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Guilt and Forgiveness
by Alternate Ego
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It was one in the morning. And Elizabeth couldn't for the life of her fall asleep.
She'd been tossing restlessly in her bed for a good four hours now; but her mind refused to shut down. No matter how she tried to distract it, it strayed back to one event, one thing, one person.
Namely, a certain Dr. Rodney McKay.
Sighing, Elizabeth threw aside the blankets, sitting up and scrubbing her face with her hands. It was pointless. The emotions that had raged in her through the day were as fresh now as they had been then.
The betrayal of being corned by John and Caldwell. The agonizing worry. The crippling relief.
And the anger. Oh, there had been plenty of anger. At Rodney, at John, at Colonel Caldwell, for pushing her into this situation she hated... but mostly at herself. And she'd taken it out on Rodney.
"You destroyed three quarters of a solar system!"
"Well, five sixths. It's not an exact science."
"Rodney, can you give your ego a rest for one second?!"
He'd deserved the berating, yes. But the look on his face when she'd dismissed him from her office, her manner cold and brusque... he'd been crushed. Devastated. Like a lost puppy who'd been kicked and didn't quite understand why.
Rodney knew he'd messed up; of that, Elizabeth had no doubt. But he had apologized to her, earnestly and ashamedly, and had expected everything to be okay again, right away. But Elizabeth couldn't do that. She couldn't let go of her anger so quickly.
She wondered what the physicist was doing now. Probably burying himself in his work, even at this hour, as if it could help him atone for his mistakes. She felt a stab at the thought; of Rodney working in the labs, alone, only his laptop and Ancient machines to keep him company. The image pulled at her heartstrings painfully.
Elizabeth stood, walking to the door of her room. She hesitated at the exit, though, lingering in the doorway. Should she go check? What if he was there? What would she say?
Doubt settled in, and she almost turned around, back to the welcoming warmth of her bed. But that was pointless. She couldn't sleep, anyway. Might was well go and see.
Mind made up, she headed down the hallway, bare feet padding softly against the cool floors of Atlantis.
Pausing at the doorway of Rodney's lab, Elizabeth called, "Rodney?"
No response. Elizabeth hoped that it was because he was in his quarters, getting some well-needed rest. But as she walked deeper inside the lab, the hunched figure slumped lifelessly on the desk hinted otherwise.
Coming closer, Elizabeth saw that the figure was Rodney. He was asleep, head resting on the keyboard of his laptop, mouth open just slightly. There were dark circles under his eyes, the lines on his face accentuated by the light of the dim lamp as he frowned and mumbled something incoherent in his dreams. Elizabeth smiled, a touch sadly. Rodney McKay was the only person she'd ever know to frown even in slumber.
There was a half-empty mug of cold coffee by the laptop; a few feet away there was a coffee pot that was all but empty, a mound of crumpled power bar wrappers next to it. Elizabeth sighed, murmuring, "Oh, Rodney, what have you done to yourself this time?" Apparently, gone and abused his limits and his health – yet again.
She frowned, catching sight of a post-it note stuck to the side of Rodney's laptop. Careful not to disturb the sleeping scientist, she plucked the note from the laptop for a closer look.
It was a list, scratched out in an impatient, brisk scrawl that so fitted Rodney's personality. As her eyes skimmed down it, a lump formed in her throat.
TO DO
Finish reading the reports
Project 12, needs reviewing
Gate diagnostics
Get a minion to check up the naquida generators
And down at the very end...
Figure out a way to win back Sheppard's trust
Gain Elizabeth's forgiveness
Elizabeth pressed the back of her thumb to her mouth, eyes softening as they fell upon Rodney's form, trying to swallow back the lump in her throat.
It was strange. He'd destroyed three-quarters of a solar system, and she was the one feeling guilty.
"I'm trying to tell you I know Rodney McKay and there are times when I have to protect him from himself."
She'd failed him, not the other way around. She'd known that he was out of his league, and she hadn't stopped him. She might have tried, but in the end, it hadn't been enough.
If John hadn't been there... she didn't even want to think about what would've happened.
Sighing softly, Elizabeth placed the list back on the table, reaching out a hand towards Rodney. She hesitated, though, not even sure what she wanted to do with it. Wake him up? He would have back pain in the morning if he slept all night like that... but then again, he probably wouldn't want to go back to sleep if he woke up.
Elizabeth stared at him, and her hand, hovering inches away from his shoulder. And then she had an idea.
Turning away, she quickly exited the lab, heading towards her own quarters. Once there, she grabbed a spare blanket and pillow, tucking them under her arm before setting back to Rodney's lab.
He was still asleep when she got back. Carefully, Elizabeth began to slide the laptop out from under his head, replacing it with the pillow. He stirred slightly, the frown deepening, but she placed a hand on his temple, running her fingers soothingly through his hair. He calmed down almost immediately, his face relaxing a fraction.
Elizabeth spread the blanket over him and stepped back. It might have been just her, but she thought he looked happier than she'd seen him since Doranda.
There was just one more thing to do.
Thirty seconds later, Elizabeth stepped back, satisfied with her work. Giving Rodney one last soft glance and touching his face briefly, she left.
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Rodney awoke to a stiff back and aching shoulders. Groaning, he opened his eyes – and was surprised to see a pillow cushioning his head rather than the usual hard keyboard of his laptop.
Frowning, he straightened slowly, touching the blanket that was wrapped around his shoulders. Strange. So somebody had decided to make him comfortable for the night. He wondered who...
Stretching, Rodney yawned and put the pillow aside to clear his desk. As his eyes swept over the lab, half-hoping to find a hint of who'd been the good Samaritan, he caught sight of his To-Do list. It should have been on his laptop. It wasn't.
He picked it up. What he saw made his stomach back-flip.
TO DO
Finish reading the reports
Project 12, needs reviewing
Gate diagnostics
Gain Elizabeth's forgiveness
Already done.
He froze, staring at the crossed out item and the two single words beneath it. For several long moments, he didn't move, feeling the warmth of the blanket around his shoulders. Then the warmth started seeping into his body, and a half-smile formed on his face as relief washed across him in waves.
On down, one to go.
-Fin-
A/N: Stupid ff . net doesn't have the strike-through feature. -growls-
A/N II: Okay, so it's not the chapter 7 for 'Of Cat Ears and Fangs' I promised ages ago. I'm working on it, I promise... in the meantime, I hope you enjoyed this little snippet, at least.
And Happy New Years, people! Reviews are love.