Chapter One: It's Like a Movie; It's a B-Movie Show

Setting: Some dimension out of space-time where this actually makes sense

Kyubey ran out of the room, the door closing behind him, leaving the apprehensive and slightly confused group of girls sitting on a side-table. The room was filled with enormous furniture, mostly bookshelves and cupboards, with girl-sized dolls of witches and magical girls sitting in and upon them.

"Seems like a nice enough fellow," Kyoko said. "Dingy, but nice."

Insane laughter came from the ceiling, and the worm version of Charlotte descended, the doll versions sitting on her head. All of the other witch and girl dolls quickly sprung to life, turning to and watching the girls who had arrived. "Yes, Mr. Kyubey is quite an amusing fellow, isn't he?" she asked, her enormous grin making the words all the more unnerving. Her focus turned to Sayaka, and she frowned, or tried to. "Oh, you poor thing, your soul gem is burned out. Here; you can have one of mine." She spat a grief seed toward Sayaka, who caught it. Sayaka's expression quickly turned from confusion to disgust as she held the grief seed, dripping dark ooze. "Use it in good health... Whileyoustillcan." She chuckled to herself a bit.

"I am in deep need of a grief seed," said a muffled voice in as monotone a voice as one can have, short of Ben Stein.

The door opened again. "A grief seed? Of course," Kyubey said, "I have plenty of grief seeds stocked up." All the witches and girls on the shelves returned to pretending to be dolls, or dead.

"Oh boy," replied the unknown voice, "heaven sent you to me."

Kyubey walked back into the room. "Now where did I put that..." he said as he scanned the rows of shelves. "Aha!" He jumped up several shelves and grabbed one of the witches by the arm, pulling it off the shelf and onto a table. He began to chew into its chest; it didn't respond.

After minutes of digging around inside, Kyubey pulled out a grief seed and ran out of the room. Blood, or some analogue to it, dripped off the edge of the table. "You are quite fortunate," he said. "This was the last one left." The door slammed shut, and the witches and girls became once again alive.

Charlotte's mad laughter echoed through the room again as she dropped back down from the ceiling. "You see? You never quite know what's he's going to do. He's so spontaneous."

"W-well-well-well... Well, how do we escape?" Sayaka asked desperately.

"Did you hear that?" Charlotte asked, grinning proverbial ear to proverbial ear. "They want to know how to escape!" The witches and girls on the shelves began to laugh maniacally.

Ominous organ music started to play. "Watch yourself; don't fall off of the shelf," sang the room in unison.

"You must be the new girls in town," Oktavia sang.

"What's that sound?" Sayaka said. "Is someone moving around?"

"Sit down for a spell," Charlotte said, swinging over to Sayaka, forcing her to move back to avoid being hit, her enormous grin bearing its teeth inches from Sayaka's face. "You don't look so well."

"Wait a minute; I feel great," Izabel said as she dropped from one of the shelves, her cage hanging from a rope. "You just leave your self to fate. You might as well just hang around."

"It's too late; we've got to operate," sang Gertrud and Elsa Marie in chorus. Gertrud's minions pulled out their scissors and shears.

"Just try to relax," Charlotte said. "It's the house of wax!"

And army of minions jumped from the shelves, singing and dancing in unison, "Oh, I remember Frankenstein! Shivers up my spine! Wuh~oh!" The singing witched climbed down and began to surround the group of newcomers.

"I'm for getting out of here," Homura said as she eyed the witches.

"No need to shout, my dear," Charlotte, Gertrud, Elsa Marie, and Oktavia sang. "No~oh!"

"Who will go to the cellar down below?" asked Gertrud.

"Trouble is a-bubbling in the brew," sang a human-sized Walpurgisnacht, who appeared beside them, seemingly out of nowhere.

"And when you're down there, Mr. Vincent Price will give you good advice," sang the menagerie.

"He'll know what to do," Charlotte said. "You just tell him, 'Boo'!"

"He will put the voodoo in the stew, I'm telling you!" sang the witches.

A platform descended carefully from the ceiling. As it landed, a grotesque creature dropped onto it from the ceiling, its three arms and four legs flailing from their random positions on its body. "Look at me," it cried. "I mean, really. I'm part girl, part witch, and part Incubator! Oh God, I'm a monster!" Chains descended from the ceiling and pulled it back up as it wailed.

"This is weird," Homura said as she watched.

"It's much worse than I feared," Kyoko added.

"I'll close my eyes and make it disappear," Sayaka said, shutting her eyes tight. The witches quickly surrounded her. She half-opened one eye to check and jumped back in surprise, landing against Walpurgisnacht.

"This is strange!" all the girls shouted at once.

"It ain't home on the range," Walpurgisnacht replied.

"You just tell Saint Pete that you got cold feet!" shouted the witches.

"There goes the sun," Madoka and Mami sang in unison as Madoka held on for dear life, inexplicably compelled to do so. "Here comes the night."

"Somebody turn on the light," Sayaka sang.

"Somebody tell me that fate has been kind," all five girls sang together.

"You can't go out," sang the chorus. "You are out of your mind! It's like a movie. It's a b-movie show!" Chains and vines lowered from the ceiling, wrapping around them and pulling them up as they sung a chorus of 'aah's.

The door opened again, and the witches quickly jumped back to their spots. "The Mrs. loved the grief seed," said the unnamed voice from earlier. "I was wondering if you had any soul gems."

"Sure!" Kyubey replied. "I got a whole shipment of soul gems in this morning!"

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Author's Notes:

Refuge in Audacity is a series of side-stories which take place in the same universe as the base to which it is tied (in this case, the Final Jump 'verse), but is not part of the story itself. There may be mythology gags in the base (as in, the characters in Final Jump might reference events in here), but anything in a Refuge in Audacity chapter is supposed to be considered non-canon; if it were canon, I'd put it in the base itself.

As the name of the chapter suggests, this is what happens when you put the characters in PMMM in the song "It's a B-Movie" (and the surrounding scene), from the 1987 Disney classic "The Brave Little Toaster", with witches taking the place of the crazy appliances, and the main cast (Mami, Madoka, Homura, Sayaka, and Kyoko) as the protagonist appliances (Toaster, Blanky, Kirby, Lampy, and Radio), respectively.

Audacity, indeed.