We still need to talk
By Velasa
Author's Note- Well, I've fully been swallowed by this story and these characters if I'm writing fanfiction for it- I haven't even gotten to the part where Alanna can start romancing him and this ship is already eating my brain. Whelp, too late to fight it. I wrote this while listening to Damien Rice's "9 Crimes". It's not by any means a parallel but the feeling and the sound of it was right to inspire me.
When I wrote this I pictured Shep sitting outside the medical wing with her hands on her knees, alone in the sparsely populated ship. Enjoy.
I've lost so many men in the years, good soldiers. People I knew well.
But this is different. He's different.
I don't believe in God like Williams did. I don't even remember if Garrus believes in any of his people's spirits, but I feel like I need to pray to someone right now. I trust Chakwas completely but she just doesn't know if he'll pull through. If he doesn't...
Ashley was easier to deal with. Kaidan was closer and I had a better chance of getting to him in time and not losing them both. In all honesty the eagerness with which she tried to convince me to assassinate a man I considered one of my closest friends disturbed me- and when you don't have the time to think in an emergency things like that tip the scales. I made the call and we lost a good soldier but the rest of us all got out alive and we completed the mission. I wish I knew where any of them were. If Tali were here, or Wrex... people I know, people I trust, not strangers.
There's a clock in here somewhere if I wanted to check how long he's been in surgery, but I don't remember where. Even the ship is foreign. The only people that ground me here are the Doctor, Joker, and Garrus.
I won't stop going if he doesn't make it. There's too much on my shoulders and above everything else I'm a soldier- you can't stop moving. It'll just be harder. Goddamn he looked so much older, so tired... I knew how long I'd been gone, but I didn't feel it until we spoke. I should have been in that room, I should have-
Damn it Shepard, drop it! That's how wars go, remember Torfan? People die. Anyone can die, you died. You can't tear yourself up over what-ifs and maybes. Soldiers carry on, it's our job.
...I've just never been in love before. I've had practice with death and horror but not this. No one knows to brief me on what to do either. Fraternization was strictly against the regs on the Normandy- the old Normandy- so I never said a word. Never seemed like the right time anyway, it was always when the two of us and Wrex were all crammed into the Mako together while you tried not to be violently ill, or in the heat of a firefight with Saren's men with you at my back. You were these beside me in the Tower when that nightmare ended, but even afterwards there was no time. After the fighting was over there was the press and the arguing with the Council to tackle the real threat instead of chasing Geth, repairs and paperwork and nonsense... I never had time to be in love, so I ignored it. And now I may be out of time.
If you make it, Garrus, we need to talk. If you don't I guess I'll have time to think about that when all of this is over. However long that is.
If you don't, this better be a long damn war.
End
6/13/2012 8:22 PM