That Which Mattered, a sukisho fanfic

Disclaimer: I do not own
Warnings: Yaoi (duh), different take on Nanami that might seem OOC.
Summary: Change is a very complicated thing. There's always a possibility of failing. Slight AU past. Nanami POV. Mentions of Shinichirou x Nanami.

"That Which Mattered"
By CloveeD

So what?

That was my first reaction, when I saw patients in pain.

I didn't get the research assistant position by showing a kind face to research subjects and asking them to fill out a pad of paper for me. I was just another student who entered into the research field by studying day and night, and working under other researchers to get the expertise that researcher positions required. I didn't start out by having a dream to make everyone happy and fed, I started out with scientific theories to prove, and phenomenons I wanted to capture and observe. So what if I had to look into a few rats' brain structures to understand where certain mechanisms were controlled in? So what if I had to instruct research patients to go under tasks in order to observe human behaviour under different stressors?

So what?

Does it hurt?

Who asked me that?

There were blue eyes. Looking down at me. That was all I could remember. Because I didn't care enough to look at the person for a second time.

Does it hurt?

"No." I smiled back up at the man, "I'm fine."

So I rammed my car into a truck and had both my right knee and my right shoulder dislocated. So I was sitting in what had remained of my car, watching the truck driver's brain fluids splatter down the side window of his truck. So I quietly sat back and coolly phoned the ambulance.

So what?

So what if it hurt? Humans were just concoctions of bones, flesh, organs, and nerves. Not too unique, not too dramatic. Just that. Just humans. What was so precious about a man's pain?

I wonder where he went after that. It's funny. I didn't think that the man would become a significant presence later in my life. I didn't think that anything was significant back then, actually. I didn't think anything was anything. I didn't think too much, actually.

I must be lying if I say that Shinichirou completely changed my nature later when we met again.

It would be a lie, because even today, some times, as I sit patiently in the nurse's office listening to depressed little girls crying about the pain that was in their hearts, I thought, so what?

I must be be a horrible person for thinking such thoughts. That's why, when I see Shinichirou worry about Sora and Sunao, or when I face his angry rant about the things that I had done wrong to endanger the kids, I thought, it must be because I still think those thoughts. It must be because part of me still naturally look at people through the eyes of the researcher observer. I was still recording down data in my head. I was still watching the specimens coolly from behind my notebook, meanwhile planning ahead as to what the next step of the experiment was.

So what?

Sometimes, my bipolar values ---- my original nature and Shinichirou's instilled values ---- conflict so harshly, that I would smile. I smile, and I wait until the nurse office is devoided of all students and teachers alike. Then, I raise my ever-present nurse's notepad, and smash it into little pieces against the edge of the tiled wall.

Pun. The sound and the movement gave me a temporary surge of relief.

PUN. I do it again, this time stabbing the pen in my hand into the drapes.

PUN. I smash my own fist against the wall, and heard my knuckles crack open. There was a red smear on the wall, and I quickly and coolly wipe it off as my other hand automatically reach for bandages.

Relief was over, back to work.

Maybe I was angry. Maybe I was stressed. Maybe there's something about my current peaceful life that I still need to change.

So what? SO I CARE.

So what? SO I NEED TO FIX IT.

So what? STOP IT.

STOP IT I'M TELLING YOU TO STOP!!!

So what?

"Nanami?"

Shinichirou is a very caring man. Because he cares so much, with all his heart, about the kids' well beings, I admire him. Or maybe I should say I'm amazed by his all-out caring. There was no reason to take all of the responsible for everything that the kids were doing. We did what we could, and we're still doing all that we can. And since there was no reason to do more, I become confused often. I watch and observe Shinichirou's behaviour in wonderment, thinking to myself, so this is what caring people do for their precious people.

So why do I seem to be doing less somehow?

I act kind to the kids. I smile and patiently listen to their internal conflicts. I wait until the right moment to direct them toward the right direction. Right directions that I read from books. From studies of what was good for the mental and physical health. I was told on several occasions that I was like the healing angel in the school.

What am I doing wrong?

Why can't I catch up to you, Shinichirou?

I do all, and most of the time, better than you. I do things rationally, patiently, and usually my solutions are the ones that truly work, as opposed to you running head-in into whatever trouble the kids were in.

I was right.

So why do I still seem to be the one who was wrong?

Why was I wrong?

As you whisper against my ear when we encircle each other with our arms at night, I thought, I love you...I think.

You're so beautiful, Nanami...

Because that moment of act of intimacy was suitable for such thoughts. Thoughts of romance and of relationships.

I hope I loved right.

What if I was wrong again?

Your whispers turn into groans against the skin of my bare shoulder. I moan along with the rhythms of our bodies pressing together again and again.

I love you, I think.

I hope.

I love you, I hope.

You're so beautiful, Nanami...

I hope I love you.

Do I love you?

Victims, all of you.

You're all my victims, victims of my mistake.

To undo my mistake, after you are all save, I will erase the last mistake. Me.

It's the rational thing to do.

Rational.

"Nanami where are you?!! Where are you?!! And where have you been!"

Shinichirou's voice is so caring. So full of anxiety. In parting from a bad habit, drug addicts act this way as well. I must rid you of this mistake, Shinichirou.

"Nanami-chan? Where are you?"

Children have such innocent voices. Voices of victims. Full of hurt. Hurt. Hurt. (It's all you. All about you. All about you hurting.) The ugly thoughts well up in me as I listen quietly to call after call, all demanding to know where I've been for the last three days. (Well, you noticed rather quickly.) These ugly thoughts confuse me. They seemed to pop out of nowhere. And I usually stuff them back into a small, unlit corner of my unconscious world.

I look at the sign by the road. I'm in some kind of wasteland. Fitting place for a mistake to be erased.

It's great to see you and the kids finally get back together in a peaceful life, Shinichirou.

Final step to the experiment, extermination of end products...

Bye, Shinichirou.

I never spoke, but I shut the phone by the time I ended those thoughts. I dropped the phone into a muddy puddle.

Bye. Quietly now.

Bye.

"Nanami where are you answer me now!!!"

(Owari)

Author's rant: I feel that Nanami's character is overly simplified in Sukisho. He has the brains and the calm to work things out using the right resources, but nobody ever seems to wonder what he does with his emotions. How many times has Shinichirou pointed at Nanami and blamed him without apologizing later? And Nanami ends up apologizing over and over afterwards. The anime is completely concentrated on what happened to Sora and Sunao, and how devoted Shin is towards them. I felt like Nanami was just a character with a gentler face to complement how fatherly Shinichirou was; thus I felt that Nanami was a rather unjustified character, after I finished watching the anime.

I ended up giving Nanami something similar to Bipolar Personality Disorder with a lot of repression. Only similar, though, because Nanami's obviously a functional character whose anger never was noticed by those around him. In reality, there's no way that people around a bipolar patient can ignore their expressions of anger.

Smart doesn't equal happy. I hate sad endings. However, after I finished the anime, my only thought was, Shinichirou, you don't deserve Nanami. Other than being possessive, I don't see what's so great about him, as a lover (as a father he's totally devoted). Which was a rather selfish opinion, but I felt like I had to write something to express my frustration. I'd like to think that Nanami was really rather detached to it all; that he was only waiting for the kids to be safe, and that he planned on leaving all of them for his own reasons. Not that these reasons were all right or for the best, but Shinichirou doesn't treasure Nanami as much as he should as a lover, thus he should at least not have Nanami for a change.

And yeah, I can rant for a long time about things that have no importance to anybody at all. Shinichirou fans will hate me for this...