Solider.
One-shot
Remus gripped his pale hands in his slightly greying hair, here, here in the closure of his bedroom, he could breakdown, here he could cry until someone realised the effect losing his only love was having on him. He knew appeared collected and calm on the outside, but on the inside his feelings was raging war against themselves, anger and grief battling furiously, reducing him to this! This pathetic bumbling fool who stammered over his own words and cried himself to sleep each night.
He could remember nights, not that long ago, with strong arms locked around his waist and a soft head of hair in the crook of his neck making him sneeze, just a little, but it was okay, because Sirius was there, Sirius was safe and warm and Remus could protect him.
He clutched handfuls of his hair, yanking them, trying to bring himself back to focus, Focus Remus! Present. Focus on the present. That was the past. The truly wonderful, colourful past compared to the grey dullness he could feel edging into his life ever since his arms was left empty.
If he was honest, he was terrified, he always knew he was going to die, it was to be expected, especially for someone of his kind. But now, with the prospect looming over his head, the darkness so close he could almost touch it, he felt like a 1st year that forgot their potions homework.
If Sirius could die, the Sirius Orion Black that made him laugh until he snorted, the Sirius Black that was so joyful and full of life, could die, then how did he, sarcastic, cynical Remus Lupin survive in a world where the best were killed off.
He rocked slowly, 'You are not a child Remus, stop this nonsense, you have to be there for the boy who lost his godfather' he could practically hear his fathers voice berating him, calling him a girl, a nancy, he should just get up and get on with it, bearing a smile and forcing pleasantries.
But he rather stubbornly, didn't want to. He didn't want to go out there in his best suit with only one patch in it, he didn't want to look at his sobbing practically-nephew, he didn't want to listen to the few people that knew Sirius was innocent but never actually 'knew' him for the childish man that he was. With his crude jokes and bark like laughter. He didn't want to say that 'Yes, the cooking is delightful, Yes, Molly did it all herself." Even if the cooking was fucking fabulous and Molly did it all blind folded with one hand. Because he didn't care! And maybe, maybe just a little bit of him resented Molly for making this huge display even if it was exactly what Sirius wanted.
He didn't want to be roped into him, or to pat those exes of his that where in the order (because heaven knows there was a lot of them) on the back and apologise for there loss.
Loss? Ha! Remus laughed bitterly at the word. Loss couldn't be described for the Sirius shaped hole in his heart where the fluffy animagus belonged. Missing, was more logical. There was a part of him missing, a part where his lover used to belong.
Didn't anyone see he just couldn't care anymore? That he could barely bring himself to go on missions anymore, knowing he wasn't coming back to a warm hug and a 'how did it go Love?', because he was only fighting for Sirius, only fighting so that maybe, they could have had their own family in a cottage in the south where it was warm and safe and no one ever died.
But he knew that wouldn't happen now. He knew it couldn't happen now. And that...that made him angry, not being able to fight for a reason now. Without having someone to protect. Now, with no reason, no love, no actual desire for war, he was merely a solider. Blind to the pain and suffering of others, working like a metallic robot. Working towards the end of this blasted war!
Yes, he was a solider now.
Heading to his final battle.
The End.