Title: Harry Potter AbFab Style

Author: NeoMalfoy

Rating: PG-13 for extreme bad language smoking, drinking and drug use.

Pairings: None (maybe Harry/Draco if you want to dig into Patsy and Eddy¡¯s relationship in future series of the show.)

Spoilers: Only for AbFab series 1-1 episode 1: Fashion, this script is almost a word for word reconditioning of that script.

Disclaimer: Not Mine wish they where but then they wouldn¡¯t have been published.

The boys are JK Rowling¡¯s and distributed in book form by Raincoast Bloomsbury in Canada and others worldwide. The movie belongs to Warner Bros. I don't make a Cent. Just like to have them as my slaves willing to do anything I wish... Don' worry I'll Put them back nice and clean.

If you are under the legal age to watch AbFab then you are underage to read this! Or if you are easily offended by M/M Slash fiction then Piss Off! Yeh've been warned!

A/N: Ok notch this one up to a love of AbFab. I thought of this on the way home from Toronto after the Mini-slashers convention Ivy Blossom, My boyfriend and I had. Although we didn¡¯t talk AbFab. For those who don¡¯t know AbFab is Absolutely Fabulous a BritCom by Jennifer Saunders from French and Saunders¡¦ you can catch them on Video or DVD. On TV near you in Canada look for them on Comedy Network, in the U.S. check Comedy Central as series 4 is produced in association with them and in England it¡¯s the BBC of course. The script is taken directly from the episode ¡°Fashion¡± from the first series.

Feedback: OH YEAH! Send comments, questions and HOWLERS to

Harry_Potters_boi@telusmail.net

Character list: HP Character-AbFab Character- AbFab Actor

Harry Potter- Edina (Eddy) Monsoon-Jennifer Saunders

Draco Malfoy- Patricia (Patsy) Stone- Joanna Lumley

Hermione Granger-Saffron (Saffy) Monsoon- Julia Sawalha

Ron Weasley-Bubble-Jane Horrocks

Jonny- Blaise Zabini- Nickolas Grace

Serge- Neville- Never seen in show.

Scene one-Harry¡¯s Bedroom.

Harry wakes up. He is strewn across the bed in his all white bedroom. There is a half-drunk bottle of red wine by the bedside and an ashtray full of joint ends. The radio is playing rap music. He comes to leans over and turns off the music.

Hermione- (from upstairs) Thank you!

(Harry blows her a huge childish raspberry. It is obvious that he has a terrible hangover. He clutches at his chest.)

Harry- Panic attack! Panic attack!

(He swigs back the remainder of the red wine and searches in vain for a joint in the ashtray. There is the sound of footsteps coming downstairs. They stop outside his door. Harry panics and hides the bottle and ashtray under his sheets.)

Hermione-(outside the door) It¡¯s nine-thirty and your cars been waiting for an hour.

(The footsteps pass on downstairs. Harry retrieves the bottle and tries to rub the stain of spilled wine off her sheet. He gets up staggers to the window and opens the curtain. The effect of the sunlight blazing though the window into the white room blinds Harry. He falls back in shock, grabs a pair of sunglasses and goes into the bath room.)

Scene 2- Edina¡¯s kitchen.

Hermione is sitting at the table reading a paper. In front of her are the empty wine bottles and left over take away trays from Harry and Draco¡¯s binge the night before. Harry enters struggling to appear bright alive and healthy. Hermione watches him icily.

Harry- (humming to himself) La, la la, la-la-la. (He goes to the fridge and gets a bottle of Evian. He swigs it back and it suctions onto his face. He painfully pulls it off.) Heath, health, health, Darling.

He breezes around the kitchen opening cupboards looking for something for breakfast. He opens the dishwashers then the washing machine.

Hermione- Washing Machine.

Harry- La-la, La-la. Absolutely right, Sweetie. (Opens freezer door)

Hermione- (Tapping the wine bottles pointedly with a pen.) Feeling great this morning I suspect are you?

Harry-(Slamming the freezer door) Fabulous¡¦ My god Draco can really put it away. (He gives up looking for something to eat and staggers into a chair.) Stop looking at me like that. What do I have to do to convince you that I¡¯ve given up drinking? (Pauses.) I had one bloody drink.

Hermione- Have you looked in the mirror this morning? Your eye bags are ruched.

Harry-What are you eating?

Hermione-Toast.

Harry- What¡¯s that on the toast?

Hermione- It¡¯s Honey Harry.

Harry- Honey? That¡¯s not honey sweetie that my bloody royal jelly moisturizer. You¡¯re eating 300 pounds of royal jelly that¡¯s been hand squished for a bee¡¯s backside. And not just any bee but the bloody Gucci of bees. This is the stuff that Jackie Stallone would kill for. (Scrapes the jelly off toast and rubs onto face.) Make momma a cup of coffee¡¦

Hermione- You know where it is, make it yourself.

Harry- I don¡¯t know where it bloody is, do I?

Hermione- Please don¡¯t swear.

Harry- Sweetie¡¦ Darling, please fetch mama¡¦ a cup of coffee. Cause your so cleaver, you know where everything is, Sweetie.

Hermione- Flattery won¡¯t turn me into your slave. The coffee¡¯s on the table in front of you¡¦ Pick up spoon¡¦ Put coffee in cup¡¦ Pour on boiling water.

Harry- Scald hand¡¦ Third-degree burn¡¦ Screaming in agony. Do you really want that on your conscience, Darling?

(Hermione gets up to make coffee)

Harry-Not instant, that¡¯s coffee that¡¯s just been cremated. Ground some beans, I want them entire with life force.

(Hermione puts beans in grinder.)

Harry- Don¡¯t make that face when you grind. I don¡¯t want to drink a cup of your anger¡¦ Anyway I shouldn¡¯t be drinking coffee. (Has fit grabs coffee beans spray all over counter.) I shouldn¡¯t be drinking bloody coffee. Throw all that coffee away. I should just have fennel¡¦ twig¡¦ tea¡¦

(Hermione sits down.)

Harry- Oh god sweetie look at the time I should be in the office. (Grabbing the telephone he rings the office. Then he grabs Hermione and puts the phone to her ear.) Sweetie tell them I¡¯ve left. Tell them it¡¯s traffic door to door and I¡¯m not well, I¡¯m not well.

Hermione- hallo¡¦ Harry's sitting her in his bed-clothes¡¦

Harry-(shrieks and grabs phone) Bed-clothes! She knows nothing about fashion. Now Ron, darling, I¡¯m in a dreadful panic. I¡¯m literally out the door when my bloody car turns up. I understand that traffic¡¯s awful; I¡¯m trying to keep a lid on things this end. I know you manage¡¦ I¡¯m on my way¡¦ I am chanting as we speak. (He puts down the phone. Hermione smirks, Harry notices.) You¡¯re not a Buddhist¡¦ you wouldn¡¯t understand.

Hermione- You did it for a week. Which admittedly, for you, is a record

Harry- Darling it¡¯s not a fad. It¡¯s not like crystals. (He starts to chant but can¡¯t remember it)

Hermione- Please stop.

Harry- You wouldn¡¯t say that if you knew how much we owed to my chanting. A lot of things might not be here¡¦ this house might not be here I chanted for gorgeous house. I chanted to be successful and to believe in myself. (Chants) Please let me make some more money so that I can buy Hermione some more books and a car. (Pauses) In Buddhist obviously¡¦ not in English when I do it properly.

Hermione- What is it some sort of cosmic cash machine?

Harry-Don¡¯t be so cynical, to day I need just a bit of bloody support.

Hermione- why¡¦ why is to day such a panic anyway? It¡¯s only a fashion show and you¡¯ve had six months to prepare it. Why is everything so hysterical? All you got to do is play a bit of music, turn on the lights, get some people who¡¯ve thrown up everything they¡¯ve ever eaten and send them down a catwalk. Greater feats have been achieved in less time and with less fuss.

Harry- Not quite with it are you darling?

Hermione- Major motion pictures are made; huge concerts are put on in stadiums. For god sake, five-hundred thousand troops we mobilized in the Gulf and a war fought and won in less time and without everyone involved having a nervous breakdown and being sent flowers. It cannot be that difficult.

Harry- Darling every troop didn¡¯t have to contain Yasmine LeBon. Te generals didn¡¯t require beg hugs after every maneuver. And the whole operation did not have to be coordinated to rap and Japanese advent garde pipe music! Because if it had I think the outcome might have been rather different, don¡¯t you? (She gets up, then sits down again) I forgot to ring Chukhani. (Pauses) Edina¡¦ Green¡¦ Thanks (hangs up) don¡¯t look at me like that there is more to it you know.

Hermione- Of course there is. The Bill.

Harry- He doesn¡¯t just pick the colour himself. Now listen, because you might learn something¡¦ It¡¯s channelled to him by and ancient spirit, it relates to who I was in a previous existence.

Hermione- who where you then I suppose the Elizabeth Taylor of the Ming Dynasty. Face up to it you¡¯re just a mad fat old cow.

Harry-(gets up in rage) will you stop saying fat. I know you¡¯re only saying it to annoy me.

Hermione- no I¡¯m not. I¡¯m saying it because it¡¯s true.

(Harry flies across the room and bangs some objects on the counter in fury.)

Hermione- What? What happened then?

Harry- Why, why do you pick on everything I do? All I ask is for a couple of tiny little things to get me though¡¦ tiny little pleasures¡¦ little crutches to help me get though life.

Hermione- Get though? Harry you¡¯ve absolved yourself of all resposibity. You live from self induced crisis to self educed crisis. Someone chooses what you wear. Someone does your brain. Someone tells you what to eat. And then three times a week someone sticks a hose up your bum and flushes it all out of you.

Harry- It¡¯s called colonic irrigation darling and it¡¯s not to sniffed at.

Hermione- Why can¡¯t you just go to the toilet like normal people?

Harry- is that what you want me to be? Normal? Some boring old normal toilet-goer? ¡°Where¡¯s Harry¡± ¡°He¡¯s on the toilet.¡± ¡°But I want to somewhere exciting and meet interesting people¡±¡¦ ¡°She can¡¯t take you she¡¯s on the toilet.¡± Well they say anyone can go to the toilet.

Hermione- The obviously haven¡¯t seen you drunk.

Harry- Can I just say thank you, bloody, thank you for giving me a supportive start to a rather important day. A lot of daughters might have offered to come along and help me today. But no. you¡¯ve probably got something rather exiting to listen to on Radio 4, or some new exhibit of text tubes at the science museum to visit. So it doesn¡¯t matter I shall go alone. (She changes moods.) There¡¯s a party after, I shall go to that alone as well shall I?

(She gets up and stomps upstairs. Hermione sits impassively at the table. After a moment Harry slinks slowly back into the room, looking at Hermione with a pathetic sad expression on her face. Hermione doesn¡¯t look up. She knows what¡¯s coming.)

Hermione- No. It¡¯s your drama you act in it. I won¡¯t be your accessory. ¡°What shall I wear the ¡®daughter¡¯ or the Dior?¡±

Harry- Time of the month sweetie?

Hermione- No.

Harry- just though you looked as if you were retaining water, that¡¯s all. (Pats Hermione¡¯s bum.) I¡¯ve got some marvelous pills, you just pee it out over night. (Pauses) You¡¯re not seeing your father tonight are you?

Hermione- No, go get dressed.

Harry- (Goes to leave, but creeps back even more pathetically than before.) Should I have surgery?

Hermione- Yes.

(Harry leaves.)

Hermione- get your mouth sewn up.

Harry- still here heard that!

Scene Three: Hallway.

Harry comes down stairs wearing a psychedelic LaCroix catsuit. He is on a mobile phone, carrying an armful of jackets.

Harry- I pay you to interpret my dreams. Can¡¯t you at least try to find a hidden depth? Yes well I¡¯m simply not willing to believe that I am simply that obvious! And how come if you¡¯re the bloody psychic psychologist how come I always have to call you? (Puts phone down.) ¡®Mione I¡¯m off but I won¡¯t see you later cause you don¡¯t love me.

(Hermione comes into the hallway.)

Hermione- when will you be home? (Looks discussed at outfit.)

Harry- It¡¯s a Lacroix. It can¡¯t be that bad. A bit tight maybe. Anyway they¡¯ll think ¡°Wow it¡¯s a Lacroix!¡± I can¡¯t find anything to go with it.

Hermione- perhaps I could throw up on something for you. (Harry puts on a jacket.) Oh I see someone already has.

Harry- Jean Muir!

(The doorbell rings. Harry pulls open the front door. Draco is standing there.)

Draco- Darling¡¦

Harry- Drakes¡¦

Draco- Your cars here¡¦ Thought I might scrounge a coffee.

(Draco walks around the corner and reels back at the sight of Hermione.)

Draco- There¡¯s something horrid on the stairs¡¦

Hermione- It¡¯s me.

Draco- I¡¯m not blind! (To Harry) Harry what are you wearing!?

Harry- Lacroix. (Indicates the name woven onto the front.)

Draco- it¡¯s fabulous.

Hermione- why doesn¡¯t Draco go with you.

Harry- Yes. We¡¯ll talk in the car. Bye sweetie. (Kisses Hermione). Goodbye darling. Have a little haircut. Have a little bob.

Hermione- Don¡¯t be¡¦

Harry- What?

Hermione- Don¡¯t be¡¦ late¡¦

(Harry blows her a kiss as he leaves.)

Hermione- ¡¦ or drunk.