"Everything ok, EDI?" Traynor asked, peering into the AI core sheepishly. "Joker said you seemed upset." EDI regarded the woman carefully, arms pulled close around herself.
"I'm… contemplating," she said. "About Shepard. Why she didn't come back."
"We all saw what happened," Traynor said heavily, stepping into the room fully now. "She took a Reaper beam to the face and spent her last moments activating the Crucible. She must have died making sure it worked."
"But while she was inside the Citadel, I performed scans, tests…" she paused, tilted her head. "The findings were… troubling."
"What do you mean?" Traynor asked. Her tone was casual, but her head pounded and the pit of her stomach ached, heavy with the stress of the last several months. EDI's eyes focused somewhere on her visor.
"The energy for the Crucible was drawn from the amassed fleets," she said. "There were three potential functions that were unlocked at certain energy levels… the function with the lowest requirement would have destroyed all synthetic life but would have left organics unharmed. The second function would have allowed her to control the Reapers at the cost of her own life. The third function was inaccessible to her."
"So she chose to control them, clearly," Traynor mused, remembering the sight of Reapers, glowing blue, gathering materials to repair the mass relays.
"But I don't understand…" EDI trailed off, eyes narrowing, eyebrows drawing together. "Shepard always insisted synthetics should have as much autonomy as organics. When presented with the option to rewrite a rogue sector of geth or destroy them, she chose to destroy them, saying rewriting them was comparable to brainwashing. She supported my pursuit of understanding human behavior and determining my own course. She laughed at my jokes and she…"
"It sounds like you miss her," Traynor suggested, suddenly fighting a lump in her throat and rapidly blinking stinging eyes. EDI looked to the floor, drawing her shoulders up and apparently thinking hard.
"She said she would come back," she said softly. "'I'll be back before you know it,' she told Jeff. I knew it was unlikely, but I ignored the data. I ran simulations all evening and every last one showed a less than .333% chance of her returning, but I believed her. I knew, but I waited for her. Why?" The question caught Traynor by surprise, sideswiped her and left her spinning. The tears that had been pooling spilled over, and she shrugged sadly.
"The same reason the rest of us waited for her," she said shakily. "No one wants to face the fact that someone they love might not make it back. Sometimes truth and reality are unpleasant, so we ignore it. Denial, the classic unhealthy coping mechanism."
"Every time the door to the bridge opens," EDI admitted, still in a soft, contemplative tone, "I expect her. She always came to speak with Jeff and I. She was kind to me before anyone else was."
"She was the kindest woman I've ever met," Traynor chuckled. "She was a saint. I gathered she wasn't always that way, though. It's hard to imagine."
"I understand she was once quite ruthless," EDI said, finally looking Traynor in the eyes. "I saw that side of her on Rannoch, when she shot Legion and allowed the Geth to be decimated. When she pulled the trigger again and again, I almost didn't recognize her. There was no passion, just cold, calculation. It was… difficult to watch. Difficult to justify. By all accounts the quarians were the aggressors. I believe she saved them because she saw them as more valid. She saved them because they were organic. I refused to speak with her for several days after."
"You were angry," Traynor supplied. "Understandably. But I can tell you she took no pleasure in what happened, and it certainly wasn't a question of organic versus synthetic. She wanted her best friend to have a home and lost sight of the bigger picture. She does that. Did that."
"I still don't understand," EDI said, suddenly pacing the room, arms once again crossed over her midsection. "Had she chosen to destroy the Reapers and all synthetics, she would have had a chance at survival. She could have accomplished her goal and lived to tell about it. She had the choice to live or die… she chose to die. Why?" The final word hung in the air, and Traynor grasped for it blindly, hoping the answer would come with it.
"Sometimes I think you knew her better than I did," she admitted, leaning back on the wall and kicking it lightly. "Why do you think she did it?" For a moment EDI pondered, eyes distant as she sorted through conversations, instantaneously playing back every conversation she had with the Commander, searching for patterns. Within seconds she had a conclusion.
"Nearly every action the commander has taken since we met was to protect someone else," she stated. "Her own survival was always a secondary concern when another's was at risk. She must have been protecting someone…" Their eyes met, both of them seemingly thinking the same thing. "Oh."
"EDI…"
"She sacrificed herself because of me," the AI nearly whispered, eyes roaming the room helplessly. "This- this is because of me."
"It's not your fault," Traynor insisted. "Her actions were her own, and her sacrifice was for all of us."
"But I was the deciding factor," EDI retorted. "I was the only remaining synthetic she had a personal attachment to. Were it not for me, she would have had no reason not to destroy them all and… survive. Shepard died for me. I… I feel…"
"Guilt," Traynor supplied. "It's understandable, but you shouldn't dwell on it. I know it's unpleasant, but I can promise you when Shepard made the sacrifice she had a long, happy life in mind for you. She would want you to be happy, to remember her with gratitude. She gave you a gift, EDI, and she would want you to use it."
"I am… grateful," EDI said, choosing the word carefully. "But devastated, like there's just empty space where she used to be. It feels wrong."
"You know energy can't be created or destroyed," Traynor said with a bitter laugh. "All that fire, all that stubbornness and determination and love… it's all still there. In a way I can still feel her when I look at the things she's done. The lives she's saved. I see civilizations rebuilding, babies being born and families reunited thanks to her. She may be gone, but all the kindness she poured into the galaxy is still here. She's still here." EDI nodded slowly, a faint smile tugging at her lips.
"That's a wonderful way to think of it," she said finally. "There's a quote that many species have used for centuries; to paraphrase, 'a person dies twice—once when the spirit leaves the body, and again when their name is spoken for the last time.' As long as I live, I will never cease to speak her name. It is the least I can do."