Disclaimer: I was hit on the head with the Magical Flying Broomstick of Inspiration, and I had to write this. I just had to. Songfic of 'My Girlfriend Who Lives in Canada' of Avenue Q. All lyrics changes were intentional, also seeing as there is no Canada in Oz. I would definitely suggest searching Youtube for it, but be warned the original version is a lot dirtier. And I don't own Wicked or Avenue Q. Or any other avenue for that matter. Avenue LO would be so cool... I would have a replica of the Gershwin there. Okay, story time! -LostOzian
It started with a two bottles of vodka and a twisted game of Never Have I Ever. Fiyero had arrived at Elphaba and Galinda's dorm room early evening, toting alcohol, cups, and Boq and Nessa. It had been a Saturday night, and Fiyero had insisted they find some way to get drunk because they had Sunday to sleep off the hangover. The only problem was, Fiyero didn't really know the rules of Never Have I Ever, and thought that you took a drink when you hadn't done something.
Nessa didn't correct him, because she was scared that she would be the only sober one with Elphaba with all the things Galinda, Fiyero, and Boq have done that the Thropps had never dreamed of. Boq didn't correct him because it struck him as a girly game and he had never bothered to learn the rules. Galinda didn't correct him because he was Fiyero, and she didn't mind playing with different rules. And Elphaba didn't correct him because she had never played and didn't know that you were supposed to take a drink if you had done something.
They only did little things, more curious oddities. Never have I ever gone on a date to a rally. Never have I ever kissed on a first date. Never have I ever taken my date to a musical. Never have I ever had a date with sweaty hands.
Needless to say, Elphaba soon became very drunk. Nessa was second either way, but nothing compared to the liquor-saturated sea-green student. She stared sullenly at the bottle as a slightly tipsy Galinda asked the next question.
"Mkay… Never have I ever thought about going all the way on a first date." Galinda said. Boq and Nessa took drinks, then passed the bottle to Elphaba expectantly, only to have her turn it down.
"Nope," she said, placing it back in the middle. "I don't drink this time."
"What? Elphie, you've drank on all the other ones!" Galinda tried to make sense of it all.
"Well, I am sorry to tell you, Mizzzzz Galinda, but I was lying!" Elphaba declared. Silence fell upon the group as a drunken Elphaba began to get riled up.
"You all think you're so cool!" she continued. "With your boyfriends… and girlfriends… friendy-happy-pretty-datey-smoochy-sexy friends… But I have a whole life none of you know about! Not even you, Galinda!" She pointed at Galinda, missing by a few inches, but she got the general direction.
"You do?" Nessa asked. Because where Nessa stopped learning secrets about Elphaba, Galinda began. So if Galinda didn't know, Nessa did.
"Sure I do!" Elphaba said, standing up and starting to pace in little crooked lines. "For example, my… my…"
Everybody hung on to the next word, whatever it might be. She stopped suddenly, probably remembering what she had wanted to say next.
"Ohhhh, I wish you could meet my boyfriend!" The word 'boyfriend' shocked everyone to the core. "My boyfriend who lives in Munchkinland!" She started hugging herself, swinging back and forth.
"He's such a pretty gem, I wish you could meet 'im, my boyfriend who lives in Munchkinland!" One thought was running through everyone's mind, with varying degrees of panic. Our Elphaba has a boyfriend?!
"His name is Rush Margins, he lives in Munchkin Rock," Elphaba continued with flamboyant gestures. "He plays the piano and has a great lip lock!" Elphaba giggled, to the utter horror of everyone else that she was able to describe kissing and that she just giggled.
"I write to him every single day, just to make sure that everything's okay!" Elphaba started spinning a little bit, and almost fell over. "It's a pity he lives so far a-way! In Munchkinland!" Everybody looked to Nessa to explain who this Rush Margins person was, but she only shook her head and made a drinking motion, stating her theory quite clearly: Elphaba was merely drunk.
"Laaaast week he was here, but he had the flu!" Elphaba said, sitting back down and putting an arm around Fiyero. "To baaad… 'Cause I wanted to introduce him to you!" She let go of Fiyero and fell down, trying to right herself as she continued.
"It's so saaad, there wasn't a thing that he could do but stay in bed…" She rocked back and forth, cross-legged, before managing to flip herself backwards in a reverse somersault. "With his legs up over his head, oh!" She seemed to regain slight composure, sitting on her knees with her hands folded in her lap.
"I wish you could meet my boyfriend," she continued quietly, almost like she would when sarcastically explaining the obvious to people she deemed to be idiots. "But you can't because he is in Munchkinland!" Elphaba flung her arms out, making several attempts to stand as she persisted.
"I love him, I miss him, I can't wait to kiss him, so soon I'll be off to Rush Margins!" Elphaba popped her heel.
"Huh?" Everyone said. Elphaba blinked.
"...I mean Munchkin Rock!" she corrected, before turning her back and muttering to herself, "Shit, his name is Rush Margins, he lives in Munchkin-" She turned around again just as suddenly, launching into a finale, accompanied by theatrical kicks.
"He's my boyfriend! My wonderful boyfriend!" Elphaba pointed at all of them, triumph on her face. "Yes, I have a boyfriend! Who lives in MUNCHKINLAND!" She did one last twirl, before finishing, "And I can't wait for him to get the nerve to meet Frex!"
The whole ordeal ended rather anticlimactically. Elphaba stood there, staring at her friends as they stared back skeptically. Five seconds. Ten seconds. Fifteen seconds.
"Oh, give me that bottle already!" Elphaba finally gave in, snatching the bottle of vodka and beginning to chug it. Fiyero jumped up and took the bottle away, and Elphaba passed out, falling onto Galinda's pinkified bed.
"Well," Boq said to Fiyero. "You got her drunk Hope you're happy."
"Everyone," Galinda began. "For her own good, let's just pretend that never happened.
"Agreed," Boq, Fiyero, and Nessa all promised.
So Elphaba never found out about her own boyfriend, who lived in Munchkinland.