Title: Scandelous Liasons 1/5

Authors: Autumn and Jonas

Summary: There are no words…….Absolute madness………

Disclaimer: We own nothing and are making nothing from this little
venture.

Archive: DDFH, others ask please

Authors' Notes:

Autumn says: Chaos, this was a hell of a lot of fun. And Jonas is a
liar, he said he's not funny, I beg to differ.


Jonas says: Well, this was a first for me. Writing something together
like this and it has been a blast. Hope you all like what two
demented people can think up
*********************************************************

The mansion's adult residents were all loungeing around in the tv
room in front of the 60 inch screen, impatiently waiting for the show
to begin.

Soon enough, the theme music cued, and the camera focused in on a man
and a woman in a kitchen.........




"He's twice the man you'll never be. And I faked it every time!"

"You never fooled me. It wasn't exactly Oscar-material, really.
Take an acting class if you want to be convincing. And besides,
I faked it too."

"That's impossible!"


"No, no. Very easy really. You just need to know the
trick, really. Takes time to learn but you're so frigid
I'd have to learn it..."


You idiot! I'm a REAL actress in a Primetime show!

Oh, is that what it's called now? I thought it was called
the Playboy channel.

You bastard! You don't know what you're talking about!

But I saw you there, I swear! Either that or a look-alike.
You don't have a twin you haven't told me about?


"What the hell are you babbling about? What trick? I've never heard
of it!
And for the record, I'm pregnant with your brother's, cousin's,
husband's
baby!"

"No, I'm not surprised you've never heard of it. Every guy you ever
been
with learned it fast enough though. And you can't possibly be having
his
baby since he's infertile. Just admit it, you were careless when you
were on that street-corner and one of your customers."


"What the hell are you talking about?!"

"That every former boytoy you've had obviously faked it. They even
faked
their
erection, which is a must with someone as frigid as you."

"Obviously you don't know what you're talknig about, as usual. And
how
DARE you call me a prostitute!"

"Of course I know what I'm talking about. I bribed the doctor to make
him
sterile when he was in the hospital to get his appendix removed. And I
only call things as I see them."

"Go to hell! You don't even know what you're talking about. And
that is a
physical imposibility you jerk! Just because you're impotent, that
doesn't
mean everybody is!"

"I've been in hell. All those years with you so I know firsthand how
frigid
and cold you are. And I'm not impotetent. All those times I've been
forced
to undergo that annoying thing where I had to prove I'm not the
father should be enough to dispell that little rumour. I thought it
was impossible too for someone to have sex without an erection but
that didn't stop them."


"Well obviously you got fooled, which isn't surprising. And where do
you
have room to stand? You're a stripper for Christsakes, that works for
ree!"

"Hey, didn't know you wanted me back so badly you had to come and see
the
show. But I don't do it for free. Well, the management doesn't pay me
but
all the ladies in the audience are more than willing."


"If you say so...I'm sure Pamela Anderson and Anna Nicole Smith
said so too..."

"Shut up!"

Hit a bit too close to home eh? You really need to learn how
to deal with the truth. Trying to deny how you are will
only bring you unhappiness. On second thought, keep it up.


"And you cheated on me too?! Why bother pretending you stupid
asshole?
And by the way, SIZE DOES MATTER!"

"Well, of course I cheated on you too. Payback's fair and all that.
If you
hadn't tried to enter the Guiness book of records as the sluttiest
person
in history this wouldn't have happened. And what's it with that
hockey-team
you were 'dating'? One guy at a time not enough for you?"


"I wasn't coming to see you. I was coming to see Spencer. He's a
real
man, not a lousy excuse like you."

"A man? 'He' doesn't even have the proper equipment to be called a
man."


"Not at all. I just don't like being compared to a blonde bimbo.
You're a
cruel bastard. I hope you go to hell!"

"They're not bimbos! It's just your jealousy of their looks that's
making itself known again! And I told you already, I've already been
to hell for some years and it's all your fault!"

"Jerk. You were brobably just trying to beat off again, which is
really
rediculous given that you need a magnifying glass just to fing your
equipment in the first place."

Trying? You don't think I don't know how to do that? I've had to learn
that being with you so I wouldn't go crazy over the lack of a sex-
life.
And tiny? At least it's there which is more than you can say about
your
brain and common sense.

"Well I wouldn't have had to in the first place if you weren's so
damn lousy in the sack, Christ a teenage boy could perform better
than you! And leave the Maple Leafs out of this."

"I thought you were into teenage boys actually with that kinky ideas
of
yours that they ought to be teached how to do it properly. I
absolutely
refuse to leave the Maple Leafs out of this! You're distracting them
when
they should be concentrating on that tournament!"

"That's not my fault and it's none of your fucking business!"

"Hey, I am a major sponsor so it's my business! And if not,
I make it mine!"

"Just didn't you leave if you were so unhappy!"

"Well, I tried. But whenever I did that someone would inexplicably
turn
up with a hammer and wanted to have some fun involving said hammer
and my fingers."


"And as for teenagers, well they should so they don't suck at it as
much as you do!"

"Hate to break this to you. No, I don't. I love it! But there's
two to sex and if you hadn't just lied there as if you had been
dead it would have been a lot more enjoyable."

********************

Every head turned to look at where Logan and Marie were sitting on
the couch. "What? It's reality television. Maybe we went a little
out of character, but it's all in good fun" the brown haired woman
relpied.

"This is going to be on, every night right?" St John questioned.

"Yeah" Logan answered.

"I think it's gonna be a hit." Scott added.

"However, if you were really like that, I'd suggest a hell of a lot
of counseling" Jean jabbed lightly.

"So, this on tommorrow?"

"Yep. Same bad time, same bad channel" Logan grinned.

"Now if you'll excuse us, I think it's time for the make up eqation
of that little fight." Marie stated before pulling Logan up and
dragging him towards the bedroom coridour of the school.

********************************