Past Lives

by Macx

Rodimus Prime reflects on Hot Rod's past relationship with Arcee.

Past Lives
by Bigit Stäbler

It was a bright and sunny day on Nebulos and Silhouette enjoyed her visit to the planet she had heard so much about. Labyrinth loved this world for its fascinating history and large underground city with endless seeming rows of files. The Sentinel was in his element, helping the Nebulans with his research to rediscover their past. The underground city of the Hive was full of files no one had ever heard of and every day something else was rediscovered.
Rodimus Prime had decided on a brief visit to Nebulos, to check on things and see how the resident Autobots were doing. Silhouette had been slightly apprehensive to meet the Headmasters. She had heard a lot about them, mainly that they were in a way like the Interfaced Sentinels, but not like anything coming close to that. They were mixed personalities, consisting of a Nebulan and an Autobot, which only acted separately when the Headmaster detached from his partner. She didn't know what to think of this, of how these partners could possibly agree to stay joined for most of the time, melting into one mind, and only separating now and then. It was beyond her normally quite good imagination.
Cerebros, Spike Witwicky's old Headmaster partner, had met them after they had landed and Silhouette had immediately liked the soft spoken and gentle robot. He had in turn introduced them to Brainstorm, Chromedome and the others, and Sil had immediately recognized the different behavior and speech pattern. They were Autobots by looks, sure, but their mixture of two cultures couldn't be denied.
While Rodimus had been briefed on the progress on Nebulos and had met with some representatives of the planet itself, Sil had taken a guided tour through the city with Cerebros. The black-and-silver Autobot had been delighted to get to know her and had told her he had heard a lot about the latest addition to the Dinobots. Sil felt flattered. She had asked about the history of the planet, the Headmasters and likes, and Cerebros had been only too happy to explain everything to her. He and Spike, he had added after the story was told, were best of friends and he sometimes thought he understood humans better now, after he had been briefly joined with one. He also understood Spike's aversion to being turned into a robot and respected it. Cerebros himself was rather glad he was no Headmaster any longer. The changes his fellow Autobots had gone and were still going

through were rather frightening for him. Like Sil he didn't understand it, but he accepted it. Silhouette remembered how Optimus Prime had once mentioned he had doubts about the whole Headmaster situation, and since the fateful day on Nebulos, when the Autobots of the crashed shuttle had joined with the resistance force fighters, no new teams of either Head- or Targetmasters had been formed.
Rodimus returned from the briefing with a rather elated look on his face, accompanied by a Nebulan Sil hadn't met yet.
"Firebolt, this is Silhouette. Silhouette, may I introduce my former partner Firebolt?"
Firebolt, Hot Rod's Targetmaster partner, smiled at the female Dinobot. "Nice to meet you, Silhouette. I see a lot has changed since I last saw my former partner." He gave Rodimus a grin. "Especially for the young hot shot here."
Rodimus managed to look embarrassed. "I wasn't that bad."
Firebolt turned to Sil. "Did you know him before his transformation?"
She shook her head.
"Let me tell you some stories then," the Nebulan grinned. "Well, there was the one with the pond...."
Rodimus gave a protesting yell. "Firebolt!"
Firebolt broke out in laughter. Sil grinned. She made a mental note to ask Rodimus about this later. She was always curious to learn more about the past life of her partner.
"Let's go somewhere more friendly," Rodimus said to Sil, making a face at Firebolt, who just continued smirking.
As both of them walked along a street, the young second-in-command gave Silhouette a short version of what he had heard while they walked. All around him Nebulans and Autobots were busy rebuilding, reconstructing and renewing structures. Finally they were out of the busy city. Around the Nebulan main city was nothing but wild nature and Sil felt her animal side react to it. She felt good! Both of them sat down on a small hill, overlooking the forest beneath them.
"Roddy?" she asked, while playing with a small twig.
"Hm?"
"I'd like to ask you something." She was still concentrating on the twig.
"Which is?" he asked, good-natured.
"You don't have to answer it and I would understand it if you didn't want to consider thinking about it at all..."
He gave her a curious look.
"I know I'm not your first partner," Sil said calmly and saw a brief shadow cross over his optics. "I also see Arcee around you now and then, and the two of you are the best of friends, but you were closer once. I'd just like to know if ... if she's maybe feeling left out, maybe even jealous that .. well, that we are together now. Sometimes I get the feeling she is ... well, kind of feeling sad or sorry. She is an Autobot and I might be considered an intruder. I'd hate to get into a fight!"
Rodimus looked solemnly at her. "You won't get into a fight," he then said. "And you are not an intruder, you are an Autobot, no matter your past! Arcee and I separated a long time ago. It's over and has been for years now."
A deep sadness swung in his voice and Sil knew how to judge it. He wasn't sad that they had separated, it had to do something with how it had happened.
She took his hand and felt him curl his fingers around hers tightly. "Want to tell me" she asked gently.
He sighed. "I guess one day it should be out in the open.... yes." A brief smile crossed his lips. "It all happened shortly after I received the Matrix....."

".....and the reconstruction of sectors 24 to 45 are proceeding smoothly," Ultra Magnus finished his report. "We can expect the power to be back on line in those sectors in the next four days."
Rodimus Prime nodded, trying not to show how absolutely frustrated and bored he was. As Hot Rod he had never been able to make himself a picture of what it meant to be the Autobot leader. Now he knew -- explicitly! It meant long meetings, briefings and conferences. It meant bureaucratic paper work, reading files, listening to hair raising requests and propositions. It meant doing diplomatic footwork, even longer private audiences for delegates and ambassadors. And it meant having Ultra Magnus and Kup hover around him like flies around a bowl of sugar, advising, criticizing, admonishing. He was so fed up with his job, just a few months after he had received the Matrix, that he was ready to quit: right here and now.
The Matrix had been passed to him from Optimus Prime when he had died. Well, not quite true. Ultra Magnus had received it first, apparently to keep it safe until Hot Rod reached a point where the Matrix chose to pronounce him the new Autobot leader, which had been a few days later. Had he known about this ...scheme, he would have tried to get as far away from the strange device as possible. Now it had happened and there was nothing he could do about it. Hot Rod had turned into Rodimus Prime and risen from his more or less anonymous position of 'one of many' to the top. He hated the top. It was lonely there. No one dared to approach him in any way like they had done before, not even Arcee.
The thought of the female Autobot let his thoughts wander and he knew this was one thing he still had to work through. But first things first. Right now his primary goal was to get out of this briefing and back to the relative safety of his office. Ultra Magnus was just answering some of Kup's questions concerning security and Rodimus feigned interest to cover his boredom. Okay, so it was important to reconstruct Cybertron after Unicron's attack, but these briefings were ridiculous. Ultra Magnus' job was to take care of the repair work, coordinate it, not to write report upon report about every development in the damaged sectors. But Magnus seemed to love these reports and he cherished every briefing. So Rodimus, as the leader, had to sit through them.
"All right, people," he finally said, "good work. We have a group of delegates from Earth coming in two days and Spike has told me they want to know if Cybertron is still able to fulfill its treaties. The progress concerning the repair work might just give them a kick."
Kup grimaced slightly at the phrasing. Rodimus couldn't help it. Too much of him was still Hot Rod and it was rebelling against what the others tried to make out of him: a clone of Optimus Prime.
"I also want to return to Earth to talk with the American President," Rodimus went on regardless of Kup's silent message relayed through the expression on his face. "The destruction of Autobot City made him a bit worried."
"But we need you here for the delegation!" Ultra Magnus protested.
"You can deal with it just as well," Rodimus answered, dismissing the unspoken suggestion to stay here and do his job. He couldn't be in two places at once and Ultra Magnus was a capable officer. Rodimus rose from his chair. "If there isn't anything else, I'll be in my office."
The others didn't object and Rodimus Prime nearly fled from the room. When he was outside and the door closed after him, he gave a sigh of relief. He knew he had to work on his attitude, but what did they expect? That he took over without any problems? Without any rough periods and phases? They couldn't possible think that after receiving the Matrix he would transform into the reincarnation of Optimus Prime, could they? Kup had to know that the Matrix didn't do that. It was just a symbol of what Rodimus' position in the Autobot society now was, nothing more. He was young, he was inexperienced in leadership matters, and he needed time, for Primus' sake! But they didn't give him that time and it angered him.
He walked into his office, which was not Optimus Prime's old office. He had objected to using it, since it held too many memories and too many dark thoughts. Rodimus had chosen a different level and a different room, though it had evoked another row of protests and suggestions. This time, it had not even touched him.
He walked over to the window and looked outside, his thoughts wandering to a topic he had been trying to approach as of lately, but had found neither the time, nor the right opportunity to do it: Arcee. She and Hot Rod had been an item, and their relationship had been an open secret. It had not been as serious or as intense as he'd have liked it to be, but at the time, both had been more like human teenagers than grown-ups. Arcee was about his age and they had fought many battles together. They had grown closer and closer until their were partners. Hot Rod had been thrilled to have Arcee as his girl-friend and Arcee had responded to his frivolous approaches and fun-loving nature in the same way. They had had fun times.
And then Optimus Prime had been killed, the Matrix had been passed on, Unicron had struck and the Decepticons had come under a new leadership. Though they had not shown their face once in the last months, the threat was still there. Throughout those months following the change of leadership, Rodimus had noticed how Arcee distanced herself from him. At first she had told him that she was needed to handle repairs on Earth, then she had taken his leadership responsibilities as an excuse not to be around. Lately he had noticed that she and Springer had become close.
It hurt.
Strangely enough, he wasn't overly jealous about Springer. It was not really in his nature. But why wasn't she talking to him? What was wrong? Had he done anything to drive her away? Had he said a wrong word, acted like he didn't care anymore? Because he did! He wanted Arcee to be close to him, he needed her to share his life. He felt so lonely as Autobot leader that a partner might just help him go through a day without the fervent wish to just scream and throw it all to hell.
Rodimus turned away from the window and decided to talk to her. He needed this out in the open if she no longer wanted this relationship to continue. He needed to hear the words to be really sure. Leaving his office he walked over to the communications center. Blaster would know where to find Arcee, because every Autobot involved in the repair work carried a beeper and when out in the damaged sectors had to report in regularly.
"Yo, Rodimus!" Blaster called cheerily as he entered the communications center.
"Blaster, is Arcee here or out in the sectors?" Rodimus asked right away.
"Lemme check." Blaster looked at a read-out screen. "Nope, she just came back a few hours ago. Want me to page her?"
"No, thanks." Rodimus smiled and then left again.
He found Arcee after a short search in her quarters. The female Autobot looked a bit surprised about his visit.
"Hi, Rodimus. Anything the matter?"
He sighed. Why did something always have to be the matter? Couldn't he just talk to someone just like this? Just to talk? Apparently not.
"No, nothing's the matter, Arcee," he answered. "I just wanted to talk with you." He hesitated for a second. "About us."
Arcee suddenly looked indecisive. "Us?" she echoed.
Rodimus sighed again. Arcee, listen, I need to get this out in the open. Both of us know that we.... uh.... since I received the Matrix our relationship has not been the same. I just want to know what happened! Did I do something? Say something?" He shrugged helplessly. "It's just that I'd like to know what went wrong."
Arcee sank down on her recharge bed, clutching her hands. "It's nothing of the above, Rodimus," she finally said. "I ... it's just .... nothing is the same anymore. A lot has changed."
"Tell me about it," he muttered.
She briefly looked up and smiled. His change was more than obvious. "You see, you have a new position, and Hot Rod .... he is gone."
"I still am Hot Rod!" he protested. "Don't talk about my past as if I had died when receiving the Matrix!" She flinched and he immediately felt sorry for yelling. "Listen, Arcee, I'm still me. Everything inside is still the same, except maybe for the Matrix. Only the outside changed!"
"That is not the point!" she answered. "You are no longer Hot Rod! You have become the Autobot leader! You are Rodimus Prime. You have obligations, you are the one everyone turns to ...."
"And you think I have no more time for my private life?" he asked, incredulous as his mind suddenly drew the right conclusion. "Arcee, that's nonsense! I might be more involved in other matters, but I still have a private life! I'm still someone else besides Rodimus Prime!"
He knew he was sounding hurt, but he couldn't help it. He was hurt, damnit! What Arcee was telling him was outrageous! What did she think he was? Leader all day long? Okay, he was, but he found some time for himself, if necessary by using just that position to get it.
"Rodimus, you don't understand!" she whispered, turning away. "Your position... it wouldn't work!"
He walked over to her, turned her around and forced her to look at him. "Who says so? You? The others?" He scowled. "Since when do others have any idea what this position means? Since when can others decide what is good for me or not? I'm my own person and I, only I, can decide what I can and can't do! If Kup or Ultra Magnus or anyone else even suggested this...."
She tore herself out of his hold. "You have become someone else and you have a destiny," she told him.
"And I want to greet that damned destiny with you at my side!" he nearly cried. "Arcee, we didn't even try it!"
She shook her head, looking sad. "And we won't try it either."
Rodimus felt like kicked in the gut, but he tried not to show it. "Okay," he said slowly. "I'll accept your decision." Sadness nearly overpowered him. "I hope you and Springer will be happy," he added softly.
Arcee flinched violently again and averted her eyes.
"Yes, I know it," he answered, noting curiously how calm his voice was beside the inner turmoil he felt. "And no, I won't throw anything in your way. I just want us to remain friends, Arcee."
She looked up and nodded. "That we will," she answered in a near-whisper.
He nodded and turned to leave.
"Rodimus?"
He looked back and felt a painful ache inside of him as he saw her slender form. "Yes?"
She seemed to want to say something, then only shook her head. He closed the door after himself.
Rodimus walked down the corridor, appearing completely composed and calm, even answering one or two questions from passing Autobots. Only when he was outside the building did he give in to the built-up emotions. He transformed and drove off, gaining speed by the second, not minding any regulations or possible breaches of speed limits. He needed to get this out of his system and the only way there was for him to do it was race.

Silhouette looked compassionately at him and squeezed his hand. Her eyes were relaying sadness about what he had gone through so long ago.
Rodimus smiled at her as she leaned closer, trying to help him deal with emotions rising from the past by simply being there. He loved Silhouette, maybe even more than he had ever loved Arcee. Arcee had been special to Hot Rod, and he had been different around her when they had been alone. But Arcee had shied away from Rodimus Prime, maybe because he was different, maybe because he had suddenly such an open position, maybe for very different reasons. He might never know, but he guessed that the others had talked about it and she had listened too hard. Arcee had taken someone else's opinion about the subject matter and decided that their relationship had no future. Thinking back now, Rodimus wondered what would have been different had she stayed with him. Well, for one he wouldn't have come quite as close to Sil. Silhouette accepted him and his responsibilities as the Autobots' second-in-command, and she supported him by simply being with him -- like now.
He put an arm around her, hugging her gently.
"Did Arcee ever talk to you about it again?" she asked softly.
He shook his head. "No. We parted and both of us decided for ourselves never to pick up the subject again. I guess the others influenced her, told her it would never really work between the two of us because I was now Prime, that I would be unable to share a life with her." He sighed deeply. "Optimus Prime had Aleeta One to share his life and burden with, so why did she think I couldn't be there for her?"
Sil didn't have an answer. She just knew that this past event had hurt Rodimus more than he would ever want to confess.
"But she and Springer seem happy now," he added, "so I'm happy for her."
Silhouette watched some clouds drift through the blue sky. "I think that sometimes she wants to talk to me, but every time we are alone, she talks about everything except you." She sighed. "I think she regrets what she did, Rodimus."
"And is jealous of you?" he asked, slightly surprised.
"No. She loves Springer and he loves her, you can see that, but I guess she has realized that she made a mistake in the past. Maybe she just wants to tell me that; maybe she thinks I might see her as possible competition, I don't know." Silhouette turned to him and gave him a soft kiss. "But she won't make a scene," she added in a whisper. "She knows we are partners. And you can share your burden with me....."
Rodimus smiled and returned the kiss. "If you say so," he said as he pulled away. "And you're already doing more than just sharing..."
"I do," she answered with a knowing smile. "You shouldn't worry so much about Arcee."
She chuckled. "I always worry about something."
Silhouette leaned toward him, arms wrapped around his neck. "Then worry about me," she said and kissed him passionately.
"Sil!" he protested. "People might see us!"
"So?" she breathed.
He embraced her and held her close, savoring her presence. "I don't think that being caught like that inspires trust with the Nebulan government's representatives."
Her fingers traced a line down his chest. "How about a finding a more private place then?" she suggested slyly.
He gave a soft sigh. "Sil.... We're here on official business."
She laughed and sat back. "Lighten up a bit!" she chuckled. "I won't get you into any trouble."
"Oh?" he responded. "That would be new."
Silhouette gave a cry of protest and began to tackle him. Both of them fought playfully, with Rodimus ending up on top of her. He bent down and sought her mouth.
"Maybe we should find a private space," he whispered as they parted once more.
"My words," Sil answered. "But if we go any further I guess we won't be able to make it in time." Her blue optics glinted mischievously.
Rodimus detached himself by force and pulled her up. Sil smiled at him and he found it the most beautiful sight around. He had been lucky to find someone like her. She was as unique as she was special to him. And she was beautiful.
"What are you looking at?" she asked as they walked back to the city.
"You."
She laughed, then suddenly made a dash for the buildings. Rodimus received the hint and transformed, following her.

Back in the main city, Shanygn and Firebolt sat together over a Nebulan version of coffee. The Interface had immediately liked the former Targetmaster partner and they had
found a common subject right away: Rodimus Prime and his former version Hot Rod.
"He grew a lot since I last met him," Firebolt told the blue-haired woman.
Shanygn nodded. "He has. You met him before I did, before he came to Alean, right?"
Firebolt sipped at his coffee. "Yes, but I guess he had began to change then already. He hid it well through his hot shot ideas and behavior, but there was an underlying pain I never could explain. And he never talked about it either, so I never asked. Now I know what it was, but I never knew him well enough to make a connection between the missing Matrix and his state of mind. I didn't know about his former 'job' as Autobot leader. Maybe if he had told me, I would have been able to help."
"He's good at hiding things," Shanygn agreed, smiling knowingly.
"So how did you get him to confess it?" Firebolt wanted to know.
"I didn't do anything. He came to the conclusion that he had to tell someone all by his little self." Shanygn laughed. "After getting a good kick from several Sentinels and my humble self."
Firebolt grinned. "I can believe that. So you two are Interfaced?"
She nodded.
"Fascinating concept, really. Being a Targetmaster meant being close from time to time, but this beats everything I could imagine for a partnership."
She tilted her head in thought. "Well, it's not like any Headmaster idea, but you are right, we are close. I replace the Matrix for him in many ways, which brought us very close together." A strange smile suddenly played over her lips. Had Firebolt known why she suddenly smiled that way, he would have been more than surprised. Shanygn had felt that familiar tickle again. "Well, how about you give me the grand tour of your city?"
Firebolt emptied the mug of coffee. "How about lunch afterwards?"
"Sounds good. Lead the way."
The two left the room and Firebolt began to show her the city from the Nebulan point of view. Shanygn wished Rodimus a nice time, then concentrated on her guide.