So, I got myself an inspiration with this one-shot. I hope you guys like it. (:
You feel yourself slowly slipping from within your grip on reality.
You haven't swallowed one damn pill in over two weeks. But it feels so good; you feel so good.
When you tried to swallow it, you just couldn't. You let it sit on your tongue while Bullfrog watched you swallow nothing and when he left you tore the pill from your mouth and dropped it in your little plastic bag.
Swallow attempt #8
You've tried, but you can't. You just can't.
You feel like, if you do, it'll kill you and turn you into nothing, but you already were turning into nothing and you'd never be able to stop it.
Ever.
.
.
You know the darkness is eating away at you slowly and when Imogen's reflection appears in the mirror you stare at it. She looks rigid and stale; her lips in a thin line.
Maybe it's because of what happened at your house the previous day before, maybe she caught your mistake.
"No, It's you whose amazing, Clare."
"You mean, Clara?"
You know she did. She knows; she's known all along that you still love Clare. But Clare moved on. She's with Jake and you can't change that. She seems happy and has that spark in her eye that she once had with you… so why ruin that? You just want her to be happy and you regret what happened between you and her at the Dot.
You were off your meds for so long now and your insanity got the best of you for those short ten minutes you were with her.
She looked beautiful; she always did.
She asked you a question about the play and your reply?
"You look really pretty."
She looked at you as if she was just stabbed in the chest. It hurt her and you knew that, so why didn't you leave her alone?
Because you're heartless.
You care about what you want and don't think about what everyone else wants; wants from you.
You didn't know who you were anymore as your thoughts scrambled and she asked you another question, but you couldn't seem to put together an answer.
"I'm sorry… I-I can't seem to sort my thoughts."
You know that you're already long gone and there's nothing you can do to fix it.
You're a mess and she can see right through you.
You're still so surprised she didn't ask you if you were taking your meds.
You quickly come back to reality as Imogen's reflection is gone; she left you there, didn't even say anything. Enough had been said.
She was done pining for you.
And you couldn't help but feel guilty. You manipulated her just like she manipulated you. You used her and got her to do what you wanted.
And as you sit here playing with Bullfrog's lighter that you snatched for some unknown reason you stare at the flames.
It feels like your insides are burning away just like the lighter burns a cigarette away. You get withered down into nothing but a bud. You're just sucked dry and thrown away.
But you don't want to stop it; maybe it's for the best. Maybe you'll stop ruining so many lives and they can be happy again once you're gone.
All of a sudden a hand grips your shoulder and you don't know who it is, but it startles you anyway and you flinch.
You look up and Fiona's gripping your shoulder; her lips moving, but you don't hear anything coming out. This scares you for a second until you slowly feel yourself coming back and her voice floods through your ears.
"What?" You question her and she sighs; a frustrated sigh.
"I said, we're going on in two minutes; you're in the first scene."
" I can't do the play, Fiona. I'm a complete mess." You grumble as you stare back at yourself in the mirror. You feel horrible and look different; unhealthy and pale. You just want to throw the lighter in your hand right at your reflection, but you don't.
"Get it together!" Fiona was furious to say the least. You felt horrible, but everything was so mixed up and you couldn't exactly remember all your lines. How could you ever make it through the play?
"Nevermind… I'll do it." You say shooing her away. You just didn't want to deal with her at that exact moment and you weren't really thinking when you told her you'd do it.
But then again, you'd barely been thinking for over two weeks.
It's like you're so utterly confused and you can't even figure out what's going on in your own mind and this scares you even more.
It means you're losing yourself and you can't find your way out of this. It's too late to save yourself. It's been too late. You're already done for and the meds are useless at this point. You need help; badly. And you know it, you don't care how much you hate it, you know it; you know it.
Eventually, you'll be nothing.
Soon you could hear the applause and Fiona's voice.
This was your cue.
You stood up and let out a deep breath.
You can do this; you will do this.
.
.
Things were going so great, but something was wrong and you felt yourself tune out as Fiona said her line. You were in one of the ending scenes, almost done.
Just get it over with, you can do this.
But instead you sit there; not speaking.
"We're almost done, just stick to the script." You hear her whisper and for some odd reason this infuriates you.
"What script? There's no script! You can't write your life!" You roar at her and you hear the audience whisper and gasp. But you don't care, you continue anyway and grab the script from Fiona's hand harshly. You stand up and face the crowd. The lights almost blinding you.
You can see Imogen up near the lights. She's watching you with a pitiful and scared look. Then you see Clare in the crowd.
She looks nervous and fidgety and her face looks anxious.
You don't know what you're doing, but you can't stop. You just keep going like someone else is in control of your mind and body; someone evil and sinister.
You pull out the lighter from your pocket, twiddling it between your fingers and you can feel the tears welding in your eyes.
"No matter how much all of you want a happy ending, you can't have it!" You yell to everyone as you set the script on fire.
You watch it burn and burn till it's nothing and everyone is shocked; they don't know what to say.
They whisper and gasp again as they watch you.
You smirk at the withered pile of ashes that was once your script; you don't know why you did it, but you don't care anymore.
You hear booming clanks on the theatre floor; someone's heels are trudging along to the stage and you know it's probably a furious Ms. Dawes or a furious CeCe… but no; instead, it's a broken Clare. She grabs a hold of both your forearms and stands close to you, looking up at you with tears shining in her eyes.
You finally broke her; really, truly, broke her.
You feel her wrap her arms around you and sob into your chest; you don't know why she's doing it, but you don't really need to know. You hug back and cling onto her. You don't want the moment to end; it's as if you and her were never broken up and everything was as it should be, but you knew… you knew that wasn't true, no matter how much you wanted to believe it.
Nothing could ever go back to the way it was. Never.
She pulls away from you and everyone is still silent, but you don't know why. By now they should be leaving and Mr. Simpson would be yelling at you and your parents would watch in misery.
But their all still there; watching you and her.
Fiona still seated on the bench. No one dared to make one movement or one sound.
She pulls away from you and you watch as she tries to form a sentence and actually speak, but… nothing comes out; nothing. You let your head hang low as you stare at the ground and you feel her back away and then hear her running from the theatre.
She left you again.
But then again, what did you expect?
.
.
You lay in your bed and cling to the comforter.
They found out; your parents.
They found out that you weren't taking your pills and they made sure to have you take a pill before you went to bed, but this time…
You actually swallowed it; you couldn't fight it anymore. You lost. And maybe that was a good thing, maybe you would get better; maybe.
But that wouldn't fix anything. How could it? Everything that happened, you could never do anything to repair it.
Clare would never forgive you.
Your parents would never forgive you.
Imogen would never forgive you.
No one would ever forgive you and you just have to deal with that because it's never going to change. You are never going to change. You might get better, but something tells you that this wasn't your insanity doing the talking; it was you.
You wanted so badly to believe that you weren't the one that did what you did tonight, but you knew the whole time that you were in control of your body and you just let yourself do it.
You did it.
Maybe someday you'll look back and laugh at this…
Who are you kidding? You'll look back and cry at this. This is the day you officially cracked and went crazy. You're insane and no one wants to deal with you. You're useless and crazy; your own parents can't even look at you. You're something else Elijah Goldsworthy. You've transformed into a hideous monster; something wretched and vile. You don't even know who you are anymore and it scares you to the core. You want to be able to smile for real again…
But that's not happening any time soon.
You think about what kids will say when you go back to school in a few days; Suspension.
You wonder if they'll look at you and judge you and say you're insane. But the sad thing is… you're sure it's true. You wonder if they'll be scared of you; if they'll fear you. Will they think so lowly of you? What does it matter anyway? You don't give a crap, you really don't because you know you've finally lost your grip on reality.
You've lost your grip on everything and everyone.
You've lost your grip on you.
You finally have become nothing Elijah Goldsworthy.
You finally have.
Um… yeah. It was my first time writing in that style sooo, tell me what you guys think !(: