It's an unusually calm night in the City, and for a split second you wonder if you're missing something. This is supposed to be the city that never sleeps, but right now it resembles a ghost town. You gulp harshly as a gust of wind sends chills down your spine, goose bumps erupting over the exposed skin of your arms, your shirt sleeves still rolled up from your day at work. It's the middle of summer, and the light evenings are your quiet guilty pleasure, the tangerine sky above the magnificent high rises in Manhattan, one of your favourite sights. But no picturesque sunset quite resembles that of the fiery redhead that's been at the forefront of your mind for as long as you can remember. You find yourself digging your bottom teeth into your top lip as you curse yourself for letting your mind drift back to her again, you were doing so well, at least that's what you told yourself.
A whiskey or two… or perhaps three would everything better, you told yourself quietly. It's been the week from hell and even though Friday is finally upon us, you know full well, your working week isn't over yet. From the moment, you decided that you wanted to become a lawyer, your ambition was to run your own firm, to have your name above the door, and whilst it's had its prize position at the entrance of the 50th floor alongside Jessica's (and now Louis'), its only now that you're the head honcho. Jessica's departure threw you off track, forced you down a path that you were not expecting to take anytime soon, and whilst this was supposed to be everything you'd ever wanted, that unnerving feeling at the pit of your stomach told you that you weren't quite ready.
The night she broke the news you found yourself three shots deep in whiskey, knocking them back like water as you stared out at the illuminated skyline of New York. You had always seen yourself as the big man around town, someone who was in another league to most, the 1%, and in that moment, hundreds of feet above the busy hum of the city, you truly felt like it. But it wasn't the newfound responsibility that had you feeling like that, it wasn't the murmurs around the office calling you the new managing partner, it was the small hand clinging on to yours, the petite fingers laced in-between your own. It was the supportive squeeze, letting you know that you weren't alone in all of this. It was Donna.
Your success could never truly be put into question, you have always been a high achiever, you never strived for anything less than perfection, yet you know in your heart of hearts that you would be nowhere without Donna. From the moment, she approached you in that bar all those years ago, you knew she was going to be an instrumental part of your life, and you never once wanted to object. Your connection from the word go was electric, the chemistry between the two of you unlike anything you had ever experienced, and what shocked you the most, is that it wasn't sexual. I mean sure, who are we kidding? The sexual tension was so thick in the air, you're surprised there were no fatalities, and as much as you wanted to keep it purely platonic, you couldn't. It's one of the few things in life you failed at.
When you come to think about it, most of the things you've failed at in life have been to do with Donna.
You failed to keep your feelings purely professional.
You failed to push them aside for over a decade, comparing any woman who you encountered against her.
You failed to act upon your feelings when you had the chance, when she gave you the chance.
And when you finally did, you failed to be the man that she deserved.
After thirteen long years since your last intimate encounter with her, you took her home that night, both finally giving in to the feelings that you had admitted to one another over the previous few months. Perhaps it was the alcohol coursing through your bodies, or the adrenaline that made you lose all sense of rationale, but the moment your bodies connected you felt a sense of home that you had been craving for, for most of your adult life.
You finally had it all: the business; the woman; the lifestyle, you were happy, you were unstoppable.
Your thoughts are interrupted as your phone vibrates in your trouser pocket, Mike's name flashing across the screen. You roll your eyes, knowing exactly what he was about to say "Mike"
"You're late"
"It's twenty past eight Mike, chill out" Your eyes glance at the street sign, clocking your current location "I'm at 29th and Park, I'm literally two minutes-" away. You pause, unable to finish your sentence as the air is knocked out of your lungs.
"Harvey?" You hear Mike's voice through the phone but you ignore him, slowly dropping your hand from your ear as you disconnect the call, your eyes fixated on the view in front of you. You blink once, twice, three times, hoping that the view before you was just a cruel figure of your imagination. But it wasn't.
Walking down 29th and park
I saw you in another's arms
Her hair is the first thing you see, her smile the second. You stop still, retreating to the side, not wanting to draw attention to yourself as you watch the scene unfold. Your heart pounds in your chest as the man by her side, throws an arm around her shoulders, pulling her closer against his broad frame before placing a chaste kiss on her head. Your eyes follow the path they're taking, your lips pulling to a frown as you notice the bar that they're about to enter.
It was the bar. Your bar.
Only a month we've been apart
You look happier
Saw you walk inside a bar
He said something to make you laugh
I saw that both your smiles were twice as wide as ours
Yeah, you look happier, you do
You cross the street, now even more desperate for a drink, your legs racing towards their destination. You try to keep looking ahead, but you find yourself glancing out of the corner of your eye at the two of them, laughing and joking at the entrance of the bar, her smile illuminating the building. It was that smile that you had grown to love waking up to , that gave you purpose to get through the day, it was that smile that you strived to win every single second you spent with her. You close your eyes momentarily as the familiar twinge in your chest showed its ugly head once more, a reminder that you no longer felt that happiness.
Ain't nobody hurt you like I hurt you
But ain't nobody love you like I do
Promise that I will not take it personal, baby
If you're moving on with someone new
For a while, things were truly great. In your eyes, you had won life. Every day was like winning the lottery- you woke up to the face of the woman you love, and you fell asleep at night watching her peacefully sleep beside you. Everything at the firm was ticking by just fine, you had showed the other firms in the city, that just because there was a new person sitting at the big boy desk, didn't mean your firm had stopped kicking ass. But it all came to a grinding halt. You watched helplessly as your flag on top of your Mount Everest was ripped up out of the ground, and all of your hard work was destroyed.
In a matter of hours, your firm was clinging on to a piece of thread, tittering on the edge of utter chaos, and your only way out was to go down a dark route that you promised yourself you would never take. Your integrity, although jaded at times, has always been something you treasured. It was unquestionable. There was right, and there was wrong, and yes at times, you could say that there was a grey area, or just a very thin line that needed to be toyed, but you knew your boundaries. But your integrity was a price you were willing to pay to save your firm, to save the jobs of all the people you pass in the corridor each day, there wasn't a doubt about it. But the thing about toxic situations and secrets, is that they poison you. They taint everything they come into contact with, and that's just what you did. You turned to the people you loved the most, and used them like emotional punch bags.
Mike took it. There were times he didn't want to, hell, there were times where he just wanted to knock you the hell out, but when you told him what you did, and why you did it- he understood. He begged you to tell Donna, told you that if she knew, that she would understand, but this was the woman you had spent the best part of your adult life besides, and you knew she wouldn't see past this.
So, you continued to use her as an emotional punch bag, hoping that one day soon, this would all blow over, the stress would subside, the toxic poison that was running through your veins, would disappear and that you would be normal again.
You loved her, hell... you still love her. You love her more than itself, and it was never your intention to hurt her. But you did, and you pushed her away, broke her down, dismantled a life you had been attempting to build for years. You made your choice, you chose your priorities and your relationship with Donna was collateral.
Watching her walk out of your apartment, tears streaming down her face, the wet mascara tracks trailing down her cheeks, her chest heaving from the tears she fought to hold back…well, it near enough broke you. The screams of your heated argument still echo between the four walls of your open plan living room. Her half empty wine glass sat on your kitchen counter for days before you found the courage to pour its contents down the sink.
You shake your head, cursing yourself mentally for opening the barely closed wound again. You exhale deeply, your pace quickening as you walk out of their sight, crossing the road without looking as you attempt to get to your destination before your brain talks you into doing something stupid... like stalking her date.
Mike looks at you with a pointed look as you enter the bar, his fingers tapping impatiently against the wooden bar top. You smile apologetically, but quickly roll your eyes at him, after all, you wouldn't want to appear soft now, would you?
He slides a glass over the bar top to you and you nod in thanks, quickly downing the smooth liquid, letting the warm sensation burn the back of your throat. It comforts you, and you automatically signal for the barman to pour you another.
"You're not wasting any time are you." Mike points out wide eyed. You don't give him an answer. "O…kay. What's wrong?"
The barman slides you another finger of whiskey, and just like the one before, it's gone before you know it. You signal for another. "Harvey, slow down."
You wipe your mouth with the back of your hand "No." You knock back another.
"Seriously Harvey" he reaches to take the glass out of your hand, but you shrug him away.
"If I wanted a goddamn lecture, I'd have gone out with my grandmother. Now either shut up, and drink your goddamn beer, or go home to your perfect fiancé"
Mike swigged his beer, shaking his head "you make it near goddamn impossible to be your friend sometime, you know, that, right?" He rolls his eyes "I get you're hurting Harvey, but it's been weeks, you need to pick yourself up."
"I'm fine." You huff. You were not about to start spilling your heart out to Mike, only thirteen-year-old girls at sleepovers do that shit.
"You're not, but okay."
The conversation quickly runs dry, and your company becomes anything but appealing to the younger lawyer. Your both know that no matter what he says or does, that your mood won't change, your demeanour wont falter. He excuses himself, telling you that Rachel wants to go over wedding plans before bed, and you simply nod, gaze now staring into a half empty beer bottle. He pats you on the back, a supportive squeeze on the shoulder as he bids you farewell, leaving you with your thoughts again.
'Cause baby you look happier, you do
My friends told me one day I'll feel it too
And until then I'll smile to hide the truth
But I know I was happier with you
The minutes have rolled into hours, and you have no idea what the time is. You could press the home button on your phone and check, but the level of alcohol in your system has made that impossible for your brain to comprehend. You're slumped in your seat in the corner of the bar, your gaze mindlessly scanning the room as you watch the numerous happy couples drinking and laughing away. Your screen lights up, your lock screen wallpaper glaring at you like some sort of sick joke. A wave of undefined emotion sweeps over you as you stare at the picture of the two of you, your mind wandering back to the day that it was taken. You were so happy- the smiles on your faces just epitomised the love you two felt for one another, a smile that you don't think will ever grace your lips again, at least not in this lifetime.
Sat in the corner of the room
Everything's reminding me of you
Nursing an empty bottle and telling myself you're happier
Aren't you?
Ain't nobody hurt you like I hurt you
But ain't nobody need you like I do
You skim through photo after photo, your facial expression changing constantly, a smile, to a frown, to…"stop it!" your movements grind to a halt as you hear a voice break through the crowd. Your head shoots up as you try and locate the voice before you hear it once again, this time in a form of a laugh. Your eyes narrow in to the source of the laugh as you slump further into your seat, she's here.
And so is he.
Your stomach churns, your pulse quickens, and for second you wonder if she's here because she knows you are? Perhaps she saw you earlier? Or maybe she spoke to Mike? Maybe this is her way of making you jealous- to show you what you're missing, or maybe to make a point that she's doing just fine without you.
You're all of a sudden very aware of how drunk you are, and if you were to stand up right now, you'd be certain to fall flat on your face and make scene. You weigh up your options and decide that quietly sitting where you are, torturing yourself by watching her, was the best way forward. Remain silent, unnoticed and hope that this visit is a fleeting one. They're leaning against the bar, her hand on his chest, smiling and laughing at every other word that he says, her eyes glistening in the dim lighting of the bar. You reach for your bottle, only to realise that its empty. You needed more alcohol. Well, you wanted more. But to get more, you'd have to stumble to the bar and come face to face with your worst nightmare. You can't help but smile as she snorts out a laugh, her face flushing red as she quickly covers her mouth up with her hand, embarrassed at the sound she had just created. You loved that sound. The low, unladylike noise that would escape her lips when she amused, a noise so authentic, so perfectly imperfect, so Donna.
I know that there's others that deserve you
But my darling, I am still in love with you
Your face falls as you watch the man she's with remove her hand from her mouth, to replace it quickly with his lips. The sight causes your blood to boil, for a small amount of bile to rise up your oesophagus, but most of all it caused your heart to break. You close your eyes, convinced that if you wished hard enough, you'd wake up in a minute and the last couple of months would all be some sick dream.
But I guess you look happier, you do
My friends told me one day I'd feel it too
I could try to smile and hide the truth
But I know I was happier with you
Baby, you look happier, you do
I knew one day you'd fall for someone new
Donna excuses herself from the man, no doubt to freshen up, and you take that as your opportunity to get the hell out of this place. You grab your phone and wallet, stuffing them into your trouser pockets as you stumble to your feet. Blood rushes to your head as you try and steady yourself, and you wonder just how wasted you look to everyone else right now. You inhale deeply as you make the courageous move to put one foot in front of the other, starting the gruelling and somewhat daring task of walking out of the bar. You put every ounce of your already faltering concentration into making it outside without face planting the floor, and when you do, you can't help but let out a breath that you didn't know you were holding. "Nice one Specter" You congratulate yourself in a low slur "Fuck yeah."
You look back through the bar window as she re-joins the man, and you gulp. You know you only have a couple of days before you see her grace the corridors of your firm, to see her sitting in the office that is only separated from yours by a thin wall. But the distance may as well be thousands of miles. Your chest tightens and you know you can't take anymore of this tonight, you needed your bed (and no doubt a lot tylenol), you needed peace.
You catch her zoning out of her conversation for just a moment, her hands busy fiddling away with her phone, typing a message. You turn to walk away, the cool night air whipping against your face, a pleasant feeling against your alcohol fuelled skin. Your heavy legs carry you along the sidewalk as your phone buzzes in your pocket, her name illuminating the screen alongside an envelope emoji. Your phone tells you Its 00:01 and even though you only saw her a matter of minutes ago, you still don't quite understand why she'd be messaging you at this time- or at all for that matter.
You hesitantly open the message, and your heart soars before quickly plummeting to the soles of your feet-
From: Donna
Thinking of you today. Your dad would be so proud of everything you have achieved. X
It hadn't even crossed your mind at what the date was, hell, if she hadn't had sent the message, you're not sure you would have remembered at all. Your vision blurs as you feel the sensation of hot tears pool around your eyes, but you're not crying because it's the anniversary of your dad's death, or because your body is 99% alcohol right now, and those tears are the only teetotal thing about you. You're crying because of her. Because despite everything you've put her through, she still cares. Perhaps not enough to forgive you for what you did, or to one day give you another chance… but you sure as hell won't give up hope that maybe one day she will.
But if he breaks your heart like lovers do
Just know that I'll be waiting here for you...
Jeeez. 2 updates in a matter of hours? Who am I?! Yes DonnaRSpecter, it was you that brought me back! I teach now, so actually this is a well-deserved distraction from my day to day life. I'm loving it, so yes expect more of me!
You know the drill- show me the love, let me know your thoughts and feelings!