Disclaimer: I do not own Fafner in the Azure, Xebec does. Though I did once have a dream that Kazuki and Soushi were living in my loft... it was awesome!
INSANITY IN THE AZURE
EPISODE ONE: BEGINNING – PARADISE
Hello and welcome to the magical world of Soukyuu no Fafner. Here we'll find lots of nice songs, shiny robots and angsty pretty boys. So let's sit back and enjoy the show.
Oh look; we're travelling through the clouds... or fog, or whatever that's supposed to be... Anyway--
"Anata wa soko ni imasu ka?"
Holy crap! What was that?! I'm hearing voices now! Quick - run for the hills!
"... Er, no. You're not hearing things. We're the Festum. You know, the resident bad guys of the series."
... Resident Evil?
"Resident BAD GUYS! The villains. Do we have to spell it out for you?"
Oh, right. I get it now. Well, back to the story.
Suddenly something bursts out of the water; it was a magical, shiny blue robot, dripping with water and looking wonderfully pretty in an over-dramatic way. And who is this inside said robot... it's the main character! Yay!
"I can't move my body the way I want it to," Kazuki stammered out in a strangely constipated sounding voice. Somebody get that boy some laxatives.
And then the villains, who were also pretty and shiny, sent forth their tentacle-like appendages and started molesting Kazuki.
-- No, wait. They started molesting Kazuki's Fafner.
"Get it right, you idiot!" Soushi cut in. "This scene is long and random enough as it is."
Oh, sorry Soushi. The Festum grabbed Kazuki' Fafner with their tentacles and lifted it into the air - just for the hell of it.
"Kazuki! Feel Fafner itself!" Soushi shouted at the whimpering brunette. "Unite with it!"
... Hey, that sounds kind of kinky, Soushi. I'm getting the yaoi vibes already, and we're not even a minute in! I love this show!
You know, Soushi sounded hilariously gay in the dubbed version of this scene. It was awesome.
"Well I can't help it if my dub actor can't decide which voice to stick with!" Soushi snapped indignantly.
"Hey, Soushi," Kazuki said. "Stop breaking the fourth wall by arguing with the author and start feeling all of my Fafner... or something equally as suggestive sounding."
"Oh, just punch that Festum in the face."
"OK!"
Kazuki lunged forward, fist extended, roaring in anger and--
-- Huh? It's changed to some weird blue line-art scene of a tree! How the frick did that happen? And here's all the main characters in chibi line-art form. Is this meant to be significant? Really, I never understood the point of the glowing blue line-art moments.
"Hey, look; I fixed the line-art radio," said Mamoru. "How uber am I?"
"Yes, yes, very good," sighed Soushi, shoving him to the side. "Now let's all yell into this thing and summon the gang of golden aliens who are waiting to enslave mankind."
"... What?" the others chorused.
"Er, nothing. Just ignore me."
Meanwhile, an unspecified amount of years later, Soushi is travelling home to Tatsumiya Island on a boat, and managing to look pretty while he's at it.
"Ah, my beloved home land," said pretty Soushi. "I'd better look annoyed and glare at it for no apparent reason."
And thus he did.
"See - I can glare just as well as Kazuki."
And now it's time for a billion different shots of the island looking pretty to emphasise the whole 'paradise' theme they've got going.
... Geez, this is boring. When are we going to get to the obviously yaoi moments? That's all most of us are watching for.
Yay! It's Kazuki! Let's all swoon over him for a few seconds.
...
OK, I'm done.
Now it's time for a billion different shots of people heading off to school and boring stuff like that.
And then Maya leapt in through Shouko's bedroom door. "Hi, Shouko! Are you going to school today?"
Shouko sat on her bed, sadly stroking her pussy... cat. "No, I don't think so."
"Oh. Well this was a pointless scene, wasn't it?" Maya sighed, collapsing down beside Shouko. "... Wanna see all the naked pictures that I've secretly been taking of Kazuki-kun?"
Shouko's eyes lit up.
"Kaname Sakura, that's me by the way, is going to school!" Sakura announced, randomly saluting her father.
Her father glanced at her in bemusement. "Why are you talking in the third person?"
"Hello! I'm Kasugai Kouyou, and I'm obviously in love with Shouko. And I hate Kazuki's guts because Shouko is obviously in love with him. And—"
Kouyou, be quiet and just keep walking to school.
"Oh, alright author!"
"Here, Soushi, take this book. It's uber important."
Soushi gave the book a definite 'yeah, right' look, before glaring at the island once more and stalking off to feel up a tree.
For twenty seconds. Yes, I counted. He obviously likes the feel of wood beneath his hands.
After snuggling with his beloved tree, Soushi went off to chat to his vaguely Doctor Robotnic-like father.
"I hate that hedgehog!"
"What did you say, father?"
"Er, I mean, you're late. I hate it when people are late too," said Doc- er, daddy Minashiro.
"I don't care. Now let's all stand around looking serious." And thus Soushi gave his dad the stare down.
"Well that's enough of that." Daddy Minashiro turned and gazed out of the window. "Today's sunset seems to be a special colour."
Soushi was rather disturbed by this. 'Sunset? What the hell is he gibbering about? It's 9am in the morning! I'm glad he dies in the next episode.'
Soushi soon grew tired of talking to his senile father, and went off to school. He then proceeded to collide into Kuramae and make a complete arse of himself.
"Sorry, I couldn't see very well—"
"OH, THE GUILT!" came Kazuki's voice off-screen.
"… Er, anyway. It's odd that my bad eye never seems to bother me again for the rest of the series, only during this scene."
… Plot hole?
"Probably."
"Hey, Minashiro-kun! Tell me about Tokyo!" shouted Maya.
"It was boring," Soushi answered. "… Kuramae, stop wriggling your glasses at me."
"You mean you didn't meet any celebs. How annoying… Hey, have you noticed that this is the only time in the whole series where the two of us talk about something other than Kazuki-kun?"
"Yeah, I had noticed," agreed Soushi. "And I'm actually smiling at you – I must be ill or something. So… where's Kazuki?"
"He's out with Kondo-kun."
"Gasp! He's cheating on me?!"
"No, he went outside to have a random fight with him."
Cue the fight scene!
"I kill you!" Kenji snarled at Kazuki, lunging forward.
Scene change! Huh? Oh look; Dr. Robotonic's getting felt up by the evil teacher lady.
"Soushi returned, didn't he?" said evil teacher lady. "That means I can hit on him too! Yay!"
Daddy Minashiro rolled his eyes. "You're such a pedo."
Back to the random battle.
"Why the hell can't I hit you?!" demanded Kenji.
"Because I'm the main character; I has skills." Suddenly Kazuki felt a rush of plot development racing through his veins. "Gasp! … My Soushi-sense is tingling! Gotta race, ace."
And with that Kazuki galloped off, leaving a befuddled Kenji standing there like an idiot.
"Hey! Stop trying to rhyme; this isn't an 'Adventures of Sonic the Hedgehog' episode!" Kenji shouted after him.
Obviously Kazuki wasn't the only one who sensed the plot developing, because the birds flew away in terror. And Shouko's cat randomly hissed in terror. And Fumihiko ran out of his house in terr- Wait. Does this mean that Kazuki and Fumihiko think on the same wavelength as the animals?
"What? Are the writers comparing me, the brilliant Fumihiko, to a mere animal?" Fumihiko asked in disbelief.
You ARE an animal, you stupid ape! Now get your arse down to Alvis like a good little main character, before the Festum leap upon you like a pack of starving wolves and tear out your gall bladder!
"… OK."
"Hey everyone, it's me, the evil teacher lady."
What was her name again…? … Kariya, I think. Yeah, that's it! Kariya!
"Right… Anyway, as I was saying; it's me, Kariya. Now everybody get in the shelter and sit quietly before I start hitting on all you hot young pretty boys."
"But I'm a girl!" piped up Sakura.
"I'm going to ignore that incredibly pointless remark."
"Kariya-sensei, will you give me an A if I make out with you?" asked Kouyou.
"Yes. Now shut up; aliens are invading."
"Huh?"
Meanwhile in CDC (which looks really blue and pretty in this scene) everyone is saying lots of weird technical things and random German words that are probably confusing the hell out of the audience at this point.
"Is it a sphinx type Festum?" Fumihiko asked.
"I dunno," replied Soushi, randomly poking at buttons on his control desk. "But more importantly; is that funny mark on your chin a beard or just some sort of weird scar? Because if it's a beard, does that mean Kazuki might grow one too? If so, that's a bad thing, because I can't stand facial hair. Kazuki will just have to get used to shaving."
Fumihiko just stared back at him blankly. "… How long until I'm in charge again? I'm dieing to get out of this tank-top."
"Fumihiko-san, I have no desire to see you shirtless, if that's what you're implying—"
"Shut up, Soushi-kun."
"Makabe, stop hitting on my son! We've got an invasion here," said daddy Minashiro. "Now turn on the shields that always do bugger all to stop the enemy!"
"Yes, sir!"
As almost-certain death approached their happy, sparkly little island, Maya was riding around on her bike (she likes to ride her bicycle, she likes to ride her bike!)
-- Oblivious to the nearby danger. And then she stumbled upon a distressed looking Shouko. These two are idiots; why aren't they fleeing for their lives?
"What the fricks going on around here, Maya?" the only vaguely attractive female character in the show (until Tsubaki) cried out as her friend drew near. "My mum has vanished, my cat has vanished and there are aliens invading!"
"There, there, everything's going to be just fine," Maya assured her, giving her a big hug. She then grabbed hold of Shouko's hands. "Here; put your hands on my breasts."
"Er, alright," agreed Shouko, confused by the random yuri moment.
Back in CDC…
"A villain is approaching," said Yumiko. "View screen turn on."
The view screen turns on, revealing a big, golden Festum.
"Good evening, gentlemen. All your base are belong to—"
"Oh, come on!" groaned Soushi, throwing his hands up in exasperation. "Like that joke hasn't already been used about a billion times!"
What you say?! Oh, I mean; you're right. On with the show!
The nasty Festum floated forward and swatted the island's fighter planes out of the way like the flies that they are. And then it beat the hell out of the island's useless shield with the planes – that was a bloody cool move, by the way.
"Well, shit. We're getting owned," said daddy Minashiro. "Is awakening the giants the only choice we have left for survival?"
Once again Soushi shot his father a weird look. 'Awakening the giants? Why doesn't he just call them Fafner? I'm glad his death is edging ever closer…'
"OK, let's set our giant robot on it. Where's our pilot?"
"In the can," Yumiko supplied helpfully.
"… Oh. Well when she's finished send her to the landing bay. And let's hope she doesn't get killed along the way, since we stupidly only have one pilot."
"Dad, you jinxed it," Soushi sighed. "Why can't you just die right now?!"
Meanwhile in the little shuttle train… thing that takes people to the landing bay…
"Are you feeling nervous, dear?" asked a weirdly-standing woman.
Kuramae gave her a withering look. "Of course I'm feeling nervous, you stupid woman with your weird, small eyes! I'm about to go and fight freaking aliens!"
And then suddenly the train explodes and weird-standing woman is sucked into the big black Festum ball of death. Kuramae gawped like a fish, before she too got owned.
Oh well, can't be helped.
"Oh noes! Our pilot is dead! Now we're all screwed!" Yumiko screamed shrilly in horror.
"Yes! This means I can go and fight them; me, Soushi!" Soushi declared, leaping up from his seat. "I don't give a crap about Kuramae's death, even though she's supposed to be my adopted older sister… I GET TO PILOT A FAFNER!"
"Soushi, stop frothing at the mouth like a rabid dog and take a seat kid, take a god damned seat," his father ordered. "You can't pilot Fafner – you have something that only you can do. Do you remember what that is?"
"… Being a gay pretty boy?"
"No! – Well, yes, that too. No, no, you have a Siegfried System to pilot. And you get to look all pretty and pink while you're inside it."
"Oh yeah, good point. In that case who will pilot our magical robot? … As if we hadn't all figured it out by now; especially after that random scene of Kazuki battling a Festum at the beginning of the—"
"Soushi, shut up already and let us get on with the show!" he father snapped. "Now, Makabe, your son is the most suitable candidate – I'm going to use him."
Fumihiko snorted loudly. "Now who's hitting on whose son, eh?"
"… Even I'm starting to wish I was already dead. Soushi, go get our pilot!"
And thus Soushi ran off down to the shelter to find his favourite bishie pilot. He flung the door open enthusiastically, only to find Kazuki already standing there on the other side.
"Gah!" Soushi yelped, leaping back in surprise. "Holy crap, Kazuki! How come you're already there? That's freaking creepy… and yet oddly suggestive."
"Yes it is, isn't it? Now, where are we going, Soushi?"
"… To paradise."
"Cue the porno music!"
"Sakura! This moment is supposed to be dramatic!"
And the next thing we know, Kazuki and Soushi are walking up the bloody giant looking staircase and standing before a pretty blue robot.
"What? What is this?" Barry—er, Kazuki, asked.
"A dinning room—I mean, a Fafner," answered Soushi.
… I've got to lay off the Resident Evil references. But they're just so much damn fun!
"What's a Fafner?"
"It's something to do with Norse mythology – because the Japanese love using German words in their Animes," explained Soushi. "Honestly, they do; they've got the Digimon Kaizer in Digimon Adventure 02, the entire cast of Kyou Kara Maou have German names. Even Xebec is a German word—"
"Er, Soushi; fourth wall, rapidly disintegrating," Kazuki cut in.
"Oh, right. Anyway; Fafner is a magical robot we designed to battle the Festum with; it prevents their mind-reading ability… in a way that we don't bother explaining. I want you to protect the island with this."
"Gasp! There's no way I can do that!" gasped Kazuki in that typical Shounen Anime hero way.
"Oh, of course you can; you're the main character! You must know that your body is able to unite with Fafner!"
"… You want me to have sex with that robot? Wouldn't that be rather painful?"
Soushi ignored him, and decided to play the 'guilt-trip' card. "Well, I would pilot it myself… but a certain someone injured my eye."
"Oh, the guilt!" Kazuki exclaimed as he had more random line-art flashbacks about injured chibi-Soushi.
And then Soushi grabbed Kazuki by the shoulders and pulled him close, making the Yaoi fangirls squeal in delight.
"You really think I can do it?" Kazuki asked uncertainly.
"Of course. Trust me; I'm really good looking."
"… What's that got to do with it?"
"I dunno. I just felt like pointing it out," Soushi said with a shrug. "Now go and get changed into the flight-suit." Soushi rubbed his hands together gleefully. "I can't wait to see how hot Kazuki looks in his flight-suit!"
Er, Soushi; he doesn't wear the flight-suit until the end of the next episode.
"… shit."
Oh, look; another scene change.
And so Kazuki gets inside Fafner, and happily sticks his hands into the strange red, jelly-like substance … sadly, not in the flight-suit. But be patient, fellow fangirls (and Soushi); we get to see him naked in the next episode!
And thus Kazuki was hooked up to Fafner, screaming in pain all the while. Why didn't they just design it so that the pilot isn't in extreme agony when they get in a Fafner?
Soushi appeared on-screen, looking all determined. "And now I must say lots of complicated things about spinal models and synergetic codes just to make myself look cool," said Soushi, looking pretty and pink inside the Siegfried System. "The holographic form is red, damn it, not pink! Red!"
Yeah, you keep telling yourself that, Soushi…
Meanwhile back in CDC…
"What's wrong?" asked daddy Minashiro.
"The password to remove the weapons is locked," Mamoru's dad said to him over the monitor. "In other words; we're pretty much screwed unless you come down here and unlock it manually."
"Oh, how convenient," daddy Minashiro said, rolling his eyes.
"Actually it's pretty inconvenient, seeing as we're in the middle of a battle," Fumihiko pointed out.
"No, you stupid turnip; it's convenient in the way that it moves the plot along, and it lets me get put in danger – and killed – so that Soushi can probably have some angsty flashbacks about his dad dieing."
"Oh, I see," Fumihiko nodded. "But I don't think that Soushi-kun really cares about your death all that much."
"Then what's the point of me dieing?"
"How should I know, you foolhead? I'm not the writer. Now… get out of my chair!" Fumihiko snapped suddenly, shoving daddy Minashiro out of the way and settling back in the chair. "Ah, it's good to be the new commander." He glanced down at daddy Minashiro, who lay winded on the floor. "What are you still doing here? Go and get killed!"
Whoa! Fumihiko's gone nuts! He's been corrupted by the One Ring! Wait – wrong series. Er, back with Kazuki and Soushi… Kazuki apparently fainted.
"Kazuki, Kazuki… Wake up, little boy!"
"Gah!" Kazuki yelped, jolting awake. "Soushi, don't do that, it makes you sound like Freddy! Anyway… what's going on?"
"I crossed directly into the visual and auditory sensors of your brain."
"… Say what now?"
Soushi sighed. "I've linked our brains together using the Siegfried System, so that I can appear to you in this pretty, red holographic form, and tell you how to pilot the magic robot."
"It looks more like pink to me—"
"Never mind that!" Soushi growled. "The connection isn't perfect since you're not wearing your uber hot synergetic suit, but we can still go and kick some Festum arse without it."
"How comes my clothes are fixed again by the next episode when they just got torn when I got in Fafner?" Kazuki asked randomly.
"Plot hole. From now on your priority is to unite with Fafner," continued Soushi.
Why does it look like Soushi is sitting in Kazuki's lap during that line?
"Because Fafner is cool that way," answered Soushi.
Oh, OK!
"We're breaking so much fourth wall here, Soushi," Kazuki mumbled quietly.
Soushi ignored him. "First of all, open your eyes."
"Sweetie, my eyes are open. Is your blindness kicking in again?"
"Just open the damn robot's eyes!"
"Yes, dear!"
And thus Fafner took to the skies. Oh, the humanity!
"The humanity?" Soushi blinked in confusion. "Anyway, it's time for one of my weird, end of the episode speeches. Ahem; this was the beginning of our journey – hence the episode title. If we could survive… I might get to make hot yaoi love with Kazuki! Yay! Um, I mean, we wouldn't forget today's smile… who writes this stuff? I'm so glad I randomly stop these little monologues around episode 12."
Join us in the next exciting episode of Fafner – we get to see Kazuki naked!
"Hurrah!"
Be quiet, Soushi!
Until next time, bye! Hope you enjoyed it.