The Obstacle In Our Path
Lola and Saad ran into his bedroom in their swimsuits, giggling and still soaking wet from the pool.
"I can't believe you pushed me in!" Lola squealed. "I'm so gonna get you back for that!"
Saad tossed her another towel and grinned, just looking at her for a second and admiring the way her body looked in that bright pink bikini. She was so tiny, but her long blue curls and gorgeous eyes made her stand out in any room. "What?" she said, noticing his lingering stare.
"Nothing," Saad said, smiling. "Just... I love the way your hair looks when it's wet. It's even curlier than usual."
Lola smiled back. "Well, yours gets a cute little cowlick," she said, running her fingers through his messy hair teasingly. She leaned in and kissed him slowly.
Saad leaned back into the bed, pulling Lola on top of him and kissing her back. She kissed him again and Saad slowly let his hands wander around her body. Lola stopped all of a sudden, looking hesitant about something.
"Is something wrong?" Saad said, quickly pulling his hands away.
"No, I-- you didn't do anything wrong," Lola said quietly, her face turning pale. She sat up, barely looking at him. "I just... I can't let myself go there again. Not right now."
Saad looked at her worriedly. He felt bad all of a sudden, worried that maybe he had been pressuring Lola into sex without even meaning to. "It's okay," he assured her. "We don't have to do anything you're not comfortable with." He tried to smile.
Lola still didn't look at him. "It's not that I don't want to," she said. "It's just, after what happened last year..."
Saad stared at her in confusion. "What do you mean? What happened last year?"
Lola finally looked up at him. "You really don't know?" she said. "I thought everyone knew. After I made that video, it was all anyone talked about for the rest of the semester."
Saad tried to think back to last year, but he still didn't know exactly what Lola was referring to. He'd heard people talking about her, about some video... but he didn't remember specifics. He barely even knew Lola back then, and besides, he was never one to pay attention to gossip. "I never heard about it," he said to Lola, shaking his head.
Lola sighed deeply. Saad had always sensed that she was carrying something heavy with her, a secret she couldn't discuss with him. You could see it in her eyes-- past that bright blue hair and bubbly smile, there was a story to tell.
Lola scooted closer to him, trying to gather her words. It wasn't that she was ashamed. As Frankie had said, "the whole point of the video was to own it." She'd never regretted it, and in a way it made her who she was today. But there were still times when she felt like maybe she should feel guilty, like she was supposed to feel bad or something. It still felt a bit... jarring to see babies or pregnant women out in public. She tried to think how far along she would be now if she hadn't terminated the pregnancy-- seven, no, eight? months. It didn't matter. She knew from the moment the test came back positive that she was never meant to keep the baby.
Still, she felt nervous about telling Saad about the abortion. She worried it would make him look at her differently, like he would think she was a bad person. Even though Frankie and Shay eventually supported her, not everyone reacted positively to her video. A couple of anonymous viewers had written "baby-killer" and "slut" in the comments, which took her days to shake off. And some ultra-religious girls at Degrassi gave her dirty looks in the halls still. They didn't understand. They never would.
"Do you want to tell me about it?" Saad asked gently.
Lola took a deep breath, then nodded. This was a part of her, and she wanted him to know. "So, last year," she said, her voice trembling. "I um... I hooked up with Frankie's older brother. It was my first time and I... I got pregnant." She sighed, not looking at him. "It was my fault, really. I took my birth control pills wrong... it was stupid. But anyway, I um... I had an abortion." She closed her eyes for a second, choosing her words carefully. She hadn't talked about this since... well, since the video. And she'd never told anyone who the dad was before. "It was the right choice for me. It... it didn't make sense to keep it. I couldn't keep it, you know? I just couldn't. So I did what I had to do." She sighed again, then finally looked up at him, nervously awaiting his reaction.
Saad didn't say anything for a second. He slowly grabbed her hand, squeezing it gently. "That must have been really hard," he said quietly.
Lola squeezed his hand back. "The actual decision wasn't really hard for me," she said. "It was scary, but... I'm not ashamed of it."
Saad nodded quietly. "You don't have to explain yourself to me," he assured her. "You've never judged me. I'd never judge you either."
Lola leaned in and kissed him softly. She let out a sigh of relief, like a giant weight had just been lifted off her chest. "Um, don't-- don't tell anyone who the dad was, though," she said nervously. "You're the only one who knows. Even Frankie and Shay don't know it was Miles."
"Sure," Saad said. "I won't tell." He stared down at the floor for a second. "Um... I've got kind of a secret too. I've never actually done anything with a girl. Well, before you, at least."
Lola smiled playfully. "I was your first kiss?" she giggled.
"Don't tell anyone," Saad laughed, blushing.
Lola leaned into him. "Let's just... go slow, okay?"
"Yeah," Saad agreed, resting his head on her shoulder. "Slow sounds good."