Identity
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Chapter One - Forgotten
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BEFORE YOU READ: Miyazaki (the creator of Spirited Away) has stated that when Chihiro goes out from the tunnel, she doesn't remember anything that happened in the spirit world. Also, Miyazaki owns Spirited Away and whatnot. You know the drill.
P.S.: I had just watched Howl's Moving Castle when I wrote this, so Haku's and Howl's personalities might… blur…, mostly just meaning that Haku won't be as serious as he was in Spirited Away.
-Chihiro-
"Chihiro." A tall girl stood before me, smiling snidely. I was in front of the supermarket, buying groceries. Strange, I thought to myself. I was sure that she was my classmate- I've probably known her since the day I started my new school. Yet I couldn't bring myself to remember who this girl was.
Ever since five years ago, when I was ten and my family had just moved, something changed in me. I can remember the colors of the rainbow, and all about the books I read and fractions and what pillows are… and yet, I cannot remember. I cannot remember my teachers' names or my classmates' names. I cannot remember most of the people I interact with every day, I cannot seem to recall their faces or their voices or anything to do with their personality.
My parents, whose names I still cannot remember in a fluent manner, put me into therapy. I didn't show signs of depression (yet I have no friends), nor do I seem to have anything physically wrong with me. They eventually just passed it all off as 'forgetfulness', 'emotional impact from moving', and ultimately a 'dissociative disorder'.
"Yes?" I asked the girl in front of me.
Her lips curled. "Do you know my name?" I gave her a hard stare. I may not remember people, but I certainly remember what they do. I've been asked this question by people, in mean and nice ways alike, endlessly.
"No. And what of it?" I asked, my voice hardening.
She gave a cold, hard laugh. "What cheek from such a retard."
Something clicked in my mind. This girl (was it Yumi? Rumi? Or perhaps Hina…) was the girl that always bullied me. I couldn't remember who she was for the life of me, and so she used this as an advantage- because she got away with it every single time.
She grabbed my arms and threw me into the alleyway beside the supermarket, so that no one could see us. She kicked me in the stomach and kept kicking me until I spewed out some blood.
"God, I can't believe they let you in school, a freak like you." She spat. She knelt down beside me and slapped my face, hard. I let out an involuntary groan. "You should be left somewhere to rot," she whispered, a horrible glint in her eyes when she saw that I realized what she was implying. "Somewhere where no one would ever look. Somewhere where no one can save your sorry ass."
She kicked me in the face and I blacked out.
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I groaned. My body was aching and I could taste blood in my mouth. My eyes fluttered open and the first thing I thought was that I was craving for some food.
Where was I? I looked frantically around. In front of me was a strange, small statue of some sort in front of a large, dark tunnel.
I walked cautiously in front of it, partly from the bodily pain and partly from the strange mood it filled me with. The wind blew into the direction of the tunnel, giving me chills down my spine and ushering me as if pulling me in… and I realized that I was experiencing déjà vu. It was like this every time I tried to remember someone's name.
Something tightened in my heart- it was as if I lost something here. After a few moments, I decided to make my way back home- slowly, of course, with my injuries.
When I got home, Mom was in tears at the sight of me. I went to my room and pulled a pillow over my head, trying to drown out her sobbing. I fingered my shiny hair band that laid on my nightstand, a gift from someone warm- someone I did not remember.
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"Tunnel?" Dad exclaimed, when I at last asked him about the place that I swear I've been at before. "Ah, remember when we first came here? And we went into the tunnel and saw that old amusement park? Oh, and when we went out and there was dust all over the car and we were declared missing for a few months!" He shook his head, chuckling. "Most interesting few months we had. Didn't remember any of it."
I furrowed my brow in concentration. Some of what he said seemed familiar, but I couldn't bring myself to remember it at all. Everything from the dust to the declaration of us missing I remembered, vividly in fact, but nothing about going inside the tunnel or the 'old amusement park'.
Mom looked at the clock. "Oh, Chihiro, you're going to be late for school. You shouldn't be late on your first day back." Mom had insisted that I stayed at home from school for at least a week (with quite a good bit of acting, I managed to stretch it to two weeks) to heal and get over the 'emotional' trauma. I was bullied the worst I've ever been bullied yet.
I quickly wolfed down my breakfast, went out, took my bike, and rode to school. I went into my classroom with minutes to spare. I sat lazily in isolation (no one wanted to talk to me) when a deep, clear voice cut through my lethargy.
"Chihiro?"
I glanced behind me. To my surprise, the boy that said my name held the most vivid face I have ever seen. Dark hair, a pale face. Every line on his face, every wrinkle and color I took in. It was so strange, to know for once that I was sure to remember this face…
"Yes?" I asked, still in mild shock over my sudden revelation of my sudden interest in him.
He smiled. "I'm Nigihayami Kohakunushi. I'm the new student. I heard you were taking time off from school."
I nodded, already feeling down. Kohakunushi- I could barely remember names with two syllables, let alone five. "Do you have a nickname or anything…?" I asked.
He smiled. "You… You can call me Haku." He looked at me as though he was expecting something, but when all he found with confusion in my clouded eyes, his smile faded a bit.
"Kohakunushi, what are you doing, talking with the class retard?" A loud voice carried over. I glanced at the owner. To my surprise, I immediately remembered who she was- not quite the name, I still couldn't recall it, but I knew that it was my personal tormentor, the one who left me to rot in front of the tunnel.
Haku's eyes narrowed. The girl looked taken back- I assumed Haku was fairly nice to her in my two weeks of absence.
"Chihiro's not a retard." He said in a soft, cold voice. The girl looked a bit unsure, but scoffed and looked away to talk to her friends.
"Thank you." I said. Haku beamed. "You know, you don't have to talk with me." I added, as an afterthought.
To my surprise, Haku looked offended. "Why not?"
"I.. Well, what she… Do you know why she called me a retard?" I asked, tentatively.
Haku gave me a sheepish smile. "Yes. The fact that you can't remember identities?"
"Yeah…" I was about to say more, but the teacher came in at this moment.
"It's time for homeroom!" The teacher said. Everyone scrambled to their seats.
"You know, Chihiro, I hope you don't forget me." Haku said, before returning to his seat. For a strange reason, I felt that I won't- not him. Not this face that was so real to me.
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I remembered Haku's name the next day. It exhilarated me when I walked into the classroom, and I saw Haku. I remembered our whole conversation and his face and his name (Nigihayami Kohakunushi- I can repeat this over and over in my mind and never forget it).
"Good morning, Haku." I said brightly. Some of my classmates cast dark looks at me but didn't say anything. The bully looked bewildered at my sudden remembrance.
"Good morning, Chihiro." He smiled. Before I could make conversation with him, the teacher came in and called us to our seats. Scowling to myself, I made a mental note to come earlier to class so I could converse with Haku.
After school, as I was packing, Haku sat down beside me.
"Hey."
I smiled. I felt as if I could smile endlessly around him.
Haku had a thoughtful expression on his face. He took my books out of my hands and stuffed them into my backpack without bothering to ask for permission.
"Chihiro, why don't you remember?" Haku asked.
Dread filled me. Why was he interrogating me? Suddenly, I knew why he was being so nice to me. Usually, I was either ignored or bullied. But sometimes, people will try to befriend me. Sometimes it was out of pity, but mostly it was out of curiosity. Innocent it may be, but I didn't appreciate being something of a dancing bear; the freak who couldn't remember people, here for his entertainment.
"Remember what?" I must've had a cold tone to my voice because Haku looked up from my backpack with wide, frantic eyes.
"I don't mean- I didn't, I meant…" Haku frowned, apparently at a loss for words. "What I meant to say," Haku said finally, after some consideration, "is that… Chihiro, you don't remember me, do you?"
I looked at him, astounded. So I knew Haku before? "We've met before?"
Haku sighed. "Nevermind. Listen, do you want to get some ice cream?"
"Wait- well, I mean, yes, ice cream's good, but-"
"I want vanilla." Haku slung my backpack across his shoulders and walked out the door. I had the sinking suspicion that he didn't want me to ask about how he knew me.
He glanced back at me as I was still sitting there, wondering how best to approach the subject without him pulling back and changing the subject, or just plain ignoring it.
"Coming? I have your homework as hostage, you know." Haku shrugged the shoulder with my backpack on it to indicate the reality of his threat.
Hesitantly, I stood up and followed him out to get ice cream. I could feel stares of disbelief from my classmates bore into the back of my head.
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I licked on my strawberry ice cream carefully so it didn't drip and looked at Haku from the corner of my eyes. He was eating his vanilla ice cream in a peaceful manner, and was glancing out into the sky with a longing expression. Haku looked my way and caught my eye, grinning. I blushed and quickly averted my gaze.
"So," I said conversationally, "What do you want to talk about?"
Haku shrugged. "It's up to you."
Then we lapsed into silence again, though I watched him carefully over my ice cream. He stared back in unnervingly.
"Well…" I said slowly. Haku tilted his head to show that he was listening. "So, where have we met before?"
Haku smirked. "I don't think you'd believe my answer."
I frowned. I snapped my fingers, then in a very uncharacteristically enthusiastic manner, I exclaimed, "I know!" Haku's eyes widened, a small, uncertain smile creeping onto his face. "You must've been a bully when I was in elementary school, and, maybe, you've moved to come to make amends because you felt so guilty about it!"
This idea struck me as a stroke of genius, but Haku just gaped at me for a minute, then started laughing.
After he calmed down a bit (with the help of my glaring eyes), Haku wiped the laugh tears from his eyes. "Absurd, you are, Chihiro. That was ridiculously random."
My face fell. "Well, then, honestly- I don't remember."
Haku gave me a strange look. Then, in a soft voice, he said, "It's okay, Chihiro. I have faith that you'll someday remember me. Once you meet someone, you never really forget them."
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Being with Haku was strange. The strange part wasn't because I could actually remember who he was at the first glance or remember his name with ease- it was more of how Haku was. For one, his appearance was very gentlemanlike and polite, as his speech. He has dark green eyes (how many Japanese people have green eyes? I guess I just assume he also has some other heritage in him), and whenever he's in direct sunlight, his hair shines green. Haku's hair was cut in a very neat fashion, and often times he would let slip language that was too old-fashioned for kids our age at this time.
Another thing that really surprised me was how he seemed to enjoy being in my presence. Being socially challenged due to my 'condition', I was not fit for outings. More often than not I would read books, or stay at home and help my parents with dinner or sorts of things like that. I disliked going out with a passion; school was hard enough because of how I am, I didn't fancy being made fun of or getting pity stares by choice.
Haku, however, seemed to want to hang around me any chance he got (though he passionately avoided my questions about where we've met before; he says he thinks it'd be cheating). Many of my classmates (especially the female ones; Haku's polite demeanor attracted them because most boys were rude and rough) were angered by how much interest the 'New Kid' showed in me.
I've also noticed that my bully was extremely jealous. I guess she took a liking to Haku, and even though he showed no interest in her, that was his downfall; the less he wanted her, the more she seemed to want him. However, I didn't get bullied again- I was always with Haku after school when he walked me home; she didn't have a chance.
The things we talked about (besides my constant nagging about where I've met him before) weren't what I expected to be subjects a fifteen year old was interested in. Haku told me a bunch about folklore and myths; he was a fantastic storyteller. He was also very smart in his stories; never did he mention names, instead he mentioned what they reigned over or what they did, or some other simple thing that I could remember easily, such as The River Spirit or That One Frog That Was Extremely Annoying. I remembered them all despite my problem with identities. I suspected it had something to do with the fact that it was Haku who told them to me.
Haku had turned into my best friend. He claimed that my house was on his way to school anyways, so we walked together to school, even though we both knew that he lived on the other side of town. I've only seen his house twice and I never went into his house, which was humble and small and looked very cozy, though I've waited outside as Haku rushed in to get things.
After school, Haku and I would always leave school together. Sometimes we went to eat ice cream, watch a movie, order some food, or just hang out at my place. Luckily, my parents were usually out until the late evenings, because they seemed to worship Haku. When they first met Haku, I introduced him to them (saying his full name) and they looked at him in surprise and practically tripped over themselves trying to coax him into staying for dinner, which he did. Eventually, it became a routine where my parents wouldn't even bother asking Haku if he wanted to stay for dinner; it was just common knowledge that he would.
I suppose my parents wouldn't have approved of Haku, with my spending almost literally all my waking moments with him (and sleeping too, once we got into homework; being with Haku also improved my grades dramatically), if it hadn't been for the fact that I could remember Haku so easily.
Once, when Haku was asleep while I was only half-asleep on his shoulder in front of the TV, Mom had come in to clean up the living room. From the corner of my half-closed eyes, I saw Dad walk in and peer at us with a strained look on his face. "Do you think that's practical?" He whispered to Mom.
Mom gave him a glare. Hissing, she snapped, "Haku practically saved Chihiro- she always remembers him! And not only him, remember when her teacher called us to tell us about how much she's been improving in remembering things? I think hanging out with Haku has helped her a lot!"
Dad opened his mouth to defend himself, but Mom shot him such a dirty look that he immediately shut up and went off to the kitchen in fear.
-
"Are you seriously saying that you don't know how to play chess?!" I gasped. Haku peered at me over his book to chuckle quietly, as if he thought I was too naïve to underestimate him.
"I may not know how to play, but once I learn, I bet I can eat your arse." Haku said. I had encouraged him to use more slang, or at least modern phrases and he was obliging, though I noticed he seemed surprised every time he did. In some ways, I think I'm even more normal than him.
"Ass, not arse. I'll teach you how to play chess, and then see if you can beat me!" I grinned. I was very good at chess. I've beaten even my dad, who often boasted that he was undefeated until he made the mistake of teaching me.
Haku slammed his book shut. I've realized now that even though he was quite stoic, sometimes he'll get very excited over a common thing, like chess. For someone so smart, Haku was incredibly dense sometimes. Once, Dad had tried to get Haku to watch a basketball game with him, only to learn that Haku didn't know the rules or anything about basketball, except that it had, in Haku's own words, "…something to do with baskets and balls?"
"How about this," Haku said. "If you teach me how to play chess, then I'll teach you how to play Go."
I frowned. "Go? What's that?"
It was Haku's turn to be surprised. "You don't know how to play Go?" I shook my head.
"Go tests your logic, your instincts, it's just wonderful! It's the most interesting game in the world!" Haku exclaimed. I highly doubted that; Haku found a lot of dull things interesting, such as reading incredibly boring books about philosophy and science and whatnot, and really old-fashioned things like the koto.
I agreed to his deal and he set out to buy me a large, oak go board with marble go stones. When I looked at it, I gave a sound of recognition.
"I know! This is from that one anime, Hikaru No Go, isn't it?" I've taken to watch more television and anime and such since I could remember the names and identities better now.
Haku just gave me a quizzical look. "What's anime?"
Sometimes I wonder if Haku's really from modern Japan.
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Author's Note: I was going to make this chapter into, like, fifteen pages, but I've decided not to overwhelm… There's a three day waiting period before I can post stories up. Ugh.
Anyways, Go is that one really ancient game from Hikaru No Go. I'm a 1 Dan, by the way. Hehe. (Gloat)
Koto is this Japanese harp/zither. I don't know much about it- just that it's Japanese and it's traditional and such. And don't worry, Go and Koto has next to nothing to do with the story; it's just a little device I put in to show how old fashioned Haku is.
Who can find the quote that's from the movie? Hmm? HMM? Hint: in the movie, it's not Haku who says it.
Anyways, PLEASE REVIEW! Constructive criticism is appreciated! But, you know, I understand if you can't find any mistakes here… (Chuckles) Just kidding!
Again: REVIEW REVIEW REVIEW. (The more reviews, the more enthusiastic I will be about writing this story, nudge nudge)
Updated: 7/29/09 Revised a lot of grammar mistakes, and diction choices.