Baby Steps
written and edited by
Joebagadonut, WhyMeiTalksWithPigeons
Notes:
Baby Steps begins in the immediate aftermath of chapter 36 of the Citrus manga.
We also wish to state that Baby Steps is a story that we have been brainstorming ideas and planning for over a year. It is set in the same time period as Saburouta's Citrus Plus but we would like to assure readers that any similarities between the two are purely coincidental.
We are incredibly pleased to be able to share the first chapter with you and hope that you enjoy reading it. Thank you!
Please, let us know what you think by leaving a review.
Obscured By Clouds
Drip. Drip.
The restless faucet cut through the distant noise of the television as a news report went ignored. For Aihara Ume, matters beyond the sphere of her family mattered little in that moment of time. She placed the final bowl back to its proper place in the kitchen cupboard and nodded with satisfaction.
Everything as it should be.
The evidence of another successful meal for two had been swept away, becoming little more than a memory, a troubling reminder of the impermanence of all things.
Still, she could not rest easy and even as she took her seat in front of the television, the sound failed to reach her. Her pricked ears continued waiting for a stimulus that her brain quietly whispered would not be coming. Her home had become a quiet place and she found herself wishing for a return to the lively atmosphere that had never failed to provide a welcome distraction from the rigours of her working day.
Now, as she sat alone in the darkened room, she began to feel an ache that had previously been confined to shadow. An ache in her back. An ache in her stomach. An ache in her heart.
The last few months had taken their toll. She lifted her hands and stared at her palms for a few long moments; even in the room's penumbra, the few callouses that formed a metacarpal constellation were easily visible. They chronicled the story of her life and yet she had found them to somehow be more unsightly as of late. Her husband had only left on his latest round of travels a few weeks ago but she had already found herself missing being able to place those hands upon his shoulders.
When the phone rang, Ume frowned in surprise. She had not heard that clear cut ringing tone in months; it was a remnant of a time when waiting for a call meant staying at home. It belonged to a different world. Upon such thought, she stood in a hurry and, forgetting her slippers, rushed to the foyer. The quick thudding of her bare feet gave form to her sudden excitement, one caused by an intuition that she refused to acknowledge. Regardless, there was no time to indulge in conjecture, for she had already lifted the receiver to her ear.
"Hello?"
"...Mother." To hear her Mei call her mother, after so many months of silence, procured Ume a joy that could hardly be contained within the confines of language.
"Mei-chan!" She exploded with little regard for the late hour, careful to conceal the catch in her throat with a single laugh, as always unwilling to burden her children with her emotional temperament. A mother's heart was no longer her own.
"I apologize for calling at such a late hour, Mother." Mei's elegant speech pattern had Ume chuckle in bemused affection. It was part of her daughter as much as her purple gaze was and because of that, it was invaluable to her. Still, she could not allow for such a statement to remain unchallenged.
"Now, now, such things do not matter." She took paused, picturing the image of an adorably wide eyed Mei-chan in her mind, before continuing in her most loving voice. "You can call at any hour, Mei-chan."
"Regardless, I..." Ume's hands tightening around the device as the silence stretched for more than a few seconds. She simply waited for her daughter to continue while chewing her lower lip.
"How is work at the moment?" The sudden question did not surprise Ume as it permitted Mei to steer the conversation to a neutral terrain.
"It's quite tiring at the moment, Mei-chan - Either that or your Mama is getting older!" With a chuckle, Ume effortlessly moved to a more casual tone of voice to accommodate her daughter. She continued talking about her day, able to make even the most mundane of happenings sound interesting.
"The marriage has been called off, Mother."
"What?" Ume did not know what to be more surprised by: the content of the statement or that her usually cool and collected daughter had blurted it out. "I'm sorry for talking about myself, Mei-chan. What's going on?"
"After speaking to Udagawa-san, it appeared that neither of us was enthusiastic about the arrangement."
Another pause, this one filled with trepidation. Ume's grip around the phone tightened once more, until a dull cracking sound forced her to relax. She had to endure, this silence was not for her to break.
"I... I could not do it, Mother."
The odd tremor in her Mei's voice was cause for concern but it also filled Ume with relief. Her daughter was deeply troubled, that much was clear, but the simple fact that she had allowed herself to appear vulnerable was a positive thing for the girl whose heart usually remained closed.
"It's better to be open about these things, Mei-chan. That's what I think." She nodded firmly to herself. "You and Udagawa-san did the right thing by being honest with each other and yourselves."
Her own marriage had been a contentious one, albeit for very different reasons. Because of that, when Mei had told her about her plans, Ume had maintained a neutral stance. She had not wished to further burden Mei as her daughter's mind appeared to be set. Since then, not a single a single day had passed that did not see her regretting the decision to keep silent. A young girl should never be forced into such a situation. It was not right.
"I...Thank you, Mother." The delicate quality of Mei's voice filled Ume with tenderness and she could easily imagine her youngest dropping to perform a perfect bow, her long jet black tresses falling forward, the tips of her hair almost grazing the floor.
"If it is agreeable to... the pair of you, I would like to come home." Her cool tone became tremulous as the sentence progressed, a fleeting moment of frailty for a girl who rarely allowed her emotions to break the surface.
"Of course, darling!" Ume's reply was an exclamation of pure undiluted joy, uttered on bouncing feet. Once she recovered from her outburst, she gazed around with furtive eyes, almost expecting to be scolded as the hour was late. The neighbors would have to excuse her; her daughter was coming home.
A soft exhale at the other end of the line brought a smile to her lips. It was a smile only a mother would understand. When it came to family, her daughter's wounds were deep and yet, there she was, bravely taking another chance.
"This is your home, Mei-chan." She added, not caring to hide the catch in her voice this time.
Once the call was over, Ume set the receiver down with extreme care and found herself smiling as the image of Mei dialing the number, with only the tips of her slender fingers appearing from the long sleeve of her cardigan, formed in her mind. Her daughter was coming home in about a week and Ume could hardly wait. The silent house no longer felt like a sad and ghastly creature; it seemed to be waiting instead and the quiet was merely a moment of preparation. This place was meant for more than two people.
At the thought of having both of her daughters with her, Ume's free hand flew to her mouth, the lump in her throat giving way to a sob at last. She refused her tears even though they were sweet ones as Yuzu never failed to grow anxious when spotting her crying face. She had seen it too many times as a child and those had not been happy tears. Ume was quick to set her regrets aside though, as she knew all too well how dwelling on the past only caused her to miss the present.
"Alright!" She exclaimed, placing her hands on her hips and nodding to herself in the mirror. Her hair was a bit ruffled as she had been twirling her locks around her fingers while talking to Mei. The traditional phone had probably tricked her back into this old habit of hers.
She ran her hands through it, smoothing it down summarily before skipping across the living room. She made her way to her daughter's room swiftly, easily moving through the dimly-lit hallway, her senses sharpened through years of parenting.
A parent developed special instincts and as of late, Ume had been in conflict with hers. Yuzu no longer smiled as she used to and her gaze appeared so tired, as if even holding her eyes open required a terrible effort. There was a silence lingering about her, something unspoken as thought part of her had been been severed. Ume had been resisting the urge to ask her daughter about any of it as those pesky instincts of hers kept telling her that this silence was for Yuzu to break.
As she stood in front of her daughter's door, she abandoned her musings and rapped her knuckles upon the smooth wooden surface, breaking the silence with her rhythmical tapping. A long moment followed, one that saw her strain her hearing as she waited, wishing for a reply that never came. She deflated as a long sigh fled her lips and rested her forehead against the door alongside the flat of her hand. It was to be expected; Yuzu had been going to sleep quite early in the last few months.
A smile found its way on her lips at the thought of Yuzu sleeping with her limbs shooting out in every direction while the covers lay scattered about her. It provided her with a very good reason to step into the room. The evening was slightly on the chilly side and she had always adored tucking Yuzu in.
She cracked the door open and was pleased to discover that the room was not completely full of darkness. Yuzu was sitting at her low-lying table in a bubble of light provided by her nightstand lamp. She was very much awake, with an open schoolbook in front of her as she wrote down notes on a paper with stunning diligence.
Ume leaned against the doorframe, loosely crossing her arms over her chest while relaxing into a bemused expression. She did not bother to call for her daughter because by the way her head was slightly bobbing up and down, it was clear that Yuzu had a pair of earphones hidden beneath her flowing gold hair. Ume reached to switch on the main light, flooding the room with brightness at once.
"Mama!" Yuzu squealed, now staring at her while pulling her earphones from her ears.
"Sorry, darling." Ume chuckled, waving her daughter's concern away. "Would you join Mama for some tea, sweetie?"
"I...sure." Yuzu replied and immediately looked away. "I only need a moment to order my notes." She continued before busying herself with the papers littering her table.
"Ah! Look at you!" Ume smiled warmly, the teasing present in her voice held only affection. "You've became quite the student, Yuzu-san!"
"Well..." A soft blush spread about her cheeks. "...The test is tomorrow and I'd like to break the top 50 this time."
"I'll wait for you in the kitchen then." She said, suddenly unable to stop smiling when Yuzu nodded at her.
Ume could not stop herself from frowning when her daughter stepped out of the dark aisle, there was little sound or vibrancy in her presence and her unfocused gaze suggested her to be lost in her own world. Perhaps she was simply tired as her focus on her study had eroded her sleeping time. Ume knew her lie was a futile one though.
As always careful to not burden her children, Ume traded her frown for an easy smile when attention returned to her daughter's eyes. Her smile soon became a sweet and loving one as soon as Yuzu attempted to return it while making her way through the living area. Her daughter's smile was a small one and did not quite reach her eyes but Ume valued efforts as much as she valued results in her personal life.
Yuzu walked with her hands buried in the pockets of her hoodie, the stance accentuating her slouched posture, making her appear even smaller at the moment. She was not wearing her usual array of bracelets and charms, which along with her unusually flat hair made for an unlikely picture. Still, even the sudden reprieve from her fashion-inspired ways could be a byproduct of tiredness. It made for an unusual sight but Ume believed her daughter's academic aspirations to be more than worth the occasional lack of style.
Once she joined her at the table, Ume stared at her from above her steaming cup of tea for a long moment, barely holding back a chuckle when Yuzu's wrapped her hands around her own cup, revealing the chipped nail polish on her fingers. Still, she melted into an expression of only love as her mind revisited the memory of teaching a little Yuzu how to paint her nails. It surely was one of her sweetest memories but then, the same was true of each and every moment involving her daughter.
"Orange and ginger. That's a new flavor." Yuzu rescued her from her musings after taking a long sip from her cup.
"It feels good to change on occasions, doesn't it?" She smiled sweetly at her daughter and was not entirely surprised to find a pensive expression on her delicate face.
As soon as she took notice on her perplexed expression, Yuzu was quick to agree with her, even mustering a smile before hiding behind the action of sipping her hot beverage. Ume stared at her own tea, rotating the cup gently as to contemplate the rippling surface.
"Mama?" The note of concern in Yuzu's voice had her lift her head immediately. She mentally scolded herself for indulging herself at such a delicate time. She soothed Yuzu's confusion with a reassuring smile and reached over to wrap her hand around hers.
"It's all right, darling." Yuzu's hand was uncharacteristically cold and for some reason it felt incredibly small. Holding it never failed to tether Ume to the present as Yuzu would immediately return the favor. This time though, her daughter's hand remained limp and uncertain in her grip.
"Mama is quite happy, actually." She leaned closer, yielding to the temptation of combing her fingers through her child's hair, smoothing her blonde fringe sideways.
"Mei-chan just called and-"
"Is she alright?" Yuzu blurted out, cutting her sentence midway. The urgency in her voice was close to frantic and the piercing intensity of her gaze pinned Ume to her place.
"Yes. Yes, she is." She hastened to reassure her child, cupping her face in a firm caress before leaning forward to look directly at her.
"The marriage has been called off. Mei-chan is coming home." She took care to firmly enunciate every word, resisting the urge to rush the reveal, yet she found herself smiling uncontrollably at the sudden widening of Yuzu's eyes. Their beauty had been hidden by downcast gazes and heavy lids for far too long.
"...When?" Yuzu asked in a whisper before tucking her chin into her chest, as thought trying to avoid her gaze.
The subdued reaction sobered Ume slightly; she was not as naive as to think the time ahead would pass without challenges and she had expected Yuzu to be wary. Still, her instinct told her that something else was at play.
"She'll be home next week, darling!" She continued in unabated enthusiasm, electing to hold onto her positive attitude as there would be no point in concealing her happiness. Beside, offering her honest feelings was the most respectful way to honor her loved ones.
"She has to complete a few things and then she'll be moving back in." She paused to smile at her daughter, trusting the short time separating them from Mei's return to prompt a reaction from her.
"Isn't it wonderful, Yuzu?" She added, bringing her hands together under her chin with a sound clap.
Her enthusiasm gave way to worry as her predictions were completely thwarted. She found herself frowning as Yuzu's eyes became vacant. Her sole visible reaction was to curl her hand at the base of her neck. She made a tight fist around her shirt, creasing the fabric with little regard.
"Yuzu?" She called, hoping to gain back her daughter's attention. Or a sliver of it, as her child had slipped away, somewhere far out of her reach, to a place where Yuzu had been spending more and more time lately.
"Mmhmm." Yuzu managed a half-hearted nod, seemingly coming back to the present but quick to hide herself from view as she immediately lifted her hands to rub her eyes.
Ume did not miss the subtle tension within her movements yet she wisely elected to keep quiet. She had honed her timing when it came to parenthood almost to perfection, at least when Yuzu was concerned.
"You seem tired, darling." She intoned lovingly, smiling in amused affection when Yuzu slapped her own cheeks slightly, as if trying to wake herself. In truth, the action was meant to clear her mind. Ume knew all too well as she had the same quirk.
"Yes...I should go to bed, Mama." Her quiet voice held a peculiar frailty as anguish was clearly mixed within it. It was a welcomed change as during the past months Yuzu had appeared defeated and empty for the most part.
"We'll talk more about it tomorrow, sweetie." She reached over to push Yuzu's blonde hair behind her ear, hand lingering to caress her daughter's smooth cheek. The easy smile on her lips never faltered and she was careful to keep her brow relaxed.
"Hey Mama-" The sudden firmness of her voice startled Ume and she found herself holding her breath for what seemed a endless time as her daughter's looked directly at her, her eyes animated by a spark that was as welcome as it was promising.
"What is it, Yuzu?" She asked once the silence stretched to dampen her enthusiasm while the resolve in Yuzu's eyes dissolved to leave her gaze unfocused again. Ume stared powerless as Yuzu slipped away to pensively chew on her lower lip.
"...Thank you for the tea." She said at last, giving her a tired smile before moving to collect her cup and stand up.
"I'll take care of it, sweetie." Ume reached over, promptly stopping her from cleaning the table. She gave her a long look and gently squeezed her cold hand before offering her an easy smile.
"Sleep tight, darling."
Yuzu thanked her with a measure of shyness before retreating for the night, leaving Ume alone with her troubled mind.
The darkness of the kitchen soon closed on her as the happiness she felt over Mei's return grew agitated by the concern Yuzu's reaction had filled her with. She set to analyze the situation from different perspectives but in the end, no matter the angle, she could not unravel the riddle that Yuzu had presented her with.
A loud sigh fled her lips, it was not a sound she would ever allow her children to hear but in the solitude of the moment, she finally allowed her concern to break the surface.
Some people claimed to be able to tell the future by looking at the leaves of tea, she reflected while tracing the rim of her no longer steaming cup with her fingertip. Ume doubted such feats to be possible. Regardless, there would be little gain in knowing the future since it was the present that eluded her at the moment.
This puzzle missed more than a few pieces.
She grimaced, another expression saved for her moments of solitude, and forced herself to finish her lukewarm tea in two long sips. It felt surprisingly bitter on her tongue, the taste marred by the sudden guilt flooding her as she came to the frightening realisation that she had, once again, taken Yuzu for granted. It was a mistake she was prone to making as her oldest child had never failed to support her in the past - No matter how dark the day would get, she would light it up for her Mama.
Ume took care to smother the tea mat with extreme zeal before carefully placing the empty cup on it, trying to center it exactly in the middle. She sat motionless for a long moment then, her slow breathing the only sound. She nodded to herself slowly before finally resolving to clean the table and prepare for the night.
Everything as it should be.
Echoes
Mei sipped at her freshly-poured tea and found herself getting increasingly lost in her mother's words. Aihara Ume was a woman who spoke with such enthusiasm and sincerity that it was easy to get swept up in the torrent of energy. As was her wont, she had insisted that the pair share a pot of tea after she had collected her daughter from the home of the Aihara patriarch.
Yet deep in Mei's heart, she knew that her mother's enthralling patter was not the reason for her inability to focus on anything beyond the curved boundaries of the warm teacup. She was home. The thing that she had desired so strongly was now back within her grasp but somehow, things were not quite as she remembered them being.
"...And speaking of your Papa, he said he might be able to come home in a few weeks to visit us - Isn't that wonderful, Mei-chan?" Ume asked with those wide eyes that would so often appear when she spoke of her husband.
"Yes." She had not seen the man in months and had only exchanged a few emails in that same period.
Mei shifted in her seat slightly as her mother paired a wide smile with an expectant gaze. She took another sip, allowing her lips to rest in the warm liquid for a few seconds as though that small time extension would allow her to prepare a more satisfactory response. She was certain that mother understood that she still had difficulty unravelling her feelings towards the man she had admired and antipathised at varying points in her life.
"Yuzu and I will have to come up with something special for the four of us to eat." Ume mused.
Her words had broken the awkward stalemate but Mei found no reprieve in her mother's voice. She spoke that name; The name that had seldom left her mind for much of her high school life. To hear someone else speak it forced her to take a perspective that she had spent so long trying to suppress.
Yet despite her efforts, Yuzu had embedded herself in Mei's psyche.
"Are you okay, Mei-chan?" Ume asked, snapping Mei back to reality.
"Yes, mother. As I am sure you know, it is a busy period at the moment: Exam preparation, student council business and those wedding arrangements." Mei's response was instinctive and drew upon her belief that her mother would not pry too much, unlike Himeko or, heaven forbid, Mizusawa-san
"Of course. Yuzu has been studying so hard. Your Mama is so proud of both of you!" Ume exclaimed before slowly rising out of her seat. "...But your Mama also needs to get ready for work. We can talk more later."
As soon as her mother was out of sight, Mei found herself tugging at her collar. The elegant metal band that hung from her necklace had never felt as heavy as it did now and brought with it a dull ache that been as omnipresent as her own shadow. Perhaps, Mei thought to herself, this was only fair. She had caused the pair of them nothing but trouble with her selfishness and now she found herself seeking their comforting presence once again.
She resisted the urge to touch it and contented herself with the feeling of the ring hidden beneath her white school shirt, the cold metal like a needle on her chest. Like her, it remained the same even as everyone surrounding her seemed to be in a constant state of change.
"Don't worry about unpacking today, Mei-chan." Ume returned to the room, now wearing her overalls and carrying a hard hat and hi-vis vest. "Just relax and get a good night's sleep for your test tomorrow."
Mei pursed her lips. There was no exam tomorrow and she was certain that Yuzu knew that too. So why lie to her mother? It was a question to be answered another time and she decided to remain aloof on the subject for the moment.
"Thank you for today, mother." Mei stood and bowed deeply to her as Ume laced up her boots.
"You're always welcome here, Mei-chan." Ume smiled. "I'll try to be back in the morning before you leave for school."
They exchanged goodbyes and Mei then found herself alone in the apartment, now illuminated in a warm golden light as the sun began to set over Tokyo. Her first order of business was to let out a deep sigh. She was truly thankful for her mother's assistance and her questions were perfectly justified, though it was only in private that Mei felt that she could truly be herself. The notion of remaining unseen until the end of her days was an oddly appealing one in that moment.
She then began to pace about their living area with catlike steps, setting her eyes on every detail, committing every aspect to memory so that they would not escape her again. Things were largely the same, which only served to magnify the small changes that had been made in her absence.
Kumagorou, the large teddy bear gifted to her by her father, was no longer sat at the end of the dining table. She could not bear to bring him with her when she left and now, she found herself longing to see the oversized stuffed toy once again.
Have I ever really changed?
She pondered the question. After all that had happened, she still found herself standing alone and pining for a child's plaything.
She next walked over to the kitchen area and took stock of the photographs stuck to the fridge. There were fewer than she remembered but the awkward and not-quite-straight cutting of the bulky photo paper was still her mother's unmistakable signature. The images themselves were relatively unremarkable: An old photo of her father in Kenya, a snap of her mother raising a glass of beer and finally, a picture of her and Yuzu in their uniforms, taken on the first day of their second year in school.
They had not long been dating then and Mei felt a ping of nostalgia as she recalled the morning the picture was taken. Yuzu was always one to strike a pose when set upon by a lens and this was no exception.
Still, she could not ignore the fact that there used to be far more photographs dotting about the fridge, including more of herself and Yuzu. A wave of guilt washed over her as she considered what it must have felt like for Yuzu to be reminded of what they had shared every single morning and every single evening. Hoping for a clean break had always been wishful thinking and she could not blame them for wanting to hide certain memories away, just as she had tried and failed to do.
Her slippers lightly flapped against the soles of her feet as she moved towards Yuzu's bedroom. Their bedroom. There was no putting it off any longer and she paused for a moment at the door before pulling down on the handle. It creaked open and the light from the hallway spilled into the darkened room, the door casting a shadow over one half of the double bed, still sat against the wall, just as it had always been.
In one elegant move, she reached out and pressed the light switch without needing to look; That too was exactly where she remembered it being. It was there that she reached the boundaries of familiarity though. Mei remained standing in the doorway and observed her surroundings closely; The furnishings remained the same but sat in different positions to what she remembered.
She stepped forward and closed the door behind her. The floor-to-ceiling bookshelf, once half-lined with kitschy trinkets that Yuzu often frittered her money away on, was now neatly organised with bulky textbooks, many of which she could find in her own collection back at Grandfather's home. Yuzu's strange assortment of manga had grown little since Mei last saw it but it still filled an entire shelf, two deep with fiction - romance, mostly. She reached forward and pushed the spines of the slender volumes against the back of the shelving unit and disappointingly, the spines all remained level once they could be pushed no further. The notebook that Yuzu had once scrawled date plans in was no longer hidden behind them.
Her eyes moved over to the desk, where several more textbooks sat open, fluorescent sticky notes poking out from the pages with little comments made through studying. Even when they worked together, Mei had never known Yuzu to be so organised in her studies.
The guilt that had been lingering deep inside her grew stronger. Perhaps she had been the one holding Yuzu back while she fretted over her own selfish goals. She recalled the sincerity of her stepsister's words as she vowed to study hard so that they could enroll in the same college and soon, a not insignificant amount of pride seeped into those feelings of guilt. Her lips twitched but she held back the smile as she remembered how Yuzu could become unstoppable once she set her mind on something.
She stepped across to the vanity unit on the other side of the bookcase. The small stool had been tucked beneath the counter, upon which sat only a few tubes and bottles of various beauty products. It was hardly the typical arsenal of makeup that Yuzu would meticulously apply to herself every morning, often while chatting enthusiastically about whatever was on her mind.
Next, she pivoted on one foot and looked towards the hulking double bed, a testament to their mother's penchant for excess. Even with two people lying on it, there would still be a great mass of open space on the soft mattress and yet, there was but a solitary pillow on the left side of the bed, closest to the window.
Does she sleep like this every night?
Yuzu was always a writhing mass of slender limbs when she rested and yet she had seemingly kept to what had been her half of the bed even in the months that she had the whole thing to herself. The guilt grew larger again.
Everywhere she looked, she found herself instinctively summoning those precious memories from when every day brought with it so much fun and adventure. Now, that happiness had been replaced almost completely by a dangerous cocktail of pain and shame. Mei found herself in sudden need of a shower, if only to temporarily remove herself from that room.
Mei soon found herself trying to find ways to extend her time spent bathing, feeling quietly jealous of how mother and Yuzu would so often occupy the bathroom for hours on end. It was no use though; She could not bring herself to waste the water. She quickly found herself drying off with a towel before putting on her nightwear and stepping back into her slippers.
A lazy yawn soon crept up on Mei, gently reminding her that it had indeed been a tiring day. Of this, she was certain that she was partially to blame, having refused the offers of grandfather's maids to help her pack her belongings. The man himself had said very little to her since she had informed him of her intentions and in some ways, that was worse than the scolding she had been expected to receive. He seemed weary, perhaps exasperated by his troublesome son and granddaughter.
She then returned to the bedroom and briskly set about preparing for bed, reasoning that the memories surrounding her might be more bearable if it was too dark to see anything.
It was still not completely dark outside as the final flames of the sun burned defiantly over the horizon, prompting Mei to glance at the teddy bear-themed clock that sat above the large double bed. The small hand lingered around 4 o'clock and it was then that she realised that the second hand was not moving. Yuzu had likely not bothered to replace the batteries as she always preferred to use the alarm on her phone anyway. After a few failed attempts to locate it, Mei set the alarm on her own seldom-used phone too, resolving to get the alarm clock working again as soon as possible. Even if it was broken, mother would surely know how to fix it.
After retrieving a pillow, Mei paced back to the bed and pulled back the covers. Just as she was about to lie down, she caught a faint whiff of a familiar fragrance. Yuzu regularly changed her perfumes and Mei had felt a small amount of pride of having committed them all to her memory. The bed suddenly no longer felt comfortable, as though she were disturbing something that should be left alone.
With a sigh, Mei walked back to the cupboard where she had found the pillow and unrolled a futon across the floor next to the bed.
The padding of the futon offered only limited protection from the hard floor and did not lie completely flat on account of having been rolled up and stowed away in the cupboard for an indeterminate period of time. Still, Mei found it far more comfortable than the bed that towered beside her, blocking out whatever remained of the rays of the sun, hastening the arrival of the nighttime darkness that she had been seeking.
Sleep did not come quickly. Yuzu would not stay away from home forever and Mei had planned to resume attending school every day. There was little use in running away, as much as the voice in the back of her mind tried to coax her back to Grandfather's home. She needed to speak to Yuzu; She owed her at least that much. For Mei, there was nothing she desired more than a return to normality and normality could only be found here, with Yuzu at her side. It was more than she felt she deserved but she had gotten a taste of the alternative and knew that she had to at least try.
Tomorrow was sure to be another tiring day.
Eclipse
Harumi Taniguchi took her stealth gyaru lifestyle to heart. Scattered about her room were new pop and hip-hop CDs, makeup bags and racks of flashy clothes for every occasion. To the uninformed observer, the disarray was emblematic of an ill-disciplined teen but Yuzu knew better: Almost everything that Harumin had pulled from her closet could just as easily be stowed back in there, her whole lifestyle hidden away behind a thin screen door, the room as neat and tidy as one would expect from a student of the illustrious Aihara Academy.
Still, Yuzu could not even begin to guess how the leopard print screen that Harumin had bought in Harajaku managed to not look out of place in her friend's traditional room, or any other room for that matter.
She had been with her when her friend had proudly carried it back, holding it under her arm, at the end of a relatively uneventful shopping day. She would stop every now and then and set it straight on the ground to look at it in mute admiration, perhaps believing it would go well with the dark green panels of her room and the similarly-coloured tatami flooring.
The screen had been placed in the middle of the room, obscuring Harumin's closet and the girl herself as she changed clothes behind it. It was supposed to be an exercise in finding unneeded clothes to throw away but it had gone poorly so far. The lack of closet space was a gyaru true enemy. Sometimes it was necessary to part with things, if only to make room for new ones, but asking Harumin to part with her clothes was akin to asking a singer to part with their tongue.
They had been going through the closet for more than a hour, perhaps almost two; Yuzu could not determine the passing of time very well these days as she would often get lost in her thoughts, time slowing down and speeding up considerably as she pondered all sorts of questions.
Regardless, Harumin seemed to be taking her sweet time with her current change which lead Yuzu to gaze at her slice of cake with predatory eyes. The culinary beauty had been placed on a blue square plate, waves of cream covering the golden dough and a huge strawberry sitting at the end of the slice completed the oeuvre.
The books piled on the low lying table had remained firmly shut as they chatted, Harumin providing the lion's share of the talking as she discussed various clothing combinations. Yuzu had prepared a study schedule for the occasion as to prevent their time together to turn into a pure leisurely affair but she could not bring herself to push the issue. If she were to be honest though, she was willingly procrastinating as the fun activities prevented her mind from drifting to complicated issues.
"Hey, Harumin…" Yuzu called, straightening her loose lotus position before leaning over to take the small silver spoon, sitting beside her cake. "Mind if I start?" She asked, twirling the spoon between deft fingers. The question was a rhetorical one but she would not start without an answer. Any answer.
"Sure! What are you waiting for, anyway? Dig in!" Her reply became muffled halfway and Yuzu pictured Harumin getting stuck always into a shirt. She attempted to smile at the thought and finally broke the spongy surface with her spoon.
"Mmmm" She hummed with pleasure, taking the time to slowly chew her latest masterpiece. It was made of waffles stacked onto each other and mixed with cookie crumbs. The rich texture was complemented perfectly by abundant layers of cream. It was beyond delicious.
Mei would like it.
Shock, a shot of electricity running through her. She swallowed hastily, reaching for her cup of green tea while desperately fighting to shut her mind: pink lips, purple eyes, long lashes, blushing cheeks, strict brow, hair so dark and skin so soft.
For as much as she tried to barricade herself, her thoughts would always find their way back to her. As the tea went through her suddenly constricted throat, Yuzu broke into a coughing fit. She tried to dispel it by slightly tapping her chest with her fist while Harumin's concerned voice rung in her ears. Once her breathing resumed its regular pattern, she wasted no time in flashing a awkward smile in Harumin's direction as her friend emerged from behind the screen.
"I forgot to chew, hehe." She said attempting to look cute, rubbing her head in embarrassment.
"Don't scare me like that, Yuzucchi." Harumin wriggled a finger at her in a scolding fashion but all too soon her worried face was replaced by her photogenic one as she struck pose after pose, finally stopping to flash a peace sign with a hand resting flat on her jutted out hip, elbow forming a angle. She remained motionless, waiting for Yuzu's verdict.
"Mmmhmm." Yuzu hummed. "Okay, now stand like a normal person." She instructed, raising a finger much like a teacher would.
"Ouch!" Harumin protested, bringing both hands to her chest as if she had just been shot. Nonetheless, she grudgingly complied.
Yuzu ignored her friend's antics and proceed to attentively examine Harumin's outfit: A pair of skinny jeans paired with a white belt sporting a huge golden buckle and a satin blue coloured varsity jacket with white sleeves. It made for a very cute ensemble and she fully approved of it, until Harumin unzipped her jacket, revealing her shirt of choice. Yuzu narrowed her eyes. She was not even sure the garment could be called a shirt as it was a shapeless blue and white striped mess with a jagged neckline.
"The shirt has to go." Yuzu declared with certainty, crossing her arms on her chest and nodding once. There was no room for discussion there.
"I knew it!" Harumin was quick to agree, which did not surprise Yuzu as her friend held her fashion sense in high regard.
"How did it end in my bag?" Harumin pondered out loud, rubbing her chin in thinking fashion. She took hold of the hem of her shirt and stretched it outward to look at it disapprovingly, her trim waist visible as she tugged at the garment.
"Terrible things happen when I go shopping alone, Yuzucchi!" She protested in mock desperation, putting both hands in her hair to enhance the drama, showing Yuzu the rare sight of her hairline.
"Sorry, sorry!" Yuzu grimaced, rubbing the back of her head. She felt quite sympathetic toward her friends as going shopping alone was not as pleasant as the alternative.
"...I have a lot to study and I'm quite slow." She continued with a shrug, before scooping another spoonful of cake into her mouth.
She had to keep herself engaged, hold her senses captive as she could not slip in front of Harumin. It would not be fair to spill her sadness into her friend's life.
"Well..." Harumin took off her varsity jacket, dropping it on the small mountain of clothes that had formed by her side with little care. She joined Yuzu at the low-lying table and let herself fall on the tatami with little grace.
"I can't really complain as it was for a good cause, Miss Top 50." She winked at Yuzu and gave her a thumb up gesture before flashing her a brilliant smile.
Yuzu felt a veil of heat spread under her cheeks and she focused her eyes on the table, waiting for her blush to subside. Being a top student was not something she would ever get used to, yet she could not deny the warmth feeling of pride that flooded her chest whenever her Mama praised her for her high grades.
"That's amazing!"
She almost jumped as Harumin yelped her appreciation for her cake. She watched her friend with wide eyes as she voraciously consumed spoonful after spoonful, until half of her portion was gone. She hummed in bliss before flashing Yuzu a victory sign.
"You have to give the recipe to sis!" She declared after swallowing yet another spoonful, her lips flecked with bits of cream.
"Huh?" Surely, she had not heard correctly.
"She joined a baking class with Maruta-senpai!" Harumin explained with a shrug, acting as if there was nothing bizarre about the situation.
It had probably been Maruta's idea; Yuzu could hardly imagine the oldest Taniguchi sibling wearing an apron but then again, people were full of surprises. The apron wearing Taniguchi-san in her mind dissolved as her phone chimed with a message alert.
She felt herself going frantic at the sound but tried to dissimulate her struggle, even though Harumi's eyes could hardly be fooled. Her heart thundered in her chest and a sudden chill set itself upon her back. It could be her Mama texting, perhaps asking her to come home; Maybe there had been an emergency, maybe Mei had changed her mind.
When she had informed her that she was going to spend the night at Harumin's, her mother had not questioned her, she had simply offered her a soft smile and a nod. Her sweet understanding had prompted Yuzu to tell her that they had a test tomorrow and she and Harumin needed to prepare for it.
She had been begging her mobile to remain silent today and had spent the last hours dreading this very moment, so much so, that she did not dare to lower her eyes to the table where her mobile was. Harumin was not one to pry and she would ask no questions if Yuzu where to shut her phone off without looking at it.
"Don't read it!" The stalemate was broken by Harumin's urgent voice. She sounded highly alarmed as well.
Her reaction prompted Yuzu to look at last. She was flooded with relief at once and let out a small giggle. The name flashing on the flat screen of her phone was Matsuri's.
"She wants to know if I'm here." Yuzu announced to the room, receiving a groan in response.
"Tell her that you're in Shibuya!" From under her fringe, Harumin was pouting pitifully, much like a puppy would.
"...Please, Yuzucchi!" She pleaded, clasping her hands in front of her. "Sis looked like she was about to explode the last time Matsuri was here."
By this point, Harumin sounded as if she was talking of a matter of national security, which was not too wide of the mark.
"Alright." Yuzu was quick to agree, it was better to keep Matsuri away from Harumin's older sister. The two caught fire way too easily in each other's presence.
Besides, Yuzu was too frail today. She could not withstand Matsuri's sharp inquisitive eyes, nor the veiled implications laced to some of her words. Once the text was sent, she eyed the books resting on the table meaningfully, prompting Harumin to curl into a ball on the floor, pleading for mercy since their next test was two weeks away.
However, no amount of pleading was able to sway Yuzu and soon enough, a pouting Harumin had to concede. Once the decision was made, Yuzu was treated with the amazing spectacle that was Harumin tidying up her room. For once, she trusted Yuzu to help her and allowed her to fold the garments that she had been trying on.
As instructed, Yuzu made them as small as possible, folding them with a precision usually only employed in the art of origami. Such meticulousness was necessary as Harumin had engineered her room to completely conceal her gyaru-self and each and every one of her clothes had to occupy a designated place in her closet for the vanishing act to be possible.
It did not take them long to complete the task and all too soon, Harumin's room went back to its traditional look, leaving the pair sitting at the classic low-lying table, books open all around them.
The cake was long gone; All that remained were the cups of green tea and the dark teapot sitting on a warmer made of iron and bamboo. They looked like the very picture of diligent students.
Harumin, now in a perfect seiza position, sipped at her tea elegantly, holding it in one hand while the other supported the bottom of the cup. Yuzu lifted a doubtful eyebrow at the sight, on any other day she would have giggled at her friend's antics or would have joined her in the play.
"Aihara-san…" Harumin started in a high-pitched and haughty tone before a snort forced her to drop the act.
"I can't do it." She broke into a smile and placed the cup on its coaster before rearranging herself in a more comfortable cross-legged position. After that, to Yuzu's great relief, she reached for her pen and notebook.
Yuzu had to regretfully admit that studying had been a mistake. The flaw in her plan was revealed immediately as even hearing the soft scribbling of Harumin's pen clenched her throat painfully. She had grown accustomed to studying by herself during the last few months and the current situation brought memories to the surface, memories she did not know how to deal with.
She tried to focus on reading the text in front of her but all she saw was Mei sitting beside her and as was always the case, her eyes lingered on the slender slope of her elegant neck as Mei leaned forward to write her notes. Yuzu was under siege and soon lost herself to the past as Mei pushed back a capricious lock of dark hair behind her ear, revealing the soft paleness of her smooth cheek.
"I got you!" Harumin thundered without warning, causing Yuzu to jump, hands raising to grab a handful of her own shirt.
""Wh-" She gasped, finding herself almost face to face with Harumin as her friend had leaned across the table.
"You're spacing out, Yuzucchi!" Her friend flashed her a victorious grin, wiggling her eyebrows gleefully and Yuzu finally took notice of the fact that Harumin's hand was splayed over her schoolbook obscuring the text.
"Sorry, I..." She said, feeling a terrible cold seep into her heart. She concentrated on her breathing and returned her attention to the book as soon as Harumin freed it. Silence stretched for a few long moments as the scribbling of Yuzu's pen became the only sound.
"Hey, Yuzucchi." She lifted her eyes from the book to look at her friend; She was smiling delicately but Yuzu did not miss the hint of concern eyes.
"What's on your mind?" Harumin asked at last, propping one elbow on the table to rest her chin in the cradle of her hand.
"I don't know." She paused to rub her face with one hand before continuing in a rather small voice. "I guess it's all pretty hectic at the moment. I'm probably just tired."
She spoke no lie as the confusion in her head was irrefutable. She had been in the throes of anxiety for the last few days, afflicted by questions that might have no answer. And scared. She had been so very scared. Her fear had reached its apex this morning, forcing her to hide at Harumin's and delay her meeting with Mei.
What if I can never face her?
On top of that, the lack of sleep she had been suffering through had added dull bouts of headaches to her tiredness.
"Well…" Harumin smiled kindly before continuing in her most reassuring voice. "I'm sure that it will get better soon."
Her light brown eyes were warm with understanding and she might have figured the source of Yuzu's anxiety as well but she was not one to press for answers. It was a very comforting quality of hers, one that never failed to put Yuzu at ease as if she were to be forced to play at a rhythm that was not her own, she might just shatter.
"...yeah." She replied lamely, forcing herself to smile. Her lips refused to curl in spite of her best efforts. Regardless, she knew that Harumin did not mind.
Yuzu never used to have trouble with sleeping. As a matter of fact, she used to fall asleep the moment her head touched the pillow, a trait that she shared with her Mama. Then she met Mei and everything changed. A skilled thief, Mei stole her sleep by stealing her first kiss and then she proceeded to take her heart as well.
So there she lay, unable to sleep and still missing a heart.
By her side, Harumin slept soundly in her own futon. Yuzu could make out the outline of her silhouette, her chest falling and rising as she breathed evenly. She had only recently discovered what a peculiar kind of sleeper Harumin was; She would alternate between extremely peaceful bouts of sleep and incredibly agitated ones. The latter would have her sleep-talk and gesticulate as if in the middle of very passionate conversation.
She seemed to have calmed down, for the moment at least. Not too long ago, Yuzu had clearly heard her mumble the words "Matsuri", "sis" and "frog" at least three times each. She had no desire of ever finding out what her friend had been dreaming about.
In the past, Yuzu had simply slept through her friend's antics but things were different now and she had been staring at the dark ceiling for what seemed like an eternity, too fearful to check the actual time on her phone. She did not wish to know how long she had spent thinking about Mei.
It was already difficult to keep Mei out of her mind during the day but once darkness fell, she could only declare utter defeat. There was no point in chasing Mei out of her mind, not anymore. They were going to live under the same roof again. Even more so, they were going to share the same room and sleep in the same bed. Anxiety shot through Yuzu at the thought and she found herself struggling to keep her breathe evenly.
There was however a bout of happiness mixed in with the fear and anxiety. She had tried to silence it with reason; Mei's actions made little sense to her and trying to decipher them while driven by hope could lead to even more pain.
She huffed into the darkness before taking a deep breath, filling her lungs with air and releasing it with a long exhale. One breath. Two breaths. Three breaths. She had to fall asleep.
Her mind had different plans thought. Yuzu found herself returning to that memory once again, as she so often did during those late hours. She had just returned home from school and was thinking about what Mei and Mama might like for dinner. Then, she found the notebook that she and Mei had shared resting on her pillow and excitedly opened it, hoping to find a cute date idea or maybe even a love letter.
The kiss they had shared that final morning had been a simple one; it hardly seemed like a special memory to be cherished at the time. Mei seemed distant, perhaps more so than usual but not enough to cause alarm. Yuzu rolled over, covering her eyes as they began to well up. Were the warning signs there? Was there something she could have done differently? Had she truly just been getting in Mei's way?
Her trembling chin and the sudden constriction in her throat betrayed her true feelings; the impossibility to deceive herself lead her to feel ensnared and all too soon the light duvet covering her body became suffocating. She decided that it would be safer to leave her futon as she had been holding back her anguish for far too long and it seemed to have finally caught up with her. The sobs that she held captive in her chest were pushing to break free and she could not risk waking Harumin up. Even Harumin would not remain silent if she saw her crying.
She slid out of the futon easily, taking a sideways motion that left the covers untouched, and set to navigate through the semi-darkness with the aid of her phone. The balcony was her destination. She was feeling terribly hot all of a sudden and even better, the balcony was on the other side of the room. If she were to cry, that would be the best spot.
She crawled her way around the low lying table, the tatami covering the floor made for a soft yet scratchy surface against her bare feet, allowing her to move around soundlessly. Finally, a loud thud broke the precariously maintained silence when her foot kicked the table inadvertently and she darted her eyes toward Harumin's form in alarm. A long moment passed and Yuzu only released the breath that she had been holding once it appeared clear that the slumbering Taniguchi had not been disturbed.
On a whim, she pulled up the hood of her pajama top, perhaps in a senseless bid to be more discrete before she resumed her journey toward the balcony.
Once she reached the heavily decorated curtains, she carefully lifted a side of them and slipped inside to sit with her side against the cool glass of the balcony window. She brought her knees to her chest and hugged them tightly with her arms, wishing to become as small as possible. A chill, that had nothing to do with the temperature, seized her while she wiped at her eyes in stilted annoyance. Why was she even crying?
The answer to such question could not be confined to a single reason. It was not that simple, as was always the case when Mei was involved. A wet chuckle escaped her lips at the thought, she did not resent it as it seemed fitting to laugh at her predicament, as fitting as tasting the saltiness of her tears on smiling lips.
Mei was coming home. No, Mei was at home.
The thought caused her a sudden moment of dizziness and she clutched at her ring without meaning to. Her hold was a desperate one and soon enough, the metal band bit its circular shape into her skin. She sighed, relaxing her hand, knowing that if she were to look, she would find a slightly rouge circle on her palm, like a love bite.
Shaking her head as if to clear her mind, she proceeded to unclasp the chain around her neck, freeing the ring from it for the first time since the day Mei left. She held the band in front of her with suddenly trembling fingers and the pain that had taken permanent residence in her chest sharpened at the sight, growing spikes that pierced her heart.
Why did you accept the ring, Mei? She wondered, looking through the empty circle.
A surge of bitterness darkened her mind at the question because even then Mei must have had at least an inkling. She must have known what her Grandfather had planned and what accepting her love meant.
She blinked furiously in a vain attempt to hold her tears back. However when the droplets fell, it was not because of bitterness. Bitterness had been swept away in less than a heartbeat by the memory of putting the ring on Mei's finger.
She had found herself in the combined grip of nervousness and euphoria while her thundering heart pounded loudly in her head and made her felt dizzy. She had had to focus on her every move as the trembling within her limbs threatened to steal her motor skills at any second.
There had been only happiness then. Only Mei.
A shudder in her shoulders and the constriction in her throat was released in the quivering of her chin. She clutched at her ring again with merciless intensity. Still, there was no escape as the moment her eyes closed, she went back to Mei.
They were in the middle of a road painted by the rich colors of autumn, on their way home. Then, without warning, Mei had stopped, calling for her attention and stubbornly willing herself to speak her love for her. She had appeared so frail then, almost breaking in her efforts to declare herself. She had to stop her on the spot as no love confession should be so stressful. Moreover, there was no rush as she was going to stay by Mei's side forever. That was what she had thought.
A smile, feeble and melancholic, found its way on Yuzu's lips then. A suspicion had been pulling at her mind as of late, one that was as sweet as it was sorrowful and contemplated the possibility that their time together had been the only freedom that Mei had ever conceded herself.
Yet, as glad as she was about having being part of Mei's brief season of happiness, she could not say how she felt about her now. That was a lie though and Yuzu knew it. There was not denying her feelings for Mei as even now her love persisted. She expected it would remain that way until the end of her days.
As indisputable as such fact was, the crux of the matter was a far more complex one and acknowledging the truth of her feelings only complicated it further. She was in pieces at the moment and no matter how many shards of her felt a particular way, there were just as many that felt differently.
A sudden itch led her to scratch her nose and she followed the action by rubbing her face energetically, perhaps if she rubbed long enough the fog in her mind would clear as well. Somehow, her senseless ploy yielded her a measure of clarity and she realized what her first step had to be.
She had to put herself together, stitch herself together, glue herself together even!
A determined look crossed her face at the thought, it lasted but a moment but it led her to swipe her hood back in a single swift movement that left her staring at her own reflection. The image was neither sharp nor limpid as the glass was unlike any mirror, however the lack of accuracy and the ephemeral transparency of it made it a far more fitting rendition of how she felt at the moment.
If she wanted to put herself together, she had to face Mei.
As soon as possible! Her mind dictated her goal, yielding no room for compromise.
Excitement, fear, resolution, anxiety, uncertainty, euphoria; From one beat of her heart to the next, she went from one emotion to the other, losing any lingering sense of unity in the whirlwind of feelings.
She had to face her. Her mind reiterated, stubbornly wishing to steel her resolve.
After nodding to her watery reflection, Yuzu took the deepest of breaths, filling her lungs with air and the rest of her with determination. She released both in a long sigh that seemed never-ending.
"Mmm." A thoughtful hum led her to clumsily wipe her tear-streaked face with one sleeve of her hoodie. She relaxed then and leaned back to rest her forearms on her bent knees and to thread her fingers together.
She thought it wiser to avoid thinking too deeply about the fact that somehow, at some point, between taking it off the chain and clutching at it, her finger had slipped into her ring. The feeling of the metal circling her skin like shackles quickened her heartbeat in a way that was painfully familiar.
Another sigh, another contradiction within her heart and she tilted her head back to stare at the sky. Her eyes were immediately captured by the full Moon and she found herself staring at her pale glow in mute admiration. No matter how beautiful she was, she must surely feel lonely in the starless sky of Tokyo.