Deep breaths.

That's all I needed, right? Deep breaths. I can do this.

Breathe, Harry.

Fucking breathe.

"6 years ago this young man announced to the world that he was in love with his band-mate. Since then he received so much hate that he and his partner Louis Tomlinson have been hiding away from all paparazzi. For the first time in 6 and a half years, he is now ready to make his return. Please welcome Harry Styles!"

I can't breathe.

Cheering, screaming, clapping, chanting.

You can do this. Start walking.

Breathe.

Okay, you can exhale. Don't suffocate yourself, jeez.

I walked out.

Flashes. Lights. People. So familiar, so welcoming.

Smiling faces everywhere. Banners and posters saying "We support you, Harry!", "Don't be afraid", "We love you both" and maybe I can do this.

Okay, smile. No, not like that, it looks like you're farting. Bigger smile.

There we go.

The interviewer is right there. Why don't I recognize her face?

Shake hands. Sit down.

Good boy.

"Harry! How have you been?"

Too many lights. There's too many, I can't see. Can't breathe.

"I've been well, thanks." Bit shaky. Work on it.

"I think we're all confused and a bit curious about the past 6 years. Care to elaborate on your disappearance?" Her smile is too big. Too sweet. Why is she so excited?

This is what you came for. Speak.

"Um, I guess it got a bit too much. All the-" breathe. It's okay, "-messages"

"And are you ready to come back out now? I think it's safe to say that the world has missed you."

Not true. Half the world thinks I'm disgusting.

Give a little chuckle, you're supposed to be the charming one. "Yeah, I think that if we still have the support, we can get back in the music business."

"Speaking of 'we'-" Christ, that's a horrible subject changer. "How is Louis?"

Oh, look. That's a pretty smile. Keep it there. Don't break out.

"Louis' great. He's good."

"You two still dating, then?"

There's that cheeky little smirk.

"Married, actually."

Screams everywhere.

"Married! When?"

"About 4 years ago. We have a son, too. Little Eric. He's two."

The crowd aww'd. I missed this.

"So you two disappeared for half a dozen years and come back married and as parents? And gave us no pictures? I must say that's a bit rude," she tried to joke.

Not rude. Just private. That's why we were hiding. Duh.

Also other reasons. Don't think about that just yet.

Be nice. Funny. Charming. "We do apologies sincerely, but the break was necessary."

"What about the rest of the boys? Liam, Niall and Zayn, are you still in contact with them?"

Was giving their names really necessary? I think everyone knows who you're implying to.

Hush.

"Of course, they're still my absolute best friends in the world. They understand why we did what we did, they saw what we went though."

"What did you go through, exactly?"

Such pushy questions. What if I don't want to talk about it?

You have to. It's been 6 years, you can do this.

"Louis and I started dating right when X factor was over. During the whole of our careers in the band, the lads have known and supported us through everything. It was honestly the hardest four years of my life. Although I did love every second of being in the actual band, the fact that my boyfriend was a member of the band made it really hard."

"I could imagine. Wasn't he supposedly dating Eleanor Calder?"

Bile came up my throat. Swallow it down.

"She was his 'beard'. We had to do everything we could to keep the perfect image of the band. We couldn't really do that when two of us were gay."

"How was that for you? Watching him hold her hand and kiss her in public?"

"I don't think anything ever aggravated me more than the fact that she was the one doing all that with him. I loved him, and I was the only one who should have been allowed to hold his hand and kiss him whenever I wanted to. She was paid to do the only things in the world that I wished I could, and she used him. I used to cry myself to sleep every time he went out with her."

"Is Louis backstage now? Can we bring him out?"

No no. No, don't let the tears spill. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.

I choked back a sob "no, he's um, he's not here- anymore."

Her eyebrows furrowed. "Anymore?"

Oh god, oh god. I wasn't ready for this. I can't do this. I need to go, run so far. Take Eric and run. Just go.

It's been 2 years, Styles. You're okay, I promise. You're fine. Just say it. This will be over soon. I promised you, you'll be just fine.

"Yeah, um. He passed away two years ago."

And there it is. I said you could do it. You did it. You're okay. You're okay. Please stop looking like that. Breathe, Harry.

I couldn't even describe my interviewer's face. She was shocked, I guess. I wasn't paying attention to her.

It was silent, suddenly. No one was making a sound. It was eery.

"W-what?" was all she said.

Elaborate. What happened.

I don't have a voice. I can't do this.

Yes you can.

"He passed away. Car accident," my voice was raspy, barely even a whisper. It wouldn't have been heard even with the microphone if the audience wasn't so quiet.

The interviewer seemed to recover as she looked over her shoulder "Can someone get Mr. Styles - uh, Tomlinson - a glass of water, please?"

There was movement then. Backstage, people hustled around. A cold glass of water was placed in my hand. I stared at it.

Drink it, doofus.

I took a sip.

"Louis Tomlinson? Dead?" She asked.

Make a joke. Try.

"I think that was his name, yeah."

Worst joke you have ever told, Styles. Honestly, what is this.

"And for two years, no one knew?"

I took another sip of water. "That was sort of the whole point of hiding. If it was announced before then everyone will grieve too. I know it's a bit selfish, but I have to grieve him on my own time. I had a child to take care of who will never know one of his dads, and I needed to take care of him too. I couldn't let the paparazzi get to him."

"Of course, I think we all understand that. But two years? Dead?" Her eyes were wide.

Stop looking like you're about to cry. Be strong. Smile.

I did. "Can we just establish that he's dead, please?"

No chuckles. Of course not.

"Have you established it on your own? Come to terms with it? You went through so much with him."

How fucking dumb is it that I have to coach you to breath? Aren't you supposed to do that on your own? Breathe!

I am breathing!

Okay, now exhale.

"To some extent, I have come to terms with it," I nodded slowly.

"What extent is that?"

I sighed. I've had this speech made months ago.

"Louis was everything to me. He was imbedded in every inch of my being. My pride and joy, if you will. He still is. I love him. I love him so much I can't even fathom it. It hurts sometimes. He's my whole world, and I'm not letting him go just because a car hit him when we were still in our honeymoon phase two years after marriage. Yes, he's not here for me to touch and hold and kiss, but he's still here. One of my most favorite things about him was his voice. Not just his singing voice, just him talking. Humming. He looked and sounded beautiful in everything he did. So his voice stayed with me. I know him so well that I know exactly what he would say to me at every given situation. When he would get mad, or sad, or when he'd laugh and make fun of me. So he does. I hear him. I know I sound like a crazy person, but I swear I wouldn't be able to function without him telling me what to do or calling me out on my shit. I need him. No, I'm not used to him being gone. I still forget every morning and make two cups of tea; one with two spoons of sugar and cream. But then I remember, and he laughs at me. Says "honestly, Harold. How stupid could you get" and it's ok. I can go through the rest of my life with this. It's not equivalent to what I had, doesn't even come close. But it's do-able. He was my life-partner and I plan on spending my life with him."

She looked at me like I was an idiot. You are.

"You hear your late husband talking to you?"

"Not in a crazy way! He just helps me through my days, like he did when he was alive. Only now… he lives in my head."

Bless this interviewer. She's actually brimming in the eyes.

"Do you miss him?" She croaked out.

"More than anything. It's cold when I sleep, empty when I wake up. The house is so quiet; his laughs aren't filling it anymore. He used to send me cute little text messages all throughout the day and now.. nothing. I have nothing-" You still have me. "-I still hear him though. He's with me, all the time."

"Is he with you now?"

Always.

I smiled. "He's been coaching me through this interview. Reminding me to breathe, telling me to stay strong, that I'm alright. Telling me how to smile, to make a joke, that I'm stupid for forgetting to breathe. That I should be strong for our son.."

You are amazing.

"That I'm amazing," I carried on, and chuckled. "He's still here. He'll always be here."

"That's so beautiful, Harry. Do you think you'll ever re-marry?"

No. Absolutely not.

I shook my head "there's no one else for me."

"But wouldn't you get lonely?"

I'm here, Harry. You're not alone. You're never alone.

"As I said, he's still with me. I'm a married man."

"What would you say to him, if he was still here physically?"

I could think of other things you could do with your mouth if I was there.

I cackled "I don't think there would be much talking, to be honest."

And the crowd laughed. Finally.

"Won't you be deprived of physicality?"

Has this woman ever heard of a wank?

I chuckled "if I'm not kissing his lips then I don't want to be kissed."

She looked frustrated "but, like.. other things."

"I don't need someone's help to have a good wank."

And of course, the audience just thinks that is soo funny.

"When was the first time he.. spoke to you? I'm sorry, this isn't the interview I thought we'd be having."

I chuckled. "The first time was actually when I was at the hospital and the doctor told me he had passed. It felt like everything I lived for had crumbled, that everything I had fought for was for nothing. I was so angry. How can he leave me? Why now? We worked so hard for this. We only had four years together where we could be free. I was on the floor crying when I heard him telling me to leave the hospital and go home. His exact words were 'whether or not I'm there, you need to get on with your life. Don't sit here crying over me, I promised you I'll be here forever. Go home to our son, Harry. He needs you more than I do right now'" breathe, you're doing great. "He did what he would usually do when he was here, coach me through the hard stuff. He told me what to wear to his funeral and where he wanted to be buried. He helped me choose which flower to put on his grave, because he knew I thought he was prettier than all of them. He made sure the memory I spoke about was not the one in which we had met, because that one was too cheesy and quite frankly a bit gross. Since then, he's never left. He says he never will, and if he does I don't know what I would do. Join him, probably. I can't do that to Eric though, maybe that's why he's still here."

I'm here because I love you.

I smiled and scratched my left temple.

"I don't know what to say, Harry. That's just so tragically beautiful. I assure you that you'll be an inspiration to widowers everywhere. You're so strong, I don't know if I could ever do what you're doing; I admire you."

I nodded my head and smiled, "thank you."

And then the crowd cheered again.

"Would you mind if we take some questions from the audience?"

And que the perverted questions.

I stifled a laugh. "No, not at all."

A man walked through the audience and handed a girl a microphone. She looked as though she's been crying.

"Hi, Harry," she waved shyly.

"Hello, darling," I replied.

"I just wanted to say that I was one of the people who supported you and Louis in the band and after. You two.. your love was radiating. It was honestly beautiful, certainly an inspiration."

"Thank you so much," I smiled brightly.

She giggled "I'm not gonna ask a question that would have a sad answer, because as you can see I've had enough sadness for the day. My question is when did you realize that you loved him?"

Since oops and hi.

"Uh, I don't think I really had a moment where it hit me that I was in love with him. It was a natural thing, to love him. As if I always have. I was always in love with him, I guess" you are such an idiot. "It's like I met him, I loved him, I married him. It just sorta happened."

The microphone was given to another girl, a bit older than the first. She went straight to the question. "Why did you hide in the first place?"

I sighed. "We were getting so much hate. We knew it was going to happen, but it was too much for us. We wanted to get married and start a family, it just seemed like the right thing to do."

She seemed satisfied and sat down. The mic was then handed to a man, obviously gay. "Hi, my name is Derek. I was also one of the Larry shippers during the One Direction days, and I just wanted to tell you how much you guys influenced me. You were such a huge part of my acceptance of who I am and you taught me that life isn't fair, but you just have to roll with it, so thank you so much for that."

"Thank you!I didn't think we were that big an influence."

He laughed, "you have no idea. My question is one I've always been curious about. Why was Louis the one to get the long-term girlfriend?"

Because you can't lie for shit.

"Because I can't lie for shit. It wouldn't have been believable."

"Do you think it would've been easier if you had the girlfriend?"

Would've been hell either way.

I shook my head. "No, it was hard on both of us. The only thing that would've changed was that it wouldn't have been a successful ploy. It was hard for him to go out with her, and it was hard for me to stay home. Wouldn't have changed either way."

The microphone was given to another girl "what other sort of traditions and little things that involved him do you still find yourself doing?"

Talk about the scratch; it's honestly adorable. We were such saps.

"We had this thing where if we were in public and I wanted to tell him I love him but couldn't, I'd scratch my left temple. He would understand, and rub his eye. Those were seriously discussed one night, it was honestly the funniest thing. If you look back on videos I'm sure you'll find them."

Another man was picked. "Who's Eric's biological father?"

I think that's the brightest smile you gave so far. Beautiful.

"Louis is the father biologically. I have a little Lou running around the house, it's literally the cutest thing. He has his eyes and his smile. Hopefully he'll inherit his laugh, too."

The crowd aww'd. I would too, you're adorable.

I can feel myself blushing. 10 years knowing you and I still blush. It's ridiculous.

A teenage girl was picked next. "You said your favorite thing about him was his voice, but obviously you still hear him so you're not missing out on that. What's something you don't have that you miss, apart from sexual things," she giggled.

I didn't need to think ."His smell." A pang of pain erupted in my chest; I don't really like to acknowledge his death as an actual death. "His smell is something I've loved since I met him and I never got enough of it, and I never will. It actually really saddens me a lot."

I've never heard this before. Care to explain why?

I rolled my eyes and cleared my throat, "he wants me to elaborate, so I will. I don't really know how to explain it, though. He smelled like Louis" oh, ok yea thanks I understand perfectly now "he smelled warm, if that makes sense. His smell gave me the feeling of safety, sort of. Like at the end of the day when we've had to pretend we didn't care for each other and we'd be wrapped up in bed and the close proximity in which I could smell him would just mean I'm safe now. Safe from the cameras and the management guys. It was home, I guess you could say. I don't get that anymore, I don't feel as safe as I used to when I'm sleeping alone; I'm always on alert."

Wish you didn't elaborate now.

Next question. "What's a memory you had with him that you cherish the most?"

Oh now you're going to talk about the day we met and how it was the best day of your life, you cheesy prat.

I laughed and shook my head. "He thinks I'll talk about the day we met, but it's actually the day he met my family. Like, when he met them as my boyfriend. Just because we had to hide all the time and keep everything a secret, so when he met my family it's was kind of like, woah, this relationship is real. I actually have him right now and he's here and he's real and he's mine. I remember watching him converse with my mom and I felt... proud. So proud. Just to have him to call mine. I was such a naive little boy, sitting there trying to find a single flaw in his face and then giving up and saying no, this boy is perfect and he's all mine. I couldn't believe it. I told him about that day once. He laughed and poked my dimple."

Finally, finally, the interviewer sighed heavily and stood up, the cameras zoning back on her. "Think our time is up. Thank you so much for coming, Harry. Good luck to you and your son. Looking forward to seeing you around the media more often." I stood and shook her hand, murmuring a quick thank you and waved to the crowd.

You did so good, baby. So proud of you.

As I started walking off, all I could think of was Louis' glowing face. His high cheekbones and little nose, his feathery hair swept into a soft fringe across his forehead. His blue, blue eyes sparkling and crinkling at the sides, smile so wide it stretched to his ears. A sight so beautiful it nearly knocked the breath out of me, making me want to laugh and cry all at once while simultaneously making me want to wrap myself up in his arms and fall asleep so I could wake up to this same face and watch him blink into consciousness. Watch his long eyelashes flutter against his cheekbones as he weaves his fingers through my curls tenderly.

So proud, babyboy. You're so strong, I'm so happy you did this.

My head felt like it was swimming in an ocean so warm and so, so blue. Such a familiar blue it made my eyes sting. Drowning. Vision blurring, I made it off the stage and collapsed into the nearest chair I could find, placing my head in my hands and trying to breathe normally. It suddenly got too hot, and I didn't know if I was drowning in the blue or just sweating, so I ripped my blazer off and discarded it on the floor. Tears were streaming down my face now, down my neck and dampening the hem of my dress shirt.

So good, baby. You were so good.

It felt like my body was collapsing in on itself, as if every organ has lost its will to function and has surrendered to its inevitable failure. It hurt. My chest felt like it was caving in, pressing down on my heart and my lungs, crushing them. Can't breathe. I can't breathe.

You're okay. You're fine. Deep breaths, sweetheart. Try it.

I shook my head, pushing my hair back and wheezing. I can't. My world is nothing, nothing without the little elfin boy with eyes so blue, the bluest blue I have ever seen. The realization was never easy no matter how many times it rolled around to challenge me. I will never see those eyes in person again, never see them crinkle and sparkle and glimmer with love and hopes and dreams. Will never see the pride and happiness in them again. Every time I realized this, everything around me comes crashing down.

There's Eric, Harry. Little Eric. Go home to him; he needs a dad.

Come back to me, Lou.

I love you.

Pulling my legs up on the chair, I placed my head between my knees and tried to fill my lungs with air. It burned, and the air strained against my chest like it was going to explode.

That's it, sweetheart. Deep breaths. You're okay, you're fine. You did so good, you're so strong. I'm so proud of you, baby. So proud.

"I love you so much, Louis," I murmured out loud, the words feeling heavy after not saying them for such a long time.

I love you too, curly.

And then I stood up, wiped my face, and started walking.