Dreams vs. Reality
By: FayeValentine00
Chapter 1
Rukias POV
The war with the Wandenreich ended a while ago now. Here in Soul Society we've already mourned for our dead, tended to our injured and worked on rebuilding our homes and our lives. Things were becoming routine again and the spirits of the Gotei 13 were nearly back to normal.
That aside, I'd been dreading this day for a while but now it was here.
It was sunrise in Seireitei but I'd already been awake for hours. I was sitting on the edge of the porch outside of my bedroom, legs dangling well above the ground as the first rays of lights licked at my skin. It was cool enough outside that I could see my breath so I found myself pulling my robe just a little tighter around my shoulders.
This was the only time today that I was going to allow myself to wallow in self-pity. Once the world started to wake up I'd have to put on my game face. I'd convinced myself that I was not going to let anyone see the sadness in my heart. I especially planned to hide it from the people who knew me best. Ichigo, Renji and Byakuya-Nii-Sama.
Yesterday, when the Captain Commander announced that Ichigo had been given the all clear to return home, my mind had gone blank. I'd forcibly shoved any thoughts of shock, doubt and sadness from my mind and had forced myself to smile supportively to the man in question. Returning to his family was desperately important to him and I had to show him my full support. All the while I could feel the eyes of the other Gotei 13 members in the room glancing over at me with concern whenever they had the chance.
Pulling my legs up on the deck, I wrapped my arms around my shins in a self-hug. Burying my face into my knees, I let my thoughts run freely. The truth is that I didn't want to let Ichigo leave. I didn't want him to be so far out of reach. I knew that I was being childish and selfish and foolish but I just couldn't help it.
I also knew that this wasn't the end. It couldn't be. We were best friends. Maybe more than that… Who even knows anymore? Either way it boiled down to this. Ask anyone who knew us including Ichigo himself and they would tell you that, one way or another, we are definitely connected by the red string of fate.
However, despite knowing all of those things, all I wanted was to keep Ichigo close by. I wanted to be able to see him every day. I wanted us to be able to tease each other, laugh together, talk, fight, make up, and defend each other. Every day I just wanted the chance to make another memory with him.
Was I in love? I don't even know. All I knew was that I'd never truly lived until Ichigo Kurosaki entered my life and for that I owe him everything. Who'd have known that this orange haired brat would make such an impact on, not only my life, but the whole of Soul Society as well. Sighing, I shoved my face harder into my knees and lost the battle against my tears.
It was a little while later when my thoughts were suddenly disturbed and my whole body froze. Ichigo was here. His voice was so quiet that I would have missed it if I hadn't known it so well. "Rukia."
Why was he here now?! I'd been so determined not to let him see me like this! I'd been so sure that I could manage to send him off with a smile but now it was all for nothing. Knowing Ichigo, that was probably exactly why he'd come this morning. He knew me better than anyone. In retrospect, my resolution was probably painfully obvious to him. Now I was forced to wipe away some very obvious tears before I could lift my head.
"Good Morning, Ichigo," I managed but my voice was hoarse. Our eyes met and only then did I realize that I'd been so lost in my own thoughts that he'd been able to walk right up to the deck where he stood before me. I didn't bother trying to force a smile. "You're up early."
"You too," he retorted with a semi-smile that didn't reach his eyes. He was wearing his Shinigami garb, his orange hair looking a little messier than usual in the early morning light.
"If Nii-Sama catches you sneaking in, he's libel to attack." This time we both grinned sincerely.
"Naw," he countered carelessly. "I'm pretty sure I've earned a couple of Get-Out-Of-Jail-Free cards in the last few years, right?"
"That's probably true," I conceded.
Our eyes met again just then and all smiles faded. We both knew what was happening. There were so many things left unsaid. There were so many emotions left unexplored, unexplained, unknown… Yet it was too late for all that now, wasn't it? Ichigo and I came from two different worlds in the most literal sense. He had his own life, his own family and friends long before I'd come along. It would be totally unfair of me to ask him to throw those things aside for me and I never would.
The silence between us went on for what felt like an eternity with nothing to break the stalemate other than the sounds of our soft breathing. Finally it was Ichigo who finally broke the silence with a dramatic sigh, dropping down onto the porch beside me. He was so close that our shoulders were touching. "You really are difficult sometimes, aren't you?"
"Probably." It was the only word that I could mutter. I knew what he meant. He was as much as admitting that he knew that I'd planned to send him off with a false smile. Although in battle this was something that we both accepted and were guilty of, somehow doing so this day felt a lot more like lying to him.
I turned my gaze out over the yard and tried to focus my attention elsewhere. Right then I was very aware of Ichigo as a man. This most current battle with the Wandenreich had brought out a maturity in Ichigo that I'd never seen. He'd not only become stronger and more like a true Shinigami but he'd also obtained a strong aura of balance that drew me to him even more.
"What should I do?"
I was pulled from my thought by his sudden question. His words were spoken so softly, so sincerely that I was taken aback and looked over at him once more. His eyes were focused where I'd been looking just a few moments before and they seemed a million miles away.
I felt myself panic for a moment. This was my chance to say anything I wanted. I could easily just ask him to stay. Or, just as easily, ask him to take me with him but no. That was not an option. Suddenly feeling a little defensive I spoke firmly. "What do you mean, 'What should I do?' … You should go home and hug your sisters. You should fight with Isshin, visit your friends, finish high school, go to college, make a life for yourself and live happily ever after." I paused for a moment and then mock regretfully added. "Okay… and maybe you should make the time to fight a hollow or two once in a while as well."
I saw a true smile light up his face at that last part and he turned to meet my eyes but before he could say anything I continued, the words pouring out of my mouth. "Ichigo, you've saved my life more times than I can count. You've saved Soul Society from Aizen and you've saved it again from the Wandenreich. You've helped us restore peace and balance. If anyone deserves a happily ever after than it is you."
The serious tone in my voice surprised even me and, never one comfortable with praise, Ichigo looked away again with a smiled that was decidedly half-hearted. Reaching out, he wrapped his arm tight around my shoulder. "Thank you, Rukia."
There was another long silence as we sat in that half-hug, enjoying the morning air with my head on his shoulder. Moments like these were too rare to rush but, after a while, I broke the silence. "Will you make me one promise?"
His gaze never left the yard but I knew I had his full attention when he replied. "What is that?"
"Please promise… Please promise me that his isn't goodbye."
Ichigo hugged me a little tighter and chuckled. "Don't be stupid. Of course this isn't goodbye. At the very least you are still my best friend, right?"
"Hmm." I murmured my agreement, fresh tears beginning to fill my eyes.
"If you know that then how could you even ask? Idiot."
All around us, we could hear the world beginning to wake up. People were starting to move around inside the mansion and outside of the gates . I'd be lying if I said I wasn't just a little disappointed that this moment was coming to an end.
Only when one of Nii-sama's attendants walked down the porch where we sat, giving us a sideways glance, did Ichigo finally drop his arm and turn to face me. "You know, my dad and sisters will never forgive you if you don't visit. Dad will be lost if he doesn't get to see his third daughter."
Although I snorted at that with a playful roll of my eyes, I could see right through him. It was obvious that those were not the words he'd intended to say. Or at least they were not the words that were weighing heaviest on his mind but I also knew that he was going through the same internal battle as me.
Knowing there was nowhere else for this conversation to go without causing more pain, I smiled and nodded. "Of course." My voice sounded oddly tense as I continued. "The same goes for you. You're the hero of Soul Society. Everyone will miss you."
His laugh was humorless. "Somehow I doubt that. Nearly every time I come here something terrible occurs."
I countered his humorless laugh with one of my own. "Idiot!" I was trying desperately to overcome the tears that'd begun to well up. "You know how important you are to everyone. … Besides, even if that was true, I would miss you."
Just then the wind picked up and a chill ran through my body. Ichigo saw and reached out pulling my robe tighter and meeting my eyes seriously. "At least that is something that I can believe."
Instantly the urge to cry was overwhelming and with tears trickling down my cheeks I dropped my gaze. "I should really go get dressed." Rising to my feet I muttered, "Thank you for coming to check on me."
Why did my traitorous voice sound so ridiculously formal?!
"Are you coming to see us off today?" Ichigo asked quickly before I fled, his voice heavy.
"Yes. I-" My voice cracked. Dammit! "I will definitely be there."
With those words, I fled to my room. I closed the door just in time to muffle the sob that escaped my throat. I was being such a little girl about this. In reality, Ichigo and I had said our goodbyes in much more permanent way a couple of years ago when he'd lost his Shinigami powers all together but now time and circumstances had made it so much harder.
I knew it was time to face the truth.
The crush I'd once had for Ichigo Kurosaki was long gone.
Despite all logic and all of my best efforts…
I was desperately in love with that man.
To Be Continued