Mocking the Dead
By: Heart of Blades
Announcement: The following is a parody. Some actions of characters isn't fully how the author views said characters of MLP.
Chapter 1: The Problem
The dead are not silent. Well, technically they are in a living sense, but are not in a dead sense. For when the dead walk on the roads of the afterlife they sometimes come to an intersection where the dead and the living can meet. It is here at these intersections that sometimes, if you listen closely, you can hear the dead speak.
For the dead have stories to tell, they will not be silenced!
Princess Luna's eyes scanned her surroundings, checking every corner to be sure she was alone. She was always paranoid at these moments, afraid another pony would catch her; which would no doubt end in her death by embarrassment.
A smile crept on her face when she was sure she was alone. Her wings fluttered a bit before settling down at her sides. She closed her eyes and began to sway her head ever so lightly. It wasn't long before humming accompanied her sway.
One of her front hooves rose off the ground just slightly before returning to the hard surface. Her shoe made a clicking sound against the ground which echoed about. With just a beat in between, a back hoof did the same.
Her swaying head soon became her swaying body as she stepped to the left, then the right. Luna spun in a circle quickly, her mane flowing behind her. She began to have more elaborate movements, forward to the left, back to the right, finally a half turn and then a quick half turn back.
Luna's smile had become a tooth showing grin of excitement and joy as she continued to dance in the palace kitchen. Her crystal like shoes clicked with every step, filling her hears with the delightful sound.
Dancing was something the Night Princess loved with a passion yet shared it with no pony, not even her sister. Though Celestia had caught Luna many times, she never made herself known; allowing her little sister to keep thinking she had her dance all to herself.
The humming that Luna matched with her steps rose in volume. She had become lost to everything around her; nothing mattered to her but her dance. Her tempo had increased as well, moves becoming more and more elaborate as she built to the finish.
A loud 'CRASH' rang out though the kitchen, stopping the Princess in her tracks.
All trace of a smile was gone, her latest dance forgotten. Luna looked around in alarm, perhaps she had knocked something over? But nothing could be seen out of the ordinary.
She frowned, knowing she hadn't imagined it. An ear twitched, hearing nothing.
"Hello." Luna spoke, more of a demand instead of a polite question. "Whoever is there, make yourself known!"
There was no reply save for the utter silence that now filled the room. It was then Luna noticed a smell in the air. It was sweet, delightful, like cake. It was that smell that took hold of her attention, almost forcing her to turn towards the oven.
The baking light was strangely on; it had been off when she first came in. Yet there was no sign of another pony, but the light couldn't have turned on by itself. The mystery, for Luna, was more annoying than frightening. How had that stupid light come on!
With the royal authority she held, Luna approached the oven, glaring at it as if it had interrupted her dance instead of the forgotten crash.
What was this oven's game? Could it even have a game? Mysteries and surprises were not something this Night Princess enjoyed, unless she was the cause of said mystery or surprise. Something about not knowing or being unsure unnerved her greatly and this oven was pushing all of her buttons.
She was right in front of the oven now. The delicious smell coming from it filled her nostrils, almost causing her to forget her current offence with the appliance.
Cautiously Luna raised a hoof, readying herself to open the oven and confront the suspected cake that couldn't have even been in there to begin with. Before she could however, Luna pulled her hoof away, taking a step back.
'KNOCK'
'KNOCK'
'KNOCK'
The oven door shook as something inside seemed to be fighting to get out. But that was impossible by all logical standpoints. Nothing could be in there and still be alive with the oven's current temperature. Maybe a dragon, but they were too big to fit in the palace oven.
Regardless of Luna's reasoning on why what was happening shouldn't be happening, the knocking came again. It was louder this time, like a guest demanding to be heard.
"Who's there?" The Princess asked, instantly scolding herself for the obvious parallel with a knock knock joke.
There was an actual since of relief that washed over Luna when no corny reply or ignorant pun was spoken back. Had this been an over blown knock knock joke she'd of felt really stupid.
Once the relief passed, she reminded herself to be alarmed, something was in the oven and it wanted out. Whatever it was, Luna felt inclined to just leave it. Sure the mystery would continue to greatly plague her mind and keep her annoyed for the next ten minutes. However, the idea of a life time of mental scarring by whatever sweet smelling horror awaited her in the oven seemed slightly worse.
"You bore me." She said, as if trying to insult the mystery. "I'm leaving and you can just be one of the chiefs' problems."
Maybe it was Luna's choice of words, or perhaps it was only because the oven timer went off; whatever the cause, before Luna could turn to leave the oven door burst open and a huge, pink frosted layer cake came flying out.
Luna let out a high pitched scream of terror as the massive baked monstrosity was coming right at her. Feeling no shame, the Night Princess turned tail and galloped at full speed out of the kitchen, not daring to look back!
Her mind was racing in a panic. Was there some phantom baker in the palace now! Could the cake have simply been alive and was performing some pastry's idea of sunbathing? But the most alarming question of all, had it seen her dancing!
Holding no answer to the questions and desperately in need of somepony's help, Luna shut her eyes, not bothering to stop galloping and teleported herself to the one pony that could make her feel safe.
Princess Celestia was settled down in her room, back legs comfortably tucked under her body and front resting contently crossed on the ground. It was nearing sundown and after a hard day of ruling, she'd be going to bed soon. But while she took time to settle down, she wanted to read the latest friendship report from one of her prize student's friends.
A light glow was held in her horn as the report floated in front of her. She read it more than once, trying to grasp just what it said.
With an amused sigh, she floated the letter away and brought a fresh scroll over, as well as a quill and ink. The quill was dipped ever so gently in the ink before she began to write.
'My dear subject Pinkie Pie, I am very pleased to receive a friendship report from you, however I am concerned you don't quite understand what the reports should be about. I am looking for you to inform me on your findings on the magic of friendship. While I am happy to hear that your pet, Gummy, no longer has a stomach ache from all the cupcakes he ate, it does not really fall into the friendship report category. And while it pains me to inform you, I cannot create a cupcake tree or grant you cotton candy clouds with chocolate rain. Furthermore, these requests are not suited for the friendship reports. Likewise, it is not necessary to write your letter in a song format, complete with a chorus about the many stunts in Rainbow Dash's…tricktionary was it? On a final note, I am unfamiliar with this turn, 'friends with benefits'. Assuming it is like best friends, I see no harm in you asking your friend to be one and find this to be the highlight of your report. I await a true friendship report from you at your convenience and hope you and your friend become best friends soon. Your Princess, Princess Celes'
"Tia!" The loud cry of her sister, accompanied by the blinding flash of a teleportation spell caused Celestia to drop her quill and jump to her feet in alarm.
Luna was frantic and crashed into her big sister, nearly knocking the both of them down. She buried her face into Celestia's mane, fighting back the urge to sob.
With instinct taking over, Celestia wrapped her wings around her sister to comfort her, a worried expression taking hold of her face. It had been a long time since Luna had come running to her for protection. No matter how hard she tried, Celestia could not fathom what had caused her sister to go into such a panic.
"It's alright Luna, I'm here. What could have possible upset you so?" Her voice was calm, soothing, it helped to ease Luna's horror and give her back some level of stability.
"It-it was horrible!" Luna managed to choke out. "I still can't believe it myself…oh, you probably won't even believe me."
Celestia pulled back from her sister, looking down at Luna with bemused surprise. She brought a hoof to Luna's chin, signaling for her to look up as the Day Princess gave a warm smile.
"Now sister, of course I'll believe you. I am always here for you, no matter what, just as I know you are there for me. No whatever happened, you can trust that we will deal with it, together."
Luna nodded, already feeling much better. Tia always knew the right words to say, cheering Luna up even when she didn't want to be. Taking a moment, Luna breathed to make sure she was calm before retelling the event to Celestia.
"Well you see, I was in the kitchen, uh, not dancing. And while I was not dancing there was a knocking in the oven. Of course I went to investigate and found the oven to be on! It seemed so odd since it had been off when I went in. I was going to open it, but thought against it when it opened on its own and this giant evil pony killing cake flew out! I think it may have even chased me, I'm not sure."
Celestia's smile had faded by the time Luna reached the end of her tale. A blank stare now masked the elder Princess' face. It was the first time Celestia could ever recall being at a complete loss for words.
"Oh." She finally managed to reply. "I see."
Luna frowned, worry coming into her eyes.
"Tia? You believe me, don't you?"
As if the words snapped her back to reality, Celestia's smile returned. She held back a chuckle and simple nodded.
"Of course I do Luna. Although, just to be safe, why don't we both go investigate this, evil, pony killing cake."
The Night Princess grimaced. She had no intention on returning to the kitchen, ever. But Celestia's mind was made up in viewing this as the only course of action. Even though Luna didn't like it, she'd go along, knowing with the two of them together, there was really nothing to fear at all.
The more Luna thought about this, the sillier the whole thing seemed. Together they had defeated Discord! Surly a single cake, even if it was abnormally large and had floating powers, didn't stand a chance against the rulers of Equestria.
And so, together, the two walked, taking their time. Celestia asked a few questions regarding the cake and Luna tried to answer best she could. The Night Princess knew her older sister held doubt regarding the encounter, but would never believe Luna was outright lying.
When they finally did reach the kitchen's entrance, Luna stopped, not quite willing to go in. She was glad Celestia stopped as well, not yet forcing her to return to the supernatural scene.
"You said it happened in here?" Celestia asked gently.
"Yes. It came out of that oven." She pointed with a hoof, still refusing to step hoof inside the kitchen.
Celestia nodded, eyeing the oven from the doorway. It wasn't on now and the door was properly shut. More than a bit curious, Celestia kept her eyes on the oven as her horn lit up and opened the oven door with magic, the distance hardly a problem.
Luna actually held her breath as her sister opened the oven door, afraid of the cake attacking again. But instead, there was nothing inside the oven, which caused Luna to tilt her head in confusion. Not only was it empty, but very clean, obviously having seen no use that day.
"But I don't understand." Luna protested at the lack of killer cake. "It was there just moments ago, I'm not making this up."
"I believe you Luna." Celestia assured, trying to find the right words to say. "It's just that, well you see…you know how sometimes our minds can play tricks on us, perhaps something like that is what…" Luna interrupted her abruptly.
"No! This was no mistake Celestia!"
Being annoyed once more, Luna boldly marched into the kitchen. She practically ran to the oven, investigating it close up. The oven was indeed off, not even a trace of fading heat. No signs of icing or crumbs, it was spotless.
Luna narrower her eyes, that oven had made a life time enemy this day! Having enough of the oddities, she forcefully shoved the oven door closed. A since of distraught washed over Luna, to the point she didn't even notices her sister join her side. Feeling a comforting wing drape over her, she looked up to meet Celestia's gaze.
"You must think I'm some kind of lunatic." The Night Princess muttered in a whisper.
"I'd never think such a thing dear sister." Celestia assured. "I too have had my mind play tricks on me. It's not that uncommon."
Feeling she had both indulged and comforted her sister enough, Celestia turned to leave. She was feeling pretty good about herself, seeing this whole event as further proof to how she managed to balance being both a great ruler and great big sister. But her mood quickly changed as she let out a gasp.
"L-luna!"
The younger Princess didn't catch the horror in her elder sister's voice at first. But as she turned, her eyes went wide with shock as well as faining the tiniest smile of validation.
Both sisters had their eyes glued to over the entrance of the kitchen. Pink icing was dripping on the floor, the source coming from the wall. Many slices of cake, they must have once made up the giant cake which attack Luna earlier, were now stuck to the wall. They were all arranged to from letter, letters which made up a word.
'Listen'
Both Celestia and Luna looked to one another, confusion and fear filling the royal sets of eyes. Something unnatural had invaded their kitchen, something beyond their understanding. Nether of them knew how to deal with a problem such as this; they were going to need the help of somepony who did.
The crowed was cheering, their hooves clopping loudly on the floor. They had all been dazzled by the amazing feats and mind bending performance of the one pony show.
"Yes, thank you!" The pony on stage spoke, not bothering to take a bow; in her mind, that was a job for the audience. "Thank you lowly mortals. The great and powerful Trixie receives your love and admiration!"
Once the blue unicorn had her fill of the attention and awe inspired praise, she swiftly turned, her cape making a whooshing sound. Smoke erupted all around her, causing the onlookers to gasp in shock. It gave her enough time to slip passed the stage curtain, when the smoke cleared it would look like she had just vanished.
Trixie smiled to herself, feeling that the show had been another huge success! Down Town Canterlot was a much better crowed for her style of show. Ponyville may have been a horrible inconvenience, but Trixie has learned a valuable lesson while there. Never leave yourself open to be caught in a lie.
Being forced to confront an ursa major, or minor as it was, had open Trixie's eyes to the dangers of telling such gloriously non truths. Now she stuck with what she knew and could control. Illusions, misdirection and reading other ponies.
'Reading' had been a new addition to her show. Now she called on members of the audience for more than upstaging reasons. Instead of humiliating her crowd, she made them apart of the act. Guessing weight, age and relationship status was a great way to get noticed. But sometimes, when she was feeling confident enough, she'd communicate with an audience member's deceased loved one.
No pony knew how she did it. Some said it was as if she had a direct line to the spirit world. The line wasn't always clear and the information she got was hardly ever relevant, but it dazzled her fans none the less.
Here, she was accepted as the great and powerful Trixie. Rightfully so in her eyes. Some may say she was just boasting and showing off, but it took a great deal of work and talent to put on the spectacular performance she did.
Being the hard work it was, the last show of the day always left her tiered, despite the high of being on stage. She was ready to retire for the evening. However she'd first need a short stop in her dressing room to rid herself of makeup and brush out knots that had crept into her mane during the show. Afterwards she'd finally make her way up to the apartment on the second story of the rented building.
That was what usually happened anyway, on nights when royal guards weren't waiting for her back stage.
Trixie raised an eyebrow, giving a look that said she was board, rather than curious or worried. She eyed the guards quickly. One was obviously of Celestia's personal guards. A pure white pegasus glad in gold, it was too obvious.
The other one however, was more of a mystery. He was a gray pegasus in a light purple armor. Dark blue leather was formed into a fin on the helmet, going down to make a breast plate and finally going back to cover his wings, making them look like bat wings. A very odd sight indeed, Trixie had never seen a guard like it.
"We're very sorry to disturb you ma'am." Celestia's guard spoke in that gruff, monotone voice. "We're here to…"
"You're here to escort Trixie to the palace?" She finished for the guard.
The two males looked at one another, their emotionless faces wavering for a moment.
"Th-that's right, how did you…" Trixie interrupted the stammering guard once more.
"I see that whatever this matter is, it's so urgent that Celestia sent you herself. And you!" Trixie paused a moment, eyeing the strange guard a bit more, trying to determine just who he was. It hit her and she faked a small gasp. "Luna has sent her own guard as well!"
The guards now simply stood in place, mouths agape. They were so impressed by this display of clairvoyance that the fact Trixie was failing to reefer to the Princesses by they're proper title didn't even offend them.
"That's amazing!" Luna's guard exclaimed. "You really are great and powerful!"
"And tiered." She added in a rude tone. "You can inform the royal sisters that Trixie only appears at private engagements when contacted ahead of time! Now be gone, all the dealings with the spirit world has left Trixie greatly fatigued."
Raising her nose at the guards to make a point, she attempted to walk past them. To her surprise, they didn't move, in fact they put themselves even more in her way.
"We're very sorry, but your presence has been requested by the Princess of Day and the Princess of Night." Celestia's guard informed her in a matter of fact tone. "We can't disobey a direct command."
Trixie was at a loss for words. It was absolutely preposterous!
"Are you informing the great and powerful Trixie that she dose not have a choice!"
"Uh, yes?" Luna guard responded, a bit confused by Trixie talking in third person.
Giving a heavy, displeased sigh, Trixie gave in.
Author's Note: So my original intent was for this to be a single post, however after getting this far, it just felt right to break it up into 2 chapters, helps build suspense and all :D
This is my first time writing Trixie and I gotta say I'm having a blast. As for the random Luna dancing scene at the beginning, that is just something I've been wanting to write for awhile. It was intended for a Luna focused fic, but I just don't think that fic's gonna happen. So, what better place to use the idea then here?
Anyway, that's all I can think of to say, hope you enjoyed this first chapter, any feedback is highly appreciated and be on the look out for chapter 2!
Until next time dear reader
- Heart of Blades