Author's notes: Largely inspired by such works as You might be a fanfiction.net writer if... and various parody fics from other categories, I bring you...

Coodnam: Kidz NEXT Dour!

Rated PG-13 to be safe, and for mild swears and mild-ish violence. If you think that this story is familiar to you, you probably wrote it. I kid you not. Also, footnotes will be found at the bottom, and scattered throughout the story. They'll be identified like this: [1], [2], etc.

:3 Let the bad fic begin!


~#~


It was a warm, sunny summer day. The kind of day it always was in the Kids Next Door world. It only rained when convenient for plots there, such as when a character was angsting or someone had just died.

Naturally, the only real downpours occurred when someone was angsting over someone's death.

Come to think of it, it was always summer in this town as well, unless of course it was Christmas, at which point the world would be covered in feet of fluffy white snow that would melt after the presents were given. Everyone celebrates Christmas, and everyone knows it's just not right without snow.

Is anybody Jewish or Muslim in this world? What about Numbah Three -- only one percent of Japanese are Christian, so isn't it plausible that she isn't as well? But, I'm getting off track once again. Not so bad for being four paragraphs in... [1]

There was suddenly a sound that filled the neighborhood with it's... uh, sound-y-ness. No more description shall be given, because, well... My little author brain hurts when asked to describe things! So, there was a sound.

Five Kids Next Door agents ran out of the tree house... and promptly fell about twenty stories down because the tree-house is elevated. Ha ha.

The first of them, Numbah One, spoke up. Wow! What was that sound?

A girl spoke. Her name was Numbah Five. Oh look! The sound came from our enemies, the Delightful Children From Down The Lane, which shall now be referred to as the DCfDtL because it's so much work to type out the six words.

Now that the situation has been explained, another boy (his name is Numbah Four) spoke up. I say we fight them!

Said the two final Kids Next Door members. One was a boy and the other a girl. They were named Numbah Two and Numbah Three, although no hints shall be given as to who is who.

Now that their introduction of sorts was complete, the DCfDtL stood from where they had been patiently sitting and waiting. Now we will try to kill you to complete our top-secret Kids Next Door destroying mission assigned to us by none other then NUMBAH 465645623492314865465602739, the cool traitor the the KND who we obey every word of!

Numbah Two said. We still don't know if this person is a boy or a girl. You just gave away your plan!

Numbah One gasped. No! Not Numbah 465645623492314865465602739, the most beautiful girl I have ever seen and my secret crush! She can't be a traitor!

The DCfDtL laughed evilly. Yes, her! She is so beautiful, with locks of gold for hair and glowing sapphire orbs, of a perfect ten-year-old figure and wearing only designer clothing! She's also nice and brave and cool.

Suddenly, the world shifted into script format!

Numbah Three: This is so horrible! Numbah 465645623492314865465602739 is my best friend!

Numbah Five: My best friend to! We grew up in New York together!

Numbah Four: Well, Numbah 465645623492314865465602739 was my best friend first!

Numbah Two: Numbah 465645623492314865465602739 is my crush as well, just like Numbah One!

DCfDtL: But, she works on our side! She is a tragic villain, forced to be evil because her brother's girlfriend's father's cousin's nephew's daughter's son's grandfather's brother kidnapped her at a young age and put her through a number of tortures and stuff that is too tragic to be written. Just imagine it, Damn it!

Blonde DCfDtL Girl: Oh, and I'm not evil anymore. I renounce you, siblings! Look at me, I can talk out of sync with everyone else without a problem, despite having spent my entire life speaking and acting in sy --

There was an explosion. It made a noise. There was smoke and stuff. Yeah. Can't you tell I've never seen an explosion before? Anyway, the blonde girl was suddenly dead. Lying in a pool of blood with a knife stuck through her. Despite the whole explosion thing. Plot continuity is a bitch. The world suddenly became a narrative again. [2]

Numbah Two gasped. We still don't know the gender. Stupid non-descriptive story. No! My secret love! Forget Numbah 465645623492314865465602739, I love you, blonde girl DCfDtL! He cries for his lost love.

Hmm. Now that I think of it, this was supposed to be a fight scene.

Numbah Three ran forwards and punched the DCfDtL in the face, even though she has two arms and there are four of them. She manages. Hey! We learned her gender!

Numbah Two was too busy (Ha! A pun! Two was too busy!) crying over his love's death to fight, but at least we've figured out that he is, in fact, male. Numbah Four pulled a weapon of some sort out of his... pocket... and shot the DCfDtL. We don't know how, or what. Use your imagination!

Numbah One used his weapon to stab the DCfDtL. The DCfDtL, patient and helpful, stood still and didn't do anything or say anything while the battle happened. How useful. After the Kids Next Door were finished attacking, they took their turn to fight, just like in a hand-held RPG.

One of them punched Numbah Three. One of them kicked Numbah Two. One of them shot Numbah Four, and the last one threw hungry weasels at Numbah One. Numbah Five has been forgotten by both sides. I think she... uh... went to buy a soda or something. Yeaaaah.

(Random Author's Note: Yaaaay! Im getting so good at describin' stuff!!! Wai! Watashi wa baka desu! That's Japanese for LOL! I'm the best author ever!!! I know because I learned it from my cousin, who's Japanese! I'm not lying! LOL!!!) [3]

The battle was suddenly tense. The Kids Next Door were loosing, despite having been winning a minute back. There was blood and weasels everywhere. Numbah One looked worried.

We're loosing. He said.

No kidding. Numbah Five said, from where she had been sitting and playing solitaire.

All is hopeless. Numbah One continued.

I'm so sad! Numbah Three said, sadly. Cause, you know, she's sad.

Suddenly, there was an explosion! There was noise and smoke and all that stuff. This time it wasn't a kill someone for angsting purposes explosion, but a announcing someone's totally cool entrance explosion. Just so you knew.

A girl stepped into the... uh... where are they, anyway? On the street? Floating in midair? Underwater? In the tree house? In any case, a girl stepped into the middle of... it.

She was 4' 7 and weighed 87 pounds. She had long, luxurious blond hair that fell down to the small of her back in shiny waves, and big blue eyes that looked to belong in some sort of girlie anime and not in the Kids Next Door world. Her eyes were perfectly framed by black eyelashes. She wore a baby-blue tee-shirt with pink lining on the hem, neckline, and sleeves, as well as a picture of a cute cat on the chest. The shirt ended just below her bellybutton, which was an innie,' and she also wore a pair of dark blue denim jeans from Old Navy, with normal pockets as well as cargo pockets further down. She also wore new white sneakers that weren't dirty in the slightest, and pink socks with kittens printed on them. She had pierced ears with little heart shaped golden earrings, and was the only character who even got described in the first place. Her name was Mary-Sue, also known as Numbah 465645623492314865465602739, the most beautiful creature in the universe, as well as the strongest KND agent ever. Isn't she punchabl -- I mean, cool?

I won't let you hurt them! Numbah 465645623492314865465602739 said. Her voice was worth writing another paragraph about, but I don't have a thesaurus handy, so let's just call it beautiful and be done.

Numbah One gasped. Gasp! It's my secret love, Numbah 465645623492314865465602739!

Numbah 465645623492314865465602739 smiled modestly, before turning back to face the DCfDtL. She's never deterred from her task, how cool is that?

(Random Author's note #2! I'd like to point out that if you don't write exactly the way I do, you're a sucky author. I am, to be completely modest, the best author on fanfiction.net. I rank stories like this: Below me, or equal to me. The other day, I read a story that was written well and had a good plot. It was the best thing I've read that wasn't written by yours truly. But, I digress. All I'm saying is; I rule and you suck. And I'm not bigheaded in the slightest.) [4]

I'm betraying you, DCfDtL. Numbah 465645623492314865465672739 said sweetly. I've had it with your evil ways, all that matters to me now is that I am with my ONE TRUE LOVE NUMBAH ONE!

Numbah Three is Japanese, didn't you know? So, like all Japanese girls, she giggled and spoke Japanese. Wai, Yon-Roku-Go-Roku-Yon-Go-Roku-Ni-San-Yon-Kyu-Ni-San-Ichi-Yon-Hatchi-Roku-Go-Yon-Roku-Go-Roku-Nana-Ni-Nana-San-Kyu-Ban wa Kakkoi to Kawaii desu ne! [5]

Strangely enough, Numbah Four was able to answer in Japanese. Hai, sou desu. [6]

The author, now satisfied that she has fulfilled her fangirl Japanese requirements for the day, set about continuing the story.

Numbah 465645623492314865465672739 stuck her hand up in the air and yelled, Moon Prism Power! Oh wow! She's a Sailor Scout too! She transformed into a magical-girl outfit that I shall not be describing due to time constraints and fall-asleep factor. Let's just say it was pink, purple, pouffy, and had a HUGE bow in the back. [7]

I'll destroy you, DCfDtL, She said, Even if it kills me! Let's forget the fact that the Kids Next Door were winning just a moment ago.

She yelled, and a weapon of some sort appeared in her hand. Magical Girl Agent Numbah 465645623492314865465672739 Super Cute Attack! Numbah 465645623492314865465672739 yelled, and hit the DCfDtL over the head with her hammer... ha, I bet you thought it was a wand, didn't you?

The DCfDtL died. I mean, the four of them that hadn't died already. They died. Yeah. That's sort of boring, though, so we'll move on.

My love! Numbah 465645623492314865465672739 cried, transforming out of her magical-girl outfit and back into her normal clothing from a few paragraphs up. She hugged Numbah One, and he hugged her back.

Aww, how sweet. Numbah Five said.

Numbah Three agreed, still not done with the fangirl Japanese.

Suddenly, Lizzie appeared! The normally loud and annoying but still nice deep down girl exists no longer, because how else are we going to create a conflict in Numbah One and Numbah 465645623492314865465672739's relationship? Everyone knows that it isn't a good relationship without angst!

So, anyway, Lizzie appeared. She stepped over the bodies of the DCfDtL (or something; why bother with minor details?) and glared at Numbah One. I can't believe you, Numbah One! She yelled.

She's trying to get in the way of TRUE LOVE! Numbah Three exclaimed, apparently speaking english now. Let's forget the small detail that Numbah One is, in fact, cheating of Lizzie. It doesn't matter -- she's a ten-year-old skank.

Lizzie grabbed a weapon from the ground. Hey! We now know that they are not floating in midair! Description: 0, Us: 1!!! She lifted it up (again) and pointed it at Numbah 465645623492314865465672739.

How dare you steal my boyfriend!!! Lizzie yelled in that bitchy way of hers. Don't we just hate her? She's so unreasonable and... stuff! Yeah, and she's a stupid idiot, too!

Numbah 465645623492314865465672739, the wonderful kind perfect-except-for-minor-flaws-like-be #1 KND agent that she is, looked upset. She said softly, despite not having been introduced, I had no idea you were so upset!

Of course I'm upset! Lizzie yelled in reply, before shooting Numbah 465645623492314865465672739. Numbah 465645623492314865465672739 looked surprised, and touched her now wet shirt sadly. [8]

How... could you... Our beloved Mary-Sue cried. I... was always so... kind... to you, Lizzie...

Numbah One gasped and, I dunno what else. Let me dig out my favorite romance novel... hold on... okay! Continue the story!

Numbah One rushed forwards and embraced his love in his warm, muscular arms. She gazed up at him through clouded eyes that had once been the color of the petals of a cornflower, a soft azure that he felt he could fall into forevermore. Except now those orbs were fading, and the crimson liquid pooling on the packed earth below Numbah 465645623492314865465672739 was proof of this sad fact. The love of Numbah One's life, the bright star of his sky, the One Ring to rule them... oh, sorry. Wrong book. [9]

Lizzie looked in confusion at the water gun she was holding. With good reason.

Meanwhile, the cheesy dialogue and narrative continued.

Oh, Numbah One... Numbah 465645623492314865465672739 said, her voice a soft chime on a day with only the slightest of breeze. I only wish that I do not have my life snuffed from me so quickly; my dearest wish is to tell you first that I --

Ricardo -- eh, sorry, Numbah One (forgot to change the name!) -- put a finger to his lover's salmon colored lips. Worry not, my love, for I know what you are trying to tell me already.

Oh -- Numbah 465645623492314865465672739 said softly, smiling in a way that lit her dying face for a brief moment. Numbah One, my darling --

Numbah 465645623492314865465672739 -- Numbah One replied softly, his voice a whisper so low a pitch that it couldn't be heard by any but her, for his mouth had somehow gotten down by her ear. They kissed passionately, with the lips and the tongue and the faces and all that other stuff that I've never experienced because the males in my town are closer to primates then humans. They did stuff. They're ten, but they kissed like that anyway. Good for them.

Sadly, Numbah 465645623492314865465672739 died in the middle of the kiss, which I'm sure made Numbah One feel all nice and squishy inside. Ick. Lizzie was still confused as to how a water gun could kill somebody, and Numbahs Two, Three, Four, and Five had vanished from the scene, as well as the corpses of the DCfDtL.

But they don't matter, because Numbah 465645623492314865465672739 just died. How sad. As you might recall from the third paragraph or so, it began to pour rain. Lots of water. Hey! Water makes a sound, just like explosions and sudden appearances! Spiffy!

Numbah One was sad. Very sad. Very very sad. He was sad because his ONE TRUE LOVE was dead. She had died a tragic death. So, Numbah One was sad. He wondered what could make him not sad anymore. Lizzie melted away from the... ah... screen like everyone else. Suddenly, Numbah 465645623492314865465672739's ghost appeared!

Oops, script time again.

Numbah One: Is that you, my dearest?

Numbah 465645623492314865465672739: Yes, it is.

Numbah One: You're dead!

Numbah 465645623492314865465672739: I can't stand to see you suffer, so I have decided to sing you a song to comfort you.

Numbah 465645623492314865465672739 sings a song in her beautiful voice. If belongs on MTV, because only the BEST SINGERS sing on MTV. Duh. Hey, look! We're back in narrative form!

Numbah 465645623492314865465672739 sang her song, as previously mentioned. A beautiful, touching song. As she sang, Numbah One thought about things, all while mourning her death. It was sad and touching.

Wow! Now we've got song fic!

//Every night in my dreams
I see you, I feel you,
That is how I know you go on//

Numbah One was sad. He knew that at night, when asleep, he'd probably have dreams where Numbah 465645623492314865465672739 was still alive. He'd see her and stuff.

//Far across the distance
And spaces between us
You have come to show you go on//

Numbah 465645623492314865465672739 would be far away (six feet unda' and wherever dead people's souls go), Numbah One knew that there would be spaces between them. Biiiiiig ass spaces.

//Near, far, wherever you are
I believe that the heart does go on
Once more you open the door
And you're here in my heart
And my heart will go on and on//

But, no matter where Numbah 465645623492314865465672739 was, Numbah One knew that his heart would go on. Doors would open, and his heart would go on and on because Numbah 465645623492314865465672739 was in his heart.

Love can touch us one time
And last for a lifetime
And never let go till we're one

Love was when I loved you
One true time I hold to
In my life we'll always go on

Near, far, wherever you are
I believe that the heart does go on
Once more you open the door
And you're here in my heart
And my heart will go on and on

You're here, there's nothing I fear,
And I know that my heart will go on
We'll stay forever this way
You are safe in my heart
And my heart will go on and on

...Yeah, what Celine Di-, I mean, Numbah 465645623492314865465672739's ghost said. [10]

After this meaningful reflecting was done, the ghost of Numbah 465645623492314865465672739 vanished, leaving Numbah One sad and stuff. How horrible and sad! We all cry for Numbah One and his lost TRUE LOVE, Numbah 465645623492314865465672739!!!!!1!!111!!

Suddenly, a few things happened at once. Since I am a lazy author, I shall list them instead of writing them, like a good author should. Waddya expect, this is a fanfiction.net story.

1) Numbahs Two through Five suddenly reappeared on the scene.

2) There was yet ANOTHER sound that shant be described, and

3) Everyone was suddenly standing at the edge of a cliff. Woot! Setting!

...And so, you know what that means! CLIFF HANGER!

Author's notes: Yaaayyy! I bet you all LOVVVVEED this KEWL STORY I WROTE!!!! ISN'T NUMBAH 465645623492314865465672739 the KEWLEST????? Who could this new enemy be (what enemy? All I heard was a )??? Can Numbahs One through Five STOP HIM?????? I BET YOU CAn'T WAIT to find OUT!!!!!!


REAL Author's notes: Ehe... no comment. I plead the fifth? Thank'ye to Paige for bet'ting (assuming you do it...)! Hope you liked!

Feetnotes:


[1] Actually, I'm jewish and celebrate Christmas, so I shouldn't talk.

[2] A reference to another story of mine, where a character is stabbed but is proclaimed dead of food poisoning. It's also a humor fic. I love referencing myself!

[3] Actually, Watashi wa baka desu is Japanese for I am an idiot.

[4] Ehe... this is a BIG throw-away to a certain author on ff.net. I won't say their pen-name, but hopefuly they'll reconize themself with the help of this footnote.

[5] MORE fangirl Japanese. Kuki simply said, Wow! #Four-six-five-six-four-five-six-two-three-four-nine-two-three-one is cool and cute, huh!

[6] Numbah Four said, Yes, that's true.

[7] Come to think of it, she sounds more out of Cardcaptor Sakura then Sailor Moon...

[8] This entire scene with Lizzie is a throwaway to certain stories written by Bit Star...

[9] One ring to rule them all! BIG Lord of the Rings throwaway, there.

[10] Bad songfic parody, obviously, plus a throwaway to my favorite parody fic ever, Horrors of the Overdone Mary-Sue by Noseless Wonder in the DBZ section. In it, the Titanic Theme Song is also sung at a romantic' moment.