there.
"Come on Scully," he said, "it's time for you wake up and tell me off. I miss not having anyone to argue with. What would you do if you're sometimes misdirected albeit brilliant partner lost his touch?!" He watched her for any sign of recognition but there was nothing in her eyes…just the same blank stare that he always got in reply.
It's okay Scully, he thought, maybe next time.
Scully was getting thinner. He could tell the difference when he lifted her …she seemed nothing more than skin stretched over bone. Her once vibrant hair had turned dull and brittle and the body that she had taken so much pride in keeping strong had begun to weaken. He felt inadequate in his care even though he knew in his mind that he was doing everything he could. He just couldn't bear to watch her waste away in front of his eyes.
Scully's doctor tried to be reassuring after her weekly examination. "We see this with almost all patients in this condition, Mr. Mulder. You're doing everything that you can possibly do for her...it's just that the body has an uncanny way of recognizing when things just aren't right and it responds accordingly. Unfortunately if the weight loss continues we might have to put her on a feeding tube...let's just keep a close eye on her from here on out."
Mulder's heart was sick at the thought…the last thing he wanted was to see her hooked up to a feeding tube and confined to her bed. Scully would hate that...she never wanted to live that way. He didn't know how long he could keep fooling himself. Nothing he did seemed to be working…she didn't seem any closer to coming back to him now than she had almost three months ago. Fighting back tears and feeling more depressed than he had since he brought her home, he checked on Scully sleeping peacefully in their room, and went into the kitchen to start dinner.
Mulder slumped heavily into the chair and eyed the food that was simmering on the stove. Lack of proper sleep and a dramatic increase in his normal physical activity made his bones tired and his body ache. He didn't know how much more he could take and, even though he never considered himself a religious person…not like Scully anyway…his heart silently begged for a miracle.
He woke 20 minutes later to the shrill sound of the oven timer and sleepily pulled himself to his feet. Dinner's ready, he thought, better go get Scully. He wandered down the hallway to their room and flicked on the light.
"What the hell?!" he said out loud as he stared down at the very empty bed.
In a panic he began to search the house for her. He knew she couldn't have gone far alone…she was too weak and she had not been able to walk unassisted since the shooting. He finally found her lying in a heap just inside the bathroom…his heart clenched in fear when he noticed the thin trickle of blood at her hairline. He felt a weak pulse at her throat. "Scully!" he said, gently shaking her "Scully…open your eyes!" Oh shit "Come on Scully….don't do this to me! You can't die now…I won't let you…we still have so much to do! Stay with me!" His urgent pleas continued as he lifted her thin body and carried her back to the bed. Lying down next to her he cradled her in his arms and drew a ragged breath. "Scully, you know I can't…I won't…live without you. If you go, I go too." He sobbed with agony into the softness of her hair until he had no more tears left to shed. Finally, too exhausted to move, he fell asleep clutching her body next to his.
________________
She opened her eyes to pitch black darkness…the kind that she didn't see in the city…so she instantly knew that either she wasn't in her apartment or she was dreaming. And…because she instinctively knew that she was not in the bed alone, she knew it had to be a dream....obviously her favorite one in which she wakes up nestled in Mulder's arms. Only in a dream could she hope to wake up as warm, comfortable, and content as this. He shifted a little closer to her and she, in turn, inched back some against him…enjoying the feel of his decidedly masculine body pressed intimately against hers.
Okay, Dana, she sighed disappointedly to herself, enough enjoyment for one dream. She grinned. If she let this continue she would find it hard to look at him at work Monday. She pictured the red face that she would undoubtedly have and laughed noticing with some alarm that the simple movement made her head ache…terribly. Okay…maybe not such a good dream anymore. She gingerly reached up and touched her forehead and was surprised to find the sticky residue of blood on her fingertip. Oh no, what was going on? Had her cancer returned?! No, that's the wrong place for blood, she reassured herself while doing her best to calm down.
Dana…her mind said, I don't think you're dreaming. She glanced confusedly around her trying to make sense of it all. Okay, she thought, if this isn't a dream the pain in her head was real and….she really was...oh shit in the bed with Mulder!
She struggled to remember just how they had come to be there together like this but could find nothing in her memory to explain it. In fact, she found she wasn't able to remember anything at all after their surveillance. Hell, she didn't even remember the surveillance! She had been in her car waiting for Mulder to get there. He was late, as usual, and she had just decided to leave when she heard a loud noise…like a gunshot… and then…nothing…just nothing.
Oh god, she thought fighting the rising panic, what happened to me? She felt the tears begin to well up in her eyes. "Mulder…please wake up," she plead…her voice shaking with fear. "I need your help…I…I can't remember anything!"
____________________
Mulder came to in the front seat of his FBI sedan, banging his head against the window in the process as he jerked to full awareness…senses tingling…Scully was in trouble…she needed him!
"What the hell?!" he said out loud realizing that he was not in the bed with Scully but rather alone in the dark front seat of a car he hadn't been in for three months. The last thing he remembered was holding Scully after she fell…she had been dying in his arms…and he could do nothing to stop it. Wait a minute, he thought as his eyes widened in realization. No! It's just not possible. Had the last three horrible months of his life been nothing more than a dream?
He hesitated and then slowly glanced down at his watch painfully confirming his suspicions. It was indeed still February and he should have met Scully eleven minutes ago for their surveillance. This was the night that Scully would be shot. No! his mind screamed, it would not happen again…he wouldn't let it! He grabbed the phone from his pocket and turned it on. Only 2 missed calls. Good. Quickly dialing her number he waited as the phone connected and began to ring...
"Dammit, pick up Scully, pick up!!!" he yelled...startling himself in the dense quiet of his car. Finally he heard a click and her wonderfully irate voice graced his ear.
"Mulder, where the hell are you?!"
He didn't give her time to begin her tirade.
"Listen to me Scully!" he yelled into the phone "Start your car and get out of there NOW!"
"Mulder...what are you talking about?!!" she yelled back at him. "I'm waiting for you to get he-"
Again he interrupted her...desperately trying to make her listen to him.
"Scully...don't argue with me...just listen to me. Get off of that lot NOW!! I'm on the way to your apartment...meet me there...and, Scully, don't hang up this phone until you are safe and on your way to me."
Scully knew better than to doubt her partner's instincts...especially when she heard that tone in his voice. She had heard it several times in their years together and it usually meant that her life was in some kind of danger. Without stopping to think about it, she dropped her phone, started the engine and drove from the lot as quickly as possible. As soon as she had her car pointed towards home she reached down for the cell phone that was lying forgotten in the seat next to her.
She could hear Mulder's already frantic voice, loud, on the other end...
"Scully! Are you still there? Scully, answer me!!!"
"I'm here Mulder," she soothed. "I'm fine. I'm off the lot and I'm headed to my apartment to meet you. Now will you please tell me what the hell is going on?!"
He expelled the long breath he had been holding and tried to answer her over the hard lump that had formed in his throat.
"M'ok Scully," he whispered. "Let's just talk about it at your apartment...okay? Oh...and Scully...please don't hang up the phone. You don't have to talk if you don't want to...just don't hang up 'till you get home."
She heard that his voice was hoarse with emotion and wondered what in the world had happened to him that had affected him so. Still, she did as he asked and kept her phone connected with his...letting him hear her breathe...until she arrived at her apartment to find him waiting for her.
She parked close to his car, whispered, "I'm here, Mulder" into the phone and let the call disconnect. She could see him still sitting behind the wheel of his car…his head in his hands. She wondered what was wrong with him…worrying that he might be sick or hurt. She walked to his car, opened his door and crouched down next to him. She could see that he had been crying…his eyes were still red and his lashes moist. She gripped his hand and looked at him letting him see the concern on her face.
"Mulder, what's wrong? I'm really worried about you. I think you might be going into shock." She did her best to check his pulse but, Mulder shook her hand off of his arm not quite ready to talk to her yet. "Let's just go inside, Scully. I'll tell you everything there."
The two agents walked companionably inside and deposited their coats by the front door. Scully made Mulder sit on the couch, emptied the contents of her pockets onto the coffee table and went into the kitchen to make them some coffee. She had no idea what he was about to tell her but she had the feeling that they would be awake for a while. Oh well, it's a good thing we don't have to work tomorrow, she thought letting out an exhausted sigh.
Scully took her place on the couch next to Mulder, placing a steaming cup of coffee on the table in front of each of them and then laid her hand on the side of his face forcing him to look at her.
"Okay, Mulder. It's time to tell me what's going on…I can't stand the suspense," she half-heartedly joked with him.
He took a deep breath. "Scully…" he said taking her hand in his, "something happened to me tonight and I don't really understand it." He stopped to take a sip of coffee before he continued. "I got a call from an informant about 30 minutes before I was supposed to meet you. I planned on meeting him and then being able to get to you without being too late…but, as it turned out, I was really late."
"Mulder, what are you talking about?" she said sounding quite confused "we didn't even do the surveillance…! You called and told me to leave…"
"No, Scully," he placed a finger over her lips to quiet her, "I was late and…and…you almost died because of it. Someone shot you, Scully…in the head." He began to cry. "I couldn't do anything to help you. You were still alive…somehow….but you were…gone. You wouldn't wake up but, then you did….you just weren't you anymore. I took you to my cabin to take care of you but then you fell and hit your head. You were literally dying in my arms, Scully." he cried, tears sliding down his cheeks. "I couldn't stop it. I told you that if you went…I went too. I know up here," he said motioning to his head, "that it was just a horrible dream, Scully, but when it was happening it was so real. I believed it was happening. I literally feel like I've been through three months of hell…and then I find out it was only one night…and it never really happened."
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Scully sat next to him and held his hands in hers as he slowly and painfully relayed the details from the last three months of his life that never happened. She found herself shaking when he came to the end...not believing what he had gone through...what he had given up...for her. The depth of his sacrifice along with his apparent need for her rocked her to the depths of her soul...even if it had only been in a dream. She allowed him to pull her close...to hold her tightly against his chest as they both cried. She didn't fully understand the scope of what he felt he had gone through but, she knew he needed her and she needed him.
They stayed in each other's arms for a long time…neither of them wanting to be the first to break the contact between them…but, eventually Scully loosened her grip and slowly pulled back away from him. She knew she had to tell him something and she needed to be fully composed before she began.
"Mulder, first of all let me assure you that I am not dead." She lifted his hand and placed it on the side of her head. "See…no extra holes up there." She grinned at him and his eyes smiled back into hers. "Look Mulder, I don't really know what happened tonight or why it happened or how to explain it but I've got something to confess to you. I…uh…I fell asleep tonight before I left here to meet you. I know that you probably won't believe this but…I…I had the same dream, Mulder."
Mulder's head jerked upwards and he tried to wrap his mind around what she had just said.
Scully looked backed at him, shifted uneasily and then continued. "Obviously it wasn't exactly the same for me as it was for you. I can only remember small pieces. For instance, I remember sitting in my car on the parking lot and being very frustrated with you for not being there on time. I remember getting ready to leave…hearing something…maybe a gunshot, I don't know for sure… and then nothing…the lights just went out. Then I remember having an awful headache when I woke up in the bed...with you." her face coloring of its own accord as she vividly remembered the last few minutes of the dream. "Then I just woke up…right here, in my own bed. Honestly I didn't think that much about it. I mean, I'm kind of used to having bad dreams." She instantly regretted that revelation as she noticed the guilty look in his eyes. "It's not your fault, Mulder," she said with an exasperated sigh. "I admit that I was a little uncomfortable when I was alone on that parking lot tonight…the similarities were frightening…but, nothing happened, Mulder. Everything is okay."
Mulder grabbed her by the shoulders and looked straight into her eyes. "Come on, Scully! You know as well as I do what would have happened if you had stayed there tonight! This wasn't a coincidence, Scully. I know it wasn't…and, I…I can still *feel* what happened to you."
Scully nervously avoided his eyes, knowing somehow that he was right.
Mulder drew a ragged breath and continued. "That's why I have to tell you something right now…before anything else is said. I…I love you, Scully. I have loved you for such a long time now but I guess I never thought the time was right to tell you." Scully's eyes widened with the realization of what he was saying to her. "Now I understand that there never will be a "right" time and I can't bear to waste anymore years. I love you Scully…oh god, I love you so much…and, I want you to know that I don't want anything more in my life but to be with you, to protect you, to keep you safe and to be your strength…just as you have been mine."
"Oh Mulder" she said, her eyes glistening with unshed tears, "I had no idea that you felt that way about me. I'm…sorry…" His eyes glazed over in anticipation of what he thought she was about to say but she only smiled. "I'm sorry that I haven't told you before that…that I love you too, Mulder."
She went to him and put her arms around his waist...resting her head against his chest as his chin found the spot it was ready made for on top of her head.
Hell, the hard part's over now, Mulder thought. He swallowed hard, lifted her chin with his finger and finished what he knew he should have done a year ago in the hallway outside of his apartment. He felt her body sag against him as he slowly broke the connection with her lips and stared down into her eyes, noticing the lovely flush that spread over her face. She smiled up at him and he took her back into his arms wrapping his arms around her and fitting her body snugly against his own.
"Hey...what's that?" Mulder asked, looking in the direction of the coffee table. His attention momentarily diverted, he dropped his arms and moved towards the object that had caught his eye, laughing at the very unScully-like snort that came from his disgruntled partner.
"Mulder, whatever that is sure as hell be important!" she muttered as she followed him to the table.
"Hey, Scully..," he asked leaning over to scoop the medallion up from its resting place. "Where'd you get this?"
He sat down heavily on the couch and reached up to pull her down next to him.
"Oh that? It was a gift from your 'holy man', Mulder", she answered, grinning at him. "I guess he was trying to make up for that remark he made as we were leaving. It arrived at the office this morning."
Scully took the medallion from his fingers and turned it back and forth...catching the light on both sides. "It's quite nice, isn't it? I have no idea what it's supposed to be but, I like it anyway."
Mulder leaned back against the cushion and fished around in his pocket...soon producing a medallion that looked suspiciously like the one she was holding.
"Hey!" she yelled, grinning at his boyish enthusiasm as he yanked the medallion from her fingers and held it up next to his own. Both halves when held together formed the perfect image of a bird in flight, each wing adorned with a tiny flame.
"Yeah, just like I thought," he said excitedly, "a perfect match.
Mulder held the two pieces out for her to see. "Mine came yesterday. I meant to show it to you but, I guess I never got around to it. I wonder what they're supposed to mean?"
"I don't know, Mulder.." she replied self-consciously.
Scully carefully studied the two pieces...not wanting to accept what her mind was telling her was true. She struggled to make sense of it...she didn't really believe in this kind of stuff...*did she?*
'Oh, the hell with it, Dana,' she thought to herself, 'if you're not ready to believe now you never will be!"
Taking a deep breath she plunged in. "Mulder, didn't he tell us that the bird was a symbol for the soul?" she glanced up and found him staring intently at her. She swallowed pass the knot that had formed in her throat and continued, "maybe... maybe we're like twin flames, Mulder...maybe it means that our souls are *supposed* to be together."
Mulder looked at her, unable to hide his obvious surprise at her admission and grinned when she promptly turned a luscious shade of red.
"Hey Scully...," he teased "don't look now but, I think your face is clashing with your hair."
He ducked the pillow that flew by his head and pulled his pouting partner tight against his chest bending to kiss the top of her head.
"You're right Scully," he whispered, "I believe that's *exactly* what they mean."
He looked down and found her eyes...claiming them with his own and speaking to her in the language that was real to only them...telling her how much she was loved...that he would always be there, protect her and if necessary, die for her. His arms encircled her...lending to her his strength as she weakened in the knowledge that he had made so very clear to her.
Guess she finally got to see my 'I love you' face!...he thought, grinning broadly.
Mulder," she breathed up at him, her senses still reeling, "why do you look like the cat that just ate the canary?"
He laughed and scooped her up into his arms...kissing her once more on the nose before carrying her into the bedroom.
"Hey Scully, I'll be the cat...if you'll be the canary..."
and he pushed the door closed behind them.
In the darkness of the empty room...the two ancient pieces of metal began to glow…feeding one off of the other as a candle feeds a flame. Slowly they began to move...each of their own accord...one towards the other...until at long last they touched. In a brilliant flash of light, the halves - the two that were yet one - joined - melting into the other in a mass of molten radiance.
Two halves became whole...never again to be apart...for one could not truly exist without the other.
On the other side of town, an old man smiled...and went to sleep.
The End