A/N: A drabble I've been dying to work on, since I adore this song almost as much as I adore the Raphangelo bromance. Contains brotherly angst and all that other stuff.
Takes place directly after the season 3 finale in 2012verse.
Disclaimer: Obviously, I do not own Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. In fact, it was created by Kevin Eastman and Peter Laird and now belongs to Viacom and Nickelodeon. If I did own it, we would finally have an on screen Leorai kiss (just throwing that out there.)
It seemed it was possible for the entire universe to have been melting beneath their feet.
In all of his 16 years of being used to feeling bitter, angry or harsh at just the slightest things, who wouldn't if they lived like they did, Raphael Hamato couldn't recall another time that he felt so goddamn heavy. Actually, it was hard for him to even feel his own face, because the solid touch just reminded him how real all of this really was, for the earth's evaporation was much more than some dazed illusion. It was harsh, cold, reality, and such a thought was too painful to prosper.
He hadn't kept track of how much time has passed since they had entered this mysterious ship, but each second felt as an eternity while the events of the last day on Earth replayed constantly, as clear as day. No matter what he looked at, the reflection either depicted the dead body of his father or his own planet and almost everything he's ever known disappearing from modern existence. He figured that sometimes, something so horrible happens that it is simply impossible to ever live something else.
It was impossible to even imagine living something else at the moment.
Raph hugs his shaking knees to his forehead, trying to block out everything and try to escape this. Could you even possibly imagine, not only losing one of the most important people in your life, but literally the entire fucking planet? Every single person who's ever lived, every place you've ever known, gone. Not even the slightest ray of hope to keep you through the night, because all they had left was the darkness, an empty oblivion. Literally.
The only thing that kept the teenager going was the fact that all three of his brothers and their two best friends even were here with him. If they weren't, he knew he would just end it here and now.
Raph prospered that maybe the hurt would ease for his brothers, that they would grow to enjoy their new lives. Leo and his god awful show Space Heroes, Donnie and his major geekdom, Mikey and his natural infatuation to just about anything new, they may even like it better. For Raphael, however, there was nothing left. Absolutely nothing could provide a distraction for him, there wasn't something to take those memories from the front of his mind.
He would survive in nothing but agonizing pain, perhaps for an eternity.
The thought alone only made the broken boy tremble, staring at his own dirty hands. His fingers remained stain crimson, the faded remains of his now late father. After all of the years that Sensei had put into raising the turtles, saving them and always assuring their safety, raising them to protect themselves and each other, they hadn't even been able to protect him from the most fatal of attacks.
If such a simple task could not be completed, how could Raph protect the others in such a dark and scary place? A place built of suffering and sorrow. Why even continue to exist in such a dimension?
Raphael rolled onto his side, silent tears falling from his eyes. In a way, it reminded him of another night about six months ago, when the Kraang invasion had forced them to flee their home to a foreign place. Seeing Splinter thrown into a ditch like a dirty rag and their big brother practically lifeless had shook up Raph quite a bit, and such overwhelming things often cause him to lose control. The only thing that kept him functioning properly was Mikey.
Raphael never did love anything more than he loved his baby brother. It was true that Michelangelo was the sunshine of the entire family, but especially for Raph. He was the only light that kept Raph balanced, kept his heart and mind in place.
Now that he started to think about it, he was very worried about the kid. Mikey usually tended to act brave in traumatic situations, but inside it really messed him up. After the Invasion, he had spent the entire night crying in Raph's arms. If Raph felt so messed up by the current situation, there's no telling what Mikey would be feeling.
Raph knows he must get up and go check on him, hold him and try to offer any empty comfort that he possibly could. He just needed to be with his brother. Yet there was some undefinable force that was holding him down, not allowing his body to move. Like the entire universe was thick with stiffness, a blanket of suffocation.
Raphael definitely considered laying there forever, allowing himself to lose his mind. He wasn't even in contact with his physical self-much anymore, his soul feeling detached from reality. After seeing the things that he did, how did he know what to believe anymore? What was an illusion, and what was real? What was the definition of real, anyways?
Mikey. Get the fuck up and go check on Mikey.
Raph tried his best to force himself up, put his own miseries aside. He could not be selfish enough to let himself be eaten away by his own grief when he had a little brother to take care of.
Raph finally was able to stand, his hands still shaking and his vision weakened. For someone usually strong, he didn't comprehend why a task as simple as standing up was so difficult. He stood with his hands on his face and took deep breaths, trying his best to push the dark thoughts away. He needed to stay focused on the task at hand.
He stood and exited his own small room, squinting at the foreign location that was Professor Honeycutt's ship. There was absolutely nothing but silence, everyone in their own rooms wallowing in their own pain. Raph decided to walk around the ship a few times, allowing his eyes to rest on the bed of stars beside them.
An empty gap where Earth should be. All of the vivid life that existed hours ago now just a hole of darkness.
Raph slid against the silver wall, cradling his face in his hands once again. He felt terrified, not only for what they had been put into, but for the possibility of him completely going crazy. For someone known as being so big and strong, he did not understand how he can shrivel and rot to something so weak. What exactly was he?
Raphael decided that his own identity didn't matter at the moment. The only thing that mattered was his brothers, and he would make sure to save them from being eaten alive by the darkness.
Raph began thinking of memories, his entire childhood with his brothers and Splinter. Why was it that random flashes of his life were appearing? All of them brining so much pain with them, each spark another stab into his heart and soul. It suddenly felt as if he couldn't breathe, and all because of something so simple as the thought of pattering raindrops splatting against the ceiling? His brothers' laughter, thoughts of sparring, video games? Why had each every day aspect of his life suddenly make him feel so torn apart to think about?
"I'm not going crazy, I'm not going fucking crazy," he whispers to himself, the sound like an echo stretching all the way through his body. Why did his own voice sound so fuzzy, like he was drowning underwater? Why did he feel as if he was slipping directly out of his shaky body, his organs rotating inside each other and trying to eat him?
"Stop it, stop it god damnit! I'm fine! I'm not weak!" his voice raises, pounding his head against the metal door which he was resting against. Maybe if he hit it enough time, he could knock out this insanity that ran around inside his head.
All of the memories played on repeat- the triceratons arriving, the kidnapping of his baby brother, the comet fire shooting towards he and his brothers when they were in a space airship, the gauntlet piercing through Splinter's gut, the world evaporating into nothing, all of it. In between were good memories, he and his brothers and friends, his father, sparring or playing around, games and jokes and endless laughter.
Things that he never will see again.
How was he supposed to be the protector of the group when he was such a mess? What would Mikey think, seeing the big brother who he looked up to so much crumpled as a pathetic ball on the floor, heaving and sobbing and trying to knock haunting images from his head. Mikey surely wouldn't think of Raph as his hero anymore. Not when he's gone crazy.
Raph thinks he feels someone touching him, comforting hands around his body, but they are probably a creation of his mind. He doesn't understand what to believe anymore, nothing is believable. Perhaps, he thought he heard someone calling him, telling him to please breathe, but the voice is distant and heavy, the words heavily slurred. Raph hyperventilates heavier and heavier until finally, he thinks he catches someone crying. Someone who isn't him. Slowly, Raph begins to breathe more and more fluent, everything coming much clearer and his psyche seeming more put together, until he can finally be aware of his surroundings.
What he sees is his baby brother crouched in front of him, his arms wrapped tight around Raph's body, burrowing his face in his next. Mikey shakes with soft little cries, tears pouring onto Raph's shoulder.
"M-Mikey?" he whimpers, wincing at the pathetic sound. His head still bangs with excruciating pain.
"Yeah, it's me Raphie. I'm right here, it's all okay," Mikey says, quickly attempting to wipe the evidence of his despair for Raph's sake.
Raph allows himself to rock in Mikey's arms for a few moments, pushing his face into his shoulder. Slowly, his head begins shaking in denial.
"No. No, this isn't how it's supposed to be. I'm supposed to be comforting you!" Raph says, the anger at himself increasing.
"Shh. You just need some rest," Mikey replies.
"No, no, NO! Look at what I've become! The guy who's supposed to be the strongest, the protector, the one who could fight against anything, all broken and vulnerable on the floor! Being cradled in my baby brother's arms! This is not how it's supposed to be; I've gone fucking INSANE!" Raph yells, and in all his years of outbursts he had never felt so angry. And at no one other than himself.
"Raph, that's enough! Quit winding yourself up bro, you're just going to hyperventilate again! Look into my eyes and breathe with me. Do you think you could do that?" Mikey says sternly, holding both of Raph's hands in his own and his bloodshot blue eyes looking directly into his older brother.
Raph took a moment to look at Mikey, the determination and strength in his little brother that never truly existed in himself. He thought about how much it hurt to be broken, and even worse that he could never be trusted to protect Mikey correctly. One day, he's going to lose his little brother and it'll be all his fault.
"You aren't supposed to be doing this. That's my job. I'm a failure!" he yells, eyes welling once more.
"You are not a failure! After all of the horrible things we went through, it's totally normal to feel this way! It's okay to feel pain and it's okay to cry, it's even okay to feel like you're going insane! Nothing is wrong with you Raph, you're fine!" Mikey yells, desperately trying to crack into Raphael.
"I'm sorry Mikey, I'm so so sorry," he weeps.
"You have nothing to be sorry for. You just have to let me help you! I know you're the one who wants to be the hero all the time, and believe me, you are. You have saved all of us from so many things all the time. If it weren't for you, I wouldn't be here anymore. You take all of us and keep us on solid ground. You're my hero Raph, and you always will be. You just have to let me take care of you once in a while!" Mikey says, holding Raph's face so he is looking directly at him.
"I love you Mikey, I love you so much. You're the reason for everything. You keep me grounded, you keep me from exploding into a horrible mess. I just couldn't imagine living anything where you weren't by my side. I need you, and I always will. I'm so scared that if I go crazy, once I go off the deep end, you won't want me anymore. And I couldn't do that Mikey, I couldn't. Please don't leave me, I need you so much," Raph cries.
It was close to never that Raph allowed his sappy feelings to slip out, for his brothers to hear out loud how much they mean to him, but Mikey didn't even question his actions. Such a horrible tragedy that they had experienced always brings out the true heart in people.
"I'm not going anywhere Raphie. I'm never going to leave you. I just want you to know that you are so brave and powerful and strong, and you are my hero, but there are just some things no one is strong enough to stop. It's impossible to be perfect, you can't win every time. It's okay to break down and let yourself feel. In fact, showing your true emotion only makes you stronger. I love you and I'm going to be there for you. We are going to be there for each other, be each other's super heroes. As long as we got us, that's all we need for things to be alright," Mikey says.
"You're an amazing brother Mikey. You are my superhero in your own way. We could've never made it without you, kiddo," he says, calming down a lot much more now. It was crazy, that charm that Mikey had. The magic power to make you think of the radical idea that everything is going to be alright.
"We both need each other, that's how it will always be," Mikey tells him.
It's true, the both of them are each other's super heroes. They will always be there to keep each other standing, save each other time from time again.
"Can I sleep in your room tonight?" Raph asks, understanding that isolation only leads to more pain.
"Of course you can, big bro," Mikey replies, helping Raph up and leading him inside the room.
The two brothers slide into the bed, pulling the blanket against their bodies. Mikey turns around and wraps his arms around Raph.
"Goodnight, Raphie. I love you," Mikey says.
"Love you too," Raph says fondly.
Mikey smiles, more than happy to see Raph finally giving into his sensitivity. It took a lot to crack into Raphael, but seeing him finally let Mikey take care of him let Mikey feel like he could finally rest again. He needed to be a superhero too sometimes.
Raph feels a new type of warmth that he had thought vanished from his emotions forever, the extreme love and calm from each little breath of his resting baby brother. Just as time and time before, Mikey had been the one to fix his cracks. He was Mikey's superman, and he would never imagine being something else. And Mikey was the only one who could possibly contain him.
"My kryptonite," he whispers to Mikey, and they both fall asleep into the night, the dark side of the moon turning away.