A\N:
Hello guys. Thank you for opening my fanfic. J
Summary: Back in high school, Saga made a misleading thing. As time went by, Onodera made bad decisions that led to even worse circumstances.
Characters: Onodera Ritsu, Takano Masamune, Yokozawa Takafumi, Kisa Shouta, Yukina Kou, Kohinata An, OC
Contains: Drama, romance, bad language, suicidal thoughts, self-harm, hurt/comfort, and KISA X ONODERA for a few scenes
"Stay away from any minute of joy that can bring you a lifetime of sorrow."
― Dennis E. Adonis
On a hot, summer day, his college friends decided to have a party that night. Onodera didn't want to go, but one of his best friends, Tomoka kept on insisting him to go, not accepting any other answers than yes. So, in the end, Onodera affirmed with a deep sigh.
He and Tomoka were on their way to a bar, the stars shone on the night sky above them. At that late time there weren't so many people on the streets.
The girl kept chit-chatting, while walking beside Onodera, but the young boy, in his early twenties, didn't listen.
He knew exactly how his friend felt for him. He knew, but he didn't want to ruin their friendship with noticing it. Even though he already did. He just didn't want to let Tomoka know this fact.
And the other reason he couldn't give a chance to the beautiful girl with huge, chocolate brow eyes, and long black hair; this reason was something he doesn't tell anyone.
He didn't love girls. Never in his life. He still didn't know if it was because of his orientation, or...
Or because of a black-haired boy from high school.
He remembered clearly when he fell deeply in love with that guy, and the time he preciously kept in his heart locked away, the time when he confessed, and the other dated him.
And he also remembered that morning that meant a tragic event for him... when he asked the guy if he loved him, and he laughed. He covered his mouth with his palm, and laughed.
It was a big shock that Onodera, who was fifteen back then, kicked the boy out, then switched school, and never saw the boy again.
Long time passed, but he couldn't erase these memories out of his mind. Now he was in college, he had friends, and he even joined some parties. He never thought he would do something like that before. But he changed a lot.
"And then... Onodera, are you with me?" Tomoka asked, raising his eyebrows as she noticed that the boy didn't listen.
"Ah, y-yeah, I'm sorry," Onodera laughed nervously, scratching the back of his head. "W-What did you say?"
"That An-chan must be missing you," Tomoka sighed, patting the boy on his shoulder. "So, you didn't listen."
"I did!" the young boy replied, but the girl just chuckled.
Onodera rolled his eyes, smiling at his best friend as they arrived at the bar. In front of the door, there stood their college classmate.
"Yo, Onodera, Kawada," he greeted them.
"Good evening, Matsuda-kun," Onodera smiled, but Tomoka didn't seem to bother herself with greeting the boy.
Matsuda moved away, letting the two young in.
The bar was huge. There were many people, twenty or thirty at least. Some kind of red lamp was lit up covering the place into red, and a music Onodera didn't know was played.
"Wow," he blinked as he looked around.
"This light is awful," Tomoka said, frowning.
"I think it's cool," the brunette replied as they took a step in.
Some people waved in their direction when they saw Onodera and Tomoka, but the most of them didn't know them, so they didn't really pay any attention.
"Volume down for a minute," Matsuda came in, standing behind the brunette and the girl. "This is Onodera and Kawada. I guess some of you might not know them. Have fun!"
With that, someone turned the volume up and it was louder than before.
Onodera pointed at an empty couch, and they sat down on it.
"Let me repeat... this light is awful," Tomoka said again, looking around in disgust.
"Just try to enjoy the party," Onodera chuckled, glancing at the girl beside him.
Tomoka nodded with a deep sigh, rolling her eyes as she stood up. "I'll go get something to drink."
"Okay," Onodera replied.
The girl left, and the brunette just sat there, surrounded by people he didn't know. He turned his gaze at the couch across him, where a young couple were making out. Then he looked at another one, where he saw some boys, who may be older than him. After that, he saw Matsuda in front of him.
"Yo!" he said.
"Hey."
"Do you enjoy the party so far?"
"I haven't really done anything yet," the brunette laughed.
"Yeah, right. And where's your cute girlfriend?" Matsuda asked with a naughty smile.
"S-She's not my girlfriend," Onodera mumbled, but the other couldn't hear him.
"Huh?"
"I said she's not my girlfriend," the brunette leaned closer, and repeated it louder.
Matsuda laughed. "I've never heard you talking about girls. Have you ever had a girlfriend before?"
"Eh?" Onodera blushed deeply, but thanks for the red light, Matsuda couldn't see it. "Err... I had one," he lied.
"Really? Tell me about her!"
"Gosh, Matsuda, it was years ago," he lied again, taking a deep breath.
"Okay, okay," the boy waved his hand. "I'll go now, but I'll come back later."
Onodera just nodded, and watched the boy leaving. Then he looked around.
What takes Tomoka so long? I should find her.
He stood up to go and look for his friend, when he bumped into a black-haired boy.
"I'm sorry," Onodera immediately apologised, while the other turned.
The boy was as tall as he was, and he looked incredibly young. He had huge brown eyes, which he looked at the brunette's face with.
"That's okay, no need to apologise," he said. Even his voice sounded as if he wasn't older than sixteen.
"Ah... O-okay," Onodera laughed nervously, scratching his head.
"I'm Kisa by the way," the black haired boy introduced himself with a smile.
"I'm O-Onodera," the brunette bowed, then heard the other's laugh.
"Oh, gosh, you're at a late night party, you don't have to be this polite."
"Ugh..." Onodera looked at the boy that was still smiling.
"Anyways, I have never seen you before," Kisa pointed. "You must be a freshman."
"Yes, I am," Onodera nodded. "And you..."
"I'm your senior, boy! And I'm in last grade," Kisa answered.
"What? Really?" Onodera asked in disbelief. "Then you are older than me, aren't you?"
Kisa burst out laughing. "Yeah. Do I look so young to you?"
"Eh? N-no... I mean..." Onodera blushed in embarrassment. "Yes, I really thought you were younger than me."
"I'm 25 in fact." Kisa still laughed, patting Onodera on the shoulder. Then he leaned closer, whispering in the brunette's ear, "But people love my young look."
"Eh?"
"Here, a bottle of beer. I can't believe you haven't drunk anything yet."
Onodera just blinked as he held the beer Kisa gave him. The brunette just stared at him, but then raised the bottle to his mouth, starting to drink the alcohol, and in a few seconds, he drank the most of it. He and Kisa sat on the couch, and the black haired boy just gazed at him, eyes widened. As Onodera finished his beer, he reached for a new bottle on the table, opened it, and started to drink.
"That's the spirit…" Kisa whispered, laughing into his hand.
Onodera didn't reply, just kept on drinking, swallowing loudly. He finished his second bottle of beer in minutes again, and when he wanted to reach for the next, Kisa grabbed his hand tightly.
"Enough, freshman!"
"Don't tell me, what to do!" Onodera yelled, trying to pull his arm away, but the black haired boy seemed to be strong.
"Onodera, you drank enough, let's stop here," Kisa hissed, and as Onodera stood up, he stood up with him, trying to hold him back.
"I just want one more!" the brunette said, then burst out laughing.
Kisa narrowed his eyes, while looking at the already drunk boy. Onodera then looked deep into the boy's eyes.
"Just… one more and I'll stop."
Kisa sighed, looking at the bottles. "The last one, freshman."
Onodera, with a happy grin, reached for the beer, opened it, and started to sip it, then looked in the stairs' direction.
"I think we should go upstairs. It's too loud here. We can't talk."
"Heh… As you wish," Kisa giggled, then followed the brunette up on the stairs into a room.
"I would've never thought a bar has prepared rooms…" Onodera looked around, feeling dizzy, but yet drinking his beer.
"It's for the 'drunken sailors' like you," Kisa sighed. "Anyways, I didn't think you're this direct."
"Gah, don't say that," Onodera sat down on the bed. "We started to talk. Then let's talk. We can talk, can't we? It's nothing special…"
Kisa shook his head, taking a seat beside the brunette. "Why do you need alcohol this much? I mean, I can tell that you don't drink just for fun. I know cause I used to do it as well."
"You really wanna hear my story?"
Kisa nodded. "Why not?"
Onodera was completely drunk. He finished the third bottle of beer, while telling every single thing to Kisa about his love life, and how his not so long relationship was screwed up back when he was fifteen. He told him every detail.
When Onodera lifted his head up, the room started to spin, and he felt extremely dizzy. But he was surprised that the boy beside him silently listened, while he complained.
"All I can say is that it's the past, dude, you can't change it."
"Ya tryin' to be wise here?" Onodera asked, hiccoughing.
"Ha-ha, nope," Kisa laughed, placing his hand on the other's shoulder. "Just said something."
Onodera then lied down on the bed, staring at the spinning ceiling. He felt Kisa's gaze on him, but he didn't pay much attention to it as warm tears burned his eyes.
"He played with me…" he whispered, letting the teardrops slowly flow down on his red cheek.
Kisa sat closer to him, wiping the tears off of the brunette's face, taking a deep breath.
"But it doesn't mean it will happen again."
"Stop bein' wise, would ya? I just wanna pay back! I wanna play with him as he did with me!" Onodera hissed, sniffing, tears still flowing on his face. "I just want him to feel what I felt."
"Revenge won't satisfy you, dude," Kisa sighed, then leaned above the brunette, looking into his face. "But fine, let's take revenge on him tonight."
"How?" Onodera asked dumbly, but he immediately understood what the other was talking about, when Kisa hold both his arms down, and with a move, he was above him.
He slowly leaned down, and kissed the brunette deeply. Onodera tried to push him away, but he wasn't strong enough, thanks for those three bottles of beers he'd drunk. Slowly, the taste of the black haired boy started to feel super, and Onodera let him kiss his lips, he even kissed back.
Onodera moaned, when Kisa planted tiny kisses on his neck, then removed his shirt with his own, and licked Onodera's collarbones.
Onodera couldn't control himself; he sat up, making Kisa sit on his lap as he wrapped his arm around the boy's neck, kissing him. Kisa kissed back, biting the brunette's bottom lip gently, then licking it.
"Is it okay to do this? You're a man after all," Onodera asked, while gasping.
"If it wasn't okay, I wouldn't do this."
"But…"
"Shut up, you probably won't even remember the whole thing in the morning," Kisa frowned angrily, pulling the brunette's head closer, and licked his lips.
Onodera didn't protest. It felt way too good to say or do anything else, but continue. He opened his mouth, so Kisa could kiss him with his tongue, too. Onodera did the same, exploring in the boy's mouth with his tongue. It tasted like chocolate and a little alcohol.
After a long making out, they looked at each other, gasping, their chest rhythmically moved up and down as they inhaled and exhaled. Then Onodera turned, so he could be above Kisa, and he started to kiss and bite the black haired boy's neck. He groaned under the brunette, while Onodera slowly kissed his whole body, going down and down, until he reached his hips.
"Shit, you're damn good, freshman," Kisa hissed, his face was deep red.
"This is the first time I'm doing something like this," Onodera said, unbuttoning the boy's jeans.
"Ha-ha," Kisa laughed as he ran his fingers through the other's hair. "It's not my first if you wanna know."
"Somehow I figured it out," Onodera threw a naughty grin to Kisa, then continued his action, and removed his jeans.
Then he planted kisses on Kisa's body again, softly touching his manhood. The black haired boy groaned loudly, grabbing the brunette's hair tightly, throwing his head back on the pillow. Being turned on, he sat up, just to get above the brunette again, removing his jeans with his pants.
"You're copying me, aren't ya?" Onodera laughed, inhaling deeply.
"Just let me do it, freshman."
Kisa grabbed Onodera's manhood, and started to move his hand slowly, making the brunette moan loudly, eyes wide shut. As he did this, he kept on kissing, licking and biting Onodera's neck, his black locks softly tickling the boy's skin.
Onodera inhaled and exhaled fast, while removing Kisa's pants, and started to do the same thing as the other. They both groaned in pleasure, their fingers in each other's hair.
It didn't take so long for them to come, and as they finished, they lied on the bed, taking deep breathes.
After a few minutes, they put their clothes on, sitting on the bed.
"Do you feel any better, drunken freshman?" Kisa asked.
"Dunno… Maybe," Onodera replied, then lied down on the bed, and fell asleep immediately.
The morning sun shone too brightly as Onodera opened his eyes, waking up, and having a horrible hangover. He sat up, then lied back immediately, when he felt like he would throw up. Besides, he had a terrible headache, too. He glanced at the ceiling, which was spinning above him.
He couldn't recall the whole night. He remembered coming to have a party with college friends, and Tomoka as she went to grab something to drink, but everything else was unclear. He tried to sit up again, this time more slow. He let out a groan, while rubbing his temples.
He turned his head, and he saw a black-haired boy beside him. He frowned, then suddenly everything was clear. He blushed in embarrassment, and as he wanted to get off of the bed, he fell off of it, and hit the floor with a loud sound. It woke Kisa up, and he sat up on the bed quickly, looking around, then saw Onodera on the floor.
"What the heck are you doing?" he asked.
"I tried to get up," Onodera murmured, standing up, but he felt so dizzy he almost fell again.
Kisa quickly jumped to the boy, and grabbed his shoulder, so he could remain standing.
"How are you feeling?"
"Well, if I don't count the headache and the dizziness, I'm pretty fine, thanks for asking," Onodera replied sarcastically, the sighed. "I'm sorry. I feel like crap."
"I'm not even surprised. I told you not to drink that much. But you didn't listen," Kisa giggled, then let go of the boy.
Onodera sighed as he took a few steps towards the door. He felt Kisa's gaze on his back.
"I'm going downstairs. Won't you come?"
"Do you even remember what just happened last night?" Kisa crossed his arm.
Onodera blushed. "Yes, I do."
Kisa just shook his head, taking steps towards the brunette, putting his chin on his shoulder.
"We had so much fun, haven't we?"
"E-Eh? Y-Yeah, I guess…"
"And do you feel any better, Mr. Avenger?" Kisa whispered passionately in Onodera's ear, making him blush again deeply.
Onodera took a shaky breath, not looking at the black haired boy, who became a demon in his eyes. They have just done that. Slowly, he started to remember tiny pieces of their talk, and he remembered telling the boy about how much he wanted to take revenge on someone he hasn't seen since high school, and who probably doesn't even remember him.
"No, I don't feel better at all."
"Tsk, beginner…"
"What?"
"What?" Kisa laughed out loud, then grabbed the brunette's arm, pulling him out of the room. "Come on, let's go downstairs. I'm dying for some food."
Onodera let the boy lead him down, greeting the people who spent the night in the bar as well as they did.
"Oh, Onodera, you're still here?" Matsuda asked as he glanced at the two boys.
"Ah, yeah, I drank too much," Onodera laughed, feeling embarrassed.
"Do you have food? I'm starving," Kisa asked, taking a seat on the couch he and Onodera sat last night.
"Sorry, if you're hungry, you have to go to the next fast food store or something," Matsuda replied, then picked his phone, and started to dial a number.
Kisa stood up with an annoyed sigh, scratching his head, mumbling something like 'I can't believe it'. Onodera just smiled a little. His chest terribly hurt. He felt guilty, like he just cheated on someone. But at the same time, he felt stupid for thinking this. He kept telling himself to give up on that high school love already, and move on, but it wasn't that easy.
He hasn't done anything like that since he did that with Saga-senpai. After their quick 'breakup' he decided to never fall in love. He didn't want to get hurt that much again.
"Oi, are you with us?" Kisa waved in front of him, bringing him back to the reality.
"Oh, y-yeah. Sorry, I was just thinking."
"Is everything okay, freshman?" the boy asked, softly touching his shoulder.
Onodera turned his head to face Kisa, and they were so close that they slowly leaned towards each other, almost reaching each other's lips, when a loud voice interrupted.
"Hey, don't be so lovey-dovey here! We're about to go and grab something to eat. Wanna join, or you'll go to a honeymoon?" Matsuda laughed, while some people looked at them in frown.
"Geez shut up, bastard!" Kisa sighed, then walked towards the boy, and Onodera followed, feeling embarrassed. Like, damn, how many times does that boy plan to make him embarrassed?
As they walked on the sidewalk, Onodera stepped beside Matsuda.
"I'll go home now. Thanks for the invitation."
"Eh? Are you going already?"
"Yeah. I partied enough," the brunette shrugged, then waved, and left the little group as he crossed the road.
He inhaled deeply, exhaled long, while walking home, thinking about last night. He already knew what happened between him and that black haired senior boy, but everything was blurry because of that pretty big amount of alcohol he had. Even though, it was just three bottles of beers.
"Hey, wait!"
Onodra turned as he heard the voice from behind, and he saw Kisa running after him. He blushed, and he couldn't say why.
"Umm… H-Hi," he greeted the boy, but honestly, he just wanted to get home.
"I just wanted to tell you that we'll have a party next weekend, too. You can come, if you want."
"I don't know," Onodera answered simply, not looking at the boy.
"If you change your mind, and wanna come, just call me, here's my number," Kisa said, placing a little piece of paper in the brunette's hand gently. "Though, I wouldn't mind if you called me more."
"Eh?" Onodera blushed, taking a hurried step back.
"Geez, I didn't mean anything bad, freshman," Kisa took a deep breath. "I just wanna say that we could hang out, or something."
"Oh…"
Onodera put the paper in his pocket, then nodded. Kisa smiled.
"And any time you need a cheer up, just say so," he winked, then left the shocked Onodera with a wave.
Onodera just raised his hand, but didn't wave, though he was very shocked. He immediately headed home, and as he reached the house, he entered, and ran up the stairs to his rooms, not even greeting his parents.
He lied down on the bed, pushing his face into the pillow, his cheek burned.
"Hey, Ritsu!" his mother stepped into the room, crossing his arm. "You were out all night, and coming home you don't even greet us?"
"I'm sorry, mum," Onodera sighed as he slowly sat up. "I'm just exhausted."
"Yeah. But you should have at least called us! I and your dad was so worried," the woman scolded him, but Onodera didn't look at her.
"I'm sorry," he mumbled, his gaze turned down.
His mother sighed. "Get some rest then. I will wake you up if the lunch is ready."
The brunette just nodded, and as his mother left his room, he closed it and lied back on the bed, staring at the white ceiling, the sun brightened the whole room. But no matter how bright the sun shone, Onodera felt like he was in a black hole.
Afternoon, someone chimed in, and Onodera opened the door, just to see An-chan outside.
"Good day, Ricchan," she greeted in her soft and sweet voice. Onodera let her in. "I missed you, you know. You should contact me sometimes."
"I'm sorry, An-chan," Onodera sighed. "I've been quite busy lately."
The girl just chuckled, then picked a little box out of her bag, and gave it to the boy.
"Here, I brought it for you."
"Oh, thank you. What is this?"
"Open it, and you'll see," An-chan smiled as she wandered to the kitchen to greet Onodera's mother.
As usual, the woman greeted her back cheerfully, hugging her, just as if she was her daughter. And Onodera knew exactly why. Just like Tomoka, An-chan was in love with him, too, moreover she already confessed him once. Although Onodera rejected her, and told her that he just wants to be friends with her. The girl seemed like understanding it, so he didn't bother himself thinking about it. He had someone else to think about.
And now, this black haired boy totally confused him. He wasn't sure if the guy wanted more or was just sassy, but he felt embarrassed and guilty, and he couldn't stand it, though his soul was broken for years. And if he could, he would have already thrown these feelings, but… he just couldn't get over.
"I will leave now, I just came to say hello," An-chan then said, turning to Onodera, suddenly giving a soft kiss on his cheek. "I will see you next time, Ricchan."
She left, and Onodera stood there, not even closing the door after the girl. He unconsciously touched his cheek, then sighed.
"Ritsu, wanna have some snacks?" his mother asked as the boy passed by.
"No. I'll be in my room, reading," Onodera replied, then wandered up the stairs.
He always did this. If he felt too much pressure on his shoulder, he just grabbed a book, and started to read, getting deeper and deeper into the story that led him into another world, and made him forget all his problems even if just for a short time.
So did he now as well, picked his favourite book, opened it, smelling the scent of the paper, then started to read the story.
The brunette yawned tiredly, and decided to have a break. He put the book down, and checked the time on his phone. He was surprised, when he saw it was already 3 in the morning. He sighed, and walked out to the bathroom, taking a quick shower, then having only a short on, he lied down. He was about to sleep, but his phone rang, and he picked it up in annoy.
"Yes?" he asked in a bothered tone.
"Hey, easy, freshman!" a freaking familiar voice laughed on the other side. Onodera sighed. "Matsuda gave me your number. I asked for it since you didn't call me."
"So you're gonna be my harasser?" Onodera asked with a sigh.
Kisa laughed loudly. "No, you idiot. But I can be, if ya want so."
"No way in hell," Onodera mumbled, scratching the back of his head. "Anyways, why are you calling this late?"
"Eh…"
Awkward silence filled everything. Kisa didn't say anything for quite a while, but then he sighed deeply.
"I wanted to say sorry."
"Sorry for what?" Onodera was surprised.
"You know, I took advantage of your drunkenness. I'm sorry."
Onodera mentally face palmed himself. 'And you suddenly feel sorry?' was what he wanted to ask, but he just inhaled deeply in the end.
"You don't need to apologise. Though I said I wanted to take revenge…"
"Oh, so you remember," Kisa laughed softly, which made Onodera's heart throb. "Yeah. I think it's both of our faults."
"Yes… But I'm a little confused, you know."
"Confused?"
"Yes. How do I put it? Well… I don't know. That night messed my head up. And now I don't know what to think or do."
Through the long silence, Onodera could hear Kisa's breath.
"I'm in the same situation, you know. Though, you aren't even my type," the boy laughed, making the brunette surprised again.
"What do you mean by that?"
"Eh…" Kisa laughed, and Onodera could tell he felt awkward. "Umm… Never mind, just forget it."
"If you say so," the brunette sighed again, rubbing his temple.
"Anyways, I hope you'll show up at the next party. See ya next time," Kisa said quickly, then hung up, not even giving the chance Onodera to say anything.
The boy just stared at the phone screen, before dropping it onto his bed, then he covered himself with the blanket, and fell asleep immediately. He decided to visit the next party. He was already twenty-two, he deserved fun.