My Beloved
"I came to love the red hair that I'd inherited from my father, I came to love red, I came to love you…"
'I should be happy,' the thought was forcefully entering my mind, though I knew I could not change my disposition. I had passed the day with a false smile and a sad heart. I was sitting in the front pew appearing as supportive as ever, though inside I was dying. The red gown I was wearing I had hoped to save for some special occasion. I had picked it out long ago, to impress the Earl. Now I knew I would never impress him in the way I hoped. Not in the way Rachel had.
Both my sister and I were fond of the Earl, in different ways, I suppose. The Earl had, in a sense, transformed me. Because of him, I transitioned easily from girl to woman.
When he first arrived, I hated who I was. I hated almost everything about myself, though there was no apparent reason for it. In the short days I spent with the Earl, he managed to change my perspective with his charm. He made me feel happy; I was happy to be myself, happy for my imperfections, and happy to be around him. Though I suppose my rapid transformation from adolescence to maturity left me a bit awkward. I found myself fumbling to say things I wanted to say. I was never able to express my passion, my gratitude, my love.
Rachel was always better with words than I was. She was always more confident around men than I was. She and the Earl spent an increasingly more amount of time together. I noticed that his visits with me were becoming nonexistent. Weeks later, I was informed of their engagement. Rachel had enamored the Earl in a way I never could. I loved my sister, but this blow was almost too much to bear. Yet, I pressed on. I could not give in to grief. For my Beloved's sake.
Here, at their wedding, the temptation was strong. All those around me, oblivious to my own pain, were overjoyed. A wedding. That was enough to make anyone overjoyed. But, of course, this wasn't just any wedding. It was my Beloved's wedding.
It seemed as though all the progress, all of the maturity I had attained under the Earl's care, was coming unraveled. I wanted nothing more than to childishly scream and cry, as though all of my sadness could be erased this way. I was slowly starting to hate myself again, for various reasons. I was selfish, for one. I was at my own Beloved's wedding, wondering why it couldn't be mine. I hated the way I looked, everything seemed false. I resumed detesting the color that the Earl loved, as though it were a way of getting back at him. Perhaps the real reason I hated it is because it was a reminder. A reminder of what I was not. I was not loved by the Earl, I was not a perfect sister, and I was not happy.
As the people filed out of the church, I was left alone with my Beloved and their spouse.
'I should be happy,' I thought again, my heart wrenching because I knew I was not. I was left to congratulate my sister and the Earl. I didn't know quite how to feel. I couldn't hate my sister. I couldn't hate the Earl. However because of their happiness, I had none.
I clutched my sister tightly.
"I am so happy for you," I whispered. I released her and glanced at the Earl. "For both of you," I smiled slowly. Rachel smiled back widely.
"Thank you, Anne," she said, hugging me once more. "Thank you for everything." She kissed my cheek and bounded out the front of the church. I gently placed my hand on my cheek where she had kissed me, wondering why I felt nothing.
"Congratulations," I said as cheerily as possible. The Earl studied my face for a moment, in pensive silence. He kindly placed his hand on my cheek. My skin jumped to life, tingling pleasantly.
"Anne," he said softly. "I do not know what troubles you." The Earl was always able to read me. "But I do hope for you to know there is no cause for you to be anything but happy."
"I-" My words caught in my throat. I had hoped to have the courage to speak. Just this once. I wanted to tell him…
But I couldn't I couldn't ruin his happiness. Or Rachel's. I couldn't be selfish anymore. I couldn't be angry or bitter about the events of this day. I loved them too much. If this lot wasn't mine, I would wait to claim whatever happiness or facsimile of joy was to be mine. Or perhaps there was to be no joy. If it came to that, at least I would have the knowledge that my Beloved was happy.
I smiled widely, this time not knowing if it was genuine or false. I looked at the Earl, and kissed his cheek.
"I am happy," I assured him. His hand was still on my shoulder. He thought before speaking softly once more.
"You always did look splendid in red," he said smiling. "As though you are a brilliant flame among the dull colors." He enveloped me in his arms. Our embrace only lasted a moment, though I could have spent eternity in that fashion. As he released me he smiled again. "Thank you for attending the wedding, Anne," he said. He turned to follow his wife out of the front of the church. I stood still, watching him leave. I felt nothing.
I should feel happy, but I know I won't. At least I have finally come to terms with my fate.