Beyond This Illusion

Never had I thought I could lose something so precious to me,

Nor did I ever imagine it would be him, of all people.

Can I live in a world without him there,

Well, I don't have a choice.

He's gone now,

Forever.

-Kagome

There was nothing to describe the ill feeling I had that day, nor could I accept that fact that I simply let it happen.

Which was odd for me, usually I would rebel and go against almost anything; make an excuse, simply run away. But he was different, he wasn't;t the type of man to flee in the face of danger, to run away from his mistakes, or to coward down to something more greater than him alone.

No, he had the heart of a lion and the strength of a thousand men in battle. With a smile that could melt the coldest of hearts, and eyes to tease the very souls of the Gods; he was simply perfection.

But not even perfection can last forever.

Nothing in this world, and the next, could make me think otherwise about him. The way he walked with such great finesse, the way he spoke as if his voice were the angels singing, and the way his body was shaped, that lines seemed to go on forever, and hide in every curve of him. He was someone who would never be able to replace, nor ever be forgotten.

He was the most brave and devoted man that I had ever seen in only my few short years of my life, and it is to this day that I, forever will, am proud of him. For his loses and his gains, through good or bad, and have healed his heart and soul when it seemed brittle and sore to the touch.

But without any effort, he was the same as anyone else.

Fed with the same food, hurt with the same weapons, subjected to the same diseases, healed by the same means, warmed and cooled by the same winter and summer; if you tickle him, he would laugh. If you prick him, he will bleed. If you poison him, he will die. And if you wrong him, he shall look for revenge.

But he too must pay the same consequences of his actions.

And when his heart does take its last beat, his lungs take thy last fearing breath, those eyes took one last look into mine, and slowly close over to seek for his final resting, I will let him go. I would let him go, but only if he had died in that way; only if he had to die.

Sent on an impossible mission, past the boundaries of his own knowings, and far beyond the world he knew, is where he had been found. There, in a bitter cold ground, with no one who loved him to say goodbye, no one to see his eyes slowly close for the last time, and no one to say they loved him. He died alone, but with a reason.

I didn't give much thought in to it that day, nor did I press the thought from my mind. It lingered with me and gave off a wary presence that would haunt me for eternity, and if I so much as spoke it out loud, I would have chosen the same fate as others before had.

Slipping away in to the unknown of my thoughts, I vaguely remembered my purpose for why I was outside in that bitterly cold winter day.

Ice hung from the ends of every tree's branches that were weighted down from the frozen snow. Snow flew around the sky like lightening, cracking and sparkling as it went through the breeze, talking my warmth away from me. And as I stood there, mesmerized by the now chiming icicles as they clinked together in the wind, my body began to sway back and forth in motion.

There was a stillness in the entire world, and for a few moments in time it seemed as if everything stopped, that nothing else moved, nor did it carry on. I help like I was trapped in a world I never wanted to be in, or knew of.

And at that last thought, a pair of big warm arms pulled over me, surrounding me with warmth and shelter from the cold. They turned me around to face him, smiling and looking at me through narrowed eyes from the blistering wind.

He raised a pointy eyebrow at me, "May I ask why you are standing out in the cold?" he calmly asked, rubbing my arms to get me warm. I could feel the my skin slowly turning a bright red at this point.

I shook my head and rolled my eyes nonchalantly, "I don't know," I paused, burying my face in his clothes. "I just needed to get out for a little while, that's all." I let him cover me over with his arm and navigate me back inside where it was much warmer.

Once inside, I pulled off the cold clothes I previously had on and slipping in to a thick kimono that was folded by the fire, waiting for me. I sat cozy by the fire, and stretched my hands out almost willing to touch the flames as they sparked and flew in different directions throughout the room. I noticed he was standing in the corner, almost trying to think or diminish a thought.

I cleared my throat, afraid it was almost ready to close over, "Won't you sit down?" I questioned, afraid for his own well-being. He had gone through so much in only the last few days, I didn't want anything else causing him pain.

He gave me a quick nod once and traced his footsteps back to the fire.

It was grower higher and was burning brighter when he finally sat down. The fire shined against his face, and the shadows hide his thoughts and concerns, but I knew all too well that he was thinking about everything besides the fact of me. And I understood that.

My arm slowly moved forward to be placed on his shoulder, the moment my skin interacted with his clothing he flinched, but shortly after he became more easy; almost as it my touch had melted away all of his worries.

"So," I proceeded on to my previous conversation with him this morning. I knew he did not want to deal with this, but he would have to sooner or later. "This war, how many humans have died so far?"

"Humans?" he murmured, almost barely making a sound.

If the wind had been any stronger I would have not heard him. I nodded quickly, afraid he would not respond anymore to another question. And I realized the error I had made, I coughed and then it all went silent. "How many demons?"

His eyes slowly closed over, and for a split second I thought he would fall asleep. And just before I was about to shake him awake, his eyes fluttered opened again as if the answer came from within him, "Twenty-six thousand. And more to come."

I sighed, pressing my lips against the side of my kimono. My breath became uneasy. Imagining the massacre that was taking place, and we didn't even know where it was, nor did we know what the out come of this battle would bring. But for whatever reason is would end, I was only afraid of his safety. "You don't have to go."

He glanced up at me, and for the first time I saw hurt in his eyes. An unimaginable blend of pain and suffering and I wished I could take all of it away from him, for him to be at peace. He breathed in deeply and slowly let it back out, trying to collect himself. "If I don't, I will look like a coward."

I bit my lip, almost pressing through my skin with my teeth. My blood felt like it was boiling, but my heart went cold. My grip on his shoulder tightened as I tried not to look in to his eyes, or I would give in to him and his decision. "You don't have to. You going off to fight in a reasonless war is being a coward; running off on an impossible mission is being a coward. But staying and fighting when necessary is being a hero, being alive because you made the right choice, and not a reckless one is being a hero. Not a coward."

And for a moment, he simply could not come up with a comment for my plea, but he soon after pulled his eyes off the fire to stare in to my own. I could not bare the hunger in his eyes, as he looked at me. "Your barely alive because of me." he whispered, slowly beating himself up. "So, if me leaving means me letting you go and having a better life," he paused, as a single tear started to blur his vision. "Then yes, I am a coward."

I fought back tears as my thought felt like it would close over, my heart was in my throat pounding away, and my eyes were readily flowing over with salt water. I could not bare the thought of losing him, not now.

There was an awkward silence between us, and as I whipped the last of my tears that had fallen, I sniffed and then bit my lip again, trying to fight the urge to cry again. "What if-," I almost couldn't say it, afraid of the answer. "What if you shall die?"

He slowly turned his head towards me, looking up at me for a split second before smiling, "Well, than that would be a great adventure."

I gasped, but I fought back tears.

An image of him popped in my head and would not leave. Sprawled out on the cold winter ground, left to die, without anyone beside him. Without me to love him. That was the worst of my fears, and I wouldn't let it come true. I shook my head to make the thought go away, but it stayed there.

"Don't do this," I pleaded. "You have too much to live for." I whispered, but I couldn't think of anything else to say. Nothing seemed anymore important than what I had already said, and he just wouldn't listen.

He sighed as he brushed my hand off of his shoulder, and I whimpered from the sudden gape in distance. "I haven't even lived yet." He shook his head, and then glanced once more at me. "When they call for me, I too, go with them."

And with that last promise, he quickly stood up, blew me a fair kiss and left, leaving me both his and my suffering behind.

x.X.x

There was a guilty feeling I had when I let him go.

I felt as if I could cure his pain, but at the same time I figured all he needed was to be alone with his thoughts. Which was a bad decision on my part.

Within the few hours he was gone, time seemed to stand still. It was as if I was frozen in my own dimension of Hell, doomed to never be set free; it was as if the four walls that surrounded were slowly closing in on me, and I felt as if something was being pulled on strings, something tugged at my heat. Could something on earth be so full of pure disgust and filth?

The cabin door was pushed open, snow was forced to enter from the blistering trying to seek refuge inside the warmth of the blazing room. And then she came in, walking inside and slamming the door behind her as she walked to the wooden table in the middle of the small room.

Her long black hair was tied back into a tight pony tail that ran down to neck. She started to take off bits and pieces of her armor, unhooking it and placing it carefully down on to the wide rectangle. When she noticed that I was sitting alone in the room, she left her under armor down and walked over to me.

She stopped when she got to me, looking down at me as if I was cowering for her to not hurt me. She smiled and took a cushion from behind me, placing it underneath her and sitting on it. She smiled, "It's almost over," she paused, putting her hands out in front of the warm fire. "They nearly have him defeated, the leader, its only a matter of time now."

I through my head back in relief, but then a strange thought had popped in to my mind when I felt the sudden happiness, "What about the others to leave in the morning?"

She shook her head while she shrugged her shoulders, they went up and then circles around to sit back nicely on each side of her. "I really can't say, they might send them to make sure the job is successful, but they probably won't be gone longer than a day. Two at most."

I nodded, trying to believe that fate had answered all of my prays and solved every last problem. I took a deep sigh and smiled at her, "I can't believe this. Thank God." I paused, holding my head. "I really thought I would have lost him if he left, it seemed impossible."

She took one of her armor gloves off, and rubbed her wrist as if it was torn apart from the metal. She cracked her knuckles and then her neck before regaining in on our conversation. "How is he? When I left this morning, he seemed uneasy."

I rolled my eyes, and tried to searched for the answers as they rolled around in my head. I knew a few different answers but everyone of them gave me a dead end, no source of reference. I could not figure out why he was acting this day for the past few days, "I don't know, really. He seems good at times, and then he just switches." I paused, remembering of her day out in the woods. "How was your hunting?"

She sighed, leaning back on her arms and sitting her feet by the fire to heat. "We tracked two demons down to the falls, but lost their trail when they entered the stream and continued North, we think." she shook her head as if trying to figure out something. "They had an ominous look to them, also. As if they were the reflection of death and torture." she tingled as if something cold ran down her back.

"Do you think it could be a warning sign of some sort?" I questioned.

She shrugged her shoulders cautiously, and close her eyes while shaking her head. "I don't think so. My guess is that they were just two people lost or something. Nothing at all to worry about." she opened her eyes and saw as the fie slowly began to burn out.

I sighed at the thought of going out in to the blistering cold just only for firewood. "I'll get more, I need to think anyways." I grabbed a thick blanket from behind me and wrapped it around my shoulders, getting ready for the ultimately freezing weather I was about to step foot in to. I slowly got up from my comfortable position by the fire and stood on both legs, almost falling over.

I started to the door, feeling a certain flush of exhaustion and relief mixed together in a confusing emotion. And as I stood there I felt as if my world was being pressed down my shoulders, that nothing in the world could weigh as much as this problem did and I searched for the answer, tried to search through my mind to find it, I craved it. But I couldn't find it.

I quickly glared back at the slayer, she dark black bangs hung over her eyes as she stared in to the belly of the slowly fading fire, and as she sighed, I could not help feel responsible for her position. I felt guilty for everything.

And just as I saw her stare at the fie til it finally died out, her head snapped up to look at the front door.

I spun around cautiously to see what presence had made the door open, and standing in the door way was her fiance, standing with his golden staff at his side with the rings clinking at each other.

Her face brightened up when she saw that he had finally returned. He had left a few days before she had and after the last storm she had thought that he was gone forever. She waited for him to return the gesture but he didn't. Instead, he scanned the room; his eyes looking like a hunter watching carefully for his pray.

I stepped back for a moment, narrowing my eyes at him. "What are you doing here?" I leaned on to one leg, putting all of my weight on to it, taking a deep breath in since he didn't look happy.

He glared his eyes at me, as he began to take slow steps towards me. His arms hung by his side as if they were numb, and he stopped only a foot in front of me. "Where is he?" he whispered.

My hand slowly crept up to my mouth, covering it as I closed my eyes and sighed. "No, don't tell me he is leaving. Don't tell me he still has to go!"

I pried my eyes from behind my hands to see his face, to try and understand anything that would help. He nodded and took my shoulder, squeezing it tight. "I'm sorry, he has to. Others are coming by at dusk to gather me and him. We have no choice."

I sighed, leaning in to him, I bit my lip and tried to hold back tears. "Please watch over him, I know he can handle himself but please, make sure he doesn't do anything stupid." I pulled my arms around him and tried to hold on what ever I could.

I needed to see him. I wouldn't let him risk his life to not see him once more.

And with that I pulled away from our embrace, looked him in his eyes and shook my head. He grabbed my arms and pulled my ear up to his mouth, "Go find him." He pulled back and smiled at me, and in that moment I darted to the cabin door, swung it open and entered the dangerously cold winter storm in search of him.

X.x.X

A/N- So, I finally finished this kinda one-shot. Its only going to be two chapters so. But I hope you all like it so far and please read&review and tell me what you think. Thanks, and I'll update soon !;)