As I find my way back to you

Disclaimer: I do not own Supernatural or any of the characters, they belong to their respective owners.

Warnings: Slash (Destiel) violence and adult content.

A/N: I never really thought of Dean and Castiel as a couple before, but after watching how close they got in season 6 and reading some Dean/Cas fanfiction, I really started to like the idea. This fic is set in season 7 after Cas dissapears into the water supply. This story contains alternating POV's. Hope you enjoy, reviews much appreciated x

Chapter One: With Nothing But Your Trench Coat On

Dean POV

I downed my 6th shot of whiskey and felt the burn as the liquid tore down my throat. The burn was good, I guess it proved I was still alive. At this point I had decided to ditch the glass and drink straight from the bottle. I don't know how much I've drunk at this point, but honestly, who cared? All I knew was that I was at that stage where Bobby's living room was blurring out of focus.

Sometimes I forget, I forget he isn't here anymore.

I find myself calling for him but he never comes, and then I would remember and my whole world would crash around my ears again.

I miss you, Cas. You have no idea how much I miss you.

They all know I miss you, and they treat me like a fricken child, like I' broken or something. Truth is, I am broken, I can't seem to eat or sleep and I have to drink myself to a state where I know I'm not gonna dream. 'Cause if I dream, I'm just gonna see you. I'm gonna see you walking into that God damn lake and dissapearing under the surface.

I rubbed my eyes sleepily and glanced down at my watch. 3 AM.

There was no noise in Bobby's living room, not at this time of night. Nothing except the calm breathing of Sam as he slept across the room. I tried to focus on that. To use Sam to ground myself. Sammy is pretty much the only reason I get up everyday, 'cause he needs me. He needs me to protect him.

I figure if I didn't have Sam I'd be going completely out of mind by now.

I stared at Sammy's sleeping form for a long time. For a long time I thought Sam would be all that I needed, 'cause he seemed to be the only thing I got. I never once bargained on meeting an angel in a trench coat. I don't even know what happened, as soon as Cas and I met, there was just something. I really started to care about him, like a friend, then like a brother and then like something more...

Sometimes I just wanted to scream, I just wanted to talk to him. I know I'm not thinking straight and I know that Castiel is gone, but...I can still feel him, it's like he's still here. Sat down next to me on Bobby's couch and I can't see him.

His handprint on my shoulder fades a little more everyday. Soon there will be nothing left to connect us. Carefully, very carefully so I wouldn't wake anyone up, I began looking through my duffel bag until I came across what I was looking for. Gently, I lifted out Cas's trench coat that I had..I guess tenderly folded up when it had drifted to land, almost like it had drifted back to me. I know how sissy that sounds but I guess it's true. Besides, I'm inside my own head, no one to lie to in here.

It was almost like I was looking after it for him, for when he got back. I ran my hand along the fabric and felt the tears pricking at my eyes. I lay down slowly on Bobby's couch, hugging his trench coat to me, feeling close to him in a crazy sort of way. I felt my eyelids getting heavier as I buried my face in his trench coat to try and stop the tears that were now streaming.

"I'm sorry, Cas." I whispered to no one in particular as I felt myself fall into a drink-induced unconsciousness.

...

Castiel POV

I watched him fall asleep, but unnaturally so. He had been drinking too much again, I had watched as he had buried his face in my coat to try and stop his tears, and I had clearly heard him tell me that he was sorry. My anguish was so great I nearly broke free from the chair that I was bound to. My vessel was stiff with pain from watching Dean's anguish on the 3D image infront of me, but I also felt anger. As I could hear the Leviathan in the corner of the room chuckling softly.

"Why are you making me watch this?" I asked stiffly, unable to look anywhere except to the pixelated Dean infront of me, deep into a dreamless sleep at this point. I prayed he was peaceful at least in rest.

The Leviathan walked infront of me with a malicious grin on his face, like not only was he enjoying my pain but he was enjoying Dean's too. That alone made me want to tear his throat out.

"Because this is the best kind of torture," the Leviathan hissed at me. "Watching your precious little Dean suffering, thinking that you're gone. Soon, you wont be able to bear anymore."

It would be a lie to think that statement to be untrue. I didn't honestly know how much more I could take. Watching Dean cry, struggle inside his own skin. Dean was falling apart and there was nothing I could do about it.

I stared longingly at his sleeping image. Dean Winchester was a man I knew to be strong and unafraid. Only my father knows what I wouldn't give just to see him smile, if only for the last time.

"And once you can't take anymore..." the Leviathan continued, "you will tell us exactly what we want to know."

My head snapped up immediately to the piece of filth. I would never give the Leviathan's what they wanted.

"You'll have to kill me."

He laughed again. "You've become so much like little Dean Winchester, I hope you got to say your goodbyes, considering you'll never see him again."

My eyes fell to the floor uncomfortably as my heart was filled with my least favourite of the Human emotions; regret.

"So, tell me," the Leviathan continued, perching on the end of a desk across the room. "Watching the man of your dreams dying inside his own head...how does that make you feel?" He asked while grinning.

I turned my head to him, anger bubbling in my stomach. "I can see him, everyday." I practically spat. "Alone, drinking, tired. How do you think I feel!"

He laughed, he laughed in my face. And as he left the room and walked away I could still hear the same malicious laughter echoing through the hallways of the building.

And now I was alone again. Just me and Dean's agony spread out before me. The worst part about having to watch Dean's suffering was that I could see my eyes reflected in his. Lifeless, cold. We were both dying in our own heads, it was just a question of which of us would lose our grip on reality first. I suppose Dean has Sam, a focus point, someone to take care of. Sam eased Dean's pain and I had to be thankful for that.

I wondered if it were possible to feel your heart breaking.

Because that's what it felt like as I stared at the image of Dean, obviously pained even in sleep. The tears drying on his face.

"Don't be sad, Dean." I found myself saying to no one in particular.

"Hang in there until I can find my way back to you."