This isn't how my life was supposed to turn out, not at all.
I was supposed to continue hunting in the woods providing for my sister and mother. I was supposed to remain friends with Gale and eventually have no choice but to marry him. This is the way things should have gone. But I guess fate as a mind of its own I guess.
I toss and turn in my bed as the train keeps zooming on. It's too easy to forget that I'm even on a train. It feels so smooth you would think you were at home sleeping in your own home.
If only it was that easy.
If only it was easy to forget that I'm on a train going back into another arena with Peeta. If only it was easy to forget the people who got killed in the last Hunger Games I was already in with Peeta. If only I could forget all the people I've hurt. If only I could forget about these mixed feelings I have for Peeta and Gale.
If only.
Then things would be easier, so much easier.
But I can't. I am going to fight in another Hunger games with Peeta. I did watch most of the people in the Hunger Games die. I can't erase all the mean things I've done to help the people I hurt. I do have feeling for both Peeta and Gale.
And it all sucks. Maybe this is what I deserve for whatever bad thing I did. But my sister Prim does not deserve any of this hurting at all. She is the last one who does, along with Peeta.
Peeta, he really doesn't deserve any of the bad things going on. He has one of the most pure soul and mind in the whole world. And I'm one of the things that have been bad to him in his world, even though he would never admit it. Like Haymitch said, "You know you could live a thousand lifetimes and never deserve him." As if I didn't already know. Peeta is better than everyone put together. To know that you are the cause of someone else's pain breaks your heart inside.
I wish I could take away Peetas pain and love him the way he loves me, but for right now. I'm not choosing love or happiness, I'm choosing survival. That's enough for me right now. Rolling over again on my bed I let out a groan as I look at the clock. 1:34. All of a sudden, I'm out of bed and walking down the hallway looking for Peetas room. As I open his door slowly I see him lying there motionless.
His body is tight and rigid as he sleeps on his back. Sweat beads on his forehead and soaks some of his blonde curls. If his chest wasn't breathing so heavy I would have thought he was dead from how stiff he is lying. I step into his room and walk over sitting on his bed right next to him.
"No, let her go. Take me instead. Stop," Peeta mumbles, loudly. He starts shaking as I try to coax him awake. I put my hand on his face, brushing his hair out of his face.
"Peeta wake up. It's just a bad dream. It's not real. Wake up," I soothe to him as he starts shaking even more and kicking.
"Peeta, wake up! It just a nightmare," I yell at him pleadingly, taking his hands and holding them in my own.
"What," Peeta asks coming out of his nightmare looking at me in shock. "Katniss, why are you here?"
"I was walking down the hallway," I say stuttering, "getting something to drink when I saw you having a nightmare. Are you alright?" I add, brushing his hair away. He still looks at me like he can't believe I'm here, which I can't believe either. This isn't the type of thing I would normally do. Peeta is usually the one who does all the comforting.
"I'm okay; it was just a bad dream after all. You can leave, I'm fine now," he says to me curtly taking his hands out of mine. I feel struck as he says these words, but I'm the one who reinforced them. I'm the one who wants to just be friends.
"Umm, are you sure Peeta? I can stay here with you if you want…." I say trailing off looking at my hands twisted together on my lap. Why am I saying this? I thought I didn't want Peeta! Peeta is quiet for a while and I look up and find his bright, blue eyes staring intently into mine. For a second I think that he is going to wrap me up in his arms and tell me that of course I can stay with him for the night, but his eyes harden and he doesn't.
"Katniss, really go on to bed. I'm fine now. Thanks for waking me up by the way. That was nice of you," Peeta says smiling sweetly at the end. I nod still feeling a little deflated inside as I get up slowly and walk towards his door. I turn around just as I'm about to leave and see him turn over, his back to me. I sigh and shake my head knowing that if I told him we didn't just strictly have to be friends that I could be lying there with him, cuddling. Him protecting me from my nightmares, but I told him differently. So, I don't get to sleep pressed against Peetas warm body or get a good night's sleep.
Being the tough and strong girl I am, I go back to my room and bury myself under the covers and cry.