An Incredible Burden
By Meow
Late that night, after playing at a club, Matt found himself on the roof of his apartment building, looking down at the snowy streets far below him. Even though it was almost three in the morning and in the middle of winter the street swere still packed full of Japanese citizens hurrying along with the bustle of people who had much to do and absolutely no time to do it. . .Matt couldn't find it in him to understand.
He knew some of them were Catholic, like his mother and he and his brother, TK. They were probably out Christmas shopping. Matt treid not to, but an idealized picture of a Christmas gathering hung in front of him tantalizingly.
He'd thought of it for a long time now. . .the deception it held. There was a photograph not unlike this daydream in his mother's photo albums, one of two boys, their mother and their father opening presents. Matt and TK's father's disagreement with their mother about religon wasn't only a factor of their divorce, and Matt didn't sometimes wonder if it was an excuse. His mother never talked about life before, but Matt knew that about the time that TK came into their lives things were already going sour.
He brought them hope, Matt thought cynically. Maybe that was why his mom had chosed TK over him, although she'd tried to explain it to him afterwards. I'm so sorry to leave you, Matty-boy, but TK needs me. I'm trusting you to be strong for me, all right, honey? When everything is a little more straightened out I'll fight to get you with me. TK is just so little. You're my little man. I can trust you.
You sure as Hell could, Matt thought angrily. I stayed strong for you, all through my entire life. The digital world is just a chapter of it. How much did I suffer because of what you said to me? The false hope you gave me?
Matt remembered the first Christmas after the divorce. His father had been working, and he'd been home alone. The five year old Matt had curled up in the chilly, one room apartment and sung Christmas carols to himself to distract him from thinking of TK and his little brother's golden life. . .but nothing helped. After a while he'd drifted into sleep. . .
But I didn't cry.
He never cried.
He had to be strong.
Even after knowing Gabumon, he couldn't quite bring himself to release the barriers that had eclipsed his mind for so long. Four years was a long time to remember a lesson, and when there was no one there to help him remember. . .sometimes it was like a living thing that lived in his chest that would make the most innocent smile or touch between two others like a slap. . .it had been less painful to travel, days on end, without food and on aching feet and legs. Then there'd been an enemy that he could focus on and hate, one that he could despise.
Now there was nothing.
Matt leaned over the high ledge, a smile tugging his lips. What a sight it would be to fall? Carefully he swung his legs over the ledge and sat there. How would that dampen the Christmas celebration of the Catholic Japanese citizens? What would his mother say? TK?
Thinking of his brother was the equivelent of dropping a wet blanket onto his suicidal thoughts. He couldn't abandon TK again. His little brother needed him, although Matt had yet to figure out what for.
Matt sighed. Still, it was tempting. Just lean forward a bit too much. A bit, that was all it would take. A few inches, now centimeters, no don't think of TK. . .just lean forward a bit more. . .a bit. . .
A strong hand gripped his shoulder and yanked him back, pulling him on top of the person. Angrily Matt twisted to his feet, glaring at his recuer.
Medium brown hair, dark brown eyes, tanned skin even in the middle of winter, and a strong hand wrapped around his bicep.
"What the Hell was that for?" Matt snarled angrily to Tai.
Tai released Matt's arm and stood easily. "You looked like you were going to fall," Tai said. "I don't think that you realized it."
Matt snapped something unintelligable under his breath and turned away, glancing over the ledge at the street that was now hidden from his veiw. Hell, he didn't have anything to lose. "As a matter of fact, I did realize it. Thanks so much for interrupting, Tai."
Tai sighed. "Matt-"
"Don't even start," Matt said, cutting him off. "I don't need to hear the same thing from you and your girlfriend twice in one day."
Tai sighed again. "Yea, Sora said that she'd talked to you. Matt listen to me," Tai said, putting his hand on Matt's shoulder-
Matt grinned faintly. "Just like in the digital world, right Tai? You know what, I think you should just get the fuck away from me before I throw you over the ledge. I don't owe you anything, Tai."
Tai's gaze, broing as it was into the back of Matt's head, his hair still damp from his gig, went icy. "You wouldn't do that."
Matt's arm suddenly shot out, then he jerked Tai in front of him, Tai's back a foot from the ledge that Matt had been sitting on, the one that kept him from life and a very painful death. "Wanna bet?"
Tai felt his heart begin to thud in his chest. Matt's blue eyes were snapping with fury, capable of anything. Tai knew that he could jerk away - Matt wasn't stronger than him - but he didn't.
"Matt," he said, focusing on Matt's eyes, hidden as they were by a fringe of blond bangs. "Dude, what's up with you man? You've been like this for months-"
"A lot longer than that," Matt interupted. "You just never noticed. I never told you. You aren't as much of my freind as you think you are."
Tai narrowed his eyes. "Apparently not," he said. "I didn't think you were crazy, Matt."
Matt smiled coldly. "What makes you think I'm crazy?" he asked. "I've never been more rational in my life." He moved suddenly, half throwing Tai back to the door that was still open. "Get away from me," Matt said, sitting again on the ledge. "If you think you've got the guts then you can call the police. But I'm not worried."
Tai picked himself up off the ground and turned away from his friend, walking back into the stairway. There was one person who he thought might be able to help Matt. . .if she came, and she must, by her own accord.
Lili slipped her hood off, shaking her long black hair free. Her different colored gaze was focused on the dark clad form hunched over, his back to her. Carefully, silently, Lili walked close to him, keeping her steps silent but slow so that Matt would see her. She looked past him, at the building across the street, less then well kept, the only thing she could see.
Matt saw the movement out of the corner of his eyes. An ironic smile twisted his face as he remembered his vision - what a laugh that was! - and watched more cars slowly drive down the street.
"Did Tai call you?" Matt asked, expecting TK from the height and slender build of the figure behind him.
"No, actually," Lili replied. "I just had a bad feeling about something." Matt didn't let an expression of any kind cross his face. "So it took a bad feeling to make you come see me?"
Lili tilted her head and looked at him, her pale skin faintly visable in the street lights. Snow started to fall around the two of them. "It took a bad feeling to get me to lie to my mom and get away on Christmas Eve, if that's what you mean, expecially at four at night."
Matt laughed quietly. "You probably think I'm being selfish, don't you?"
Lili sat on the ledge, facing the opposite direction, but she looked into Matt's eyes, even though he avoided her gaze. "Why would I think a thing like that?"
"It's Christmas Eve," Matt said dully. He glanced at Lili furitively, then glanced away. That thing in his chest was acting up again, although it was behaving strangely.
"So?" Lili said. "A holiday is a day like any other. Bad feelings don't wait around for days that we term unimportant."
Matt nodded. It's just a bad feeling, he told himself. It'll go away.
"If that's true, then how come I feel it every single day?" Matt's voice was rough. He wanted nothing more than to cry. . .but of course he couldn't. Lili was there.
Lili blinked. "I don't know, Matt," she said quietly. "But I know what you mean."
Now Lili glanced away, uncomfortable with sharing her emotions with anyone, even someone who'd been there for her during her greatest battle in the digital world, the battle that had wreaked havoc on her mind and body for weeks. . .and even now it's dark effects lingered on in her soul. . .
Matt glanced at her. He loved her. There was no denying it anymore. . .he'd hoped she would come. . .he'd almost reached out to her. . .he still wanted to. No denying it.
Lili took a deep breath and, gathering her wits, glanced at Matt. They're gazes locked, tears burning in Matt's blue eyes, but he was so. . .unable. . .to. . .pull. . .away. . .
"I understand," Lili whispered. "I know what you're feeling. . .I feel it everyday, too. It's like there's something in you reminding you why you can't have a normal, happy life. . .mocking you with broken promises. . .
"And forgotten dreams. . ." Matt finished.
Lili nodded, her embarassment forgotten in the intensity and passion of her emotions. "That's it exactly," she said. She slid to the ground, then held out her hand. "Won't you come with me Matt?" she asked when he didn't move, her voice not that of a young woman but that of a small child.
Matt shut his eyes, strong emotions welling up inside of him. "I don't know if I can," he said, his voice choked.
"I know you can," Lili said. "I believe in you."
"It's just. . ." Matt trailed off. "I'm tired of feeling like this. . ."
"It can go away," Lili said. "Just come with me. That's all you have to do."
Matt felt weakness in every limb, every part of his body. His hair drifted in front of his face, hiding the tears that clung to his thick lashes.
Lili realized that he couldn't. She took a deep breath, then took his hands, tugging him to her, gently, his legs sliding out to catch him at the last moment, his balance wavering and he landed in Lili's arms. He didn't pull away, but he wrapped his arms around her waist, feeling as if he was drawing from her endless supply of strength, the strength that had carried her through her own personal Hell into his life.
Lili wrapped her arms around his shoulders, holding him tightly, giving him what comfort she could. The wind around them picked up, like a silent symphony, as if all the emotion and excitement contained in a musical note had jumped free of their prison and now swirled around the two teens.
After a moment she loosened her grip on him, only to press her lips to his, drinking in the warmth that only he could provide.
Matt shivered lightly with the incredible rush of it all. . .he gathered Lili's hair in his hands, some of the strands a bit tangled and rough but the others silky and softer than anything he'd ever felt. . .no silk or velvet could compare to the feeling. His lips moved down from her lips to her neck, then he gently brushed his teeth against her collarbone, feeling her bones under her soft, pale skin. He released her hair, his palms easing down her back as he hair sprang around them, prodded by the wind, covering his arms as he kissed her forehead, her closed eyes, then her lips once more. Lili's hands, resting on his shoulders, shook slightly, from the cold breeze and the feelings raging in her chest.
"Lili," Matt whispered as he moved his lips away from hers, his breath warm against her skin.
"Yes?" Lili asked, looking up at him, her intense gaze capturing his own gaze and holding it as a willing captive.
"I love you," he choked out softly. "I wanted to tell you."
Lili pulled his close to her again, kissing him once more, pressing her body into his, the ledge digging into Matt's back but it was no longer the line between his life and his death. . .it was only a ledge now, and the moment had passed and a new world had been opened to them both. . .
"I love you too, Matt. . ."
It's strange. . .some of us are chosen, at the youngest age, to lead a life apart from others. . .those of us who are never get the chances the rest of us do. . .they are forced to travel along different paths and veiw our worlds with envious eyes and hear our melodies with wistful sighs. . .but sometimes, those of us who are chosen, they can create their own music. . .and we listen to it as we stare into the night sky and marvel at it's depth. . .and we see them as we see the stars. . .creatures above us all, given a light to carry, and carry it they do. . .an incredible burden to bear.
And then a hero comes along
With the strength to carry on
And you cast your fears aside
And you know you can survive
So when you feel like hope is gone
Look inside you and be strong
And you'll finally see the truth
That a hero lies in you