Vainglory's Tom Clancy's Rainbow Six: Siege: Siege Engines of Chaos Theory by David Michaels (Ghost-Written by Vainglory)
It was a beautiful and cheerful day for the 2020 Tokyo Summer Olympics. The butterflies, sparrows, jungle crows, and giant hornets were playfully swooping at people and the athletes at the Olympic Village were just waking up from their orgies. But, when the torchbearer traveled up and down every highway, street, road, alley, and garden path in the country, as per tradition, all creatures took notice from the mightiest tiger in the zoo to the most diminutive microscopic germ in the petri dish. They all shirked whatever chores they were doing and followed him to the stadium to see him run to the middle of the stadium to light the bigger torch with the flame on his smaller torch, which was an ancient spark that dated back to a lightning strike on a tree during the paleolithic eras of cro-magnon hominid hunter-gatherers and the moment of this transfer would be punctuated with Squarepusher's very own rendition of Vangelis' Chariots of Fire theme song.
When the torchbearer transferred his flame and Squarepusher dropped his beat, quite wickedly-sick, if one might add (a/n: Squarepusher is the best IDM artist and if you think Aphex Twin is better then you are a terrorist sympathizer!), everyone applauded. But nobody applauded longer than Team Rainbow, who were providing an invaluable service to the free world by providing security detail so that tragedies, like the one that happened at the Sydney Olympics of 1998 when the Horizon corporation attempted to infect everybody there with the Shiva virus, would never happen again (a/n: I was actually surprised to find out that Tom Clancy actually predicted that the Olympics would take place in Sydney, Austrailia in 2000 AD! It's just like how the Simpsons predicted that Donald Trump would be president of the United States and that 20th Century Fox would become a subsidiary of Disney!).
"Oh boy, it sure is great to be on security detail for the Olympics!" cried Thermite as he took another bite out of his bushel of cotton candy, not chewing it but allowing his saliva to dissolve into a sugary, corrosive syrup that waxed on his teeth, boring cavities into them and making his breath smell of death.
"Yeah," said Ash as she munched on some Butterfinger BB's, which were brought back into production because of a successful online petition, "I was never really interested in the Olympics because it was only on TV and I thought it was just some stupid game show like American Gladiators so I would just play with my 1979 A-Frame Barbie Dream House playset. But seeing them in purpose really broadens your perspective!"
"Aye, lassie," said Sledge as he used the proboscis of his S10 NBC respirator to consume his popcorn, "And the best thing about it is that we didn't even have to pay any money to see it. In fact, we're getting paid to watch this; it's like buying tickets for negative money!"
"Don't forget why we're here." A recruit spoke up and every head turned to look at him, "this ain't no day at the races. We're here to spot anything shady that could be going on and take care of it." Everyone was surprised at how authoritative his tone of voice was.
"SHUT YOUR MOWFH!" Thatcher said arrogantly, "nothing bad has ever happened at the Olympics before so why bother being worried about it now?"
"Hey!" IQ shouted as she was frantically pointed her finger at a group of figures on the other side of the stadium, "there's a bunch of guys on the other side of the stadium and they got these weird boxes with them!"
The entire rainbow crew looked to where IQ was pointing. There were, indeed, a group of figures carting boxes marked "DANGER! SHIVA VIRUS! CLASS 8 SUPERHAZARD! VERY FRAGILE! DO NOT DROP!" on two-wheel hand trucks into one of the vomitoria where maintenance crews would go in to work on the fogging system that spritzed the shoobies tailgating outside in the parking lot with a refreshing blast of cool, misty, chlorinated water.
"Avast, ye mateys!" shouted Blackbeard in his customary idiolect that did as well of a job at emulating a pirate accent as Nesticle back in the 90's did at emulating games on genuine NES hardware, "Hand me a spyglass so I may survey those scurvy dogs, yarr!"
Ash handed him her Steiner 8x30mm M30r binoculars and Blackbeard looked down on them with bemusement, "Arr, what newfangled contraption be this? Ah, well, so long as it be doing its service well enough… Yarrr..."
Blackbeard peered through the binoculars for what felt like hours.
Echo was anxious to know what Blackbeard was looking at, "What do you see?"
"Avast, ye scallywags! I be seeing some mutineers from the Rainbow crew! They be turning coats like unscrupulous merchants of mink and ermine furs, YAAARR!"
"What?!" Thermite was shocked to hear what Blackbeard had just said, "Let me see!"
He took the binoculars from Blackbeard and peered through them. He recognized everyone transporting the suspicious boxes by the vomitorium. Blackbeard was not kidding when he said there were traitors, or 'mutineers', as he called them, among the Rainbow team. Valkyrie, Pulse, Tachanka, Ela, and Bandit were rolling hand trucks loaded with cargo while Smoke was carrying a crate over his head like Chip and Dale from the Rescue Rangers video game on Nintendo. Whatever they were planning to do with those crates was certainly not good.
"Everybody," Thermite said, "We've got an emergency! We need to get over to that vomitorium immediately!"
"But it's so far away!" Ash cried, "how are we ever going to get over there?!"
"I can help!" said Kite, the first of Turkey's Maroon Berets to make it into Rainbow, "I'll deploy my hang gliders and we can fly over to the other side of the stadium in no time!"
"Good thinking, soldier!" the recruit said as though he were in command rather than Thatcher, "we'll get the drop on them in no time!"
And so, Kite deployed a dozen satchels containing hang glider construction kits for everyone and they all built their means of transportation through good old-fashioned elbow grease and two-handed battle grips. When they were ready: Thatcher stretched his hammies and prepared to take flight.
"ARE YOU READY!" shouted Thatcher.
"ROY G. BIV! BULLETS WE WILL GIVE!" this was his subordinate's battlecry!
"RIGHT! RAINBOW SIX! SING A SONG OF SIX PENCE, A POCKET FULL OF DOSH!"
"DIBBLE DIBBLE, DIBBLE DIBBLE, BOSH BOSH BOSH!"
And, with that, they took flight over to the other side of the stadium. The spectators thought these hang gliders were part of the halftime act that the Olympic committee organized because they were unable to afford the Blue Angels after spending several billion dollars on a stadium dedicated to table tennis, so they clapped. Unfortunately, Kite lost control of his hang glider and plummeted on top of Jomo Nyreiry Jr., a star athlete from Kenya, who beat Kite to death. Everybody else made it over by the vomitorium where the traitors went in quite easily, however.
"LET'S LEG IT, BOYS! AAAAHH!" Thatcher cried as he stubbed his toe, "I'm not gonna make it, I think I gotta sit this one out. Ash, you're a fine bird, you take command!"
"Okay!" Ash said as she cocked her Remington GPC (a/n: Ash's gun is called an "R4-C" in the game but that's stupid because it can be easily confused with the Vektor R4 which is a copy of the Galil which is an Kalashnikov derivative while the GPC is an Armalite design), "let's go, guys!"
The Rainbow team poured into the vomitorium like a man swallowing his vomit instead of allowing it to be regurgitated into a trash barrel. They caught a glimpse of Smoke stepping through a doorway lugging a suspicious crate around. It was apparent that he was not lifting the crate with his legs which was entirely out of character for him because the SAS train their operatives on proper lifting techniques (a/n: I don't know if this is true: it's probably something that their parents should have taught them in the first place).
"Quick, everyone!" Ash cried, "the Rogue Rainbow operatives are just through this door. File behind me and let's go stop them!"
As she said that, a booming voice bellowed forth from the room, "I'm afraid that I am unable to allow you to take that course of action, Rainbow!" The voice came from a giant bear of a man built and dressed like an AMX Leclerc main battle tank. He was, simultaneously, a familiar and unfamiliar acquaintance as his voice had the same timbre it always had but his accent was so flawlessly American that it was almost as though he he had been born and raised in Kansas.
Montagne blocked the door with his massive bulk.
"Montaine!" Ash did not know how to pronounce his name and Montagne never corrected her because he did not want to be difficult. "Please get out of the way! Some members of Rainbow turned traitor and we need to stop them!"
She called him by his name (or, more accurately, she called him by her approximation of his real name) first because she believed that he was merely being a klutz and accidentally parking his fat self in this vital chokepoint because he wanted to relax just like a fluffy Persian cat that was inclined to make itself a trip hazard and then go into the Rainbow members' closets to shed on their nice dinner jackets and party dresses.
"Heh heh heh," Montagne laughed, "I am one among the traitors. You shall not pass!"
"Montaine, this is no time for movie quotes! Let us through!" Ash said as she slightly bent her knees to help her voice sound more authoritative rather than whiny.
"If you expect me to move, you will have to persuade me through violence!"
"Okay," Ash trained her Remington GPC at him and Echo followed suit with his MP5-SD, "have it your way!"
Ash and Echo fired a volley of bullets at him but they only plinked off of him and one of the bullets ricocheted off of his shield and struck Ying between the eyes which launched her backwards (not because of the force of impact, 5.56 bullets were too puny and overrated to do that, but because Ying tried to dodge it by jumping backwards) and she plopped down on the floor like a limp pancake made with bogus Aunt Jemima Belgian waffle mix.
"Fools!" Montagne boasted as he munched on a choux à la crème filled with vanilla gelato, garnished with chocolate ganache, and dusted with powdered sugar, "you cannot hope to penetrate my mighty shield with such pitiful calibers! I am insurmountable!"
"Oh no," Ash was on the verge of kvetching, "Whatever shall we do? All hope is lost!"
"Don't be so sure of that, soldier!" the recruit walked up with a block of semtex in his hand. He was shaping it into a highly realistic effigy of Montagne, "the first rule of being a real operator is to adapt and overcome!" the recuit pulled out a sewing needle and pierced the effigy's leg in the Achilles heel.
Montagne cried in pain. He dropped his pastry and fell on one knee as though he was very awkwardly proposing to the recruit, having been presented with a shiny ring embedded with a white sapphire that convincingly passed off as a genuine diamond, "AGH! How can this be!?" Montagne continued to howl in pain and twist his leg around.
"It's simple, really," The recruit was putting a wick inside of the effigy, "you play stupid games; you win stupid prizes," he was then putting a curled roll of duct tape on its back so that it would stick to the effigy as well as any surface he wanted to stick it to, "but you were playing a clinically-retarded game of cat and mouse and just won the clinically-retarded jackpot!" he placed the effigy on Montagne's visor and lit the wick.
Montagne emitted a full-throated woman scream and the semtex effigy blew up in his face. His shield and his fat body localized the explosion entirely to him. Unfortunately, his body collapsed on the choux à la crème and its remains were forever smeared on his lap.
"Wow!" several operators on the Rainbow team shouted at the same time.
"That was amazing! I never would have thought to do that!" said IQ who just got back from the concession stand and was eating a Amsterdam-style hot dog, which was twice as long as a normal hot dog but no more or less girthy and was covered in pizza sauce and mozzarella cheese but this one was special-ordered to also have sauerkraut on it because IQ was hung over and greasy foods like pizza and sauerkraut were very good at absorbing harmful excess alcohol (a/n: you can get all of your essential nutrients from a diet of beer, pizza, sauerkraut, and charcoal tablets because beer will provide the majority of your recommended daily intake of grains while sauerkraut will do the same for vegetables, pizza will do everything else because you can put anything on a pizza, and the charcoal tablets will absorb fats, cholesterol, and salts. Best of all, these are some of the few foods in America that are entirely sugar free so you're guaranteed not to get diabetes from this diet).
"I doubt you would have." said the recruit, "Your leader sounds like a total moron if he never taught you to improvise like this."
"Actually, 'he's' a 'she'." said IQ.
"Well, there's your problem! We'll solve that problem later, though. For now, I'm taking command of this squad."
"But, wait," Ash said meekly, "You're just a recruit and Thatcher gave me command of this squad."
"Then I think a field promotion is an order; just call me 'Captain'."
"Okay.." Ash said, disappointed that she didn't get to lead the squad for once.
"Rainbow Six," The new captain said, "LET'S ROCK, ROCK ON!"
"YEAH! THAT'S THE WAY YOU DO IT!" shouted Sledge enthusiastically.
And they all filed behind him and rushed into the room with the fogging system, screaming their battle cries and firing their guns into the air as though they were celebrating the discovery of a new oil well.
"Attention, Rogue Operatives of Rainbow: I command you to stand down!" the captain ordered.
"And, what, pray tell, makes you think we would surrender?" said the mysterious enemy commander who looked a recruit exactly like the loyalist Rainbow faction's captain.
"Because I said so!" barked the captain.
"'because I said so!'" the evil recruit repeated in a mocking tone, "HEH HEH HEH! You've got a lot of nerve to say that to me after all of the havoc you people continue to wreak on Mother Nature."
"A-HAH! I've found you! You murdered my best friend, Domingo 'Dingaling' Chavez, you maniac!"
"Ah, what a pity. I thought I would have lost you two quantum immortalitations ago. But I've got a new trick up my sleeve that I would like to show you..."
The evil recruit laughed as he pulled off his mask…
"WHAT?! You're a parallel universe version of John Clark, a.k.a. ME!?," cried the captain as he pulled off his own mask, revealing himself to be the spitting image of the evil recruit, "What did he offer you that you found so enticing?"
"Nothing. He had no choice in the matter. I invented a device that allowed me to quantum immortalitate as anybody I and my associates wanted. I am not John Clark but a possessor of his body and an eraser of his soul! It is I, John Brightling!" He triumphantly pointed his thumb at himself.
"John Brightling!" exclaimed Ash, "weren't you the evil corporate executive who engineered the Shiva Virus back in 1998?"
"Yes, I was! MWAHAHAHA! And I'm back for vengeance against Rainbow Six for ruining my plans!"
"But, how?" Ash was deeply confused, "John Brightling was left to die decades ago in the jungles of South America!"
"More like, 'left to his own devices'! You see, John Clark and his goons made the mistake of leaving people who were attuned to nature at the mercy of Mother Nature herself. We lived quite comfortably in the ample bosom of Her mercy and restored power to our hideout. We then went about researching Quantum Physics and Quantum Mechanics to build a device that allowed us to bridge the gaps between parallel universes and achieve Quantum Immortality (a/n: Quantum Immortality is the theory that, when you die, you wake up as yourself in a parallel universe that could be virtually identical to the one you were in before. I have tested Quantum Immortality three times and I can confirm that it works but, please, don't try Quantum Immortality yourself because your family in this universe would miss you very much and they would sue me if they found out you killed yourself after getting the idea to try Quantum Immortality from this fan fiction)."
Eva then came to his side with a green bottle and a champagne glass, "here you go, honey, have some Champagne to celebrate the moment," she said as she popped open the bottle and the cork flew into Blackbeard's eye, poking it out.
"YAARRR! I be needing an eyepatch now!" Blackbeard was quite flustered about his predicament.
"Thanks, Carol," John Brightling said as he took a filled glass from her and drained it in one swig while holding it by its bulb. He gasped in pleasure before crushing the glass with his hand.
"Now, to continue where I left off," John Brightling cleared his throat and continued his monologue, "I also invented a device that allowed me to Quantum Immortalitate as anybody I want and into any parallel universe I want so I naturally picked John Clark. I think I also mentioned how I made another device that allowed me to open up portals into any parallel universes I feel like and I set this universe in my 'favorites' tab, didn't I?"
"I'm sorry," Ash was very confused by what John Brightling was saying, "I'm really confused about all of this, could you go over it again and clear some things up so I can understand what you're saying better?"
"HAHAHA! Of course, I wouldn't expect any of you peasants to understand the complex scientific math that went into my taming of Quantum Mechanics. And how could you? You were too busy poisoning the groundwater with fertilizer! But now, that's a problem that I'm going to correct. For you see, I only need to install these containers of Shiva Virus into the fogging system and I will be able to wipe out the vast majority of no-hopers on this planet, which is what I wanted to do back in 1998 with the Sydney Olympics but somebody, and I'm not naming names, WIL," Smoke hung his head in shame upon hearing this and John Clark used his keen intellect to deduce that he was Wil Gearing, the guy that the Horizon Corporation sent to infect the fogging system at the stadium in Sydney back then, "had to fumble the ball. But now I've got a whole squad of specially trained operators, rather than just one guy in a dorky hat," Wil-Smoke hung his head even lower in shame, "to make sure everything runs smoothly."
"Well, there's one thing you didn't count on, John Brightling!" declared John Clark, "you only had enough goons in your little corporation to possess only a fraction of Rainbow. And we have enough guys right here to take out all of you."
"Hahaha, you can go ahead and kill us but we will just quantum immortalitate into other Rainbow members from other parallel universes and come back to this one. Then we will try the exact same thing at the next olympics and be successful that time! HAHAHA!"
"Well, for what it's worth," John Clark pulled out dual berettas and cocked them, "you won't be successful this time," and then John Clark went into bullet time and killed all of the Horizon Corporation terrorists that were possessing the Rainbow members."
"Oh my goodness!" Ash cried, "You killed our friends!"
"Don't worry," said John Clark reassuringly, "they were actually just parallel universe versions of your teammates. The real Smoke, Montagne, Valkyrie, Pulse, Tachanka, Ela, and Bandit who are native to this universe are back at Hereford Base on standby. Now that this problem has been taken care of, let's get ourselves some well-deserved R&R!"
And so, the Rainbow team watched the rest of the Olympics and then flew back to Hereford Base for a feast.
THE END
Moral of the Story: A pile of diarrhea on a cold morning does not really smell until you pee on it.