Author's Note: I have a taste for the baddies, and in spite of my determined hatred of this particular subject (evil rat-face), I just felt compelled to write about him, a bit. I guess I like to find the saving graces in even the worst person (Hell, I found Voldemort's good points). This fic is all Peter's own words - I got a direct communication from him over my psychic link to the wizarding world (Draco is my favourite, then Siri ... but when the ones I like can't talk to me, I resort to the likes of Peter), last night, and thought I really should put it out on the net.
Disclaimer: The usual - I own nothing - Peter owns this, and J.K.R. owns him.
... oh yeah, and Pink owns her song quote.
* * *
Every day I fight a war against the mirror,
I can't take the person staring back at me,
I'm a hazzard to myself,
Don't let me get me,
I'm my own worst enemy,
Though you would know yourself,
So irritating,
Don't want to be my friend no more,
I wanna be somebody else,
I wanna be somebody else.
-Pink; Don't Let Me Get Me.
* * *
I Am Peter Pettigrew
I am probably not the most popular person, right now ... I'm thinking you all hate me (how observant do I need to be to pick up on that?). I am writing this in my own defence, in spite of the fact that I know there is no adequate defence for the things I have done.
I was a Halfblood - my mom was Pureblood, and dad was a Muggle (you've heard that excuse before, and I'm not using it as an excuse). Mom's family always said I took after dad - I looked exactly like a carbon-copy of him. They said I'd be a Muggle, or Squib, depending on how you looked at it - her family never liked Muggles that much. Dad died when I was nine, and mom started teaching me basic magic - I learned well, and was about as good as most other Purebloods my age (although flying made me sick). I was sent to Hogwarts when I was eleven.
I still remember what the Sorting Hat said to me: "Hmm ... tricky - Hufflepuff definitely isn't you ... Ravenclaw? No - you're not the bookworm type, are you ... Slytherin? I'm not making that mistake again ... the best place for you would be ... GYRFFINDOR!" It used a process of elimiation to sort me - I wasn't going to be loyal, so I couldn't be a Hufflepuff - I wouldn't study hard enough to be a Ravenclaw, and I'm not sure what it meant by 'not making that mistake again' - it could mean it wasn't going to put another rotten Halfblood with potential for evil in the best house to become evil - I really don't know. I think the Hat messed up, though - Slytherin would have suited me better.
I kept myself to myself for all of ten minutes before the two escaped lunatics - James and Sirius - noticed they had another roommate. They seemed to already know Remus. The three of them tried to keep me up half the night, but I ignored them. It took a while for us to become friends, and even then I always felt like a fifth wheel (don't know why - there were four of us ... well maybe if you count Lily, but she didn't get close to them till later). Remus was the only one I really talked to. Remus also had a mild aversion to the insanity aspect of our friends - he liked them, but didn't act as mad. While the other two went off with dungbombs and other explosives, to annoy the Slytherins, Remus and I would usually study together - I wasn't one for the homework thing, either, but it was better than getting into trouble, by going along with Crazy and Crazier.
Remus was a good friend, and we got to know each other very well. When James, Sirius and I found out that Remus was a werewolf, they thought my reaction was one of fear, or even disgust - it wasn't - I was angry that he hadn't trusted me - like he thought I would freak out, or tell someone, or somthing like that. After that, I grew away from him, a bit - I was still the tag-along in their little clique, but I wasn't really a part of it. I didn't have enough in common with the other two to be good friends, and I didn't trust Remus anymore - it wasn't the fact he was a werewolf - it was something I'd heard, once: "You think everyone acts the way you do" - if he didn't trust me, that very fact gave me reason not to trust him.
So I was a loner, hanging on to a group where I really wasn't wanted - they were just too nice to say "get lost". They defended me from the Slytherins, who seemed to hone in on me as the easiest target. I was glad of their friendship, but they were still all better than me - my one true victory was that I excelled in Defence Against the Dark Arts. I was the top of that class - oh Sirius would tease me about it, and claim I couldn't tell the difference between a werewolf and a vampire, but I'm not THAT stupid, really. I was just scraping by in my Potions class, and if it weren't for James, I'd have failed Transfiguration. I was about average in Charms, and History was the most boring thing you can imagine - even Remus slept through it.
We were in third year when James came up with the Animagus idea, and I was quite surprised that they included me in it (especially with my Transfiguration grades). I researched the topic quite thoroughly - James only looked at the how-do-you-actually-do-it aspect of the transformation. I discovered that the animal you get depends on your inner nature. James became a stag - noble, and strong. Sirius became a dog - loyal and tenacious. I became a rat - I didn't tell them that the phrase "rats always leave a sinking ship" had some relevance to the situation - although at the time, I had thought I would never betray them, because they had protected me.
But I did leave, when it looked like we would lose. Malfoy - Lucius Malfoy - blackmailed me into joining the Death Eaters - he said he'd hurt me if I didn't, and he also threatened to do worse if I messed up on the assignment he gave me - to spy on my one-time friends. I should never have been a Gryffindor - I wasn't brave - I couldn't stand up to Malfoy. I went along with the spy gig - he used the standard threat a bully uses: "do as I say or else - don't tell anyone or else worse". I was smart enough - I should have realised, then, that I could just tell Dumbledore what Malfoy was doing, and get protection ... but fear drove me, and I kept my mouth shut (the things Malfoy threatened to do to me - you really don't want to know).
I passed information to Malfoy, and soon grew to like the idea of serving someone powerful enough to REALLY protect me. I had previously believed the standard Gryffindor myth: "good always triumphs over evil" but now I was beginning to wonder - evil sure as Hell had the upper hand. I began to endear myself to the Dark Lord himself - I passed information that even Malfoy didn't get his hands on, and soon was a favourite spy - the Dark Lord had lost faith in his previous favourite (Snape).
James was planning to go into hiding, with his wife and young son. They now knew there was a spy among them. James planned to use the Fidleus Charm to protect them - Sirius was the obvious choice for Secret Keeper. I was totally amazed when they asked me to do it, as a double-bluff. They had been my first friends, and I wavered for a few weeks, before finally giving in, and telling the Dark Lord where they were. I regretted it afterwards. It had been the last straw - my worst transgression - I sealed my fate to serve the Dark Lord forever. And just like that, the Dark Lord was gone - little Harry Potter - James' one-year-old son - had defeated the Dark Lord whom I had feared for so many years.
But I couldn't turn back now - I had just revealed to Sirius (the only one, still alive, who knew who had been the real Secret Keeper) that I was the spy - I had to run. Everyone thought Sirius was the Secret Keeper - they would blame him ... my second friend that I had betrayed. But he came after me, and caught me - I was too fast for him, and I managed to put on the most convincing display - every eye-witness who survived believed he had killed me. I was free.
Free to live the life of a common rat - I couldn't show my face in public, and I wasn't good enough at Transfiguration to permanently change my looks. I considered using Muggle plastic surgery, but I decided that would be too messy ... that and I was afraid of sharp objects coming in contact with my skin. So I hid out as a rat. I found a family that I knew - the Weasleys - Arthur had been a prefect when I had started school. I lived as a familiar - a pet - for Percy. At first I played along with some of the stupid stunts he tried to 'train' me to do, but I soon got bored, and decided to pretend to be the stupid rat that Ron Weasley came into the possession of on his eleventh birthday.
What better position could I have been in? I was protected, and safe, at Hogwarts, and I was living right next to Harry Potter - James' son - the boy who had defeated the Dark Lord. I felt safe, and contented - even to be merely a rat. But when I came back from a great vacation in the sun, I saw a newspaper article saying Sirius Black had escaped from Azkaban. How had he managed that? It was supposed to be impossible. Then Ron's girlfriend (I don't care what either of them says - she's his girlfriend) bought that monster, Crookshanks - I could compare her to Hagrid for buying that creature. It tried to kill me the first time it saw me, and she still bought it, knowing how much Ron cared about me. And Sirius made friends with that cat, and at the end of that school year, they drove me out of hiding. Remus was there too - I'm still not sure how he got to be there. I begged them (Sirius and Remus) not to kill me, but it was only because Harry told them not to that I lived. They were going to hand me over to the Ministry - and, most likely, the Dementors - but I escaped, and I sang my praises to the full moon for some time after that (sorry, Remus).
I didn't know where to go now - I had been kicked out of sanctuary - and out of paradise - and was left alone. I had betrayed my friends, and they had taken it as badly as could be expected. I needed protection. I went to the only one left who I knew could protect me - the Dark Lord. I would help him restore himself, so that he would be strong enough to keep me safe from my old friends.
I was deeply ambivelant about the concept of using Harry's blood to restore the Dark Lord, and I tried to talk the Dark Lord out of the idea, but to no avail. At the last minute I reconsidered, and nearly let the boy go instead of following orders, but I couldn't - if I did, I would be punished by Sirius, Remus, Dumbledore, Fudge, and anyone else you can name who had a grudge against me for what I've done. The Dark Lord would protect me from them if I restored him. So I did. I was relieved when Harry escaped, but I didn't dare show it. I was now a Death Eater, again. I was bound to the Dark Lord, for life. I didn't really mind that much, as long as that life was long, and he didn't let Sirius within a mile of me.
I do truely regret what I have done, but I felt I didn't have a choice at the time.
* * *
fin.
Disclaimer: The usual - I own nothing - Peter owns this, and J.K.R. owns him.
... oh yeah, and Pink owns her song quote.
* * *
Every day I fight a war against the mirror,
I can't take the person staring back at me,
I'm a hazzard to myself,
Don't let me get me,
I'm my own worst enemy,
Though you would know yourself,
So irritating,
Don't want to be my friend no more,
I wanna be somebody else,
I wanna be somebody else.
-Pink; Don't Let Me Get Me.
* * *
I Am Peter Pettigrew
I am probably not the most popular person, right now ... I'm thinking you all hate me (how observant do I need to be to pick up on that?). I am writing this in my own defence, in spite of the fact that I know there is no adequate defence for the things I have done.
I was a Halfblood - my mom was Pureblood, and dad was a Muggle (you've heard that excuse before, and I'm not using it as an excuse). Mom's family always said I took after dad - I looked exactly like a carbon-copy of him. They said I'd be a Muggle, or Squib, depending on how you looked at it - her family never liked Muggles that much. Dad died when I was nine, and mom started teaching me basic magic - I learned well, and was about as good as most other Purebloods my age (although flying made me sick). I was sent to Hogwarts when I was eleven.
I still remember what the Sorting Hat said to me: "Hmm ... tricky - Hufflepuff definitely isn't you ... Ravenclaw? No - you're not the bookworm type, are you ... Slytherin? I'm not making that mistake again ... the best place for you would be ... GYRFFINDOR!" It used a process of elimiation to sort me - I wasn't going to be loyal, so I couldn't be a Hufflepuff - I wouldn't study hard enough to be a Ravenclaw, and I'm not sure what it meant by 'not making that mistake again' - it could mean it wasn't going to put another rotten Halfblood with potential for evil in the best house to become evil - I really don't know. I think the Hat messed up, though - Slytherin would have suited me better.
I kept myself to myself for all of ten minutes before the two escaped lunatics - James and Sirius - noticed they had another roommate. They seemed to already know Remus. The three of them tried to keep me up half the night, but I ignored them. It took a while for us to become friends, and even then I always felt like a fifth wheel (don't know why - there were four of us ... well maybe if you count Lily, but she didn't get close to them till later). Remus was the only one I really talked to. Remus also had a mild aversion to the insanity aspect of our friends - he liked them, but didn't act as mad. While the other two went off with dungbombs and other explosives, to annoy the Slytherins, Remus and I would usually study together - I wasn't one for the homework thing, either, but it was better than getting into trouble, by going along with Crazy and Crazier.
Remus was a good friend, and we got to know each other very well. When James, Sirius and I found out that Remus was a werewolf, they thought my reaction was one of fear, or even disgust - it wasn't - I was angry that he hadn't trusted me - like he thought I would freak out, or tell someone, or somthing like that. After that, I grew away from him, a bit - I was still the tag-along in their little clique, but I wasn't really a part of it. I didn't have enough in common with the other two to be good friends, and I didn't trust Remus anymore - it wasn't the fact he was a werewolf - it was something I'd heard, once: "You think everyone acts the way you do" - if he didn't trust me, that very fact gave me reason not to trust him.
So I was a loner, hanging on to a group where I really wasn't wanted - they were just too nice to say "get lost". They defended me from the Slytherins, who seemed to hone in on me as the easiest target. I was glad of their friendship, but they were still all better than me - my one true victory was that I excelled in Defence Against the Dark Arts. I was the top of that class - oh Sirius would tease me about it, and claim I couldn't tell the difference between a werewolf and a vampire, but I'm not THAT stupid, really. I was just scraping by in my Potions class, and if it weren't for James, I'd have failed Transfiguration. I was about average in Charms, and History was the most boring thing you can imagine - even Remus slept through it.
We were in third year when James came up with the Animagus idea, and I was quite surprised that they included me in it (especially with my Transfiguration grades). I researched the topic quite thoroughly - James only looked at the how-do-you-actually-do-it aspect of the transformation. I discovered that the animal you get depends on your inner nature. James became a stag - noble, and strong. Sirius became a dog - loyal and tenacious. I became a rat - I didn't tell them that the phrase "rats always leave a sinking ship" had some relevance to the situation - although at the time, I had thought I would never betray them, because they had protected me.
But I did leave, when it looked like we would lose. Malfoy - Lucius Malfoy - blackmailed me into joining the Death Eaters - he said he'd hurt me if I didn't, and he also threatened to do worse if I messed up on the assignment he gave me - to spy on my one-time friends. I should never have been a Gryffindor - I wasn't brave - I couldn't stand up to Malfoy. I went along with the spy gig - he used the standard threat a bully uses: "do as I say or else - don't tell anyone or else worse". I was smart enough - I should have realised, then, that I could just tell Dumbledore what Malfoy was doing, and get protection ... but fear drove me, and I kept my mouth shut (the things Malfoy threatened to do to me - you really don't want to know).
I passed information to Malfoy, and soon grew to like the idea of serving someone powerful enough to REALLY protect me. I had previously believed the standard Gryffindor myth: "good always triumphs over evil" but now I was beginning to wonder - evil sure as Hell had the upper hand. I began to endear myself to the Dark Lord himself - I passed information that even Malfoy didn't get his hands on, and soon was a favourite spy - the Dark Lord had lost faith in his previous favourite (Snape).
James was planning to go into hiding, with his wife and young son. They now knew there was a spy among them. James planned to use the Fidleus Charm to protect them - Sirius was the obvious choice for Secret Keeper. I was totally amazed when they asked me to do it, as a double-bluff. They had been my first friends, and I wavered for a few weeks, before finally giving in, and telling the Dark Lord where they were. I regretted it afterwards. It had been the last straw - my worst transgression - I sealed my fate to serve the Dark Lord forever. And just like that, the Dark Lord was gone - little Harry Potter - James' one-year-old son - had defeated the Dark Lord whom I had feared for so many years.
But I couldn't turn back now - I had just revealed to Sirius (the only one, still alive, who knew who had been the real Secret Keeper) that I was the spy - I had to run. Everyone thought Sirius was the Secret Keeper - they would blame him ... my second friend that I had betrayed. But he came after me, and caught me - I was too fast for him, and I managed to put on the most convincing display - every eye-witness who survived believed he had killed me. I was free.
Free to live the life of a common rat - I couldn't show my face in public, and I wasn't good enough at Transfiguration to permanently change my looks. I considered using Muggle plastic surgery, but I decided that would be too messy ... that and I was afraid of sharp objects coming in contact with my skin. So I hid out as a rat. I found a family that I knew - the Weasleys - Arthur had been a prefect when I had started school. I lived as a familiar - a pet - for Percy. At first I played along with some of the stupid stunts he tried to 'train' me to do, but I soon got bored, and decided to pretend to be the stupid rat that Ron Weasley came into the possession of on his eleventh birthday.
What better position could I have been in? I was protected, and safe, at Hogwarts, and I was living right next to Harry Potter - James' son - the boy who had defeated the Dark Lord. I felt safe, and contented - even to be merely a rat. But when I came back from a great vacation in the sun, I saw a newspaper article saying Sirius Black had escaped from Azkaban. How had he managed that? It was supposed to be impossible. Then Ron's girlfriend (I don't care what either of them says - she's his girlfriend) bought that monster, Crookshanks - I could compare her to Hagrid for buying that creature. It tried to kill me the first time it saw me, and she still bought it, knowing how much Ron cared about me. And Sirius made friends with that cat, and at the end of that school year, they drove me out of hiding. Remus was there too - I'm still not sure how he got to be there. I begged them (Sirius and Remus) not to kill me, but it was only because Harry told them not to that I lived. They were going to hand me over to the Ministry - and, most likely, the Dementors - but I escaped, and I sang my praises to the full moon for some time after that (sorry, Remus).
I didn't know where to go now - I had been kicked out of sanctuary - and out of paradise - and was left alone. I had betrayed my friends, and they had taken it as badly as could be expected. I needed protection. I went to the only one left who I knew could protect me - the Dark Lord. I would help him restore himself, so that he would be strong enough to keep me safe from my old friends.
I was deeply ambivelant about the concept of using Harry's blood to restore the Dark Lord, and I tried to talk the Dark Lord out of the idea, but to no avail. At the last minute I reconsidered, and nearly let the boy go instead of following orders, but I couldn't - if I did, I would be punished by Sirius, Remus, Dumbledore, Fudge, and anyone else you can name who had a grudge against me for what I've done. The Dark Lord would protect me from them if I restored him. So I did. I was relieved when Harry escaped, but I didn't dare show it. I was now a Death Eater, again. I was bound to the Dark Lord, for life. I didn't really mind that much, as long as that life was long, and he didn't let Sirius within a mile of me.
I do truely regret what I have done, but I felt I didn't have a choice at the time.
* * *
fin.