To Have and to Hold
The cold hallways of Winterfell warmed significantly the moment Brienne gave herself over to Jamie. Months and even years had built up to the moment they finally consummated their love and although it was slightly strange and a good amount of liquid courage was required at first, they quickly found comfort in the arms of one another. Nights were spent making love, sleeping, and then making love some more at first mornings light. They both then went about their days, starting with breakfast and then pitching in where needed around the castle, helping to rebuild areas that were ruined during the Great War, occasionally meeting for a mid-afternoon rendezvous in the high watch tower. They had been at it like rabbits attempting every position in the Dornish Book of Sutra discovering the ones which were the most pleasurable for them. It quickly became an addiction the minute the sun went down to imagine the nights escapades. After 21 days at Winterfell together Brienne was starting to feel at home in this large establishment. She was also beginning to envision a future with Jamie, one that perhaps included settling down after the battle for the seven kingdoms was over.
That was until Sansa shared with her the news of Queen Daenerys and her dragon as well as her dearest friend Missandei being killed by Cersei Lannister. That night they had made love standing up next to the fireplace. Brienne enjoyed the heat that bathed her backside when she wrapped one thigh around Jamie's hip as he thrust into her. Every thrust bringing her closer to climax she climbed the peak with him until they both folded into one another after the golden glow came. Intimately and physically they were closer than ever, but Brienne could sense Jamie's reluctance to talk when it was all over. He had gone to the window to gaze out at the horizon which pointed to the south. Brienne knew they needed to talk about his sister, but she did not think Jamie was ready to breach that complicated subject, or perhaps she wasn't. So instead she coaxed him back to bed with her and he followed to her relief, but only a few hours later he had left her without so much as a goodbye. When she confronted him down by the stables, he nearly broke her heart.
Brienne watched him ride away the pits sinking in her stomach as she witnessed the man she loved leave her to go back to his sister of all people. She had believed so strongly that he had changed, that he wanted to be good, that their love had been enough for him to stay, but all of that shattered in a few short minutes after he confessed that he was a hateful person like his sister.
Brienne begged to differ. She had seen the man Jamie was capable of being and it was nothing like his mass murdering sister Cersei. Even if he did those horrible things, she believed redemption was possible after knowing Jamie and not just the smart mouthed toff but also his caring and honor bound side, the side that brought him here to Winterfell in the first place to fight amongst his enemies for the greater good, or for his mercy at Riverrun. He was a good man, even if he did not believe it himself.
Wiping her tears from her cheeks, Brienne refused to give him any more of her heart and she strode back into Winterfell. Jamie had made his choice.
Once securely inside the safety of the castle, Brienne closed her door, took off her robe, threw on a sleeping tunic and returned to bed. She could still smell him and feel his warm presence in the room and as hard as she tried to get rid of all traces, she could not stop thinking about him. His face and those sad and broken eyes piercing through her were burned into her memory. So she got dressed and left a letter for Lady Sansa as well as Podrick. She had hoped Podrick could look after the Lady of Winterfell in her stead but she had to see this through to the end. Even if Jamie no longer loved her, Brienne could not live with herself if she let him perish, so she grabbed her own horse from the stables and rode to Kingslanding.
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It took a little more than a fortnight to travel to Kingslanding by horse but when she arrived Brienne found the city in disarray. Buildings had been destroyed and there was so much death and destruction. She was right; this had been a war zone. She surveyed the streets for any signs of Jamie or Daenerys' soldiers but it was desolate. Brienne thought about sending a crow to Jamie's brother Tyrion because perhaps with his help they could be a force to be reckoned with but Brienne feared there was not enough time and there would be too many questions about Jamie's true intentions so she slipped into the shadows.
She had walked for miles, unsure if she would ever see Jamie again, exhausted and drained from the long journey, Brienne wondered if she had made a mistake travelling here by herself, when she spotted a child skulking about in a back alleyway. Brienne was never comfortable around children, but she felt the need to help what appeared to be a young girl, although the child was so dirty and wearing tatters of clothing her gender was almost unrecognizable.
"You there, where is your mother?" Brienne questioned and the little girl simply looked at her with big brown eyes.
"Do you have a home? Or someone who looks after you?" she questioned with still no response and then added, "Are you a mute?" But instead of looking at Brienne this time the girl turned to gaze into a dark corner and then she held out her hand palm facing upwards.
"Are you alright?" Brienne asked noting her odd behavior and then a figure emerged from the shadows. From the size and shape, it appeared to be a woman wearing a cloak with hood obscuring her identity, but when she spoke Brienne thought her voice sounded familiar.
"Fly away little bird," she said to the girl placing two gold coins in her palm and the child closed her hand and quickly ran off. Brienne realized this woman may be a threat so she quickly drew her sword but before she had a chance a second larger figure, even larger than she, emerged from the shadows. If she looked closely behind his helmet she thought his skin looked blue or purple.
"Bring her to the Red Keep," the woman spoke with a slight nod of her head. Brienne peered into her hood and thought she spotted a pair of green eyes flashing back in her direction, but before she could be sure, she felt a sharp pain course down the back of her head, her knees buckled, and then the world turned black.
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When Brienne awoke she was in bed, but it was not just any bed but clearly a royal bed. When she tried to sit up she felt pain again, this time her head was throbbing, and she discovered her hands and legs were also bound and her mouth gagged. She tried to roll around testing her bindings for any weakness, but as she feared, they were tight and secure.
"I wouldn't try to escape if I were you. Unless you want to be tried for treason and executed right here." It was the woman again, although this time she was not wearing a hood and Brienne could determine her identity as clear as day, it was Cersei Lannister.
Brienne sneered sharply, angry she was unable to reply because of the gag and Cersei smiled and approached the side of the bed.
"Would it make you suffer more to have me cut off your fingers one by one and then cut out your nose and ears, tongue, then eyes, or would you prefer to watch me kill my brother Jaime instead? I know he is here."
Brienne was unable to hide her eyes widening in fear at mention of Jamie's name and Cersei laughed. "My brother it is then."
She turned on her heel and moved away then stopped and looked over her shoulder, "You know I would never kill my own twin don't you?" She approached again and leaned in closer so that her breath was hot on Brienne's cheek. "My brother and I have a bond that you would never understand. We've been fucking since we were sixteen. If he had any passing fancy with a heifer like you it would merely be due to his morbid curiosity. He was always a bit fascinated by oddities, such as discovering a two headed toad when we were children, and a dog that had no legs and could only slink around like a filthy sack of dirty laundry scraping its balls in the dirt as it desperately tried to piss."
Brienne closed her eyes wishing she had her sword, but she was worried she would not be able to fight even if she could grab her sword because she was feeling incredibly dizzy. She couldn't understand why, wondering if they had already administered her poison because her body felt sore as well. Blinking she looked at Cersei who continued without a care for Brienne.
"When my brother arrives, I am going to welcome him home with open arms and open legs, right here on this bed. You see I am carrying Jamie's child, one of many children he has given me, and it would give me no greater pleasure than to have him fuck me over you." Cersei leaned in closer to whisper in Brienne's ear, "And trust me, he likes to fuck with an audience. Even better if they are dead," she hissed.
Brienne moved her head away in disgust.
Cersei stepped back and Brienne sat upright wanting to strangle her but Cersei's giant stepped in to remind Brienne of his presence. She was fairly confident that man was responsible for her head injury. Brienne felt dizzy again and she fell back angry that she had gotten herself into this situation. The big man stepped forward and Brienne feared these moments might be her last, especially when she saw the knife, but then she realized he was removing her gag.
"Is there anything you would like to say before we begin the torture?" Cersei asked. Brienne opened her mouth ready to tell Cersei she would never survive Daenerys and her army, when all of the sudden she felt a stirring in her stomach and then she vomited all over Cersei's gown.
Horrified Cersei stormed out and then Brienne fell asleep.
Sometime later Brienne was dreaming and heard a man's voice exclaim, "She may be with child."
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When Brienne woke for the second time, she was startled by a cold draft that tickled her skin. Sharp pains travelled through her wrists and ankles and when she opened her eyes she discovered she was completely naked, gagged once more, and had been chained to the wall. Horrified she immediately tried to break free, but the shackles were tight. She knew Cersei's intentions and if the mad queen had her way, Brienne would not leave this place alive. When Brienne peered into the darkness, what she saw sent chills down her spine. Facing her was a mechanism she had only heard about in legend, a dragon slayer used in warfare, and the sharp end of the spear was aimed towards her.
She knew she had to use her wits to get her out of this mess, unsure she would ever see Jamie again, Brienne imagined a plan, but as she was weighing her options in her mind, all of the sudden a large boom echoed outside and she felt the ground shake before her. Could it be, Queen Daenerys had breached the castle walls? Brienne dared to hope. Only in that moment, the doors to her chamber burst open with Cersei waltzing through. Brienne thought it best not to move until Cersei got closer than perhaps she could use her chains to strangle the woman.
Only she did not have the chance because she saw that Cersei was leading a man and that man was Jamie. Brienne's heart stopped and she waited on baited breath.
"You and you alone have the power to end this dear brother."
"And what would you have me do?" Jamie asked gruffly.
Cersei kissed him on his mouth and sat down on a table in front of him. She spread her legs wide, hiked up her skirt, and remarked, "Make love to me and I will surrender. I want to remember my last day in this castle with your cock deep inside of me."
Brienne suddenly felt quite ill again, only the gag in her mouth kept her from vomiting this time.
She waited to see if Jamie would obey his sister because if he did, she knew he was lost to her and she could die knowing there was nothing left for her in this world.
"Cersei, The mother of dragons is storming your castle as we speak. If you want to live, come with me."
"You heard me the first time. If you love me or ever loved me, you will oblige me my last request."
Jamie paused for a long minute unsure what to think. The romantic feelings he once had for his sister had dissolved long ago. But it was very likely she would die, or they both would die if they were discovered here. The last favor he would ever do for his black hearted sister was to get her out.
"Not here," he spat back sternly and pulled on her sleeve. They had to find another way out and he moved further into the chamber, wondering if there was a second exit when he spotted some movement out of the corner of his eye. Jamie drew his sword prepared for a battle, but as he pulled his torch over to the other side of the room he gasped in horror. Crumpled in a naked heap on the cold stone floor was Brienne.
Cersei spoke interrupting Jamie's panicked thoughts, "I know you took an oath dear brother, and this thing can hardly be considered a woman, but how could you? Seriously, do you prefer the company of men now that you're half the man you used to be? All of the finest gowns, jewelry, and hairdressing in Westeros could not transform this beast into a beauty."
"Let her go Cersei, this woman has done nothing wrong," Jamie plead knowing he himself could handle Cersei, but bringing Brienne into this was not something he was prepared for.
"Oh now it is obvious you are lying. She is the cause for your treason. I saw the way she looked at you and you her at the summit. I saw how you abandoned your queen in her time of need. You are lucky I don't kill you now."
"You are one to talk." Jamie was going to argue with his sister but then he realized Brienne's face had turned quite ashen and pale. He rushed over to remove her gag and place his cloak over her body.
"What did you do to her?" He demanded sharply knowing there was something wrong. Brienne was usually so vibrant and full of life. Jamie was slightly relieved to see color return to Brienne's cheeks when her gag was removed, but then he heard the crank of wood behind him and realized Cersei was standing behind the dragon slayer.
"I think the better question dear brother, is what did you do to her?" She wound up the crank and aimed the spear at Brienne's heart.
"Your seed should be reserved for me and me alone to keep our bloodlines pure; it should not be given to repulsive maids, whom no other men will touch." Jamie was trying to absorb Cersei's words, still thinking about how to get Brienne out of here, and he glanced back to Brienne trying to piece things together, when something clicked and his eyes opened wide. Cersei was speaking of bloodlines and seed. Was Brienne pregnant? Jamie stared dumfounded unsure how to process this new information.
"I was hoping you would have chosen the first option, fuck me here and then watch me kill the beast, but if you prefer I kill you both instead, that is acceptable," Cersei cackled.
"Have you gone mad?" Jamie demanded coming closer but Cersei held her ground.
"Yes quite, but the only way I will ever surrender is over my dead body. We have one last child between us who can save this kingdom and that child does not need a father to live. So what will it be dear brother?"
Jamie took one more step towards her but Cersei warned him, "Come any closer and I will pierce you both."
His brows furrowed as he stared down his sister. He did not understand how he could have ever loved her. She was pure evil, although she wasn't always that way, he was sure that the rot that had been growing inside her was now down to the core.
"May I have one last word?" Jamie questioned and Cersei folded her arms, expecting Jamie to come trotting back, but instead he turned to Brienne.
Brienne had many close brushes with death but she feared she had finally reached the end of the road and looked fearfully into Jamie's eyes.
"It is alright," Brienne said understanding Jamie's predicament. He loved Cersei and there was no changing that. "I want you to live," she concluded still feeling quite weak, but it was the truth. If she had to die so Jamie could live, she would.
"Is it true what my sister says, are you with child?" Jamie questioned staring Brienne down. Brienne wasn't sure, but her body had never felt like this before and if it wasn't poison then there was a possibility she was pregnant. When they were at Winterfell they had tried to be careful, but there were a few occasions when the passion consumed them and they were not…careful.
"There is a chance, yes," Brienne admitted with a blink unsure herself how to handle this turn of events.
This news was the small ray of hope Jamie had needed. He had been in love with Brienne for quite some time, but he had not been able to believe in himself, or feel worthy of being loved by Brienne but if he could begin again, with Brienne as his wife and start their own family-Jamie did not want to get too far ahead of himself, but he had to at least try to save Brienne, even if it meant sacrificing his own life to ensure she lived.
"You must trust me," Jamie whispered lowly to Brienne and then turned to Cersei and spoke louder. "You are right dear sister, I love you. I never loved her; she was just a passing fancy."
Cersei was clearly enjoying the show and grinned wickedly when hearing Jamie's confession.
Brienne tried not to let it show that she was affected by Jamie's hurtful words, but she couldn't help but wince because she had believed it was possible that he might not love her.
"We cannot allow our bloodline to be muddied, but please let us do this in a different and less painful way. She does not have to suffer."
"She does." Cersei replied angrily holding tightly onto the lever of the contraption.
"Cersei?" Jamie tried to get her attention off Brienne and he spoke again, "Cersei, look at me."
Cersei flinched but looked to Jamie and her eyes narrowed not trusting him.
"You have been through much as a young queen. I see that now. Please, let us have one moment of joy together before there is more blood."
Cersei turned her neck and Jamie tried to flick his gaze down to pretend he was drooling over her body, when instead he was watching her grip on the lever.
Jamie realized his words would likely not do much to convince his sister so instead he took off his armor, careful to keep his sword at close reach, and then he removed his pants.
"Go on."
Cersei pulled up her skirt and leaned against the side of the contraption.
"We do it here and then on our release we pull the trigger."
"Whatever you say," replied Jamie calmly, while calculating Cersei's next move.
Brienne looked from Jamie to Cersei wondering just how this was going to play out, knowing she could not bear to watch if they started making love in front of her.
He came around to Cersei's side and pulled her to him for a rough kiss. He had his hand on her thigh when the door burst open. It was just the diversion Jamie needed. The person behind the doors was Qyburn and Jamie used his left hand and threw his sword in the air. It pierced Qyburn's neck killing him instantly. Cersei began to struggle understanding that the tide had quickly turned but Jamie took his other hand, his gold hand, and used it to spin around the dragons spear, knocking Cersei off balance.
"You will never get out alive," spat Cersei, but it was too late. Jamie shoved her into the mechanism, the spear pierced right through her heart. Blood spouted out of her wound and her mouth and Cersei looked to Jamie and as blood gurgled out her mouth and she said with a smile, "Queenslayer."
Jamie collapsed to his knees, killing Cersei took everything out of him, unsure of what to do now and then he remembered Brienne was still bound behind him. She was so quiet and he panicked wondering if she was somehow injured in this battle. If she was he could never live and he quickly rushed to her side cupping her jaw he proclaimed her name, "Brienne?" She breathed heavily and then opened her heavy lids to look at Jamie.
"Do you regret killing her?" Brienne asked unsure Jamie was stable enough to walk out of here with his head high.
But as his fingers gently caressed her cheek and his concerned gaze danced with hers, he shook his head and replied, "I would do it again."
Brienne felt tears fall down her cheeks onto his fingers, unsure if they were happy tears, or simply tears of exhaustion, and then Jamie added, "I love you Brienne, and if we can survive this, I want us to grow old together, surrounded by children."
The tears fell quicker now; Brienne didn't know how much more she could take today and simply nodded her head. She didn't have time to freak out about the idea of being pregnant, although in her heart, she was quite certain now she was with child, but it gave her much comfort to know she and Jamie could do this together, two knights and two parents.
Jamie who had battled his own demons just now was unsure that Brienne had forgiven him since she was now crying in reply to his confession of love and he asked needing to hear assurance from her, "Please say something Brienne. Will you have me?"
A small smile peeked from the corner of Brienne's lips and she shook her head.
"First dearest Jamie, you should know better than to propose such things in a place like this. Secondly, kindly unhinge these chains, and thirdly, if you can put up with equal shares of child rearing, which means I will still be able to fight or guard when needed, then ask me again tonight after we have made great haste to leave this city behind us."
Jamie smiled and leaned in to kiss Brienne on the lips. Unlike their first kiss, this kiss was much sweeter and full of happiness and hope, but then Brienne pulled back and glared down at her bare feet.
"Certainly, I will go get the keys," replied Jamie.
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Seven months later Jamie was looking down at a massive belly. Although Brienne was a big as a whale, that did not stop them from making love regularly. Most of the time she preferred to be on top, but this morning he surprised her. He could not get enough of her large breasts and he wanted to witness the exact moment when she found her glorious release, which could only properly be done when he was on top gazing down into her beautiful blue eyes that were even bluer because of the rays of sunlight shining into their bedroom.
When it was over they laid together, her back side molded into his front and his arm around her belly as his mouth placed trails of kisses down her neck and they gazed out the window. The air was salty and full of sunlight and the sapphire blue waters of the sea glittered before them. They had married several months ago and moved into Brienne's homestead on the Isle of Tarth. Brienne was very pregnant, adapting to the idea of being a mother, and the medic thought there was a good possibility that they could expect twins. Jamie was excited to be a father. He knew Brienne would be a good but firm mother, and he planned to spend time with his children and be a permanent part of their lives, unlike his own patriarch, Tywin Lannister. His children would know what it meant to contribute, and love and be loved in return.
Jamie still had some days where he doubted himself, those days had grown further and further apart, but with Brienne by his side he knew she was meant to make him whole.
Brienne knew there would always be threats to life and what she held most dear, and she and Jamie were only human, which meant they had flaws, but she did know that she would protect her family (Jamie and her child or children) with her life, and she would teach them to protect themselves as well.
From every day forward, to have and to hold, they would be there for each other.