The first time the thought crosses Rana's mind, she dismisses it.
They've all come to this new club together and they're having a lot of fun.
After a while, Kate goes to the bar to get them some refills and some poor guys starts chatting her up. And usually Kate would just easily tell the guy straight up that she's not interested but the guy is really sweet and Kate wavers a little.
Rana, with some amusement, notices Kate's obvious discomfort from their table and decides to help her out. She confidently strides up to them, coming up behind Kate and puts her arms around her waist, chin resting on her shoulder.
"Hey babe," she starts, snuggling in a little too close and Kate smiles back, getting what Rana's trying to do. "You got our drinks yet?"
"Er- yeah," Kate says, trying to play along. "Just got a bit waylaid talking," she nods at the guy.
The guy fumbles a little bit, looking between them, obviously getting the hint. "Oh-um, sorry I didn't mean to keep you," he says awkwardly, and Kate just smiles at him, trying to hold back her laughter.
"It was nice chatting to you," he says and Kate nods awkwardly with a smile.
When the guy is out of sight, Rana and Kate both burst into laughter.
Kate turns around in Rana's arms and Rana steps back with a laugh. "Thanks for that, I don't know how much longer it would have taken for me to get rid of him," Kate says laughing, cheeks pink.
"Babe all you gotta say is- 'sorry mate, I'm gay'," Rana says in that joking, matter-of-fact way, and Kate lets out a laugh.
"Oh, it's that easy is it?"
"Yeah, you've got the perfect excuse," Rana says as if it's obvious and Kate laughs at the advice but she supposes that's exactly what Rana would do.
Kate scrunches up her face cutely. "It's always so awkward though- especially when they're sweet."
And Rana shakes her head with a laugh. "You're too sweet for you own good," she teases lightly, poking her shoulder, and Kate pretends to be offended for a second before falling into laughter again.
"We can't all be as feisty as you now can we," she jokes and Rana just playfully growls at her in response which has Kate laughing even harder.
Rana laughs at herself too. She looks to Kate whose eyes are crinkly and beautiful with her laughter and Rana's gaze flits down to Kate's lips, which are a smooth, subtle pink with her lipstick and the thought suddenly goes through Rana's mind about what they would feel like against hers.
Her stomach flutters and she inhales a little sharper but she shakes her head and the thought is gone in an instant. And thankfully Kate doesn't notice it.
Rana pushes the thought to the back of her mind- she reasons it's just because they've gotten a lot closer lately, and Kate's lips look particularly soft tonight and they're all a little bit tipsy- nothing serious.
So she ignores it. They go back to the table and Rana clings to Zeedan maybe a little closer and kisses him maybe a little more than she usually would but the night goes on as normal.
xxxxxx
The not thinking about it thing works for the most part. That is, until Kate starts dating Imogen. Then things get really bad.
When Rana sees Kate kissing Imogen, her stomach churns and she feels sick. She hates it- hates seeing them kissing. And at first she can't figure out why. Or doesn't let herself think about why. She tries to play it off as her not liking Imogen- of her thinking that Imogen isn't good enough for Kate.
But Rana's feelings are so strong, they're making her behave in ways she usually wouldn't. She acts out and can't control her dislike of Kate and Imogen's relationship. And it leads to Kate thinking she's homophobic and that hurts Rana more than she can even understand herself.
She tries everything- tries to apologise, tries to avoid Kate but nothing seems to work because avoiding Kate is too hard. She's her best friend and she misses her. But these feelings are so confusing and scary for her.
It's only when Kate and Imogen break up and Imogen accuses her of being jealous that she's forced to admit what all this is really about.
She goes over everything in her mind. How she feels about Kate, how she's been acting this whole time, how she's thought about what it would be like to kiss Kate. And, as much as she's tried, she can't deny it anymore.
She's jealous. Jealous of Imogen. Because she's the one who wants to be kissing Kate. And admitting that thought alone has Rana staggering. Because it's terrifying. She's terrified of saying it out loud. Of what that would mean.
But she can't stop thinking about it. Whenever she sees Kate or even just thinks about her- the feeling is so strong- the thoughts are so pervasive that Rana finally lets herself think about them properly.
And when she does, it's so strange. It's so foreign to her- imagining kissing someone like this because, despite what people might think, she doesn't think that much about kissing and sex- like really think about it in this way. Not even really with Zeedan. She likes kissing him but she's slowly realising lately that it's more of a I want to kiss you because I should be kissing you thing with him.
Sex has always been more of a control thing for her- she's good at it and she likes being good at it and how that makes her feel- but she's never really put much feeling into it. There's always been some part of it that has been an act. And that's why this is so terrifying for her- because just the mere thought of pressing her lips to Kates, of having Kate that close to her- just the thought of Kate wanting to kiss her- is making her body and heart react in ways it never has before.
And she panics. She panics because she can't be feeling like this. Because she's married and it's Kate- her best friend. And Rana's not gay.
When Zeedan comes back from work, she kisses him with fervour, wanting more than anything to get the same feeling from it. And Zeedan responds with just as much enthusiasm but he's softer- he's gentle with her like he always is. And Rana loves him– she loves him and that's what makes it worse- because she can't get the same feeling- she's never had the same feeling with him. She tries so hard but it's only when she allows herself to picture Kate- Kate's body and Kate's smile and Kate's lips- that Rana's body reacts immediately.
That night, she lays there next to Zeedan after he's gone to sleep- she lays there awake, guilty and so scared, and cries herself to sleep.
And that guilt persists whenever she's with Zeedan or Kate but there's a little part inside of her that is unfurling and simmering with something that she's never felt before- a little part of her that's glowing for the first time. And the feeling is so intoxicating, so new, so overwhelming that she wants to cry at the force of it. And she can't help but want to explore it. Because she's finally feeling these things that she's always tried to force herself to feel. She's finally feeling like she knows what she really wants- and she's never felt that so vehemently before and she can't ignore it.
She has to know the feeling- the real feeling of Kate's lips against hers.