Authors Note: Been a while since I posted anything remotely worthy here. So here is this piece. Also posted at Ao3
"I had the greatest dream. And you were there and you were there and you where there and all of you were there. I was the Pirate King! I found the One Piece and it was awesome. But I had to fight a wicked witch."
"You dreamt of Nami? OW Damnit Witch!"
"That's another Twenty thousand Berri on what you owe me now."
"Shishishi. No, the witch was a guy. He looked like Blackbeard. I hate him. He wanted to steal my hat! I'll never let him have my hat! Evil Bearded witch! GRRRRR"
"Luffy, your hat is on your head. Alas I have no head myself. Yohohoho."
"Thanks Brook. Oh wait I beat the Witch. I threw him into the Ocean and he melted."
"Melted? Luffy are we going to melt if we fall in the Ocean now? I don't want to melt!"
"Do not worry Chopper-san. You would only sink as the water fills your lungs until you drown."
"Robin is so morbid. You know this dream reminds me when I was Two years old and fought against the Abominable Snowman with his Axe wielding Penguin army…"
"Oye! We're talking about my real dream adventure here. A penguin army sounds cool though. We should get a Penguin army. Zoro I order you to get me a Penguin army. In my dream there was only an army of Old men with Major wounds. "
"I think you mean Zombies there, Luffy. This is what you get for eating that Cheese I specifically told you NOT to touch, as that was to go with the grapes and crackers I was going to serve Nami-Chan and Robin-Swan for tea today."
"I was hungry. It's not my fault. Hey, stop distracting me with food! You did that in my real dream too! I was about to go on an adventure on the Yellow Brick Sea."
"Yellow Brook..?"
"Stop interrupting! I got to the Yellow Brick Sea through a whirlpool and the Sunny fell on top of that Buggy Guy. That made me laugh, but then he grabbed my hat! That wasn't funny but then Shanks appeared. He was wearing a dress and he got my hat back. Then I noticed you were all missing."
"Red-haired Shanks in a dress? To think if that had been real all the blackmail material I could get out of it."
"Nami-chwan is so cute when she is plotting."
"Cute like those axe-wielding Penguins I defeated."
"Are you comparing my darling Nami to a bunch of murderous shitty birds, Usopp?!"
"No, you see I meant, well you see. No Sanji don't. Stop! Zoro save me!"
"Be a man and save yourself. But I'll gladly beat that Ero-cook just for the pleasure of it."
"I'd like to see.."
"AND THEN SHANKS TOLD ME THAT TO FIND YOU ALL I HAD TO TRAVEL THE YELLOW BRICK SEA! And then a bunch of those little Tomato people came out and started singing funny songs and dancing. One looked like you Sanji and he was sucking a lollipop. Wait I think it might have been a penguin?"
"See penguins are evil. They attack you in your sleep when you least expect it."
"No wait, I think he was a dog? He wanted me to join his Lollipop Guild. But I'm the Captain so I said no. I'm the one who is supposed to tell everyone what to do."
" Nami does that too, Luffy. Can we get some Lollipops on the next island? And candy and cakes.
"Sure Chopper. And Meat. Sanji make sure you buy more meat!"
"Don't forget Cola. I'm SUPER low right now."
"I do believe I would like to try some new flavours of Coffee. I have heard the locals in this area have developed some interesting flavours."
"I would quite like some more Tea as well. It helps me concentrate on my compositions."
"I haven't had Pike in ages."
"Saki."
"Guys, guys, don't forget who has to budget for all this. Me! Not Sanji, but me! Stop being so selfish and think of all those bikini tops I could buy with the money you waste. Hell Sanji, plug your nose up already."
" Mellorine!"
" …meat.. meaaaaat.. Meaaaaaaaat… SHANKS!"
"Luffy! Not right in my ear! My heart nearly exploded out of my chest!"
"Shishishi. Oh yeah a heart. My real dream! I went to find you guys on the Yellow Brick Sea and met this weird Scarecrow guy. I thought it was Buggy cause he kept falling apart but he didn't have a red nose. He did have a straw afro though and kept singing to me about finding him a brain as he was missing one."
"Yohohoho?"
"I thought it sounded like fun so I told him we could find it together. We had lots of fun beating up Marines until this man made of metal got in the way? He was looking for a heart…"
"What the hell are you all looking at me for?"
"Heartless man of who uses metal, it screams Zoro"
"Zoro did you sneak into my real dream?"
"Huh? No!"
"Come on Marimo, you sleep so much no-one would be surprised if it was a new Haki skill you perfected. Dream perversion."
"Hmph, Says the biggest pervert of them all."
"Thanks for the compliment"
"Franky-san I believe, Zoro-san was referring to Sanji-kun"
"Zoro is so awesome!"
"No way am I taking the hammock next to Zoro tonight. Keep away from my dreams, you monster! It makes sense now why you winked at me two days ago. I swear that's the only time I dreamt of you naked."
"…"
"…"
"…"
" Usopp, we simply must hear more of your dream."
"Err… I…. Umm… It was nothi.. LUFFY! What happened next? Really, we need to know what happened next. Like now. Immediately. This very moment. I insist!"
"We'll talk later, Long-nose…"
*Gulp*
" Heh right, my adventure. Me and the Scarecrow guy and the heartless Metal man…"
"Zoro."
"Shut the fuck up, Cook"
"We beat up more Marines and found a dragon. We killed and ate it and it was tasty. And we saw a Crocodile riding a camel, and people with wings and beat up on some pirates who said the Sunny was ugly and then we met a lion in a forest."
" A lion? Lions eat Reindeer. I wouldn't want to meet a lion."
"Don't worry, the Lion wasn't mean. It was a nice Lion. I did try and kill it for dinner, but it said it tasted bad and lions always tell the truth. So I didn't. I made him join my crew instead."
"Let me guess, the lion wanted something? There's always a catch."
"Nami-kun is so smart."
"That's because I'm a woman. Women are naturally smart."
"Nami, you ARE smart, it's why you're in my crew, and WOW you can read minds! The Lion said it wanted to find some Courage. Which is silly as Lions are meant to be brave anyway."
"Why are you all looking at me now?!"
"…Just great. I look at Usopp but think naked Zoro now."
"?!"
"Curlybrow has been hiding something in the closet."
"Shut it Shitty swordsman or I'll beat you down."
"Sanji-san, I would perhaps consider a different turn of phrase."
"Yohoho, I'm sure we can solve this issue without violence. Perhaps if Miss Nami would show us her…"
"Finish that sentence about our beautiful navigator and I'll be beating on your bones too."
"…"
"…."
"…"
"… Super awkward…"
"SANJI NO! DON'T DO IT, NO! WAIT, I'LL SAVE YOU!"
"Chopper you can't swim!"
"Reindeer and suicidal cook overboard!"
"Shishishi"
Twenty Seven minutes later…
"…and that's how I met the doll made of plates who wanted to learn to read. And then she and me and the brainless scarecrow guy and the metal man and the shaking Lion and the weird little dog with the red nose and the Den Den Mushi with the funny curly shell and the Pumpkin-head woman and hairy robot all got on the Sunny so we could find this Wizard that Shanks said could help us and tell me where you all were."
"That was quite impressive 'bro. Not a single breath between."
"Not quite as good as the time, Luffy held up a whole conversation during a six hour binge feeding though, Franky. Of course I had eaten far more…"
"Ahh yes, I was most awed by that feat, Mr Usopp."
"Wait you can't be awed until I've finished my story!"
"Ladies. Lovely ladies…"
"Guys, I think Sanji is coming around."
"Zoro, I swear to Enel, if you undo any more of your shirt buttons, I'll sell your swords at a discount price."
"I was just going to give Love Cook a little show of that man flesh he loves so much."
"My patient does not need any stress! I thought it was Usopp, not Sanji, that had the naked dream of you, Zoro?"
"LIES! DAMNABLE LIES! I said I dreamt of Sea urchins! Where you got that notion I was dreaming of a muscular naked and sweating Zoro, I just don't know Chopper?"
"Oh I'm sorry Usopp."
"…naked ladies.. Mellorine!"
"I don't know whether to facepalm or start balancing up all this blackmail material. Take Note: Sanji and Usopp are clearly obsessed with naked Zoro."
"Lies!"
"Shitty swordsman!"
"I'll tweak a nipple if it helps?"
"Robin, we're the only sane people left on this ship! The ONLY ones. Save me from them!"
"I will endeavour to do my best, Nami-san."
"Mr Luffy, I would be most keen to learn more of your adventuring dream. I would dream myself but I do not have a head to do so. Yohohoho! "
"Sure Brook. I wanted to see this Wizard guy so he could help me find you but then the Wicked Witch of the Beard got in the way and wanted to take my hat! I went all Gomo Gomu no Bazooka and Gomu Gomu no Gatling Gun all over his butt."
"Captain bro, I think we need to lay off the male anatomy mentions. Sanji is looking less then cool right now."
"Meat always makes me feel better. Sanji should get some meat. "
"Luffy!"
"Sorry Captain, but I think we lost Sanji again."
"Perhaps we should consider a list of words to avoid today?"
"Ooh, good idea Robin. Losing consciousness all the time like this is not good for my patient."
"I just wanted to tell you guys the dream I had. You keep interrupting. It's not nice"
"Sorry"
"Sorry, Captain"
"We'll listen now"
"I was fighting Wicked Beard who kept trying to take my hat but I was too good so he brought in his army of Old Men with Major Wounds and they started attacking the friends I made. It was all very Fighty ."
"…that's not a…"
"Shhh"
" He got me all distracted and while I wasn't looking he took my hat and ran away! We chased him but he was too fast. I was so angry that we crashed the ship into this Seastone Tower where the Wizard lived. The Wizard wasn't happy and we started shouting at each other cause I was angry as well cause of that Stupid Beard."
"Who was the wizard, Luffy?"
"The Wizard was the wizard. Who else would he be?"
"What did the damn wizard look like?"
"Like Jimbei? Only he was called the Wizard, not Jimbei. It would be funny if there were two Jimbei. Then we could take one with us while the other was doing what Jimbei is doing now. It would be neat if there were two of me."
"Two Luffy's? I would die of exhaustion trying to feed both of you."
"And he's back in the room."
"The Wicked Beard was wearing my hat so I snatched it off his head and used my Elephant gun to knock him into the Yellow Brick Sea where he vanished for good. But the Wizard was a liar. After I made the Wicked Witch go away he said he would help me find everyone and give my new friends what they wanted but then he said he couldn't."
"When did we go from arguing with the Wizard to defeating the Wicked Witch?"
"No, Luffy you can't skip bits in the middle of a story! It doesn't make sense that way. You'll never be as good as me if you don't tell it right."
"I didn't miss anything. That's how my dream went. I got my hat back and beat Witch Beard and the Wizard didn't want to keep his promise."
"Just leave him to it. This story is taking a long time as it is. I'm surprised Luffy hasn't gotten distracted already."
"Yohoho, I think we have caused enough of a distractions ourselves."
"It must be near dinner-time now?"
"You. Get. Bread. And Water. Marimo."
"Luffy-San did you ever find us in your dream?"
"I did! The Wizard said I had to sail to the end of the Yellow Brick Sea to find you all. He said he couldn't help me because I needed to do it myself. But he would be able to help all the friends I met along the way. We had a feast to celebrate with lots and lots of m…"
"Food!. You ate lots and lots of Food Luffy. We don't use the 'm' word right now."
"Is everything alright my beloved Nami-Chwan?"
"Nothing to worry about Sanji. Nothing at all"
" It was boring on my own but I finally got to the end of the Yellow Brick Sea and you were all there waiting for me and you were on Raftel!"
"And it turned out the One Piece was actually us, your closest friends and we all hugged and there were lots of crying. It's so beautiful and heart warming and I'm not crying. I'm NOT crying! "
*sobs*
"Aww, Nami's crying too."
"Don't be silly Franky. One Piece was treasure. Lots and lots of treasure."
"Ow!"
"Don't scare me like that Franky!"
"Nami?"
"One Piece had BETTER be treasure!"
"Nami is terrifying when she's angry."
"It's OK Chopper, I, great Captain Usopp will protect you by using my body as a shield against the she-demon"
*smack*
"Ow, Nami"
*SMACK*
"OW, Sanji!"
"Nami, you are being quite fiery. May I ask, can I see your Panties?"
*STOMP*
"Owohohoho!"
"Did you really find the One Piece, Luffy? Really, really?"
"Sure did, Chopper. That's why I became the Pirate King. And then I woke up. But I'm going to be the Pirate King for real someday… I'm hungry now. Sanji, feed me!"
" I'll start preparing dinner. A meal fit for a King today I think. After caring for the Princesses needs first of course."
" I'll have some sake."
"Go to hell, Marimo! I said Princesses, not the disgusting frog."
"Yow! I'm going to tinker with the engines"
"I shall take the inspiration the Captain's dream has given me to create another masterpiece."
"It is a nice day for reading on the deck."
"I'll join you, Robin. I need to work on my tan and how much to charge to prevent certain juicy information from spreading."
"I told you already, it was a Sea Urchin I was dreaming of!"
"Wow. Your face is really red right now."
"Oh no, Usopp has a fever! Doctor, doctor. We need a Doctor!"
"Chopper, you're the doctor."
"Oh. I knew that"
"That's because you're smart"
"That doesn't make me happy, you bastard."
"STOP STRIPPING IN MY KITCHEN MOSSHEAD!"
"ZORO STOP ANTAGONISING, SANJI-KUN!"
"TELL DARTBOARD BROW TO STOP DROOLING OVER MY BODY!"
"I WOULDN'T EVEN SPIT ON YOU, IF YOU WERE ON FIRE!"
"You guys are funny!"