I held up my father's lifeless body, his best friend laying besides him, dead. I tried so hard to wake him, slapped him with my tentacles, shook him until I couldn't take it anymore. Nothing worked. I wrapped by tentacles around his throat and shook and a shook, I wanted to kill him for being dead, I wanted to squeeze whatever breath remained inside him away. And that's when I knew what had happened to the two security guards. The stench was still lingering on his breath, and in the room all around me.

Fried oyster skins.

After my father's death, mother never was the same. She began to drink, and she lost her job. We had to leave Tentacle Acres and move to a no name town called Bikini Bottom. Mother treated me like shit. She would beat me with her clarinet every night. The beatings only stopped when she stopped paying attention to me all together. She loved her snails more then me. My grades dropped, I was bullied, and I lost all my friends. I couldn't go to collage, and eventually got a job as a security guard at Tentacle Acres, just like my father.

My life became a living hell.

But one day, as I contemplated beating myself to death, it hit me. If I just looked at the video footage of the day my father died, perhaps I could find the killer. I could send him or her to the police, make them pay for their crimes. It took me a long time, but eventually I found the correct tape, the one with the date my father and his friend died. I popped it in, and a sponge and a starfish appeared on screen, talking into the intercom. There was no sound, but this was the only footage of the day. They had to have killed my father. As I watched intently, I saw the starfish breath into the intercom, and the next thing I knew, they had walked inside. The starfish killed my father. He must have eaten fried oyster skins, and my father was elegiac to the smell of oyster skin.

I was going to call the police, wondering why would they not want to look at this footage before? But then that's when it hit me. I had seen that sponge before, he worked at the Krusty Krab. He apparently made the "best food in town", at least according to most mindless heathens. I would never eat that slop, but many fish would. The police must have seen this footage, and refused to arrest him, lest they ended up eating something not made by the sponge. He would go to jail as an accomplice to the starfish, and they would not be able to eat Krabby Patties.

I needed to handle this myself. My way.

I left my post, informing my boss that I had personal matters to attend to, and drove down to the Krusty Krab. The place was a dump, and yet it's owner was rich. He was apparently the cheapest crab in the town, and it showed in his work. From high prices to the establishment itself, he only cared about getting money. I walked past another octopus like myself and entered his office.

"Hey, what are you doing here? It costs $56.00 dollars to make a complaint up front! Ah ha ha ha ha."

"I don't give a shit about your toll, I want answers, now."

"Watch your sailor talk, boyo, or I'll have you eating a crab claw!"

I slammed his head against the desk, and threw him onto the ground.

"The sponge, where is he?"

After coughing up blood, the crab asked me, "is information is worth something towards you?How about you pay me $600 for it?"

I shoved my tentacles down the crab's throat, and pulled with all my might, ripping him out of his shell. I then began to stomp on his pink, squishy body.

"Where is the sponge!?"

"Spongebob? This is his day off. I have to give him one every few years or so!"

I pulled his bruised body over to a nearby safe, and slammed his head against the cold metal over and over again.

"Where does he live? Is he friends with a starfish? Where are they now!?"

"Just go to the pineapple, you can't miss it! Leave me and my money alone!"

I slammed his head one last time so he would be knocked out. But he died instead. I had to find the pineapple, talk to this spongebob guy, and get some answers. I drove around town until I found the giant pineapple home. Next to it was a giant easter island head, and next to that was big rock. I kicked open the door of the pineapple, and looked around. The place was empty. The only living thing in the room was a pet snail. I hated snails. I grabbed the snail and I threw it into the road. It died.

I planned to wait for the sponge to come back, but then I heard something outside. It was the octopus from the Krusty Krab. He was walking into the easter island head home. He must have lived next to Spongebob. Maybe he knew where Spongebob was. I snuck into his home, and slowly walked behind him as he sat on the couch watching TV. I grabbed him by the throat and began to strangle him with all my might.

"Spongebob! Where is Spongebob!?"

I let go of his neck and began to pull on his tentacles.

"Ahhhh! Stop it, get your filthy suckers off me! Why do you want Spongebob!?"

I dragged him to the television and slammed his face into the glass.

"He was with a starfish! That starfish killed my dad at Tentacle Acres!"

"Tentacle Acres? Oh my...I lived there! They must have gone after me!" said the octopus.

"WHAT!?" I was enraged. He was the cause for my father's death. I ripped off two of his tentacles and ripped off his nose in blind anger.

"AAAAAHHHHH THE PAIN! SPONGEBOB AND PATRICK WENT JELLYFISHING AT JELLYFISH FIELDS! OH PLEASE STOP!"

I ripped off the rest of his appendages and shoved them into his mouth, leaving the bloodied victim to die in his own blood.

I drove down to jellyfish fields, thinking of new ways to torture the starfish and his friends. They would pay for their evil deeds. I'm the good guy. I stopped the boatmobile by a sponge with large glasses on, trying to catch a jellyfish. No starfish in sight. I walked up behind him.

"Excuse me sir, are you Spongebob?"

"Why yes I am-"

I cut him off with a firm punch to the face. He fell to the ground and I jumped on top of him.

"Where is Patrick?"

"Oh sir, your being playful today, is this hide and seek?"

I grabbed a nearby jellyfish and stuck it onto his eyes, shocking them and causing them to blister.

"AHHHHH MY EYES! THIS ISN'T APART OF THE GAME!"

"Your friend killed my dad, where is he?! I'm going to kill him!"

I ripped off the sponge's legs, but they grew back. I ripped off his arms, they grew back too. So I decided to just stab one of his eyes with his glasses.

"He...he went back home. He lives under a rock near my home...oh please, let me live..."

I was very merciful that day, so I spared him. As I walked away, he said one last thing.

"You don't know what you're doing."

I left his battered body in the field, and drove back to the pineapple. It was finally time to kill my father's murderer. I slid under the rock, and found my newest victim sleeping on the floor. Luckily, there was a nearby rope and chair. It was as if fate wanted me to do this. I tied him to the chair, and slapped him awake.

"Huh, what, are you the mail man?" said Patrick like a babbling idiot.

"I have a question for you Patrick, do you like fried oyster skins?" I said, slowly rubbing the flat side of a knife with the palm of my hand.

"Um...yes."

"Patrick, you killed my father with your breath. I am going to kill you with this knife. But first, let's give you a last meal!"

I pulled out a bag of fried oyster skins and shoved them down his throat.

"EAT! EAT YOU FAT SON OF A BITCH."

"I'm still hungry! Give me some more!"

I kept shoving the food into his mouth, wanting him to choke on it. But he just kept eating, he would not stop.

Suddenly I was tackled to the ground by someone. I looked up to see Spongebob, with bleeding eyes, his glasses still stuck in one of them, trying to pull the knife out of my grasp.

"I WON'T LET YOU KILL PATRICK! HE'S MY BEST FRIEND!"

I used a free tentacle to pull out the glasses, and stabbed the other eye. He fell over, and I lifted the knife in the air.

"DIE SPONGE! DIE LIKE MY FATHER!"

But just as I was about to plunge the knife into his heart, I felt a strange pain in my chest, as if something had just disappeared inside of me. I looked down to see a giant eraser sticking out of my body.

"DEWAAAGHEAUGAAAGH!" screamed someone from behind, pulling the eraser stuck inside me. I fell to the ground, my own blood floating around me.

The man who had stabbed me looked just like Spongebob, but something was different. It was as if he was a dark, cartoon version of Spongebob, drawn to life. He was holding a giant pencil, the one used to stab me. He walked over to the tied up Patrick.
"NO!" screamed Patrick, "You can't have the Necronomicon! It belongs to me!"
The doodle version of Spongebob reached deep into Patrick's throat, and pulled out a book, bound by the scales of fish.

"You...thought...fried oyster skins...could...stop me?" said the strange sponge, "You...failed! Bah, Vbah, bala bala bala!"

Doodle Spongebob ran over to me, lifted his pencil up, and slammed it against my skull.

When I came to, the sound of police sirens blared around me. I looked around to see that I was inside a cop boatmobile, next to the dead body of a police fish. The doodle spongebob was driving, trying to escape from the police, his hands covered in blood. I looked down to see the hole in my body had been replaced with skin similar to my captor's. I looked out the window to see an upcoming cliff, with a sign saying, "welcome to Rock Bottom."

We drove off the cliff, and were plummeting straight towards the ground.

"OH MY GOOOOOOOO-" I screamed, but the boatmobile had hit the bottom before I could finish.

Eventually I came to again, and saw my kidnapper carrying me down the pitch black road. The only light came from the flaming pile of boatmobiles pilled up nearby. How there was fire underwater, I'll never know. The Necronomicon was lying on my chest as we traveled down the path.

"Ph'nglui mglw'nafh Cthulhu R'lyeh wgah'nagl fhtagn" whispered Doodle Spongebob.