Disclaimer: The Justice League, and all those hot bodies—er, characters, belong to DC.
Note: This is a short, nonsensical and speculative piece on what would happen if our world's Lex Luthor finally decided to run for president. This story heavily references an episode called "A Better World." Quick ep summary: The League discovers an alternate reality where Lex has become president and taunts Superman for lacking the guts to kill him. Superman agrees that this is a problem and kills Lex. He and the rest of the League change their name to the Justice Lords, don some sweet new costumes, and rule the world with an iron fist. Our world's Superman sometimes worries if he's capable of murdering Lex, and if his ideals of justice are too high and unyielding for a free world. This story deals less with the philosophy of justice and more with the crazy.
On the day of the soon-to-be President Luthor's inauguration, the world waited with baited breath. Or at least, the part of the world that contained an admittedly select group of people who'd had the misfortune of witnessing (directly, by the Justice League, or indirectly, by Cadmus) the events after a similar inauguration on a similar yet terribly different world. The normal security was increased to ten times that of even the most paranoid of Lex's presidential predecessors, with each team in the Secret Service spread out in groups around the Capitol and armed with Kryptonite-loaded weapons. Lex himself was accompanied by no less than eight armed men and women wherever he went, which made for some awkward and crowded situations in the bathroom. Mercy, on whom Lex had never seen any expression other than her get out of my way, you insignificant little pipsqueak face, had unintentionally displayed one small wrinkle in her forehead which may have inspired in more imaginative men the suggestion of worry.
When Lex made it through the speech, the swearing in, and the ensuing celebrations without a single superhuman attempt on his life, Lex's security team and the members of Cadmus collectively let out a relieved sigh. Regardless of how they each felt about the dubious morality of Lex Luthor's business and political practices, both groups preferred him over the more dangerous—although admittedly better dressed—Justice Lords. Even some members of the Justice League let out a breath they'd unwittingly held.
Curiously, no one saw Superman all day.
At five the next morning, Lex stood with a near full glass of champagne in hand, gazing out of his penthouse window at the gloriously lit city ahead. He had not slept.
He wasn't afraid, precisely. If Superman hadn't made his move yet, it was unlikely he would do so in the future. Nonetheless, the guards were still stationed outside Lex's room. There was absolutely no reason for him to be concerned for his safety. It was just….
Why hadn't Superman made his move?
Lex dismissed the question immediately and turned his thoughts to the rest of the day. There were press conferences he had to maneuver, politicians to manipulate, and certain irritable superheroes to mess with. Lex had to admit he was looking forward the last, in particular.
He also had to transfer his staff over to the White House, in show, if not in reality. Lex deeply wished he could conduct all of his business from his better-equipped penthouse. The White House was simply so tacky.
A shadow flitted suddenly over the window.
There was barely enough time to get a glimpse of the red cape before the door burst open. Forty Secret Service members flooded in and leveled their weapons.
Lex held up a hand, and everyone in the room looked to him to give the word.
Calmly, he pushed the little button on his intercom. "What do you want?" Lex asked the figure floating outside. He felt the thrill of anticipation spike in his veins. Lex could not deny he'd been waiting for this all day, and his tone was rich with satisfaction.
The answer was unexpected. Superman's shoulders drooped as he said, "Can I
come in? I just want to talk."
Lex peered curiously at Superman. There was no fury in his voice, no reproach, not even real dislike. There was only weary resignation. Something was very—well, off.
Abruptly making a decision, Lex turned to face his guards. He said brusquely, "You may go."
One man was stupid enough to protest. "But, sir—"
Lex said nothing, merely leveling a blank stare at the guard, which, despite the total lack of emotion, made the man nearly wet himself in fright.
The room cleared very quickly, and Lex selected among the many buttons on his desk the one that opened the large window. (Although Lex would never tell anyone, he had more buttons on his desk than functions for them to perform. He just loved buttons, whether they did anything or not.)
The windows slid open, and Superman drifted listlessly in. The Man of Steel floated down, sat on the floor, and buried his face in his hands.
Lex stared at him with unrestrained glee. Superman had broken. He had cracked!
And Lex Luthor had done it.
Granted, there was some question of how he'd actually managed to do it, but Lex tried not to be too perturbed.
"So," he said, breaking the silence, "can I offer you some champagne?" He tried not to cackle.
Superman caught him briefly by surprise by actually accepting the glass and knocking it back.
Something was very off, indeed.
"You know, I never wanted to be like him," mumbled Superman, finally turning to look blearily at Lex. "The other Superman, I mean."
Saying nothing, Lex waited for this new development to continue.
"See, I don't want to rule the world. Despite everything that's wrong with it, I like it the way it is. More so after meeting the Justice Lords. It's just that.…" Superman paused, and held out his empty glass.
Lex filled it, bemused, and waited for him to continue.
"Sometimes I think I'm too different from that Superman. I do like being a hero! But it just…stops there. I'm happy just stopping your evil schemes, saving the world, and putting you in prison time after time. I don't want to kill you. I don't even want to hurt you." And to Lex's great astonishment, Superman's lower lip began to wobble.
"I'm such a woobie!"
For the first time in a very long time, Lex was struck silent. He recovered quickly, however, and smirked. "Yes, and…?"
Superman stared at him. "I'm supposed to be your greatest enemy! The only one who's ever defeated you! You should be cowering at the sight of my terrible form!"
Lex actually laughed this time. "Terrible form?"
"And now you're making fun of me!" Superman moaned, outraged. "This isn't how it's supposed to be!"
Lex raised an eyebrow. "And do you expect to be able to change that?" he inquired.
"No! And that's what's so frustrating!" cried Superman. "I'm utterly useless! I don't know why I waste the League's time. I can't take you down, and I'm never going to be able to." He heaved a great sigh.
There was a pause, during which Lex wondered how he was supposed to feel about this. It almost sounded as though his arch nemesis was giving up. Of course, he should feel nothing less than victoriously exuberant, but the sentiment fell rather flat. If Superman gave up, then what on Earth would Lex do with his life?
Appearing to come to a decision, Superman announced, "That's it. I'm done."
"Done with what? Refraining from outright destroying me?" Lex was startled by the hopeful tone in his own voice.
"No," Superman said. "I'm done with this hero business. I'm clearly not doing anything useful, and I should be dedicating my time to more fruitful pursuits. I'm done with you, Lex, it's over."
"Wait, Superman, it can't be over," protested Lex, catching himself very much by surprise.
"I can't do this anymore, Lex. Everything's been the same for the last five years. You come up with some stupid plan, I send you to prison, and within six months you're out again. This relationship is going nowhere!" declared Superman.
"But—" Lex began, then cut himself off. God, this conversation was coming out like some wacky soap opera breakup.
Superman ignored him and bitterly nursed his glass.
Lex knew he was going to regret the words about to come out of his mouth, but he found himself saying them anyway. "You're not a complete woobie," he said.
Superman looked up at him.
"In these last few years, I've truly come to respect you as a fearsome and worthy opponent," Lex said.
"Really?" asked Superman.
"No," said Lex, "you are a complete woobie."
Superman moaned again.
Lex tried again. "Well, there was that time you laid into Darkseid like a rottweiler on crack. I was pretty impressed," Lex said. Good Lord, what was he saying?
"You don't really mean it," said Superman. "There's nothing you can say to change things. I'm just not cut out for this. I'm too wussy to lay a real smackdown where it counts."
Lex lay out his last card. "Listen, Superman. This is what you're meant for. You'd never be happy just as an investigative reporter."
Superman backed up against the wall in a red and blue blur. "You—you know who I am?" he whispered, shocked.
Lex pinched the bridge of his nose. "God, Kent, how dumb do you think I am?"
"How do you know?" asked Superman, still whispering melodramatically.
Reaching into his top right drawer, Lex removed a pair of glasses. "I've been waiting to do this for a long time," he said, putting them on. "Now, who am I?"
"What the hell, Lex? I didn't know you wore glasses. Are they new?" said Superman.
Lex sighed and removed the glasses. "Who am I now?"
Superman furrowed his brow in slow confusion. Gradually, it dawned on him. "Oh," he said in a small voice. "Do you think everybody knows?"
"Probably not," said Lex. Apparently, the rest of the country is dumber than you, which," he mused, "may explain the overwhelming success of my presidential campaign."
Superman still appeared deep in thought. "And you never told anybody?" he asked, seemingly unable to believe it.
"Nah, it would spoil the fun," answered Lex. "I try not to keep things personal. Less messy that way, you know?"
"Wow," said Superman. "Thanks, Lex."
"Oh, don't thank me," said Lex. "Especially since tomorrow I'll be in New Mexico testing highly illegal weapons with the capacity to wipe out a small country," he added. "Are you going to try and stop me?" he challenged.
A slow grin spread across the other man's face. "Yeah, I think I am."
After the departure of a significantly cheered Superman, Lex closed the window and headed out of his office.
All of his guards stood waiting for him with wide, wondering eyes, and Lex tried to figure out what to say.
"I think—" he started, then stopped. He honestly didn't know what to think. "I think I'm going to need another bottle of champagne."