Hi all!

Here is my first Hunter x Hunter fic, it is set right after the Greed Island arc, I hope you like it.

A few warnings: blood, violence and sexual themes. Then again, there's Hisoka, what did you expect, haha.

"Uh… I… I wasn't expecting that."

Despite the situation clearly not being in his favor, Hisoka took a moment to appreciate Machi's flustered look. She was usually so composed and always had a comeback, catching her speechless was something to be savored.

"Well, did I lie?" he asked. Machi's reaction had given him back the feeling of control he'd somewhat lost since needing to call her for her services.

"I guess not," she replied, having already regained her cool. "You said you needed me to stitch up a part of your body again but… I'm going to need to raise my prices".

"I don't mind, being a floor master is pretty lucrative."

"I don't want more money." She had a sly smile on her face.

Well, shit. He'd hoped it wouldn't come to that.

"Tell me how it happened," she continued, coming towards him and much more content with the situation than before.

"I could lie to you."

She only laughed. "Honestly? Whatever you come up with will be entertaining and at least a bit shameful, so I'm fine with it. Although I do wish Paku was still here to know the whole truth." Her voice showed a hint of sadness at that last sentence, but she was still eyeing Hisoka expectantly. She was now right next to where he was sitting and looking down at him, hands on her hips.

He didn't have a choice. As much as he hated it, Machi was the only one he knew who could do this as well as she did, and it had already been a few hours. He couldn't afford to look for an alternate solution. He sort of envied Kurapika's Judgement Chain at this moment. With that, he could at least make sure she kept her mouth shut.

"I'll explain while you work, then. And don't expect me to go into much detail or give any real names."

She shrugged, her smile not leaving her face, as she crouched and started getting ready.

"You know, I've never done it on… that, before. I might make a few mistakes."

This was a threat, obviously. Hisoka would have to at least tell enough to satisfy her. But he found solace in Machi's expression tensing again when she looked at what she would be working on.

"You'll hold it yourself. And not close to my face," she added angrily. She really was a killjoy.

Her needle ready, she looked at his face once again, waiting for him to begin. He sighed, and carefully decided what to disclose and what to leave out or make up, while reliving the events in his mind.

Hisoka was pissed. Just when he thought he'd get to fight Chrollo, after all these efforts to find an exorcist who could remove the chain that sealed his nen, the head of the Spider had simply run away. The magician was beyond frustrated. He'd gone on a killing spree after that, but that had only marginally calmed him down.

Chrollo was very good at hiding, but he knew someone who was very good at finding people.

Illumi accepted over the phone but still wanted to see him beforehand. He was less familiar with Chrollo than Hisoka was, so he wanted more information on his connections and habits. The magician also suspected him to want to catch up a bit, not that the assassin would ever admit to enjoying casual, dare he say "friendly" conversation. He decided it would be more convenient to meet at his place, the suite he occupied in Heaven's Arena. It wasn't too far from Kukuroo Mountain and despite not liking the place, Illumi had already been there a few times. Besides, they would be safe from people overhearing their conversation.

When Illumi arrived, Hisoka poured each of them a drink and they settled at a table with a computer to go over a strategy. The hardest wouldn't be to find him but to catch him before he noticed them.

As expected, after they were done with that, the assassin was in no rush to leave and casually started talking about his latest missions. When Hisoka mentioned his time on Greed Island, he smirked, sure to get Illumi's interest.

"I saw your brother while I was there, by the way."

"Yeah he told me," Illumi replied, Hisoka raised an eyebrow. "You made him doubt his zetsu." Oh, yeah, right. He kept forgetting about that one, and they had even talked about him a few minutes before, saying he was unlikely to help.

"Oh, your two brothers, then."

"You saw Kil?" Now he had Illumi's attention.

"Yes, it was nice, I even played dodgeball with him and Gon," he couldn't help smiling, both at the memory and at the interest he could see shining in the assassin's dark eyes.

Illumi wanted to know all about his time with the younger Zoldyck. He always craved for news from his younger brother, seemingly oblivious to the fact that Killua was very intentionally staying away from him.

Hisoka saw an occasion there. He knew family was sacred to Illumi, and that Killua was his favorite, but he didn't know how protective of him he would be. The magician liked making "experiments" on his toys, to know exactly what button to press and with what force to initiate a fight. He knew the assassin better than most people outside of the Zoldycks, but he couldn't predict his moves as well as he could with others. That was part of his interest to him, but still, he wouldn't say no to a foolproof way to rile him up.

"They kind of caught me by surprise. You see, in Greed Island you can travel at very high speeds to another player, and when they came to me I was washing up in a lake… It didn't bother me at all, but they weren't expecting that." Well, they weren't even expecting me, but that's beside the point.

Illumi was already giving him a disapproving look, he was going to love the rest of the story.

"Killua and Gon have really matured, I think they found themselves a new teacher, their nen was so much more powerful than when I saw them here…" As he kept going, his voice was slowly filling with lust. He was doing it on purpose, but he didn't have to force himself much. Gon already had a very promising hatsu, he hadn't seen Killua's, but if he didn't have one yet, he would soon.

"Soon, they'll be ripe and just perfect," he licked his lips and Illumi's glare became more intense. "I wanted to crush them there and then, but I knew I should wait. Anyway, it got me all worked up, and it showed… Heh, you know how I am."

Illumi stood up from his chair, slamming the table and breaking two of its legs in the process. There goes my laptop… His eyes held a furious rage and his ren was starting to show. It had worked.

Hisoka got up, and his eyes were now at the same level as the assassin's. It was rare to see such intense emotion in those huge eyes. He loved it. He wondered what precisely had prompted this response, the desire to crush the younger Zoldyck or the sexual undertones. Probably both. Anyway, to him, those were two sides of the same coin.

Speaking of which…

Illumi's bloodlust was palpable, it filled the whole room, probably more. His hair floated in a dark halo around him, carried by the thick ren. Hisoka could feel it on his skin, in his lungs, through his aura. His senses were getting heightened, the adrenaline came rushing in his veins, he was already semi-hard.

Would the assassin fight him seriously? He didn't suppose the offense was enough to initiate a fight to the death –and it was too soon for that, in his opinion– but if they fought here he would have to pay to replace all of his furniture. And probably a few walls. He was excited by this prospect nonetheless.

The sound of someone shouting and hitting on his ceiling broke the heavy silence. His upstairs neighbor was obviously disturbed by this hostile aura. Illumi's eyes lifted slightly before returning on Hisoka. His bloodlust decreased a bit, but he flexed the muscles of his right arm and he produced his claws.

Really? His heart-ripping technique? Was flashing his brother so unforgivable that he intended to kill him without even giving him a fight?

Well he'd be disappointed, he shouldn't have waited for him to see the claws. Hisoka quickly activated his Bungee Gum between his hands and placed it in front of his chest. The assassin was already moving but he was ready to block.

But the blow was aimed way lower than he expected. And suddenly he felt a sharp pain on his crotch.

That bastard.

The bloodlust dissipated instantly and Illumi watched the blood on his clawed fingers with a satisfied look on his face. Hisoka fell to his knees, pressing on his wound with both hands. His white pants, ripped on the front, were getting soaked in blood, and to his horror, his severed penis was on the floor in front of him.

After this initial shock, that lasted probably less than a second, he produced his Bungee Gum to stop the bleeding and raised his head to glare at Illumi.

The Zoldyck retracted his claws and looked at him, smiling slightly.

"Come on, you deserved it." His tone was unsettlingly casual. He went to the kitchen to clean his hands, and continued speaking from there.

"I'm sure you'll get it fixed in no time. You're used to losing… limbs, aren't you?" Hisoka heard the water stop running and a few steps, and Illumi reappeared in front of him. "If it doesn't work as well as before, you can only blame yourself."

"I'll admit…" Hisoka sighed, "you had me on this one." It was a low blow, quite literally, but he knew assassins didn't play fair. And he didn't either anyway.

However, that meant Illumi didn't think of killing him yet. He felt himself smile slightly.

"Anyway, see you around." And with that, Illumi turned around and left. He was alone in his suite, next to his broken table, in a very uncomfortable position.

It was weird, that throbbing pain. He was used to pain, of course, so much that most people theorized he might not really feel it. They were wrong, it just didn't bother him. Pain was part of a fight, it meant the opponent was strong enough to be a challenge, it had become closely linked to pleasure to him.

This was why this attack, leaving him with only pain and no pleasure, not even a fight to remember, was probably the best punishment Illumi could have come up with for him. Although he did find enjoyment in the assassin being so creative and knowing him so well.

He painfully got up, carefully picked up the severed body part, stopping the bleeding there too with his nen, and put it in ice. He then went to his phone.

To: Machi
I need your stitches ASAP, your price is mine. I'm in Heaven's Arena.

When the answer didn't come right away, he went to clean himself up and change. He was far from thrilled about Machi seeing him like that, but it was objectively the best solution.

From: Machi
Lost a limb again? I can be there in 4 to 5 hours. Put it in ice.

To: Machi
Already done.

A bit over four hours later, she was there. In the meantime he had gotten rid of the table and applied Texture Surprise to hide the bloodstain on the carpet.

He was going to play it as if he wasn't bothered in the slightest by this predicament, as he was when he lost an arm or a leg. He might even have some fun. He activated his in.

When he opened the door she hardly said hi and came in, eyeing him from head to toe. Seeing no missing limb, she furrowed her brow and used gyô, scanning him again. Her eyes stopped on his groin, widening in understanding.

Hisoka went to the kitchen, making sure to walk as naturally as possible, and retrieved the box in which he'd put the severed part in the freezer. He took two chairs, put the box on one and pulled his pants and underwear down before sitting on the other.

Machi hadn't moved besides turning to watch him. She was probably wondering if the price was worth it.

Hisoka was thankful that Machi worked fast. That way, he hadn't needed to go in any details about the whole ordeal. She was still amused to know that it was a friend rather than an enemy that had done that.

"You have friends?" she had said. He was expecting it, and to be honest his relationship with Illumi was a bit more complex than that, but it was sort of a petty revenge to call him that when the assassin obstinately refused that term.

When she was finished, she got up and put some distance between them. "I reconnected everything, you should be fine. You'll know soon enough anyway." Her tone was calm and professional.

A bit more teasing wouldn't hurt anymore at this point.

"You're sure you don't want to do quality control?"

"Fuck. Off." She didn't even look at him and stayed focused on rearranging the needles on her cushion.

Hisoka just shrugged and put his pants back on. Only then did she let her eyes go back to him.

"That'll be 70 million jeni," she said flatly.

"That's more than a dominant arm…" Hisoka pointed, crossing his arms.

"We all know you need it just as much, if not more, in a fight. And that also covers the trouble of coming here. If that's not on my account by tomorrow everyone in the Brigade will know you had your dick cut off."

"Fine, fine… You're merciless."

He of course had no guarantee that they wouldn't if he paid, but he didn't intend to fight her on that anyway.

"Find someone else if that happens again," she added on her way out.

The next morning Hisoka still felt a bit sore, but everything seemed in order. He thought he should let Illumi know.

To: Illumi
I'm fixed~

From: Illumi
You learnt your lesson?

To: Illumi
Not to tell you next time this kind of thing happens? ^.^

He knew he was pushing it, but he'd put an emoji, that meant it was a joke.

From: Illumi
Good job, you're on your own to chase Chrollo.

He really had no humor.

I hope you enjoyed reading this and had fun!

In Hisoka's texts, there was a spade in the first one, a heart in two others, and a star and tear around the emoji in the last one, but ffnet doesn't seem to like that...

So yeah, my first fic is sort of about Hisoka's dick... Not sure I want to know what that says about me xD

Poor Machi, I feel a bit sorry for her haha.

Have a nice day!

Don't hesitate to leave me reviews.