I Just Wanted You to Know

by TwistedOwl

"She playing music in the foundry again, she has been doing that a lot lately... There has been more than one time when I'm in the middle of my work out and I find myself thinking, assuming, wishing and praying that she was trying to tell me something with the songs she plays."

Author's Note: I decided to put my insomnia to some good use and write a one-shot. I've always wanted to do a song based story, but there are so many perfect songs for these two I decided to cheat and use my absolute favorites through out the tale and see what I could come up with and this is what I got. The song list will be at the bottom and I hope you enjoy.

Disclaimer: The plot is mine and nothing else

She playing music in the foundry again, she has been doing that a lot lately. Before the Undertaking she never did. She would sit at her computers, look up all the information that I asked her for and that would be it, but it's different now. Since she and John brought me back from the island after I ran, she is always playing music and they seem to be the same hundred songs or so.

At first I could drown them out and focus on the task at hand (whatever it might be), but slowly they became more and more difficult to ignore and now I can't block them out at all and I know every word to each of them.

Right after the Doll Maker case is when I actually started listening to them. They all have the same concept basically, they're all about love and understanding. I really hate that I can't block them out anymore, but what I hate more is what they have made me think on.

Since I walked into Felicity Smoak's office I knew that there was no forgetting her... I couldn't un-ring that bell if I wanted to. The light and the warmth that she gives off can't be over looked by anyone no matter how cold they are, I mean even ice queen Isabel Rochev sees it. I've given her and John a million different reasons why I kept going back to her when I needed help; I knew I could trust her, because she's brilliant, and no matter how bad my lies were she always helped... And that's all true, those were some of the reasons I always went to her and her alone, but there was also this small part of me just wanted to see the light and feel the warmth. I've killed more people than I can honestly count, I came back to Starling City to help it and try to make amends for the terrible things I have done, but being around Felicity made the burden seem lighter even it was for just a moment. And at times when everything seemed dark and empty , I craved that moment.

Ah, Isabel Rochev, the counter part to my fuck up that left Felicity without color for over a week. After we returned from Russia and Felicity told me she thinks I deserve better she walked away and went home after delivering the file. For the next week at the office and down in the foundry she wore nothing colorful and vibrant. She wore simple black and white dresses and I finally understood what Felicity meant when she said things would hurt her soul because mine felt like it was being branded over and over again. She looked like she was in mourning and I would have crawled through hot coals to bring the color back. Even though there was no color the music was still heard all through the foundry.

There has been more than one time when I'm in the middle of my work out and I find myself thinking, assuming, wishing and praying that she was trying to tell me something with the songs she plays. But I've mastered hiding my emotions and I hope she can't see through it.

There's a song that says, "I wanna hold you high and steal your pain."

Another that says, "How can I stand here with you and not be moved by you?"

Another one that always stands out has a line that says, "In my perfect world you're happy with me."

One that says, "I don't want the world to see me 'cause I don't think that they'll understand. When everything is made to be broken I just want you to know who I am."

I'll sing the words in my head and then imagine telling her that I do see who she is. I see it all; every lip bite and nose scrunch, but I never make it real. I told her that because of the life I live I know I shouldn't be with someone I could care about and I still stand by that. The only flaw to that whole theory is that despite the fact I'm not with her I still care for her and I know she's my weakness.

When the color finally came back I felt the pain in my chest lesson and then she was taken by The Count and the pain returned ten fold. Watching him touch her was the worst kind of torture I have ever had to endure. He held the gun to her head and I pointed an arrow at him and despite all the fear I could see on her face she still told me no, not for her. She would have chosen death then have me break my vow not to kill. I dropped the arrow, more than willing to die in her stead and when he raised those needles to her neck I pulled an arrow from my quiver, nocked it and released it before I even thought about it and then I did it again and again.

I killed for her and I would do it again if I have to... It'll always be her. For a long time I thought it was suppose to be Laurel, but it's not. Never was, it's Felicity. When I saw her that she was taking a liking to Barry Allen it was almost to much, even for me. The rage I felt was completely inspired by jealousy and I shocked even myself. I still can't think about it without the primal animalistic side of myself wanting to inflict sever damage on someone or something while growling. I know I had no right to feel that way, but damn it she's mine or at least she will be one day. One day when I'm no longer the Arrow and my family doesn't has a bulls eye on it back and then I will finally make her mine.

I'm still standing at the door watching her, she's singing along with one of the songs and I just want to watch her for just a couple moments and the fact that it's one of my more favorite songs doesn't go unnoticed by me either, "Here's to the nights we felt alive. Here's to the tears you know you'd cry. Here's to goodbye, tomorrow gonna come to soon. All my time is froze in motion, can't I stay an hour or two or more? Don't let me let you go."

I can feel her warmth from the top of the stairs and I decided now is a perfect time to let the door close and announce my arrival. She instantly stopped singing like I knew she would. We exchange pleasantries and she gets back to work on her computers while I stretch for my workout I study her. She's in her red dress that hugs her body just right that I take a moment to picture my hands running down her sides over the bright red. I quickly turn from her and start on my salmon ladder with the single goal to get the images of her underneath me out of my head. But if there is anything I've learned these past few months, it's that no matter how hard I work out the images won't vanish and yet I still try... Isn't that the definition of insanity? Doing the same exact thing over and over again and expect different results.

She starts humming to herself and it surprises me enough that I almost lose my grip on the steel rob. She only hums for a moment before she comes and stands by me while she tells me of a gala that I was invited to that is to take place the night after next. She tells me that it's plus one and I need to find a date. She continues to list name after name of prospects for me and as the list continues it doesn't escape me that her name hasn't been mentioned.

I let go of the steel rod and fall to the ground landing flawlessly. When I question why she hasn't mentioned herself, she responds by telling me that she figured it would look better if I showed up with a super model and not my girl Friday. I do my best to hide it, but I'm completely floored by the way she refers to herself. She might be my "girl Friday" but that is not how I see her. When I hired her to be my assistant I used it as an excuse, told her I couldn't travel down eighteen floors when I needed to talk to her about "arrowy stuff" (at least that's what she calls it) and yes that is true, but the main reason I made her my assistant is the exact same reason I always went back to her for help... I crave that moment when I don't feel completely weighted down by five years of misery and a life time of mistakes.

I tell her that I'm going to take her then walk out of the room before she can reply and for the remainder of the night the last bit of music I heard before leaving the room is playing on a loop inside my head, "I can't be home tonight, I'll make it back it's alright. No one could ever love me half as good as you! You can't be strong tonight, love makes you sad it's alright. No one could ever worry half as good as you!"

I haven't seen her since last night in the foundry. I purposely stayed away from the office all day today. I do this to myself a couple times a month. I spend a day away from her with the feeble ambition to organize my thoughts, but like I said the attempt is feeble at best.

When I walk onto the foundry I'm greeted be the familiar sounds of her music and a line that hits the spot in my chest that is strictly reserved for Felicity, "There may have been a time when I would let you slip away... I wouldn't even try, but I think you saved my life!" I then catch the door before it closes and walk out of the room, sending Felicity and John each a text saying they can take the night off.

The next time I see her is when I pick her up at her door for the gala. She's wearing a deep green gown with one open shoulder and she looks breath taking. I take care to tell her how beautiful I think she looks . She offers me a small smile and then looks to the carpet under our feet. I guide her to the car and she climbs in back of the limo with me. The car is a comfortable silence, well on my end anyway. She babbles on and on and without a doubt it's the most endearing thing she's done this week and for the life of me I can't remember a thing she said. She makes me smile and not the fake playboy smile, no, these are the genuine smiles that I feel reach my eyes. Since the day I met her, they seem to all be reserved for her and her babbling.

When we reach the gala I get out of the car first and offer her my hand. She doesn't hide her hesitation about taking it, but she does anyways and it gives me such a feeling of happiness that it almost doesn't seem real. After she climbs from the car I take the hand that is safely wrapped in mine and tuck it threw my arm. When we enter the room she pulls her hand from me and the idea of not having some sort of a physical contact with her doesn't sit right with me at all. So to rectify the absence of her warmth that I'm currently missing I place my hand at the base of her spine right above the perfect swell of her lower back side.

As the night drags on, she gives up on trying to refrain physical contact with me and accepts my hand at the base of her spine or softly wrapped around hers. I can feel myself become worrisome as the night continues because I have set up a way to tell her how I real about her without actually saying a word. Words and I have never been the best of friends, they always seem to fail me when it's important so I took a page from her book and decided to use someone else's.

I look toward the conductor of the small band that has been playing music for the gala attendees all night and he gives me a nod. I remove the flute of champagne from Felicity's hand and lead her to the dance floor that only has a couple occupants.

I watch her cheeks go completely red before she looks to our feet, "I'm not much of a dancer."

"I was required to learn how to dance when I was younger, trust me... I won't let you embarrass yourself," I reply using my index finger to raise her chin so her eyes meet mine.

"Don't you mean you won't let me embarrass you?"

I don't let her see how her word effect me and simply shake my head, "You're in my arms, no matter what happens next whether you trip or stab me in the foot with one of your shoes you won't embarrass me at all."

She gives me a slight smile, "I'm going to hold you to that."

I smile back at her a say, "Please do."

The music starts up and the shine in her eyes tell me she recognizes the song right away even before the lyrics calmly fills the room:

Yesterday I died, tomorrow's bleeding.
Fall into your sunlight.
The future's open wide, beyond believing.
To know why, hope dies.
Losing what was found, a world so hollow.
Suspended in a compromise.
The silence of this sound, is soon to follow.
Somehow, sundown.

And finding answers.
Is forgetting all of the questions we called home.
Passing the graves of the unknown.

As reason clouds my eyes, with splendor fading.
Illusions of the sunlight.
And a reflection of a lie, will keep me waiting.
With love gone, for so long.

And this day's ending.
Is the proof of time killing, all the faith I know.
Knowing that faith, is all I hold.

And I've lost who I am, and I can't understand.
Why my heart is so broken, rejecting your love, without, love gone wrong, lifeless words carry on.
But I know, all I know, is that the end's beginning.
Who I am from the start, take me home to my heart.
Let me go and I will run, I will not be silent.
All this time spent in vain, wasted years, wasted gain.
All is lost, hope remains, and this war's not over.
There's a light, there's the sun, taking all shattered ones.
To the place we belong, and his love will conquer all.

And I've lost who I am, and I can't understand.
Why my heart is so broken, rejecting your love, without, love gone wrong, lifeless words carry on.
But I know, all I know, is that the end's beginning.
Who I am from the start, take me home to my heart.
Let me go and I will run, I will not be silent.
All this time spent in vain, wasted years, wasted gain.
All is lost, hope remains, and this war's not over.
There's a light, there's the sun, taking all shattered ones.
To the place we belong, and his love will conquer all.

Yesterday I died, tomorrow's bleeding.
Fall into your sunlight.

As the song progressed I pulled Felicity closer and closer to me until almost every part of us was touching. When the song came to its end she pulled herself from me just far enough to look me in the eyes.

I can see tears desperate to fall from her eyes and I close the space between us again, but this time just the space between her lips from my own. I as much as I want to take advantage of finally feeling her lips on mine, I keep it chaste and simple.

I pull away from her lips then I rest my forehead against hers and say, "I just wanted you to know."

I watch a single tear escape down her cheek right before she asks, "Know what exactly?"

I take a deep breath and close my eyes so I don't have to watch the rejection that might show in her perfect blue/grey eyes. "I wanted you to know that you're the only source of light in my very dark life. That your warmth and compassion makes the memories I hold from the island seem less harsh and more forgiving. That you make me want to strive to be better than who I am. But importantly I wanted you to know that not being with you hurts me more than you might assume it does. I fake indifference because I can't stand the idea of something happening to you because of me whether it be Oliver Queen or Arrow related."

She takes half a step back and I give into the desire to look at her and open my eyes. She study's my face for a moment and then grabs my hand and pulls my from the dance floor and out to the terrace. She releases my hand to close the door behind us and as she makes her way back to me she looks to make sure we're alone.

Right before I open my mouth to speak to her she quickly closes the distance between us and slams her lips down on mine. This kiss is everything I wanted the last one to be. There is so much going into it and I can feel it all. The understanding, the compassion, the acceptance and most importantly, the love.

She moans against my lips and I decide that it's best to pull away from her before the last sliver of self control I still have is gone. She then mirrors my moves from inside the gala and rests her forehead against mine and closes her eyes.

For a long while the only things I hear is her breathing and my heart beat. The silence that surrounds us is finally interrupted when Felicity says, "I just wanted you to know too."

I turn I then copy her and say, "Know what exactly?"

"That I can't quit you and I won't ever want too. If it takes a week or a decade I'll always be here for you. I also wanted you to know that I love you and even though you're not mine, you're the best part of me."

I pull away from her and when she opens her eyes I say, "I am yours and you're without a doubt the best thing that has ever happened to me."

She stops breathing for a moment and for a second I swear I can hear her heart beat in perfect rhythm as mine. Our lips meet halfway and for the first time in a longer time than I care to remember, I finally feel like I'm home.

Song list

Broken- Seether featuring Amy Lee

Everything- Lighthouse

Feel Me- Mecca Kalani

Iris- Goo Goo Dolls

Here's to the Nights- Eve 6

When Angels Fly Away- Cold

What Do You Want From Me?- Grant Scott

Shattered- Trading Yesterday